Leave apouse for affair partner?

[Anonymous]

Lol.... clearly rich people are better at love, right? Google is your friend.

The reason marriages to affairs don’t work out has nothing to do with money and everything to do with the foundation of their relationship... which is based in a very selfish endorphin-driven obsession. Both people know the other is capable of lying to their spouse... not just little lies, but complex manipulation that takes serious both know that they sacrificed a lot, so the pressure for it to be worth it is high. Affairs thrive in secrecy, but once they are out in th expensive they are less exciting. Also, once they no longer have any “obstacles” to being together, it looses the lure of feeling forbidden, and they have to find something to talk about other than how awful their existing marriages were (to justify the behavior they both know is heinous).

Then... if there are kids, imagine how your type A dominant male affair partner might appear when he’s trying to parent your teenagers. Your teenagers who HATE him for what he did. Or when the older kids in the blended family tell the younger ones that their mommy is a whore who fu@ks married men. Suddenly it’s not as exciting anymore when your affair partner doesn’t correct his kids when they are messing with yours. Because he feels guilty and he knows they are right... you are a whore.

The glue that held an affair together doesn’t last in real life when you have to deal with real shit... and they fail because NEITHER OF THEM KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH ACTUAL STRESS IN MARRIAGE because they both deal with it by finding someone else to vent to about their shitty spouse. They both choose to turn away from their spouse and into the arms of another when the going gets tough.

That’s why marriages to affair partners fail. Not money.




Wrong. I know of three marriages that began as affairs and they’re going strong years later. There is no one size fits all in this situation.

[Anonymous]

What about the adulterous partners who lie and rewrite history as to when they started dating - - of course it was after a legal separation, of course it was the “crazy” wife’s/husband’s fault it happened.

It’s their story and they will take it to the grave

The number of people’s lives that were effected and how it just continues, is quite heartbreaking

[Anonymous]

So much drama on this thread. Just be glad you don’t coexist with murderers and child molesters. A lot of people don’t care if the “stigma” of an affair follows them. It’s not shocking anymore.

[Anonymous]

Wrong. I know of three marriages that began as affairs and they’re going strong years later. There is no one size fits all in this situation.

That's just it. You don't know how their marriages are doing. How could you? Do you know neither of yhem are cheating? Do you know neither struggles with guilt? Do know know how their in laws and coworkers treat them? Their step kids? No. You don't. You think you do, but you don't.

[Anonymous]

I was recently at a meeting in my firm where we were discussing the paralegals' performance and case load. One of them left her marriage for one of the junior lawyers in the office. Broke up two families. They married each other about 4 years ago. When one of my colleagues suggested pulling her in to an upcoming case, several others laughed and asked him if he was hoping to get some on the side. As far as I know they are happily married, but the guy will NEVER make partner because of his poor judgement regarding sleeping with a paralegal in the same firm.

But yeah... They seem happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So much drama on this thread. Just be glad you don’t coexist with murderers and child molesters. A lot of people don’t care if the “stigma” of an affair follows them. It’s not shocking anymore.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-6782719/Billionaire-Harry-Macklowe-puts-huge-portraits-longtime-mistress-turned-new-bride.html

[Anonymous]

I know a couple that seem to be happy. None have kids together and there kids with their 1st spouses are older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the previous poster who left spouse and has been happily remarried for 14 years, why do you say not to do it?

Because while I love my current DH, I was too into my own emotions to realize how many people and things would be affected by divorce. My kids love my current husband, but they were grown when we got together. I realize that as happy as I am, it was selfish and hurtful. I even have a good relationship with my ex, but I cannot recommend doing what I did. It’s wrong and I was lucky things turned out so well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My AP and I have been seeing each other off and on for alost 5 years. Even though we get slong so well and love spending time with each other we both agree we could never have a real relationship together.

Part of why we get along so well is that we don't have all the baggage that being married has. At the start of our affair I could have seen myself leaving my DH for him but realized things would never be the same with him.

We make the most of our time together and thats where it ends.

PP who left for AP......BUT what if your DH finds out? You need to divorce or end it. Don’t live with the guilt I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So much drama on this thread. Just be glad you don’t coexist with murderers and child molesters. A lot of people don’t care if the “stigma” of an affair follows them. It’s not shocking anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The stigma will follow you FOREVER, and it's is a million times worse for the female. Everyone in his family will always, always think if you as the honewrecking whore, even if they didn't like his ex. If there are kids involved, you are pretty much guaranteeing they will hate you and make your life miserable. You might be happy for a hot minute, but the stigma takes a toll. Trust me, I've been there.

Hahaha well deserved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Do you have a link for this statistic? I have heard these type statistics over the years, but IRL, most of the people I know who married their APs are still married (for now?)...

Maybe it is a socioeconomic thing? I'd be curious to see the breakout by economic demographic. I live in an upper-class area and these second marriages are prenuped to the hilt, but do seem to stick.

Maybe this stat includes trailer parks and lower middle class situations?

Lol.... clearly rich people are better at love, right? Google is your friend.

The reason marriages to affairs don’t work out has nothing to do with money and everything to do with the foundation of their relationship... which is based in a very selfish endorphin-driven obsession. Both people know the other is capable of lying to their spouse... not just little lies, but complex manipulation that takes serious both know that they sacrificed a lot, so the pressure for it to be worth it is high. Affairs thrive in secrecy, but once they are out in th expensive they are less exciting. Also, once they no longer have any “obstacles” to being together, it looses the lure of feeling forbidden, and they have to find something to talk about other than how awful their existing marriages were (to justify the behavior they both know is heinous).

Then... if there are kids, imagine how your type A dominant male affair partner might appear when he’s trying to parent your teenagers. Your teenagers who HATE him for what he did. Or when the older kids in the blended family tell the younger ones that their mommy is a whore who fu@ks married men. Suddenly it’s not as exciting anymore when your affair partner doesn’t correct his kids when they are messing with yours. Because he feels guilty and he knows they are right... you are a whore.

The glue that held an affair together doesn’t last in real life when you have to deal with real shit... and they fail because NEITHER OF THEM KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH ACTUAL STRESS IN MARRIAGE because they both deal with it by finding someone else to vent to about their shitty spouse. They both choose to turn away from their spouse and into the arms of another when the going gets tough.

That’s why marriages to affair partners fail. Not money.

NP. You're so busy tying out a rant that you're missing the point. No one is disagreeing with you. However, I think it is possible that wealth - easy lifestyle, vacations, lack of financial stress - acts as a quasi-glue for wealthy second marriages to APs. I know about a half dozen that are still married and appear happy. Some might be happy, some might not be happy. Wealthy and educated people get divorced in lower numbers in general - first marriage or not. I suspect that wealthy people are better equipped to make their second marriages work, even if their happiness is questionable.

[Anonymous]

Money does not prevent adultery.
Money does not fix emotional issues.

In fact... Money can make it worse.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.cnbc.com/amp/2018/10/10/being-rich-may-increase-your-odds-of-divorce.html

[Anonymous]

What about divorcing first, then getting with marrying potential AP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My AP and I have been seeing each other off and on for alost 5 years. Even though we get slong so well and love spending time with each other we both agree we could never have a real relationship together.

Part of why we get along so well is that we don't have all the baggage that being married has. At the start of our affair I could have seen myself leaving my DH for him but realized things would never be the same with him.

We make the most of our time together and thats where it ends.

I didn't write this but that is exactly where I am with my AP as well. 5 yrs. Love him. But without the marriage baggage.