if you overheard your child's peers talking bad about her...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not the same but...I was 5 when I “trashed talk” a toddler neighbor with another 5 year old. The toddler’s mom overheard us, came up and said that we don’t have to play with her daughter, and, in fact, she does not want us to play with her if that’s how we talk about our friends behind their backs. I was mortified. I still remember it and I am 37.

And that's the difference between a 5-year-old and a 13-year-old. A bunch of 13-year-olds wouldn't be mortified, they'd laugh it off and move on. A bit too late for that tactics.
Talking to the coach and having him/her deal with the situation would be more likely to get to them, but, like someone else said earlier, it might backfire, so it's your call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously? What should OP have said? And don’t you think that would just add fuel to the fire?

OP, I’m so sorry. I can imagine how that hurt.

"Hi girls. I'm Larla's mom."

That's it. They will know.

No, no, no. This is just setting your kid up for ridicule. The daughter would be MORTIFIED if she knew her mom engaged with her "friends"/teammates at all. Mortified.

I have 12 (13 in Sept) year old twins. If a parent stepped in (from a stall none-the-less) the "mean" girls I know would die of laughter as soon as the mom left the room.
Now do you not only have an unliked kid you have a kid with a really weird mom (in the eyes of a 13 year old).

Don't you think the girls would be mortified and worried about the possibility that you will go speak to their parents and they would get in trouble? I would have been mortified and worried about getting in trouble, but that's my personality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously? What should OP have said? And don’t you think that would just add fuel to the fire?

OP, I’m so sorry. I can imagine how that hurt.

"Hi girls. I'm Larla's mom."

That's it. They will know.

No, no, no. This is just setting your kid up for ridicule. The daughter would be MORTIFIED if she knew her mom engaged with her "friends"/teammates at all. Mortified.

I have 12 (13 in Sept) year old twins. If a parent stepped in (from a stall none-the-less) the "mean" girls I know would die of laughter as soon as the mom left the room.
Now do you not only have an unliked kid you have a kid with a really weird mom (in the eyes of a 13 year old).

Don't you think the girls would be mortified and worried about the possibility that you will go speak to their parents and they would get in trouble? I would have been mortified and worried about getting in trouble, but that's my personality.

DP, but I think it depends. If mean girls were close friends/classmates, it's one thing, but if they were just sports teammates that OP's daughter sees twice a week, I wouldn't even know who their parents are. Heck, my kid does a bunch of activities, and half the time I have no idea what the kids/their parents' names are.

[Anonymous]

Am I the only one disgusted and outraged at the idea that OP shouldn't say anything for fear of the mean girls laughing or making things worse for her DD? I understand why some PPs are saying this, but I don't think I could stay silent, regardless of whether it was my DD they were talking about. Those girls were being jerks. Why shouldn't their behavior get called out? Otherwise you're giving a bunch of 13 year old mean girls all the power. Will it make a difference to say anything? Maybe, maybe not. Will it make it worse for your DD? Maybe, maybe not.

I guess it comes down to: are we trying to teach our kids to stand up for what's right and to speak up for others, even if it's unpopular? Or are we teaching them to stay quiet and go along to get along? It starts with the adults.

OP's DD might be mortified at her mom saying something to the girls, but I think it would be worse if it somehow got out that OP overheard and did nothing to defend her DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one disgusted and outraged at the idea that OP shouldn't say anything for fear of the mean girls laughing or making things worse for her DD? I understand why some PPs are saying this, but I don't think I could stay silent, regardless of whether it was my DD they were talking about. Those girls were being jerks. Why shouldn't their behavior get called out? Otherwise you're giving a bunch of 13 year old mean girls all the power. Will it make a difference to say anything? Maybe, maybe not. Will it make it worse for your DD? Maybe, maybe not.

I guess it comes down to: are we trying to teach our kids to stand up for what's right and to speak up for others, even if it's unpopular? Or are we teaching them to stay quiet and go along to get along? It starts with the adults.

OP's DD might be mortified at her mom saying something to the girls, but I think it would be worse if it somehow got out that OP overheard and did nothing to defend her DD.

If I heard girls being mean and wasn't related to the target, I would say something (and have). Being related to the target makes it more complicated, and also less effective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously? What should OP have said? And don’t you think that would just add fuel to the fire?

OP, I’m so sorry. I can imagine how that hurt.

"Hi girls. I'm Larla's mom."

That's it. They will know.

No, no, no. This is just setting your kid up for ridicule. The daughter would be MORTIFIED if she knew her mom engaged with her "friends"/teammates at all. Mortified.

I have 12 (13 in Sept) year old twins. If a parent stepped in (from a stall none-the-less) the "mean" girls I know would die of laughter as soon as the mom left the room.
Now do you not only have an unliked kid you have a kid with a really weird mom (in the eyes of a 13 year old).

Don't you think the girls would be mortified and worried about the possibility that you will go speak to their parents and they would get in trouble? I would have been mortified and worried about getting in trouble, but that's my personality.

No, because I don't think these kids care what their parents think and I honestly don't think the parents will care either. I'm always shocked by what parents don't care about. And even those who do care--are they really going to remember to say something? I bet if you say something to a parent, the chance of a lecture actually reaching the kids is less than 20% Maybe even less than that.
You just have to let things like this go. Your kid didn't even overhear anything.

[Anonymous]

Op, your question is too late. Why didn't you speak up for your kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously? What should OP have said? And don’t you think that would just add fuel to the fire?

OP, I’m so sorry. I can imagine how that hurt.

"Hi girls. I'm Larla's mom."

That's it. They will know.

No, no, no. This is just setting your kid up for ridicule. The daughter would be MORTIFIED if she knew her mom engaged with her "friends"/teammates at all. Mortified.

I have 12 (13 in Sept) year old twins. If a parent stepped in (from a stall none-the-less) the "mean" girls I know would die of laughter as soon as the mom left the room.
Now do you not only have an unliked kid you have a kid with a really weird mom (in the eyes of a 13 year old).

Don't you think the girls would be mortified and worried about the possibility that you will go speak to their parents and they would get in trouble? I would have been mortified and worried about getting in trouble, but that's my personality.

No. The girls would tell their parents that an adult was listening to their private conversation and would tell their parents that they weren’t being mean. They would explain how this annoying girl is mean to them and they don’t want to hang out with her.

I’m not saying this is at all reality or that it is okay for them to gossip in public, but it is in the reality in the minds of 12 year olds. The parents were not there and are trying to figure out if their children are telling the truth or if some crazy parent is after their kid. It’s best to let it go even though it stings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not the same but...I was 5 when I “trashed talk” a toddler neighbor with another 5 year old. The toddler’s mom overheard us, came up and said that we don’t have to play with her daughter, and, in fact, she does not want us to play with her if that’s how we talk about our friends behind their backs. I was mortified. I still remember it and I am 37.

And that's the difference between a 5-year-old and a 13-year-old. A bunch of 13-year-olds wouldn't be mortified, they'd laugh it off and move on. A bit too late for that tactics.
Talking to the coach and having him/her deal with the situation would be more likely to get to them, but, like someone else said earlier, it might backfire, so it's your call.

I don't know. When I was 13 a friend and I would go talk to our history teacher. It was mostly my friend but I would interject comments here and there. There was a lot of sarcasm all around. I don't recall the topic or what I said -- or how it was different from anything my friend said -- but on one occasion, the teacher turned to me and said, "you are very snide."

I was mortified. I still can't think about it without embarrassment and I am 39. It made a huge impression. It made me aware that what I said could hurt others. After that I really learned to watch what I was saying and who could hear me. I am not a gossip now as an adult -- I am happy to hear stories but I don't trade them, and if things are heading in a nasty direction I am not afraid to deflect or say "you know, I'd rather we not talk about so-and-so that way."

I never went back to talking to that teacher, by the way. He was right but 13 year olds are easily embarrassed.

In OP's situation I would do as some posters have suggested and tell the girls they are being unkind.

I am also surprised that so many posters here are assuming that because these girls are saying something nasty, there is indeed something wrong with OP's daughter or something she needs to change. Surely, among those of us who have been 13 year old girls, we all remember that frequently girls will seize on any difference, no matter how small, and bully others over it. Would you say she had to change if they were commenting on her skin color? Religion? orientation? choice of books? failure to watch a certain TV show? She may be totally normal and conformist already. And if she's not -- that is fine too. She doesn't have to change for these girls. And even if she did, dedicated bullies would not respect her for it; they'd just find something else to pick on. Bowing to the crowd and peer pressure for the wrong reasons is not worthwhile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you said this happened at a Meet?
Was this a sporting event? Would it be worthwhile to mention it to the coach and discuss their bullying policy and team-building efforts?

+1

-1 If OP elevates it to the team coach the girls involved will be called out, and eventually it will get back to pp's DC what was said. Especially don't say anything if this was a summer swim meet where the season is basically over. Address it by working on your DD's social skills.

I agree with you about addressing the child’s social skills. But disagree about not taking the opportunity to talk to the coach.
My dd does year round swim team and her head coach would deal with this tactfully, in a general manner, not naming names this point. They can also direct the immediate coach to bust up the cliques and have the kids work with and get to know others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, first of all stop with the "mean girl" label. Girls are no more or less mean than boys! Second, people talk about other people. They do it all the time. The only thing that makes this different is that you overheard it. Someone you know and maybe like may well have said something not so terrific about you this week. I know it feels bad to hear but not everyone will like you nor will everyone like your child. Be glad your daughter didn't overhear it and move on.

Yep

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:what do you? I overheard girls making mean comments about my daughter in the bathroom at a meet this weekend and my heart just about shattered into a million pieces...

Punch her in the face.

[Anonymous]

My friend and I were making rude comments about our JV soccer coach when we were in high school in the bathroom and then she walked out of the stall and said “you need to be careful who you speak about in public like that.” She said it super calmly and never mentioned it again. As an adult now, I think that was a good response. Still remains one of the most embarrassing moments of my life to this day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How the scenario would have gone if the OP had confronted the girls:

[Mother exits the bathroom]

Mean girls - OMG! (hysterical laughter) Can you believe her? Psycho! No wonder Larla's so weird!

[Next time mean girls see Larla]

Mean girls - say hi to your mom for us, Larla. We had such a good chat in the bathroom! (laughter so she knows they're teasing her)

Mean girls to everyone else they meet that day in the near future - OMG! You'll NEVER believe what Laral's mom did... So, we were in the bathroom and you know how Larala is super weird? Right, yeah, so we were talking and her mom overheard us! I know right! Insane and she was like "be nice girls, that's mean!" can you believe how lame?

I was the weird kid and I wish someone would have taken my hand and corrected me. Told me it was okay to have my interests, but some things were better to keep to myself and enjoy at home instead of making it known with others.

My mom always just gave the lame, "they're just jealous line!" whenever I said something instead of, you know, saying "hey Sarah, you know what might make these girls stop teasing you? If you toned down your love of ___ and didn't wear so many shirts with ____ on them."

I find this advice incredibly sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did they say?

That she's weird and annoying. "Wait, are you friends with Larla?" "No, definitely not." stuff too.

And you said nothing because....? ?

NP here. I was a bullied child myself but I personally don't think anything good would have come out of OP confronting those girls. They are entitled to their feelings about whoever, including her daughter. It hurts because it's her daughter but doesn't make it wrong. They were gossiping and basically, isn't that what adult women also do? Just tell your DD to choose her friends more carefully. This is real life. Haters gonna hate.