My husband ignores my safety

[Anonymous]

Maybe stop being such a klutz.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My head was inside the chest because I was looking for a toy at the bottom, but the issue is his indifference, which is very wearing. He's just one of those people who never thinks of others. He prepares food and drinks for himself without ever offering to do so for me or the kids, spends lavishly on himself while I save and ignores special occasions. I can't even get him to maintain the cars. I guess I can only blame myself for having a family with this jerk.

+1

OP, at least you see the problem. I hope you are strong enough to find what is right for you and your children. Being with someone like this is exhausting.

I am also married to someone like this. And for those of you who wonder why I married him - well, he put on a show for quite a few years. It wasn't until we were married and had kids that his indifference has really come to light.

+1. Sometimes their true character doesn’t come to light until after they get pregnant. My friend’s ex was the most attentive, adoring bf and husband until she got pregnant and he turned cold and critical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The lid of a heavy wooden blanket chest knocked me on the head with him in the next room today. I was nearly knocked out. The kids ran to get him but he admitted he heard the bang and heard me cry out. He didn't say why he didn't respond. I'm not a drama queen but this has happened before, once when I broke my arm. He just ignores any distress. He also dropped me off at the house after our kids were born and went to the office. This was after one night in the hospital, both times. How to address?

Soak him in the property settlement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he have Asperger's?

Just stop.

Why? It is a common trait or people with Aspergers not to have empathy for others. If he doesn't have it, obviously he is just a selfish ass, but we need to know the context.

I have a daughter with autism and she is the first person to run in whenever she hears a bump or cry. They are quite sensitive and, if raised appropriately, try very hard to be helpful and do the right thing.

That is great (no snark) but my ex has Aspergers and acts just like OP's husband. He made me take food off my plate 4 days after having a c-section because "that was for his lunch tomorrow."

Is being selfish and self centered part of Asperger's (not being facetious, genuinely wondering)?

Please start another thread in the Special Needs forum. You are hijacking this thread.

Actually, no we are not. If this is the case with OP's husband it is quite on point, don't you think?

[Anonymous]

You sound dramatic.

I broke two ribs one morning in a horse accident and my DH didn’t react. We went to a brunch an hour later. I was in a lot of pain and finally said I had to leave. He was surprised. He was less surprised when I went to immediate care the next day and got Xrays.

Is he bad and uncaring? Of course not, it was up to me to explain, in words, what I felt and needed from him. Any old “distress” could be a stubbed toe or hit funny bone. What do you want, him to rush in and sob over your pump knot?

[Anonymous]

Tell him to get his a$$ over and help you! And then say thank you so much.
Geez speak up lady!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound dramatic.

I broke two ribs one morning in a horse accident and my DH didn’t react. We went to a brunch an hour later. I was in a lot of pain and finally said I had to leave. He was surprised. He was less surprised when I went to immediate care the next day and got Xrays.

Is he bad and uncaring? Of course not, it was up to me to explain, in words, what I felt and needed from him. Any old “distress” could be a stubbed toe or hit funny bone. What do you want, him to rush in and sob over your pump knot?

Why can't she just want him to say, "Hey, honey, are you okay?" I mean, that seems like the absolute minimum. If I heard a loud bang and someone cry out in pain in the office next to mine, I would, at least, call out, "Hey, coworker, you alright?" Like, who are these people who simply do not acknowledge stuff like this? If OP was complaining that her husband didn't make a huge fuss and bring her breakfast in bed because she bumped her head, okay, fine, she's too dramatic. But thinking that someone you live with should care, at least a little, about your physical well-being doesn't seem so unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound dramatic.

I broke two ribs one morning in a horse accident and my DH didn’t react. We went to a brunch an hour later. I was in a lot of pain and finally said I had to leave. He was surprised. He was less surprised when I went to immediate care the next day and got Xrays.

Is he bad and uncaring? Of course not, it was up to me to explain, in words, what I felt and needed from him. Any old “distress” could be a stubbed toe or hit funny bone. What do you want, him to rush in and sob over your pump knot?

Why can't she just want him to say, "Hey, honey, are you okay?" I mean, that seems like the absolute minimum. If I heard a loud bang and someone cry out in pain in the office next to mine, I would, at least, call out, "Hey, coworker, you alright?" Like, who are these people who simply do not acknowledge stuff like this? If OP was complaining that her husband didn't make a huge fuss and bring her breakfast in bed because she bumped her head, okay, fine, she's too dramatic. But thinking that someone you live with should care, at least a little, about your physical well-being doesn't seem so unreasonable.

Meh. Some of us don't want people running to check on us every time we get a boo-boo or drop something. If I need you, I'll call you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound dramatic.

I broke two ribs one morning in a horse accident and my DH didn’t react. We went to a brunch an hour later. I was in a lot of pain and finally said I had to leave. He was surprised. He was less surprised when I went to immediate care the next day and got Xrays.

Is he bad and uncaring? Of course not, it was up to me to explain, in words, what I felt and needed from him. Any old “distress” could be a stubbed toe or hit funny bone. What do you want, him to rush in and sob over your pump knot?

Why can't she just want him to say, "Hey, honey, are you okay?" I mean, that seems like the absolute minimum. If I heard a loud bang and someone cry out in pain in the office next to mine, I would, at least, call out, "Hey, coworker, you alright?" Like, who are these people who simply do not acknowledge stuff like this? If OP was complaining that her husband didn't make a huge fuss and bring her breakfast in bed because she bumped her head, okay, fine, she's too dramatic. But thinking that someone you live with should care, at least a little, about your physical well-being doesn't seem so unreasonable.

+1

Most people care, and show it, unless they hav no feelings, which is unhealthy.

[Anonymous]

Deer in the headlights. Sounds like he freezes. Sounds like other times it's not clear you're hurt. He probably makes a lot of loud noises himself, and even if you come running when he does, he doesn't think it's necessary.

Or he's just not very emotional. Generally thinks life will run smoother with less emotion, so he's conditioned this way. It can have benefits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he have Asperger's?

Just stop.

Why? It is a common trait or people with Aspergers not to have empathy for others. If he doesn't have it, obviously he is just a selfish ass, but we need to know the context.

I have a daughter with autism and she is the first person to run in whenever she hears a bump or cry. They are quite sensitive and, if raised appropriately, try very hard to be helpful and do the right thing.

That is great (no snark) but my ex has Aspergers and acts just like OP's husband. He made me take food off my plate 4 days after having a c-section because "that was for his lunch tomorrow."

Is being selfish and self centered part of Asperger's (not being facetious, genuinely wondering)?

Autism can show up in many different ways. The core symptom is responding differently to social cues. So some people with autism may literally just not understand that you're supposed to help people at certain times. They don't understand the rule; and they don't have the theory of mind to anticipate that the other person might want help. In the PP's example of her daughter, she may react to the distress of others, but not understand the socially appropriate way to react to it. Other people may literally not seem to notice other people. Another symptom may be rigidity. So in the example of the food on the plate - in the DH's mind, he NEEDED those leftovers for his lunch, because he ALWAYS has leftovers for lunch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound dramatic.

I broke two ribs one morning in a horse accident and my DH didn’t react. We went to a brunch an hour later. I was in a lot of pain and finally said I had to leave. He was surprised. He was less surprised when I went to immediate care the next day and got Xrays.

Is he bad and uncaring? Of course not, it was up to me to explain, in words, what I felt and needed from him. Any old “distress” could be a stubbed toe or hit funny bone. What do you want, him to rush in and sob over your pump knot?

Why can't she just want him to say, "Hey, honey, are you okay?" I mean, that seems like the absolute minimum. If I heard a loud bang and someone cry out in pain in the office next to mine, I would, at least, call out, "Hey, coworker, you alright?" Like, who are these people who simply do not acknowledge stuff like this? If OP was complaining that her husband didn't make a huge fuss and bring her breakfast in bed because she bumped her head, okay, fine, she's too dramatic. But thinking that someone you live with should care, at least a little, about your physical well-being doesn't seem so unreasonable.

Meh. Some of us don't want people running to check on us every time we get a boo-boo or drop something. If I need you, I'll call you.

If you hear a loud crash and scream in your house, you don't check it out?

[Anonymous]

Did we ever get an answer to "why was she so stupid as to have her head inside a wooden chest, and then to let it drop on her head?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH is like this. It's a lot to deal with. I don't think he's a sociopath, but I DO think he legitimately has a difference in empathy and being able to "see" other people's distress and respond to it in a way that other people would do. I mean, he loves our son intensely, but he's always been very un-attuned to his physical distress unless it was really obvious. I think it's almost an autism-like feature of his neurology.

If you have any sort of healthy relationship, what you ought to be able to do is expressly teach him how you want to be treated, and he should be able to do it. But you have to be able to voice your needs and spell them out -- he's never going to figure it out on your own.

And if you approach it judgmentally ("you're completely unempathetic, what is wrong with you??") it's not going to work. I mean, anyone who would actually drop off his wife and newborn on the front step and leave the house surely deserves judgment ... but IF you want an OK relationship, you have to just assume that he's acting that way because his brain works differently, not because he knows what the right thing to do is and is deliberatly not doing it.

Serious question, how do you have any sort of healthy relationship with someone who is like this?

well, FAR be it from me to claim that we have a healthy relationship. frankly, we don't. but there are some areas that I have managed to train my DH. for example, I love getting presents for Christmas and my birthday and to celebrate holidays. I literally instruct him about when it's time to get me gifts, plan a nice dinner, etc. Luckily this does not dampen my enthusiasm for the celebration at all! I just love presents

in other areas, I just take responsibility for my own needs. I don't wait for him to volunteer; I just tell him I'm going out and he needs to handle the house.

but yeah, it's wearing, I won't lie. I wish I had framed it as his personality from the get-go -- maybe we would be in a better place if I had just realized earlier on "hey, you're missing the empathy chip, let's discuss exactly what I need you to do on a day-to-day basis."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My head was inside the chest because I was looking for a toy at the bottom, but the issue is his indifference, which is very wearing. He's just one of those people who never thinks of others. He prepares food and drinks for himself without ever offering to do so for me or the kids, spends lavishly on himself while I save and ignores special occasions. I can't even get him to maintain the cars. I guess I can only blame myself for having a family with this jerk.

+1

OP, at least you see the problem. I hope you are strong enough to find what is right for you and your children. Being with someone like this is exhausting.

I am also married to someone like this. And for those of you who wonder why I married him - well, he put on a show for quite a few years. It wasn't until we were married and had kids that his indifference has really come to light.

+100

My H actually told me when I was pregnant with my first that I was not the first or last woman to be pregnant (in response to me being completely unable to keep any food down due to morning sickness the entire 9 months). He hasn’t changed.