if you overheard your child's peers talking bad about her...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you said this happened at a Meet?
Was this a sporting event? Would it be worthwhile to mention it to the coach and discuss their bullying policy and team-building efforts?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, first of all stop with the "mean girl" label. Girls are no more or less mean than boys! Second, people talk about other people. They do it all the time. The only thing that makes this different is that you overheard it. Someone you know and maybe like may well have said something not so terrific about you this week. I know it feels bad to hear but not everyone will like you nor will everyone like your child. Be glad your daughter didn't overhear it and move on.

I'm a huge feminist and not a big fan of gender-determinism in general, but I think it doesn't do anyone any favor to ignore the gendered components of this kind of behavior, particularly among kids between the ages of 10 and 15. The truth is that girl-group-think is qualitatitvely different from boy-group-think at this particular age. (And maybe later -- have you seen the DCUM posts by women saying that any woman that does not paint her toenails is trashy? I just can't imagine any man making an equivalent comment.) Male bullying, particularly at this age, tends to take a different form. And, for kids this age, relationships are somewhat harder to navigate for girls than for boys. Ask any mom of a girl with ASD, and she can tell you how hard it is for girls who can't read subtle social cues. It's brutal. At this age, girls, in particular, are trying to define themselves and a large part of how they do that is through defining social groups, often through very narrow or arbitrary conditions (who likes a particular brand, who has a particular phone app, etc...) It's a very difficult process for almost any girl to go through this, but particularly hard for girls that are socially atypical in any way, or that are not highly skilled in reading subtle social cues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously? What should OP have said? And don’t you think that would just add fuel to the fire?

OP, I’m so sorry. I can imagine how that hurt.

+1.
Three twelve-year-olds are talking about Larla being 'weird and annoying', and then a grown-ass woman barges out of a stall, butts in and screams: "No, she's not, you're a weirdo yourself!"
Sounds like quite a debate!

Drama queen.

How about "Do you girls realize that others can hear you? What if Larla heard you?"
They're 12, they likely thought they were being secretly snotty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you said this happened at a Meet?
Was this a sporting event? Would it be worthwhile to mention it to the coach and discuss their bullying policy and team-building efforts?

+1

yes, talking to the coach is a great idea.

Saying something to the kids themselves especially about a conversation overheard in a bathroom? NO NO NO!! This is not going to help your daughter's cause at all with 12/13 year olds. Your daughter would be mortified. The girls will write off your entire family as weird and "cringy" (and who cares--except your daughter apparently has to play on a team with them).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously? What should OP have said? And don’t you think that would just add fuel to the fire?

OP, I’m so sorry. I can imagine how that hurt.

+1.
Three twelve-year-olds are talking about Larla being 'weird and annoying', and then a grown-ass woman barges out of a stall, butts in and screams: "No, she's not, you're a weirdo yourself!"
Sounds like quite a debate!

Drama queen.

How about "Do you girls realize that others can hear you? What if Larla heard you?"
They're 12, they likely thought they were being secretly snotty.

In my experience with 12yo girls, they are equally comfortable being snotty to your face as they are being secretly snotty. I don't know that someone's mom suggesting that they think about the feelings of others is going to get through, at all. If I overheard a particular group of girls saying mean things about my daughter, I'd try to suss out if they are people she considers to actually be friends and maybe encourage her to look elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, first of all stop with the "mean girl" label. Girls are no more or less mean than boys! Second, people talk about other people. They do it all the time. The only thing that makes this different is that you overheard it. Someone you know and maybe like may well have said something not so terrific about you this week. I know it feels bad to hear but not everyone will like you nor will everyone like your child. Be glad your daughter didn't overhear it and move on.

I'm a huge feminist and not a big fan of gender-determinism in general, but I think it doesn't do anyone any favor to ignore the gendered components of this kind of behavior, particularly among kids between the ages of 10 and 15. The truth is that girl-group-think is qualitatitvely different from boy-group-think at this particular age. (And maybe later -- have you seen the DCUM posts by women saying that any woman that does not paint her toenails is trashy? I just can't imagine any man making an equivalent comment.) Male bullying, particularly at this age, tends to take a different form. And, for kids this age, relationships are somewhat harder to navigate for girls than for boys. Ask any mom of a girl with ASD, and she can tell you how hard it is for girls who can't read subtle social cues. It's brutal. At this age, girls, in particular, are trying to define themselves and a large part of how they do that is through defining social groups, often through very narrow or arbitrary conditions (who likes a particular brand, who has a particular phone app, etc...) It's a very difficult process for almost any girl to go through this, but particularly hard for girls that are socially atypical in any way, or that are not highly skilled in reading subtle social cues.

+1. Excellent post.

[Anonymous]

How the scenario would have gone if the OP had confronted the girls:

[Mother exits the bathroom]

Mean girls - OMG! (hysterical laughter) Can you believe her? Psycho! No wonder Larla's so weird!

[Next time mean girls see Larla]

Mean girls - say hi to your mom for us, Larla. We had such a good chat in the bathroom! (laughter so she knows they're teasing her)

Mean girls to everyone else they meet that day in the near future - OMG! You'll NEVER believe what Laral's mom did... So, we were in the bathroom and you know how Larala is super weird? Right, yeah, so we were talking and her mom overheard us! I know right! Insane and she was like "be nice girls, that's mean!" can you believe how lame?

I was the weird kid and I wish someone would have taken my hand and corrected me. Told me it was okay to have my interests, but some things were better to keep to myself and enjoy at home instead of making it known with others.

My mom always just gave the lame, "they're just jealous line!" whenever I said something instead of, you know, saying "hey Sarah, you know what might make these girls stop teasing you? If you toned down your love of ___ and didn't wear so many shirts with ____ on them."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seriously? What should OP have said? And don’t you think that would just add fuel to the fire?

OP, I’m so sorry. I can imagine how that hurt.

"Hi girls. I'm Larla's mom."

That's it. They will know.

[Anonymous]

PP: Really? You really wish your mom told you to tone down something you loved?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Something similar happened to me-overheard a girl dd thought was a friend say something really mean about her to a couple of other girls. The girls she was talking to saw me and looked really embarrassed, and I made it super obvious to the mean girl that I had heard exactly what she said. I looked her straight in the eye and said in a flat, unemotional tone something like “that is not a nice thing to say about someone who is supposed to be your friend. Friends don’t say mean things about each other.” And I turned around and walked away.

I also then mentioned to dd later in an unrelated conversation that this particular girl might not be such a good friend. I didn’t tell her what was said, just that I wasn’t sure this particular girl treats her friends very well.

I would have done something similar. I would also have considered telling the other girls’s mom. Especially if the mom and I both considered them good friends prior to this. And I would want to be told if another mom heard my daughter talking like this too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you said this happened at a Meet?
Was this a sporting event? Would it be worthwhile to mention it to the coach and discuss their bullying policy and team-building efforts?

+1

-1 If OP elevates it to the team coach the girls involved will be called out, and eventually it will get back to pp's DC what was said. Especially don't say anything if this was a summer swim meet where the season is basically over. Address it by working on your DD's social skills.

[Anonymous]

Not the same but...I was 5 when I “trashed talk” a toddler neighbor with another 5 year old. The toddler’s mom overheard us, came up and said that we don’t have to play with her daughter, and, in fact, she does not want us to play with her if that’s how we talk about our friends behind their backs. I was mortified. I still remember it and I am 37.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously? What should OP have said? And don’t you think that would just add fuel to the fire?

OP, I’m so sorry. I can imagine how that hurt.

+1.
Three twelve-year-olds are talking about Larla being 'weird and annoying', and then a grown-ass woman barges out of a stall, butts in and screams: "No, she's not, you're a weirdo yourself!"
Sounds like quite a debate!

No but she could have calmly come out of the stall and said, hi I’m Larla’s mom. That should have done it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously? What should OP have said? And don’t you think that would just add fuel to the fire?

OP, I’m so sorry. I can imagine how that hurt.

"Hi girls. I'm Larla's mom."

That's it. They will know.

No, no, no. This is just setting your kid up for ridicule. The daughter would be MORTIFIED if she knew her mom engaged with her "friends"/teammates at all. Mortified.

I have 12 (13 in Sept) year old twins. If a parent stepped in (from a stall none-the-less) the "mean" girls I know would die of laughter as soon as the mom left the room.
Now do you not only have an unliked kid you have a kid with a really weird mom (in the eyes of a 13 year old).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Why didn’t you SAY something??!!???

Because mom is probably like her daughter, same meek pushover that’s always gotten tormented by pushy alpha mean girls.