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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Not the same but...I was 5 when I “trashed talk” a toddler neighbor with another 5 year old. The toddler’s mom overheard us, came up and said that we don’t have to play with her daughter, and, in fact, she does not want us to play with her if that’s how we talk about our friends behind their backs.[b] I was mortified[/b]. I still remember it and I am 37. [/quote]

And that's the difference between a 5-year-old and a 13-year-old. A bunch of 13-year-olds wouldn't be mortified, they'd laugh it off and move on. A bit too late for that tactics.
Talking to the coach and having him/her deal with the situation would be more likely to get to them, but, like someone else said earlier, it might backfire, so it's your call. [/quote]

I don't know. When I was 13 a friend and I would go talk to our history teacher. It was mostly my friend but I would interject comments here and there. There was a lot of sarcasm all around. I don't recall the topic or what I said -- or how it was different from anything my friend said -- but on one occasion, the teacher turned to me and said, "you are very snide."

I was mortified. I still can't think about it without embarrassment and I am 39. It made a huge impression. It made me aware that what I said could hurt others. After that I really learned to watch what I was saying and who could hear me. I am not a gossip now as an adult -- I am happy to hear stories but I don't trade them, and if things are heading in a nasty direction I am not afraid to deflect or say "you know, I'd rather we not talk about so-and-so that way."

I never went back to talking to that teacher, by the way. He was right but 13 year olds are easily embarrassed.

In OP's situation I would do as some posters have suggested and tell the girls they are being unkind.
[b]
I am also surprised that so many posters here are assuming that because these girls are saying something nasty, there is indeed something wrong with OP's daughter or something she needs to change[/b]. Surely, among those of us who have been 13 year old girls, we all remember that frequently girls will seize on any difference, no matter how small, and bully others over it. Would you say she had to change if they were commenting on her skin color? Religion? orientation? choice of books? failure to watch a certain TV show? She may be totally normal and conformist already. And if she's not -- that is fine too. She doesn't have to change for these girls. And even if she did, dedicated bullies would not respect her for it; they'd just find something else to pick on. Bowing to the crowd and peer pressure for the wrong reasons is not worthwhile.[/quote]

I think there's a huge difference between encouraging a kid to be a conformist, and helping a kid to understand when she is being non-conformist.  Imagine a girl who wears dresses to school because her grandma told her she looks nice in dresses.  Not that she particularly likes dresses, but she just doesn't realize that other girls are wearing gym clothes.  If a girl likes dresses and feels good about them, I think she should 100% be encouraged to do it regardless of what others are doing.  But if she's doing it because she's mis-interpreted the social cues (dresses are nice and I want people to think I am nice, hence I will wear dresses), then you need to help her understand the social cues, so she can make her own choice about what to wear.  That's sort of an extreme example, but that's what I'm thinking.  There are also a lot of kids that do things that are irritating without realizing it (for instance, sucking their hair, or singing loudly to themselves or interrupting others when they are talking....) --  if that's the reasons they are being bullied or teased, then it's important to help them understand the social norms.  That can be true at the same time that it's true that the mean girls should be kinder, less judgmental and less gossipy.   I say this as a former relatively non-conformist oddball kid, who I guess is still non-conformist in some ways and conformist in others. [/quote]

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