My husband ignores my safety
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Anonymous
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My now ex H was also "off" in his behavior about my well-being and that of our child. We had extensive remodeling down on the house that ended up in an ugly lawsuit with the general contractor. For months the GC and his sub-contractors had gone in and out of our house. When we finally kicked them all out and filed the lawsuit, I wanted to change the locks. He refused and said I was silly for being concerned that any of the unnamed men who had been given house access for months might return, and claimed it was too hard to do ourselves and too expensive to pay someone for. In my new house that I bought by myself post-divorce, I've changed all the locks. It's easy and not very expensive.
During the construction when I'd been home alone with our baby in the middle of the afternoon, I saw someone come up the front steps and wander into the unfinished room. I had the large television turned on and lights. There's a large window in front of the house that allows anyone approaching from the front to see that there's activity inside and that the house is not vacant, so they should ring the bell if they have business there. I called the cops to report an intruder. When ex H came home, he was mad at me for getting "that poor guy" into trouble with the police. |
Anonymous
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My DH is like this. It's a lot to deal with. I don't think he's a sociopath, but I DO think he legitimately has a difference in empathy and being able to "see" other people's distress and respond to it in a way that other people would do. I mean, he loves our son intensely, but he's always been very un-attuned to his physical distress unless it was really obvious. I think it's almost an autism-like feature of his neurology.
If you have any sort of healthy relationship, what you ought to be able to do is expressly teach him how you want to be treated, and he should be able to do it. But you have to be able to voice your needs and spell them out -- he's never going to figure it out on your own. And if you approach it judgmentally ("you're completely unempathetic, what is wrong with you??") it's not going to work. I mean, anyone who would actually drop off his wife and newborn on the front step and leave the house surely deserves judgment ... but IF you want an OK relationship, you have to just assume that he's acting that way because his brain works differently, not because he knows what the right thing to do is and is deliberatly not doing it. |
Anonymous
| I was raised to be unsympathetic to things like this. I don't seek sympathy or give any to myself either. Like another poster said, yell help if you need help. I wouldn't expect my husband to come running because I bumped my head and made a noise. If I was hurt (broke my arm) and needed help I'd ask for help. |
Anonymous
Just stop. |
Anonymous
How sad. Are you raising your children to be as insensitive to the needs of others? |
Anonymous
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The front doorknob on our house jammed once and it was impossible to open - either in or out. I was out somewhere and my ex was home. He didn't even think to call or text and say, "Hey by the way, the front doorknob is busted so you won't be able to get in the house that way," let alone do anything at all about fixing it. I called him from our front porch confused as to why the door would not open.
He was inconsiderate about a lot of things, this just being one example. Is your husband considerate about most things? Is this just one off stuff? |
Anonymous
Yes, it's working out great. The kids aren't needy attention seeking humans that are intolerant to any type of discomfort. |
Anonymous
| DH’s BIL was like this and it just escalated from there. It’s a huge red flag and I hope you (and your children) can get out of this marriage mentally and physically intact. |
Anonymous
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What were you doing with your head inside a blanket chest? And why didn't you have your hand on the lid so it wouldn't bang down?
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Anonymous
Invest in a lawyer instead. This man will suck the life out of you the longer you stay with him. |
Anonymous
+1 Is DH on the spectrum OP? I am not being facetious, I am saying that he is unable to feel empathy/sympathy. My DH is like this, and his whole family tends to be the same. They are also lazy, and their behaviors play into "what they get away with". It is a combination of nature and nurture. In my DH's case, one parent was never home, and one parent is (I don't know how to put this lightly) an idiot (part of the reason the other parent was never home, they just could not take it anymore). I am the poster of the DH that does the stupidest thing possible when in a tight situation (about a week or so ago). One example I used was we were watching the basement step in a downpour, the water was about three feet high, the door was the only thing keeping our basement from flooding, and what does DH do? Open the door to single handedly flood the basement, of course. Oh, and BTW, idiocy is not covered by insurance, if you are wondering. Then, you get to hear him complain about money all the time, when he is the single biggest liability in the house. Good times. Part of this behavior is not noticing or caring how other people feel. When there is a small emergency, chaos ensues - never, ever order. Ever. I come from a family that values common sense very, very, very highly - so to say this is a challenge is an understatement. In my DH's case, everyone around him, in his house, for over twenty years of his life, behaved this way - so to him, that is normal. You have to tell him otherwise. There are good days and bad days, because in the case of my DH, there is a tremendously high amount of anxiety and depression in his family, combined with some behavior disorders (throw in passive aggressive and spite and it is at least as bad as you think). In my case, my DH won't seek help - his family doesn't talk much, and would rather die than talk about what happened in their household, so getting professional help is off the table. You can see what you can do for you, to get through this. Or not. It is extremely difficult, and people on the outside have no idea. DH could come across as the nicest guy in the world - but living with him is a whole different story. Honestly, I motor through and try to support DH, because he would not acknowledge the glaringly obvious issues and obstacles anyway. If he married anyone else, he would be in extremely tough shape right now..... I am not suggesting anyone else try to do what I do. It is a LOT of work, every single day. |
Anonymous
| This is my husband too. Just commisterating. |
Anonymous
+1000. My sister’s husband never remembered her birthday, Mother’s Day or their anniversary. She did most of the household and child responsibilities while he took care of himself. It just gets worse over time. |
Anonymous
There are so many "my husband sucks" type posts on DCUM it really makes me wonder why so many intelligent, well-educated women suck at choosing husbands. Maybe we need to go back to the "dad picks your husband for you" model. |
"Ooooooh, but didn't you know all this before marrying him??? Clearly your fault for marrying such a loser."
Anonymous
| Your husband is sick of you being a klutz. |