if you overheard your child's peers talking bad about her...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not the same but...I was 5 when I “trashed talk” a toddler neighbor with another 5 year old. The toddler’s mom overheard us, came up and said that we don’t have to play with her daughter, and, in fact, she does not want us to play with her if that’s how we talk about our friends behind their backs. I was mortified. I still remember it and I am 37.

And that's the difference between a 5-year-old and a 13-year-old. A bunch of 13-year-olds wouldn't be mortified, they'd laugh it off and move on. A bit too late for that tactics.
Talking to the coach and having him/her deal with the situation would be more likely to get to them, but, like someone else said earlier, it might backfire, so it's your call.

I don't know. When I was 13 a friend and I would go talk to our history teacher. It was mostly my friend but I would interject comments here and there. There was a lot of sarcasm all around. I don't recall the topic or what I said -- or how it was different from anything my friend said -- but on one occasion, the teacher turned to me and said, "you are very snide."

I was mortified. I still can't think about it without embarrassment and I am 39. It made a huge impression. It made me aware that what I said could hurt others. After that I really learned to watch what I was saying and who could hear me. I am not a gossip now as an adult -- I am happy to hear stories but I don't trade them, and if things are heading in a nasty direction I am not afraid to deflect or say "you know, I'd rather we not talk about so-and-so that way."

I never went back to talking to that teacher, by the way. He was right but 13 year olds are easily embarrassed.

In OP's situation I would do as some posters have suggested and tell the girls they are being unkind.

I am also surprised that so many posters here are assuming that because these girls are saying something nasty, there is indeed something wrong with OP's daughter or something she needs to change. Surely, among those of us who have been 13 year old girls, we all remember that frequently girls will seize on any difference, no matter how small, and bully others over it. Would you say she had to change if they were commenting on her skin color? Religion? orientation? choice of books? failure to watch a certain TV show? She may be totally normal and conformist already. And if she's not -- that is fine too. She doesn't have to change for these girls. And even if she did, dedicated bullies would not respect her for it; they'd just find something else to pick on. Bowing to the crowd and peer pressure for the wrong reasons is not worthwhile.

I think there's a huge difference between encouraging a kid to be a conformist, and helping a kid to understand when she is being non-conformist. Imagine a girl who wears dresses to school because her grandma told her she looks nice in dresses. Not that she particularly likes dresses, but she just doesn't realize that other girls are wearing gym clothes. If a girl likes dresses and feels good about them, I think she should 100% be encouraged to do it regardless of what others are doing. But if she's doing it because she's mis-interpreted the social cues (dresses are nice and I want people to think I am nice, hence I will wear dresses), then you need to help her understand the social cues, so she can make her own choice about what to wear. That's sort of an extreme example, but that's what I'm thinking. There are also a lot of kids that do things that are irritating without realizing it (for instance, sucking their hair, or singing loudly to themselves or interrupting others when they are talking....) -- if that's the reasons they are being bullied or teased, then it's important to help them understand the social norms. That can be true at the same time that it's true that the mean girls should be kinder, less judgmental and less gossipy. I say this as a former relatively non-conformist oddball kid, who I guess is still non-conformist in some ways and conformist in others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have walked out and spoke up.

Do you have teens?

This would not work at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did they say?

That she's weird and annoying. "Wait, are you friends with Larla?" "No, definitely not." stuff too.

And you said nothing because....? ?

Because it is her own kid.

If it were someone else's kid she could have spoken up effectively.

Since it is her own kid, she would have made things worse and reinforced her kid being perceived as "weird" by saying something.

[Anonymous]

I think the parent was right not to interfere.

The girls like who they like, for their own reasons.

If they are mean, the daughter should eventually figure that out and gravitate elsewhere.

I understand that such treatment is painful to see though.

I would try to create opportunities for her to meet other girls. You might find nice ones thru charities, non profits, girl scouts, thru parents who have good values. etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend and I were making rude comments about our JV soccer coach when we were in high school in the bathroom and then she walked out of the stall and said “you need to be careful who you speak about in public like that.” She said it super calmly and never mentioned it again. As an adult now, I think that was a good response. Still remains one of the most embarrassing moments of my life to this day.

I too agree that the reaction depends on the kid. Kids (in this case girls) who would continue to trash talk even after being confronted are so far down the mean girl line that not only are they hopelessly on track to be nasty women but also most people likely already know them to be snots. The kid who is being two faced or going along with nasty comments so-called popular girls s much more likely to be embarrassed about being caught and judged and will certainly be less likely to do it again. THOSE are the kids that can and will learn a lesson. And you don’t have to make a production to do that - just a simple knowing look would be enough for a kid who knows better but isn’t acting properly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not the same but...I was 5 when I “trashed talk” a toddler neighbor with another 5 year old. The toddler’s mom overheard us, came up and said that we don’t have to play with her daughter, and, in fact, she does not want us to play with her if that’s how we talk about our friends behind their backs. I was mortified. I still remember it and I am 37.

And that's the difference between a 5-year-old and a 13-year-old. A bunch of 13-year-olds wouldn't be mortified, they'd laugh it off and move on. A bit too late for that tactics.
Talking to the coach and having him/her deal with the situation would be more likely to get to them, but, like someone else said earlier, it might backfire, so it's your call.

I don't know. When I was 13 a friend and I would go talk to our history teacher. It was mostly my friend but I would interject comments here and there. There was a lot of sarcasm all around. I don't recall the topic or what I said -- or how it was different from anything my friend said -- but on one occasion, the teacher turned to me and said, "you are very snide."

I was mortified. I still can't think about it without embarrassment and I am 39. It made a huge impression. It made me aware that what I said could hurt others. After that I really learned to watch what I was saying and who could hear me. I am not a gossip now as an adult -- I am happy to hear stories but I don't trade them, and if things are heading in a nasty direction I am not afraid to deflect or say "you know, I'd rather we not talk about so-and-so that way."

I never went back to talking to that teacher, by the way. He was right but 13 year olds are easily embarrassed.

In OP's situation I would do as some posters have suggested and tell the girls they are being unkind.

I am also surprised that so many posters here are assuming that because these girls are saying something nasty, there is indeed something wrong with OP's daughter or something she needs to change. Surely, among those of us who have been 13 year old girls, we all remember that frequently girls will seize on any difference, no matter how small, and bully others over it. Would you say she had to change if they were commenting on her skin color? Religion? orientation? choice of books? failure to watch a certain TV show? She may be totally normal and conformist already. And if she's not -- that is fine too. She doesn't have to change for these girls. And even if she did, dedicated bullies would not respect her for it; they'd just find something else to pick on. Bowing to the crowd and peer pressure for the wrong reasons is not worthwhile.

I think there's a huge difference between encouraging a kid to be a conformist, and helping a kid to understand when she is being non-conformist. Imagine a girl who wears dresses to school because her grandma told her she looks nice in dresses. Not that she particularly likes dresses, but she just doesn't realize that other girls are wearing gym clothes. If a girl likes dresses and feels good about them, I think she should 100% be encouraged to do it regardless of what others are doing. But if she's doing it because she's mis-interpreted the social cues (dresses are nice and I want people to think I am nice, hence I will wear dresses), then you need to help her understand the social cues, so she can make her own choice about what to wear. That's sort of an extreme example, but that's what I'm thinking. There are also a lot of kids that do things that are irritating without realizing it (for instance, sucking their hair, or singing loudly to themselves or interrupting others when they are talking....) -- if that's the reasons they are being bullied or teased, then it's important to help them understand the social norms. That can be true at the same time that it's true that the mean girls should be kinder, less judgmental and less gossipy. I say this as a former relatively non-conformist oddball kid, who I guess is still non-conformist in some ways and conformist in others.

Sure, I see your point, but everyone is assuming that OP's kid is weird. Unless I missed it, there's been no evidence of that. But people are assuming that because these girls are saying something nasty, there's something wrong with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not the same but...I was 5 when I “trashed talk” a toddler neighbor with another 5 year old. The toddler’s mom overheard us, came up and said that we don’t have to play with her daughter, and, in fact, she does not want us to play with her if that’s how we talk about our friends behind their backs. I was mortified. I still remember it and I am 37.

5 is a lot different than 13.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously? What should OP have said? And don’t you think that would just add fuel to the fire?

OP, I’m so sorry. I can imagine how that hurt.

"Hi girls. I'm Larla's mom."

That's it. They will know.

No, no, no. This is just setting your kid up for ridicule. The daughter would be MORTIFIED if she knew her mom engaged with her "friends"/teammates at all. Mortified.

I have 12 (13 in Sept) year old twins. If a parent stepped in (from a stall none-the-less) the "mean" girls I know would die of laughter as soon as the mom left the room.
Now do you not only have an unliked kid you have a kid with a really weird mom (in the eyes of a 13 year old).

Don't you think the girls would be mortified and worried about the possibility that you will go speak to their parents and they would get in trouble? I would have been mortified and worried about getting in trouble, but that's my personality.

Are your kids preschoolers? Toddlers? Kindergartners?

You sound as if you have almost no experience with middle school girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one disgusted and outraged at the idea that OP shouldn't say anything for fear of the mean girls laughing or making things worse for her DD? I understand why some PPs are saying this, but I don't think I could stay silent, regardless of whether it was my DD they were talking about. Those girls were being jerks. Why shouldn't their behavior get called out? Otherwise you're giving a bunch of 13 year old mean girls all the power. Will it make a difference to say anything? Maybe, maybe not. Will it make it worse for your DD? Maybe, maybe not.

I guess it comes down to: are we trying to teach our kids to stand up for what's right and to speak up for others, even if it's unpopular? Or are we teaching them to stay quiet and go along to get along? It starts with the adults.

OP's DD might be mortified at her mom saying something to the girls, but I think it would be worse if it somehow got out that OP overheard and did nothing to defend her DD.

Check back when in 10 years when your 3 year old is in middle school and let us know if you would give the same advice.

[Anonymous]

It’s good you didn’t say something. If you said something I think it would’ve made it much worse for your daughter as then they would know that your daughter knew and they probably were just kind of ice her out. You could do what another poster suggested and tell your daughter they might not be the nicest of girls and help her make new friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s good you didn’t say something. If you said something I think it would’ve made it much worse for your daughter as then they would know that your daughter knew and they probably were just kind of ice her out. You could do what another poster suggested and tell your daughter they might not be the nicest of girls and help her make new friends.

Yes. This.

And the toddler mommies need to go to bed now and stop talking.