Leave apouse for affair partner?

[Anonymous]

There is lots of drama with these questions. A good friend of mine married her AP. They’ve been happy together for 20 years. A lot depends on the circumstances of the affair, not to mention the personalities involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My AP and I have been seeing each other off and on for alost 5 years. Even though we get slong so well and love spending time with each other we both agree we could never have a real relationship together.

Part of why we get along so well is that we don't have all the baggage that being married has. At the start of our affair I could have seen myself leaving my DH for him but realized things would never be the same with him.

We make the most of our time together and thats where it ends.

I didn't write this but that is exactly where I am with my AP as well. 5 yrs. Love him. But without the marriage baggage.

Is it just chemistry? Hot sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My AP and I have been seeing each other off and on for alost 5 years. Even though we get slong so well and love spending time with each other we both agree we could never have a real relationship together.

Part of why we get along so well is that we don't have all the baggage that being married has. At the start of our affair I could have seen myself leaving my DH for him but realized things would never be the same with him.

We make the most of our time together and thats where it ends.

I didn't write this but that is exactly where I am with my AP as well. 5 yrs. Love him. But without the marriage baggage.

Is it just chemistry? Hot sex?

Do you feel like a long term affair has helped or hurt your marriage? My marriage is reallly dead and it’s making me brighter and renstful. But we have a going kid and divorce would be devastating. No interest in ever remarrying but sometimes think a long term AP whomisnt crazy would actually take the pressure off my own marriage and I would stop feeling so let down by DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My AP and I have been seeing each other off and on for alost 5 years. Even though we get slong so well and love spending time with each other we both agree we could never have a real relationship together.

Part of why we get along so well is that we don't have all the baggage that being married has. At the start of our affair I could have seen myself leaving my DH for him but realized things would never be the same with him.

We make the most of our time together and thats where it ends.

I didn't write this but that is exactly where I am with my AP as well. 5 yrs. Love him. But without the marriage baggage.

Would it hurt you or bother you if your DH had an affair?

[Anonymous]

In this day and age where divorce is so easy, why cheat? Give your best to the marriage, and if that doesn’t work, leave with a clean conscience. If you are having an affair, you already checked out of the marriage. Don’t pretend to stay for “the kids” because it’s a lie. Lying is not a good model behavior for your children. Divorce your spouse, set them free so they can find someone who will treat them better than you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In this day and age where divorce is so easy, why cheat? Give your best to the marriage, and if that doesn’t work, leave with a clean conscience. If you are having an affair, you already checked out of the marriage. Don’t pretend to stay for “the kids” because it’s a lie. Lying is not a good model behavior for your children. Divorce your spouse, set them free so they can find someone who will treat them better than you.

Marriage is easy - divorce is hard. There is a significant number of family lawyers whose job depends on it being painful and expensive !!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The stigma will follow you FOREVER, and it's is a million times worse for the female. Everyone in his family will always, always think if you as the honewrecking whore, even if they didn't like his ex. If there are kids involved, you are pretty much guaranteeing they will hate you and make your life miserable. You might be happy for a hot minute, but the stigma takes a toll. Trust me, I've been there.

Certainly true when it comes to my brother and his mistress-turned-wife. My parents tolerate her because they want a relationship with their son, and now there are grandchildren. My other brother and I want nothing to do with either of them--they both showed they're selfish, spiteful people beyond the affair. The children from my brother's first marriage, who were only 3 when he walked out, are now old enough that they've started putting the pieces together and it has done a number on their relationship with their father and last I heard they barely speak to their stepmother. Nearly every friend my brother had during that first marriage has nothing to do with him any more.

Sure hope the cost of destroying all those relationships was worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In this day and age where divorce is so easy, why cheat? Give your best to the marriage, and if that doesn’t work, leave with a clean conscience. If you are having an affair, you already checked out of the marriage. Don’t pretend to stay for “the kids” because it’s a lie. Lying is not a good model behavior for your children. Divorce your spouse, set them free so they can find someone who will treat them better than you.

Marriage is easy - divorce is hard. There is a significant number of family lawyers whose job depends on it being painful and expensive !!

Another excuse. Not all lawyers are crooks. A good lawyer will facilitate and make the process as painless as possible, not to say divorce won’t be pain free. If you’re sleeping with someone else, you’re already in pain. But cheaters are weak of mind, selfish, and cowardly. They always have some excuses, excuses to cheat and excuses to stay, but rarely their own fault, rarely take shared responsibility for the breakdown of their marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The stigma will follow you FOREVER, and it's is a million times worse for the female. Everyone in his family will always, always think if you as the honewrecking whore, even if they didn't like his ex. If there are kids involved, you are pretty much guaranteeing they will hate you and make your life miserable. You might be happy for a hot minute, but the stigma takes a toll. Trust me, I've been there.

Certainly true when it comes to my brother and his mistress-turned-wife. My parents tolerate her because they want a relationship with their son, and now there are grandchildren. My other brother and I want nothing to do with either of them--they both showed they're selfish, spiteful people beyond the affair. The children from my brother's first marriage, who were only 3 when he walked out, are now old enough that they've started putting the pieces together and it has done a number on their relationship with their father and last I heard they barely speak to their stepmother. Nearly every friend my brother had during that first marriage has nothing to do with him any more.

Sure hope the cost of destroying all those relationships was worth it.

Oh come on - this is so melodramatic. I certainly feel for the kids involved, but you and your brother and your parents are ridiculous for ostracizing him over a marriage to which none of you were a party. This is an appropriate reaction toward a criminal, not toward a cheating brother. But hey, whatever makes you feel morally superior, I guess.

[Anonymous]

I know of 2nd marriages where one of the spouses (men) left their original spouse for the OW (both were single women). Both marriages have lasted about 15-18 years at this point. Maybe they are good marriages. Maybe they aren't. From this vantage point they seem fine.

[Anonymous]

once a cheater always a cheater

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My AP and I have been seeing each other off and on for alost 5 years. Even though we get slong so well and love spending time with each other we both agree we could never have a real relationship together.

Part of why we get along so well is that we don't have all the baggage that being married has. At the start of our affair I could have seen myself leaving my DH for him but realized things would never be the same with him.

We make the most of our time together and thats where it ends.

I didn't write this but that is exactly where I am with my AP as well. 5 yrs. Love him. But without the marriage baggage.

Is it just chemistry? Hot sex?

Do you feel like a long term affair has helped or hurt your marriage? My marriage is reallly dead and it’s making me brighter and renstful. But we have a going kid and divorce would be devastating. No interest in ever remarrying but sometimes think a long term AP whomisnt crazy would actually take the pressure off my own marriage and I would stop feeling so let down by DH.

Im sure all people in affairs try to justify what they are doing. For me, being with him is like mini vacation once or twice a week that lets me recharge and take my mind off everything else. So in that sense it is a release for me that I feel helps our marriage.

We have amazing chemistry, and yes the sex is great too. I wouldnt be sleeping with him this long if it wasnt.

I had to stop and think if it would bother me if he was having an affair as well. If Im being totally honest it would probably sting a little but I dont think it would hurt me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was recently at a meeting in my firm where we were discussing the paralegals' performance and case load. One of them left her marriage for one of the junior lawyers in the office. Broke up two families. They married each other about 4 years ago. When one of my colleagues suggested pulling her in to an upcoming case, several others laughed and asked him if he was hoping to get some on the side. As far as I know they are happily married, but the guy will NEVER make partner because of his poor judgement regarding sleeping with a paralegal in the same firm.

But yeah... They seem happy.

Wow. Hostile work environment much?

[Anonymous]

Here's my two cents as an imperfect human being myself:

In some cases, affairs happen because the person in the marriage is at a different stage in his/her life and a divorce is probably on the horizon anyway. And sometimes, an affair takes place before the paperwork is finalized.

In my opinion, the person in question should feel free to settle in with the AP after the divorce. BUT - my advice is that they shouldn't marry. Date, live together, even raise the family if it's on that kind of terms, but don't marry.

Sometimes marriage isn't for everyone, and that's fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The stigma will follow you FOREVER, and it's is a million times worse for the female. Everyone in his family will always, always think if you as the honewrecking whore, even if they didn't like his ex. If there are kids involved, you are pretty much guaranteeing they will hate you and make your life miserable. You might be happy for a hot minute, but the stigma takes a toll. Trust me, I've been there.

Certainly true when it comes to my brother and his mistress-turned-wife. My parents tolerate her because they want a relationship with their son, and now there are grandchildren. My other brother and I want nothing to do with either of them--they both showed they're selfish, spiteful people beyond the affair. The children from my brother's first marriage, who were only 3 when he walked out, are now old enough that they've started putting the pieces together and it has done a number on their relationship with their father and last I heard they barely speak to their stepmother. Nearly every friend my brother had during that first marriage has nothing to do with him any more.

Sure hope the cost of destroying all those relationships was worth it.

Oh come on - this is so melodramatic. I certainly feel for the kids involved, but you and your brother and your parents are ridiculous for ostracizing him over a marriage to which none of you were a party. This is an appropriate reaction toward a criminal, not toward a cheating brother. But hey, whatever makes you feel morally superior, I guess.

Wow....I didn't read that at all. What I see is people who recognize selfish, immoral behaviors that they don't condone. It's not melodramatic at all, it's called having honor and integrity. It's called standing up for what's right. You should try it some time.