is it normal for college kid not to have friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Totally agree with the above and I have a DD in a similar situation. She has many acquaintances and is involved in many clubs and activities so "putting herself out there" isn't the issue. It is more about having a difficult time translating these group interactions into true friendships. She also assumes that others don't really want to hang out with her and fears the rejection. She has been seeing a therapist this semester which seems to really be helping her self esteem and confidence though she has a long way to go. They are also working on specific social techniques. She had to realize that once she meets someone she wants to be friends with, she has to follow up and ask them to lunch, or to study, or whatever instead of waiting for them to take the first move and assuming that they don't like her.

In retrospect, making friends has been an issue her whole life but she had a great group of friends from childhood so she never really had to work to make new friends. When she got to college, she really didn't know how to recreate those types of friendships and actually has to learn some skills that others learn naturally.

It's exactly the issue -- joining clubs is great, but it isn't the social risk that asking someone to go get coffee after class or asking to sit with someone at dinner is not. (I'm another one who had a hard time asking people to do stuff with me, because someone having something else to do still felt like personal rejection.)

How DO students ask each other to do things? My DC also has this struggle (still in HS) and I want to share some tips before college. I also wasn't the most outgoing but always had friends somehow--I don't remember any specific conscious effort.

[Anonymous]

It almost sounds like she has too many activities on top.of.classes. College students need some down time just to hang out with people to make friends. If she gives herself some more time to hang out in public areas in the dorm or eat with some of her activity friends it might be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
How DO students ask each other to do things? My DC also has this struggle (still in HS) and I want to share some tips before college. I also wasn't the most outgoing but always had friends somehow--I don't remember any specific conscious effort.

You just . . . do it? I think it's hard for a lot of people to understand that this is thing you need to do, because for some people it's so easy -- as they walk down the hall of their dorm, they ask people whose doors are open if they want to go for ice cream. If they see someone coming back from a run, they ask if they'd like to go for a run together that weekend. As they're leaving a class, they ask where someone else is headed now. They fit little conversations and little offers to do something together into their moments of proximity to other people. For some people, that comes naturally. The rest of us have to push ourselves to make the effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
How DO students ask each other to do things? My DC also has this struggle (still in HS) and I want to share some tips before college. I also wasn't the most outgoing but always had friends somehow--I don't remember any specific conscious effort.

You just . . . do it? I think it's hard for a lot of people to understand that this is thing you need to do, because for some people it's so easy -- as they walk down the hall of their dorm, they ask people whose doors are open if they want to go for ice cream. If they see someone coming back from a run, they ask if they'd like to go for a run together that weekend. As they're leaving a class, they ask where someone else is headed now. They fit little conversations and little offers to do something together into their moments of proximity to other people. For some people, that comes naturally. The rest of us have to push ourselves to make the effort.

This is so true.The school doesn't matter nearly as much as the student's social skills. Someone who makes friends easily is going to make friends at any school they attend. Someone who is afraid to make these types of interactions is going to struggle anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think sometimes kids get busy enough they don’t have time to hang out and that can get in the way of developing real friendships (vs friendly acquaintanceships).

Two or three suggestions that may or may not be helpful/relevant:

Study in public — library, student center, common areas of dorm, computer lab, near where tutoring is offered, cafes. My DC struck up friendships with classmates who tended to study at the same place at the same times (eg night before weekly p-set was due). One would get stuck on a problem, ask another for help, and pretty soon they’d be studying (and/or taking breaks) together. I was a humanities major so the ask for help/study together format was less relevant, but I did tend to study at the same place(s) in the library at the same time, so I was easy for people to find/run into.

Be willing to be vulnerable, ask for help, talk about your challenges with friendly acquaintances. Often that’s what takes relationships to the next level (some combination of candor and trust). Obviously, it’s not the stuff you lead with, but if your DD is the kind of kid others turn to for help but who never turns to others (mine’s like this), sometimes sharing/not always coming from a position of strength or security makes a real difference.

Initiate! Enjoying your conversation after class? Suggest continuing it over lunch or coffee. Getting burnt out studying? Propose a trip to the gym. Planning on going downtown for a movie or to TJ’s for groceries? Invite class/dorm/EC-mates to come along.

These are good. I would also say start w/ the people she eats lunch with. Has she initiated any conversations? Asked them about themselves (summer plans, clothing styles, even just about the food they're eating)? It doesn't have to bee deep. Also, complimenting people is a great way to open the door to a potential friendship. Good luck to your DD!

[Anonymous]

This post reminds me of myself 25+ years ago! But now I am a 46 year old with plenty of good friends

I went to an intense SLAC & am an introvert. On paper, the school *sounds* like it would facilitate friendships, but I was too busy studying & was of a lower SES than a lot of the others, who all seemed to know each other from boarding school/hunter college HS/Stuyvesant/Bronx science/Newton North & Newton South. I just never found “my people.”

My only lasting friend from college is my old college boyfriend - our families will still hang out together sometimes, and we reminisce. Since we have know each other so long, no one bothers to put up a front. So, my old boyfriend SEEMED to have lots of friends in college (he was way “cooler” than me - athlete, came from some money, fancy boarding school) but he says that he was also kind of lonely, too, and felt like his college friends were fake. His wife also went to our college & she said her friendships felt superficial, too. But if you had seen them in 1992, they both seemed to have so many friends. My husband went to an intense STEM school & also had no good friends in college - he mostly hung out with 2 kids he knew from high school!

I found it far, far easier to make meaningful friends in grad school, at work, with neighbors, or with my kids’ friends’ parents. I totally understand your concern, but it will probably be ok. while I think it’s great that some kids have amazing college friendships, some of us did not, and today we are successful and (mostly) functional adults - who do have some good friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's just finishing up her sophomore year. She has some people to eat meals with, but that's mostly the extent of their relationship and she otherwise spends most of her time studying in her dorm, working, working out, or on her extracurriculars. She is involved in a LOT and when we visited her she seemed to have a lot of people to say "hi" to as she crossed campus, but no real, sustained friendships.

Not normal, but I knew people who were just so focused on their studies and other organized activities that they didn’t make those college friendships that last decades. It’s ok. They weren’t miserable.