is it normal for college kid not to have friends?
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Anonymous
| She's just finishing up her sophomore year. She has some people to eat meals with, but that's mostly the extent of their relationship and she otherwise spends most of her time studying in her dorm, working, working out, or on her extracurriculars. She is involved in a LOT and when we visited her she seemed to have a lot of people to say "hi" to as she crossed campus, but no real, sustained friendships. |
Anonymous
|
Is this her perception, or yours?
Does she feel like she has friends? Does she want friends? |
Anonymous
Hers. She tells me exactly what I typed - I know a good amount of people, but I don't really have any friends that I could just text on a Monday night "hey wanna come over and watch the Bachelor?" That kinda stuff. Yes, she wants friends. She didn't really have any in high school either and I think she was hoping for college to be different but alas. |
Anonymous
| Why do you think this is? I mean, if it’s been this way since high school.... |
Anonymous
| She needs to get involved in clubs, community service, committees, etc. Working together with people is the quickest way to build connections. |
Anonymous
If she is involved in a lot of activities but doesn't have any friends, could it be that there is something about her? |
Anonymous
| It sounds like she’s close to making friends but if she never had them in high school maybe she could use a little support? Would she be willing to meet with someone from student counseling services? They could give her advice and encouragement, and also normalize the experience. Many people who are lovely have difficulty making friends. |
Anonymous
But if people are saying hi, all she has to do is push a bit harder with plans. OK, that's not all because clearly she is shy about taking that next step and it is hard to do. I'm sorry she is sad. If she's Jewish, I would recommend she add Hillel to her activities. Friday services/dinner are a social thing and people go out together afterwards. If she isn't Jewish, perhaps there's an equivalent? |
Anonymous
| My introverted sophomore has just this last semester found her group of friends, so don't let your DD give up. It started through a class where there was team-based full semester effort, so lots of contact and working together. She started to do things outside of class, first with just one person, then a larger group. She is at a big university because of a specialty major and really struggled to connect in her first three semesters. Through virtual connections she was sustained by her high school and other friends from home and worked with a therapist for an extra boost for the confidence to reach out or pick up on possible connections. I think that really helped. Hope it works out for your DD too. |
Anonymous
|
No. No, it's not normal.
I went to a college SUNY upstate and couldn't relate to any of the kids and basically had no friends. People were nice enough to me but I wasn't a partier and it seemed like the only people who could relate were the people in AA and I didn't want to be all heavy about not drinking, I just wanted to have fun without it. I moved home, went to community college, and made friends with three other girls in my major plus all the girls who worked at the Financial Aid office with me. |
Anonymous
This is good advice. She definitely can use the counseling services in the fall. Maybe when she comes home this summer she can meet with a therapist or counselor who can get the ball rolling for her? The PP is right that it sounds like she's close to making friends but she isn't closing the deal. So figuring out how to do that in a way that is natural for her. |
Anonymous
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I think sometimes kids get busy enough they don’t have time to hang out and that can get in the way of developing real friendships (vs friendly acquaintanceships).
Two or three suggestions that may or may not be helpful/relevant: Study in public — library, student center, common areas of dorm, computer lab, near where tutoring is offered, cafes. My DC struck up friendships with classmates who tended to study at the same place at the same times (eg night before weekly p-set was due). One would get stuck on a problem, ask another for help, and pretty soon they’d be studying (and/or taking breaks) together. I was a humanities major so the ask for help/study together format was less relevant, but I did tend to study at the same place(s) in the library at the same time, so I was easy for people to find/run into. Be willing to be vulnerable, ask for help, talk about your challenges with friendly acquaintances. Often that’s what takes relationships to the next level (some combination of candor and trust). Obviously, it’s not the stuff you lead with, but if your DD is the kind of kid others turn to for help but who never turns to others (mine’s like this), sometimes sharing/not always coming from a position of strength or security makes a real difference. Initiate! Enjoying your conversation after class? Suggest continuing it over lunch or coffee. Getting burnt out studying? Propose a trip to the gym. Planning on going downtown for a movie or to TJ’s for groceries? Invite class/dorm/EC-mates to come along. |
Anonymous
| Maybe buy a book on social skills to read over the summer. This summer could she work with a Cognitive-Behavioral therapist on strategies to engage the people she eats meals with to go do some things out, like see a movie or watch shows together or study? That seems like a good place to start. They could come up with a number of strategies and ideas for invitations and role play how to ask. Would your DD say she has social anxiety or is she at all depressed? |
Anonymous
You need to work on your reading comprehension |
Anonymous
| Is DD involved in too much? If she is super busy she may not have time to form deeper friendships. |