is it normal for college kid not to have friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to get involved in clubs, community service, committees, etc. Working together with people is the quickest way to build connections.

You need to work on your reading comprehension

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe buy a book on social skills to read over the summer. This summer could she work with a Cognitive-Behavioral therapist on strategies to engage the people she eats meals with to go do some things out, like see a movie or watch shows together or study? That seems like a good place to start. They could come up with a number of strategies and ideas for invitations and role play how to ask. Would your DD say she has social anxiety or is she at all depressed?

She's just a shy kid, a little awkward- super friendly, kind, and easy to get along with but is just quiet and isn't great at putting herself out there. Also an introvert who needs alone time, which can be a bit of a challenge.

Also a bit overweight and had to get braces summer before starting college- braces come off in July and she's hoping to shed some pounds this summer so maybe that will help with confidence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to get involved in clubs, community service, committees, etc. Working together with people is the quickest way to build connections.

You need to work on your reading comprehension

OP, you’re pretty nasty for someone who’s asking strangers for help.

All you said was the she was involved in “extracurriculars.” That could mean anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe buy a book on social skills to read over the summer. This summer could she work with a Cognitive-Behavioral therapist on strategies to engage the people she eats meals with to go do some things out, like see a movie or watch shows together or study? That seems like a good place to start. They could come up with a number of strategies and ideas for invitations and role play how to ask. Would your DD say she has social anxiety or is she at all depressed?

She's just a shy kid, a little awkward- super friendly, kind, and easy to get along with but is just quiet and isn't great at putting herself out there. Also an introvert who needs alone time, which can be a bit of a challenge.

Also a bit overweight and had to get braces summer before starting college- braces come off in July and she's hoping to shed some pounds this summer so maybe that will help with confidence.

Sounds like what is happening is normal for her - or at least not a new problem.

But with these comments from mom re body image and looks ... I wonder where her reticence came from. Also I think for many kids the expectation that college will always result in lifetime friends just isn’t true.

[Anonymous]

My son has always been like this - he has a touch of Asperger's. I anticipate he will be like this college as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe buy a book on social skills to read over the summer. This summer could she work with a Cognitive-Behavioral therapist on strategies to engage the people she eats meals with to go do some things out, like see a movie or watch shows together or study? That seems like a good place to start. They could come up with a number of strategies and ideas for invitations and role play how to ask. Would your DD say she has social anxiety or is she at all depressed?

She's just a shy kid, a little awkward- super friendly, kind, and easy to get along with but is just quiet and isn't great at putting herself out there. Also an introvert who needs alone time, which can be a bit of a challenge.

Also a bit overweight and had to get braces summer before starting college- braces come off in July and she's hoping to shed some pounds this summer so maybe that will help with confidence.

My son is similar - wanting last minute hang outs, but not doing the work to make that natural stuff happen. Your daughter really has to start making actual plans in advance so that hangout stuff isn't so odd. And she shoulnn't live alone

[Anonymous]

LMaybe if you lose weight, you’ll have friends” is an effed up message to send on so many levels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe buy a book on social skills to read over the summer. This summer could she work with a Cognitive-Behavioral therapist on strategies to engage the people she eats meals with to go do some things out, like see a movie or watch shows together or study? That seems like a good place to start. They could come up with a number of strategies and ideas for invitations and role play how to ask. Would your DD say she has social anxiety or is she at all depressed?

She's just a shy kid, a little awkward- super friendly, kind, and easy to get along with but is just quiet and isn't great at putting herself out there. Also an introvert who needs alone time, which can be a bit of a challenge.

Also a bit overweight and had to get braces summer before starting college- braces come off in July and she's hoping to shed some pounds this summer so maybe that will help with confidence.

The bolded is all the more reason to try the above suggestion regarding CBT. Sounds like she just needs a little help to build her confidence and strategies to take risks and make plans with people. My DC is like this. DC has an underlying expectation that peers won't want to hang out and there is fear of rejection. There may be more at play than just "shyness": fear of rejection, low self concept, perfectionism, lack of strategies or ideas or stock phrases of how to initiate, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe buy a book on social skills to read over the summer. This summer could she work with a Cognitive-Behavioral therapist on strategies to engage the people she eats meals with to go do some things out, like see a movie or watch shows together or study? That seems like a good place to start. They could come up with a number of strategies and ideas for invitations and role play how to ask. Would your DD say she has social anxiety or is she at all depressed?

She's just a shy kid, a little awkward- super friendly, kind, and easy to get along with but is just quiet and isn't great at putting herself out there. Also an introvert who needs alone time, which can be a bit of a challenge.

Also a bit overweight and had to get braces summer before starting college- braces come off in July and she's hoping to shed some pounds this summer so maybe that will help with confidence.

The bolded is all the more reason to try the above suggestion regarding CBT. Sounds like she just needs a little help to build her confidence and strategies to take risks and make plans with people. My DC is like this. DC has an underlying expectation that peers won't want to hang out and there is fear of rejection. There may be more at play than just "shyness": fear of rejection, low self concept, perfectionism, lack of strategies or ideas or stock phrases of how to initiate, etc.

Totally agree with the above and I have a DD in a similar situation. She has many acquaintances and is involved in many clubs and activities so "putting herself out there" isn't the issue. It is more about having a difficult time translating these group interactions into true friendships. She also assumes that others don't really want to hang out with her and fears the rejection. She has been seeing a therapist this semester which seems to really be helping her self esteem and confidence though she has a long way to go. They are also working on specific social techniques. She had to realize that once she meets someone she wants to be friends with, she has to follow up and ask them to lunch, or to study, or whatever instead of waiting for them to take the first move and assuming that they don't like her.

In retrospect, making friends has been an issue her whole life but she had a great group of friends from childhood so she never really had to work to make new friends. When she got to college, she really didn't know how to recreate those types of friendships and actually has to learn some skills that others learn naturally.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry that your DD is having a tough time at college. It sounds like she is doing everything right by joining clubs/extracurriculars. I don't think she is alone in her loneliness though. I hope she can connect with a few other people who are also looking for friendship.

My DS is similar (still in high school). I know he wants to be social, but is never really invited to anything and does not initiate or extend invitations. He stays home every weekend and watches youtube. If he happens to get an invitation, he is over the moon! But when I suggest that he extends invitations, he shuts me down and says, "maybe..." but then nothing happens.

Looking ahead, I am trying to find colleges where people are more inclusive and welcoming. But I'm not sure how to figure this out - everyone puts on a good face during tours, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry that your DD is having a tough time at college. It sounds like she is doing everything right by joining clubs/extracurriculars. I don't think she is alone in her loneliness though. I hope she can connect with a few other people who are also looking for friendship.

My DS is similar (still in high school). I know he wants to be social, but is never really invited to anything and does not initiate or extend invitations. He stays home every weekend and watches youtube. If he happens to get an invitation, he is over the moon! But when I suggest that he extends invitations, he shuts me down and says, "maybe..." but then nothing happens.

Looking ahead, I am trying to find colleges where people are more inclusive and welcoming. But I'm not sure how to figure this out - everyone puts on a good face during tours, etc.

Same here PP. I am struggling to figure out whether a small, nurturing college (smaller than DC's HS--fear is he could be pigeonholed as a loner early on) or a large university where there are more ways to develop relationships is the way to go.

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone. I'm in this boat too. A high school junior DD who seems happy enough at school, has kids to have lunch with, involved in lots of activities, but doesn't seem to have close friends to do things with outside of organized activities but would like them. What do I think would be great for her -- Yale's residential colleges. 6000 people at the college, so not too big or too small, and community fostered through the house system. Since it is highly unlikely she is going to get into Yale, what's an alternative setting for her. So far, she doesn't like the idea of a SLAC of 2000-2500 students -- thinks it would be small and maybe hard to find friends. But would love to hear viewpoints on this. Would an honors college at a state college be a good fit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi everyone. I'm in this boat too. A high school junior DD who seems happy enough at school, has kids to have lunch with, involved in lots of activities, but doesn't seem to have close friends to do things with outside of organized activities but would like them. What do I think would be great for her -- Yale's residential colleges. 6000 people at the college, so not too big or too small, and community fostered through the house system. Since it is highly unlikely she is going to get into Yale, what's an alternative setting for her. So far, she doesn't like the idea of a SLAC of 2000-2500 students -- thinks it would be small and maybe hard to find friends. But would love to hear viewpoints on this. Would an honors college at a state college be a good fit?

I'm the PP above. This is the advice I've heard from friends. Honors colleges or any ways to create a smaller, friendly community. Some say that dorm floors or wings have this sort of community feel as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi everyone. I'm in this boat too. A high school junior DD who seems happy enough at school, has kids to have lunch with, involved in lots of activities, but doesn't seem to have close friends to do things with outside of organized activities but would like them. What do I think would be great for her -- Yale's residential colleges. 6000 people at the college, so not too big or too small, and community fostered through the house system. Since it is highly unlikely she is going to get into Yale, what's an alternative setting for her. So far, she doesn't like the idea of a SLAC of 2000-2500 students -- thinks it would be small and maybe hard to find friends. But would love to hear viewpoints on this. Would an honors college at a state college be a good fit?

Franklin and Marshall is much smaller but has an approach where the first-year seminars are held in the dorms (also called houses) and your seminar group is made up of people from your particular house. I thought it would be a great thing for my shy DS.

Haverford is not a safety, but also gave the impression that they invest a great deal of effort in getting new students to know their dormmates during the orientation program. Also 90% of all students, including first-years get singles (tiny!) which would give more introverted students a place to get away. The lounge/common rooms clearly are gathering places (toured on a Saturday am) and it looked like it was well used the night before (pizza boxes, gaming controls all over, etc).

Rice has residential colleges too -- but not an easy university to get into.

[Anonymous]

Campus living and learning centers have this model--a joint class or seminar and themed or just community-focused dorm living. Lots of schools have this.