is it normal for college kid not to have friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you who are posting with kids still in high school, look into “Colleges That Change Lives.” The have a website, book, give talks around the country. Their schools are small and welcoming. They value strong relationships with faculty and a sense of community. My DC is at one, and has blossomed—much more confident and engaged that she was in high school. I think the small pond environment was less intimidating than high school in this area, which borders on being toxic.

Spare me the colleges that save lives baloney. It’s just a marketing gimmick for the second tier.

Ah, but hopefully at a CTCL school you could avoid people like this, which in my book is a win

CTCL and other similar schools might be a great experience for many students and the small, supportive environment might help them improve their self-esteem and make tons of friends and be happy forever. Or it might not. While it is important to search out a school where a student is going to have the best potential to be happy and social, for a student with a true social phobia or other underlying mental health issue, no school is going to fix that without outside intervention. I don’t think it is fair to hold up a particular school (or group of schools) as a panacea because it takes the responsibility off the student to make changes to themselves and sets up a ridiculous expectation that the school has some supernatural capability to make people happy. Many CTCL schools have horrible retention rates which is a huge red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you who are posting with kids still in high school, look into “Colleges That Change Lives.” The have a website, book, give talks around the country. Their schools are small and welcoming. They value strong relationships with faculty and a sense of community. My DC is at one, and has blossomed—much more confident and engaged that she was in high school. I think the small pond environment was less intimidating than high school in this area, which borders on being toxic.

Spare me the colleges that save lives baloney. It’s just a marketing gimmick for the second tier.

Ah, but hopefully at a CTCL school you could avoid people like this, which in my book is a win

CTCL and other similar schools might be a great experience for many students and the small, supportive environment might help them improve their self-esteem and make tons of friends and be happy forever. Or it might not. While it is important to search out a school where a student is going to have the best potential to be happy and social, for a student with a true social phobia or other underlying mental health issue, no school is going to fix that without outside intervention. I don’t think it is fair to hold up a particular school (or group of schools) as a panacea because it takes the responsibility off the student to make changes to themselves and sets up a ridiculous expectation that the school has some supernatural capability to make people happy. Many CTCL schools have horrible retention rates which is a huge red flag.

CTCL schools are good for students academically, especially for those who may not have been the top of their class in high school. They challenge these students and they go on to graduate school at higher than expected rates.

However, they are not schools that do anything particular to foster social skills among their students, and they are also not immune from clique-ish behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you who are posting with kids still in high school, look into “Colleges That Change Lives.” The have a website, book, give talks around the country. Their schools are small and welcoming. They value strong relationships with faculty and a sense of community. My DC is at one, and has blossomed—much more confident and engaged that she was in high school. I think the small pond environment was less intimidating than high school in this area, which borders on being toxic.

Spare me the colleges that save lives baloney. It’s just a marketing gimmick for the second tier.

Ah, but hopefully at a CTCL school you could avoid people like this, which in my book is a win

CTCL and other similar schools might be a great experience for many students and the small, supportive environment might help them improve their self-esteem and make tons of friends and be happy forever. Or it might not. While it is important to search out a school where a student is going to have the best potential to be happy and social, for a student with a true social phobia or other underlying mental health issue, no school is going to fix that without outside intervention. I don’t think it is fair to hold up a particular school (or group of schools) as a panacea because it takes the responsibility off the student to make changes to themselves and sets up a ridiculous expectation that the school has some supernatural capability to make people happy. Many CTCL schools have horrible retention rates which is a huge red flag.

CTCL schools are good for students academically, especially for those who may not have been the top of their class in high school. They challenge these students and they go on to graduate school at higher than expected rates.

However, they are not schools that do anything particular to foster social skills among their students, and they are also not immune from clique-ish behavior.

THIS. I had a good experience overall at a CTCL, but yeah, the social scene was quite high school-like.

[Anonymous]

Shy or quirky kids are more likely to find a friend group at large universities. My dd is at a small northeastern college and if you’re not a spray tanned Jersey Girl in a black tube top, you might as well not even try to fit in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Shy or quirky kids are more likely to find a friend group at large universities. My dd is at a small northeastern college and if you’re not a spray tanned Jersey Girl in a black tube top, you might as well not even try to fit in.

Such nonsense. Name the school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi everyone. I'm in this boat too. A high school junior DD who seems happy enough at school, has kids to have lunch with, involved in lots of activities, but doesn't seem to have close friends to do things with outside of organized activities but would like them. What do I think would be great for her -- Yale's residential colleges. 6000 people at the college, so not too big or too small, and community fostered through the house system. Since it is highly unlikely she is going to get into Yale, what's an alternative setting for her. So far, she doesn't like the idea of a SLAC of 2000-2500 students -- thinks it would be small and maybe hard to find friends. But would love to hear viewpoints on this. Would an honors college at a state college be a good fit?

Franklin and Marshall is much smaller but has an approach where the first-year seminars are held in the dorms (also called houses) and your seminar group is made up of people from your particular house. I thought it would be a great thing for my shy DS.

Haverford is not a safety, but also gave the impression that they invest a great deal of effort in getting new students to know their dormmates during the orientation program. Also 90% of all students, including first-years get singles (tiny!) which would give more introverted students a place to get away. The lounge/common rooms clearly are gathering places (toured on a Saturday am) and it looked like it was well used the night before (pizza boxes, gaming controls all over, etc).

Rice has residential colleges too -- but not an easy university to get into.

Many schools now have living learning communities, which I would think help the introvert. University of Vermont is another example.

[Anonymous]

CTCL can have very specific "vibes" and if you don't meet that vibe, good luck. My daughter is politically liberal but pretty conventional in dress, personality, interests and we knew that she would absolutely not fit in at many of the schools on that list. Trust me, the skinny jean wearing male English major-types (or art major, or whatever) who like weed and identify as Democratic Socialists can be just as clique-y and judgmental as the blonde haired sorority girl...just about different things.

Whereas at a bigger school, there are so many (even just on the basis of pure numbers) types of people that you don't have to be a certain prototype to fit in.

[Anonymous]

Wow, are you off in describing the vibe of the CTCL's schools that we visited!! We went to ones that were strong in Science (such as Wooster & Juniata).

The kids we saw there were down to earth, maybe a little geeky. Not at ALL "skinny jean-wearing art majors" Did you even visit any of them? Or did you just rule them out because of you and your daughter's stereotypes?

[Anonymous]

I think the point is that it seems that CTCL colleges are recommended for everything. Shy kid? CTCL. Learning disabilities? CTCL.

And maybe they could be the right place or maybe not.

[Anonymous]

If she is a good student I would encourage her to forge some regular activities - be it part time work or as a TA or on campus volunteer- with actual GROWN UPS. High school through college aged kids can be cliquey and impossible for many of their peers. I bet she is not the only one on her floor even who feels as isolated. My son was the same way re true dependable friendships, as a junior studying abroad for this whole year in Europe has finally ‘fit in’. Best of luck to your girl!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi everyone. I'm in this boat too. A high school junior DD who seems happy enough at school, has kids to have lunch with, involved in lots of activities, but doesn't seem to have close friends to do things with outside of organized activities but would like them. What do I think would be great for her -- Yale's residential colleges. 6000 people at the college, so not too big or too small, and community fostered through the house system. Since it is highly unlikely she is going to get into Yale, what's an alternative setting for her. So far, she doesn't like the idea of a SLAC of 2000-2500 students -- thinks it would be small and maybe hard to find friends. But would love to hear viewpoints on this. Would an honors college at a state college be a good fit?

Franklin and Marshall is much smaller but has an approach where the first-year seminars are held in the dorms (also called houses) and your seminar group is made up of people from your particular house. I thought it would be a great thing for my shy DS.

Haverford is not a safety, but also gave the impression that they invest a great deal of effort in getting new students to know their dormmates during the orientation program. Also 90% of all students, including first-years get singles (tiny!) which would give more introverted students a place to get away. The lounge/common rooms clearly are gathering places (toured on a Saturday am) and it looked like it was well used the night before (pizza boxes, gaming controls all over, etc).

Rice has residential colleges too -- but not an easy university to get into.

Many schools now have living learning communities, which I would think help the introvert. University of Vermont is another example.

I would suggest looking at Oberlin. My daughter sounds like PP child and she loves it. Lots of quirky kids who are friendly and open. They have theme living and co-op living where the students cook and manage the property. My daughter isn’t in either of those but has found such interesting friends, while also being around people who enjoy their alone time. They also have good supports for disabilities. The size is around 3000 undergrad including the music conservatory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shy or quirky kids are more likely to find a friend group at large universities. My dd is at a small northeastern college and if you’re not a spray tanned Jersey Girl in a black tube top, you might as well not even try to fit in.

Such nonsense. Name the school.

Yeah, didn’t think so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi everyone. I'm in this boat too. A high school junior DD who seems happy enough at school, has kids to have lunch with, involved in lots of activities, but doesn't seem to have close friends to do things with outside of organized activities but would like them. What do I think would be great for her -- Yale's residential colleges. 6000 people at the college, so not too big or too small, and community fostered through the house system. Since it is highly unlikely she is going to get into Yale, what's an alternative setting for her. So far, she doesn't like the idea of a SLAC of 2000-2500 students -- thinks it would be small and maybe hard to find friends. But would love to hear viewpoints on this. Would an honors college at a state college be a good fit?

Franklin and Marshall is much smaller but has an approach where the first-year seminars are held in the dorms (also called houses) and your seminar group is made up of people from your particular house. I thought it would be a great thing for my shy DS.

Haverford is not a safety, but also gave the impression that they invest a great deal of effort in getting new students to know their dormmates during the orientation program. Also 90% of all students, including first-years get singles (tiny!) which would give more introverted students a place to get away. The lounge/common rooms clearly are gathering places (toured on a Saturday am) and it looked like it was well used the night before (pizza boxes, gaming controls all over, etc).

I just wanted to thank you and the many other posters who offered advice. I will look into the recommended schools. I’ve heard lots of great things about Oberlin.

Rice has residential colleges too -- but not an easy university to get into.

Many schools now have living learning communities, which I would think help the introvert. University of Vermont is another example.

I would suggest looking at Oberlin. My daughter sounds like PP child and she loves it. Lots of quirky kids who are friendly and open. They have theme living and co-op living where the students cook and manage the property. My daughter isn’t in either of those but has found such interesting friends, while also being around people who enjoy their alone time. They also have good supports for disabilities. The size is around 3000 undergrad including the music conservatory.

[Anonymous]

People who have had good experiences at CTCL tend to recommend them. They are not marketers, they are parents.

People with no experience at them, tend to disparage them. Not sure why. But I do know which poster's "evidence" is more valid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Totally agree with the above and I have a DD in a similar situation. She has many acquaintances and is involved in many clubs and activities so "putting herself out there" isn't the issue. It is more about having a difficult time translating these group interactions into true friendships. She also assumes that others don't really want to hang out with her and fears the rejection. She has been seeing a therapist this semester which seems to really be helping her self esteem and confidence though she has a long way to go. They are also working on specific social techniques. She had to realize that once she meets someone she wants to be friends with, she has to follow up and ask them to lunch, or to study, or whatever instead of waiting for them to take the first move and assuming that they don't like her.

In retrospect, making friends has been an issue her whole life but she had a great group of friends from childhood so she never really had to work to make new friends. When she got to college, she really didn't know how to recreate those types of friendships and actually has to learn some skills that others learn naturally.

It's exactly the issue -- joining clubs is great, but it isn't the social risk that asking someone to go get coffee after class or asking to sit with someone at dinner is not. (I'm another one who had a hard time asking people to do stuff with me, because someone having something else to do still felt like personal rejection.)