Pansexual 8th Grader

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How are you getting from that exchange that she’s discussing Valentine’s Day plans?

Here's the OP:

OP here. I'm not sure about what type of influence, just it was so odd for this girl to blurt out (in front of me) while talking to my DD and their other friend that she is a pansexual and all her Valentine's dating plans are "wide open."

Right. So, how are you getting from that that she's discussing Valentine's Day plans?

See the bolded, above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How are you getting from that exchange that she’s discussing Valentine’s Day plans?

Here's the OP:

OP here. I'm not sure about what type of influence, just it was so odd for this girl to blurt out (in front of me) while talking to my DD and their other friend that she is a pansexual and all her Valentine's dating plans are "wide open."

Right. So, how are you getting from that that she's discussing Valentine's Day plans?

See the bolded, above.

So, you're intentionally missing the point. There are no plans being discussed. As anyone with a 13 year old knows, this was an opportunity to, as OP describes it, blurt out she's identifying as pansexual. By intentionally ignoring this detail, you are trying to make anyone who notices this detail seem like a bigot of some kind. You're welcome to think that. There are things you discuss in front of your peers that you don't discuss in front of other people. If I were the mom in the car, I wouldn't discuss my sexual preferences. Why? Because it's inappropriate. If I have to tell you why, then that would be truly disturbing. There is a time and place. On a job interview, you wouldn't discuss your sexual preferences. Do I need to tell you why? So, if the scenario that OP presents seems totally acceptable to you...great. I understand what OP is saying, even if you are pretending not to.

[Anonymous]

OP, the whole goal of parenting a kid of this age is to have kids be comfortable enough around you that they talk as if you are not there. Car pools are great for hearing what they really talk about, if you learn to keep your mouth shut and not judge what they are saying to each other.
Also, for some reason, many adults immediately jump to the conclusion that people are talking about their sex lives when they talk about their orientation. This kid isn't talking about who she has sex with. Probably not even who she wants to have sex with. she is talking about who she likes. Why is that inappropriate? If you mention going away for the weekend with your husband, are you oversharing about your sex life? No, and most normal people wouldn't jump to the conclusion that you were discussing anything inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I have kid in high school and it seemed like a zillion kids in my kid’s Catholic school middle school were gay, pan, bi, trans, etc. They are kids figuring out who they are and they have a lot more freedom and acceptance to be whatever than many of us did. I smiled and ignored a lot of it. I encourage you to nod and smile. If the girl wants attention, let her seek it. You certainly don’t have to give it and if you express dislike, disapproval, etc., your son may feel the need to defend his friend to you.

Oh, dear. I was hoping that my sending my DD to Catholic school that we would avoid this mess. Is your kid's Catholic school rather progressive overall?

DP. Why? Don't middle-schoolers in Catholic school go through figuring out who they are?

You are really in some kind of bubble. Sorry to say but true. Kids live on essentially global platforms with social media now, the narrow confines of their school, while still a primary influence is just not the end all and be all of their exposure and outlet for expression any longer. Not even close.

I went to Catholic middle school and I never wondered if I was pansexual. I guess I was hoping that Catholic school kids wouldn't have all of these choices in their faces all of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's seeking attention. It's another, more trendy, way of saying bisexual. Bisexual covers all the necessary bases.

Not entirely accurate. Pansexuality is considered a more inclusive term than bisexuality, and indicates openness to those who do not identify with a gender binary (trans, intersex, etc). Some pansexuals also use the term to indicate openness toward polyamory/non-monogamy.

Omg enough

[Anonymous]

Can we please rewind back a few decades?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can we please rewind back a few decades?

You mean back to when marriage equality didn’t exist, discrimination against the LGBT community wasn’t illegal anywhere, and being closeted was more the norm than the exception?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it's trendy. But it's not a big deal. What type of influence are you concerned about this having on your child?

This can't be a serious question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can we please rewind back a few decades?

You mean back to when marriage equality didn’t exist, discrimination against the LGBT community wasn’t illegal anywhere, and being closeted was more the norm than the exception?

Yep, that’s the time. I’ll take it.

[Anonymous]

Eh, sounds like the 13 year old likes being dramatic.

[Anonymous]

My daughter, who has been in 'elite' schools with religious affiliations in DC as well as a different state and is now in public school out of state, knows kids who identify as bi, trans, pan, 'straight,' cisgender, non-binary...accepts all, is accepted, and has learned far, far more about tolerance and understanding and "fluidity" than I could ever hope to have taught her...and the key here is she discusses all of this with me, including her questions, her reactions, her own feelings, and more.

My daughter also grapples with some significant brain health issues and also has ADHD in addition to being 'on the spectrum.' We've given her coaching; she's got phenomenal therapists and treating MD's; and she's still learning audience awareness and impulse control (as are most 7th and 8th graders, I'd argue). She wouldn't discuss her own orientation with another parent, but she would almost definitely discuss it with other kids her age, as they do with her. In other words, while part of what you're describing strikes me as way out of school, so to speak, part of it also strikes me as very normal for this age and *in* this age (2019).

Which leads me to this: to OP and other posters who are concerned about the pansexual 8th grader's influence, drama tendencies, narcissism, etc.,.: please, please, please don't try to tell your DC not to be friends with this girl. It could backfire, possibly majorly, no matter how good of a kid you're raising. The fact of the matter is that gender, gender fluidity, sexual orientation, desires, etc., are common topics among kids this age, as is curiosity about these issues. What's more, your own child may or may not be struggling with identity questions of their own...and if they feel or sense that you are not open to discussion or friendships -- no matter how much you stress that it's the child's 'drama' you're resisting not their 'sense of self' -- your child could be in for dire, dire times and the most profound loneliness and shame imaginable, if she feels she might be rejected by you. I'm not saying you WOULD reject her; I'm saying she may project this. Heartbreakingly, we know, statistically, that many of the young people and young adults who self-harm and attempt (and succeed at) suicide are swirling in questions and confusion about their identity ... and the issues you raise can be at the heart of this.

As a parent, I'm sure you're wanting to encourage open and honest dialogue with your child. As the mom of a child who's both struggled and found a way to succeed at being a friend as well as being a friend to herself (which is ultimately the most important facet of all), I've had to hold my tongue at times, at least until I've figured out the best way to approach the hard dialogues (for instance, what's leading a friend to be 'dramatic' in the first place; when/where might narration be unreliable; how do her comments make you feel; etc.).

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can we please rewind back a few decades?

You mean back to when marriage equality didn’t exist, discrimination against the LGBT community wasn’t illegal anywhere, and being closeted was more the norm than the exception?

Yep, that’s the time. I’ll take it.

You’re not a nice person. I’d rather have the lgbt community out and proud and safe than to have you happy at their suffering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of my DD's best friends (female) just announced that she is a pansexual. The friend has displayed a lot of narcissistic/dramatic tendencies in the past, but I am at a loss for this recent sexual-orientation announcement. I am trying to understand this sexual orientation and read this thread on a 6th grade pansexual student:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/679191.page


Not sure what I am asking, but my DD is a bit impressionable and I worry about this other child's influence on her regarding this issue. Is pansexuality kind of "trendy" right now? I am open-minded to young adults embracing their sexuality, but I have honestly never encountered anyone of this orientation.

The girl had a troubled childhood. Sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter, who has been in 'elite' schools with religious affiliations in DC as well as a different state and is now in public school out of state, knows kids who identify as bi, trans, pan, 'straight,' cisgender, non-binary...accepts all, is accepted, and has learned far, far more about tolerance and understanding and "fluidity" than I could ever hope to have taught her...and the key here is she discusses all of this with me, including her questions, her reactions, her own feelings, and more.

My daughter also grapples with some significant brain health issues and also has ADHD in addition to being 'on the spectrum.' We've given her coaching; she's got phenomenal therapists and treating MD's; and she's still learning audience awareness and impulse control (as are most 7th and 8th graders, I'd argue). She wouldn't discuss her own orientation with another parent, but she would almost definitely discuss it with other kids her age, as they do with her. In other words, while part of what you're describing strikes me as way out of school, so to speak, part of it also strikes me as very normal for this age and *in* this age (2019).

Which leads me to this: to OP and other posters who are concerned about the pansexual 8th grader's influence, drama tendencies, narcissism, etc.,.: please, please, please don't try to tell your DC not to be friends with this girl. It could backfire, possibly majorly, no matter how good of a kid you're raising. The fact of the matter is that gender, gender fluidity, sexual orientation, desires, etc., are common topics among kids this age, as is curiosity about these issues. What's more, your own child may or may not be struggling with identity questions of their own...and if they feel or sense that you are not open to discussion or friendships -- no matter how much you stress that it's the child's 'drama' you're resisting not their 'sense of self' -- your child could be in for dire, dire times and the most profound loneliness and shame imaginable, if she feels she might be rejected by you. I'm not saying you WOULD reject her; I'm saying she may project this. Heartbreakingly, we know, statistically, that many of the young people and young adults who self-harm and attempt (and succeed at) suicide are swirling in questions and confusion about their identity ... and the issues you raise can be at the heart of this.

As a parent, I'm sure you're wanting to encourage open and honest dialogue with your child. As the mom of a child who's both struggled and found a way to succeed at being a friend as well as being a friend to herself (which is ultimately the most important facet of all), I've had to hold my tongue at times, at least until I've figured out the best way to approach the hard dialogues (for instance, what's leading a friend to be 'dramatic' in the first place; when/where might narration be unreliable; how do her comments make you feel; etc.).

Good luck.

Thank you for this -- thoughtful and thought-provoking!

[Anonymous]

OMG. As if adolescence weren't hard enough already.