My husband ignores my safety
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Anonymous
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The lid of a heavy wooden blanket chest knocked me on the head with him in the next room today. I was nearly knocked out. The kids ran to get him but he admitted he heard the bang and heard me cry out. He didn't say why he didn't respond. I'm not a drama queen but this has happened before, once when I broke my arm. He just ignores any distress. He also dropped me off at the house after our kids were born and went to the office. This was after one night in the hospital, both times. How to address?
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Anonymous
| That's normally the sort of thing you figure out in the dating stage. I don't think you can change him into a caring human being on your own. |
Anonymous
I'm sorry, OP. This is obviously unacceptable and shows a serious lack of engagement and concern for you. I wonder if it's just you or your kids also. So, this should have stopped after you had your first and he tried to just dump you off on your doorstep with your mutual newborn. I would straight up tell him what you've said here, and ask him why he doesn't seem to care about your well being? Let him know you will not accept this behavior any longer. Then don't. Call him on it every single time. If it continues after speaking with him, then you know the lack of engagement is serious. |
Anonymous
+1. Did you really not know this before you married him? People generally don’t just change. |
Anonymous
| Sounds pretty typical. If you need help, yell 'HELP ME!'. If you need him to take time off work, say "I need you to be home on x day, tell (His Job) that you need that time off. You have vacation/sick days and I need you to do X" If he refuses, reconsider the terms of your relationship. |
Anonymous
+1 If your husband consistently doesn't care that you're in pain, I don't know what you can possibly do about that, aside from not marrying him. This is Human Decency 101, and I have no idea what a remedial course in that looks like. |
Anonymous
| Does he have Asperger's? |
Anonymous
Typical? If my husband heard a loud bang and then I cried out, he would call out or come and check. If I broke my arm, he would be sympathetic. This isn't typical unless you married a sociopath. |
Anonymous
| Two possibilities: either he's not very caring or you're a drama queen. Maybe you are a drama queen? I have a relative who is, and is always crying out about "almost being knocked out" or "nearly broke my leg" in minor accidents that anyone else would just shrug off and walk away from. After a while, people don't pay much attention to that sort of hysterics from her anymore. |
Anonymous
Um...he shouldn't need that spelled out for him when OP is one day post partum. |
Anonymous
Listen to this advice, OP. Talk to your DH. Try--it'll be hard, but try--not to sound accusatory but to sound coolly observational: "The blanket chest accident and the reaction made me think about other times and I would like to talk about what I feel I'm seeing as a pattern here, and see how you perceive these same things...." Any chance he was raised in a family where the kids were brought up being told variations on these? "Tough it out; walk it off; don't be a baby; call me when you're actually bleeding" etc.? My grandmother was raised to be very, very enduring and silent about any physical pain or problem and as a result seemed uncaring and cold when as kids we got hurt (as kids do--nothing serious). I realized much later that she was only reacting as she was raised to react. So your DH might be doing what he was brought up to do--a clunk and yell from another room would bring me or you running, but he may be wired to do nothing unless he's called. It is NOT an excuse, though. You do need to talk to him because it is interfering with how you view him and it's making you feel uncared for. Does he react the same way with the kids if they get hurt or just think they need TLC? Is his apparent lack of concern/cluelessness only applicable to things like physical hurt or does he also seem uncaring about positives like when a kid has good news (good grade, fun day with a friend, etc) or if you tell him about your day, relate happy or sad or important news, etc.? If this seems to you like a larger lack of empathy, you and he could consider couples therapy because it bothers you and he may not understand at all why. |
Anonymous
He shouldn't but he does and if OP wants him to change she has to change her behavior too. It sucks but it's better than what she has going on now |
Anonymous
Should or should not, he apparently does. |
Anonymous
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This is the type of guy who doesn't care. Sure he'll call 911 if he has to but he's not that concerned unless it happens to him, or he's really inconvenienced. If something happens to her he'll move right along.
If you get really sick he won't be hoovering over you OP. Maybe invest in long term care if you stay with him. |
Anonymous
There it is! The wonderful but totally useless time machine response.  "Ooooooh, but didn't you know all this before marrying him??? Clearly your fault for marrying such a loser."
STFU. |