Wife wants another child; I do not

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to mention is seems your wife already compromised to two from having agreed on a big family.

When we agreed to have a big family BEFORE the marriage, we didn't know she had problems. Her fertility problems drained me and it's one of the reasons why I don't want anymore. She should accept that she has fertility problems and needs to compromise now. She says she's compromising with me because she went from wanting a big family to only having two kids. Again, why can't she just be thankful for what she has now?

Why can’t you be grateful that you can still have another child?

Come on OP. You’re basically trying to shame her for having the same values she told you she always had. You’re the one who pulled the bait and switch.

So it's ok for her to hurt me because I changed my mind? It's ok for her to hurt our son by breaking up our family?

She needs to leave you. Like yesterday. Holy cow. You are a piece of work.

[Anonymous]

Surely OP is a troll? No one can be this dense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to mention is seems your wife already compromised to two from having agreed on a big family.

When we agreed to have a big family BEFORE the marriage, we didn't know she had problems. Her fertility problems drained me and it's one of the reasons why I don't want anymore. She should accept that she has fertility problems and needs to compromise now. She says she's compromising with me because she went from wanting a big family to only having two kids. Again, why can't she just be thankful for what she has now?

OP, you really need to slow down. Your wife is not ungrateful for the child she has. She is (in my opinion understandably) disappointed in the HUSBAND she has.

Fertility issues are very hard on couples, but arguably, they are harder on the person actually experiencing them. Many women have a lot of their identity really tied up in their ability to have children, for better or worse. I have had 3 miscarriages and it really felt like my body was broken and couldn't do what it was supposed to do. I knew, rationally, that that was not true, but that was how I felt. Your wife does not need to "accept that she has fertility problems and needs to compromise." That is a really heartless thing to say. She is willing to go through a process that is excruciating both physically and emotionally, which should tell you a lot about how important this is to her.

she must be ungrateful if she's going to leave the marriage and break up our family over this. I'm hurting

You need to give your wife a break, OP.

She's facing the difficulty of a terrible choice:

1. Divorce and having to raise her child in a broken home, or

2. Face a lifetime being married to a self-victimizing, passive-aggressive, selfish liar like yourself.

I feel for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Shouldn't it be more important for her to have ONE child than none at all? She's fortunate to have one. Why do we have to go thru this and break up our family?

Because your wife is married to a manipulative liar?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your wife probably feels like you lied to her, repeatedly. Which, to be frank, you kind of did. You knew you didn't want another child, but on several occasions, you led her to believe that you were willing to have a second. I'm glad that you have finally sorted out your own feelings, but if your wife is not able to get over it, you kind of made your own bed there.

I don't think I lied. I was just content when our son was born and as time went on, my desire to have another child went to zero. Is having another child REALLY this important? Why not just move on and keep our family together? We have a good life.

You lied by omission. About a really really important thing. It’s obviously important enough for to your wife to end the marriage. You don’t get to decide whether it’s important to her.
You seem to not listen and just keep repeating the same thing. That might be part of the problem.

But she knew I was content! I was ok with the one child we had. Tell me why she NEEDS another child? I asked her if she would rather have the one child we have or no children at all. It seems like she's not thankful for what she has.

Wow, you are really intent on being right here, rather than saving your marriage? Good luck with that.

But the same can be said for her. She seems really intent on this rather than saving her marriage to me. Ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Surely OP is a troll? No one can be this dense.

I wish it was fake, but it's real. I'm about to lose my marriage over this. It's absurd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surely OP is a troll? No one can be this dense.

I wish it was fake, but it's real. I'm about to lose my marriage over this. It's absurd.

Your behavior is what is absurd. If you lose your marriage it will be your own fault. Stop whining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to mention is seems your wife already compromised to two from having agreed on a big family.

When we agreed to have a big family BEFORE the marriage, we didn't know she had problems. Her fertility problems drained me and it's one of the reasons why I don't want anymore. She should accept that she has fertility problems and needs to compromise now. She says she's compromising with me because she went from wanting a big family to only having two kids. Again, why can't she just be thankful for what she has now?

since you are using her fertility issues against her, what exactly was the deal? Did you do IVF? How many times? how was her pregnancy? how many weeks was the baby when born?

Bc for my first, I struggled a lot. Then I got pregnant on my own for the 2nd

I'm not using her fertility issues against her, just saying that because we didn't know beforehand that she has issues, we can't have the same expectations for how many children we're going to have. I guess if she didn't have issues, we would have had that big family we initially wanted.

We did do IVF twice to get our son. She had the baby about a month early. That was hard on me too and another reason why I don't want to do it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to mention is seems your wife already compromised to two from having agreed on a big family.

When we agreed to have a big family BEFORE the marriage, we didn't know she had problems. Her fertility problems drained me and it's one of the reasons why I don't want anymore. She should accept that she has fertility problems and needs to compromise now. She says she's compromising with me because she went from wanting a big family to only having two kids. Again, why can't she just be thankful for what she has now?

Why can’t you be grateful that you can still have another child?

Come on OP. You’re basically trying to shame her for having the same values she told you she always had. You’re the one who pulled the bait and switch.

So it's ok for her to hurt me because I changed my mind? It's ok for her to hurt our son by breaking up our family?

You seem to think it’s okay to hurt her.

Listen, you do not have the moral high ground in this. Not even a little. The more you try to pivot away from your betrayal and guilt her with arguments about “hurting your son” the worse you look. Do you even like your wife? I ask because your posts show almost no regard for her feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she didn't have fertility issues, this would not be a issue because it's not like I've done anything to prevent her getting pregnant naturally. But we also know that while the chances aren't zero, they're low. If it just "happened" naturally, I would just accept it and be a great dad to another baby like I have been to the one we already have.

There is a reason why OP keep avoiding the elephant in the room - which is that he should have told his wife his views early[b] and given her the choice to stay or leave on her own terms.

She feels betrayed by you, OP, and rightfully so. People divorce over lying and betrayals everyday. If you two got fertility treatments today and failed to have another baby, she wouldn't leave you over it - it's not about her desire to have the baby, it's your dishonesty and utter selfishness.

I accept the blame for that. I should have told her but I just....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she didn't have fertility issues, this would not be a issue because it's not like I've done anything to prevent her getting pregnant naturally. But we also know that while the chances aren't zero, they're low. If it just "happened" naturally, I would just accept it and be a great dad to another baby like I have been to the one we already have.

There is a reason why OP keep avoiding the elephant in the room - which is that he should have told his wife his views early[b] and given her the choice to stay or leave on her own terms.

She feels betrayed by you, OP, and rightfully so. People divorce over lying and betrayals everyday. If you two got fertility treatments today and failed to have another baby, she wouldn't leave you over it - it's not about her desire to have the baby, it's your dishonesty and utter selfishness.

I accept the blame for that. I should have told her but I just....

You just were a coward and hoped that she would be UNABLE TO HAVE A CHILD so that you wouldn't have to be honest about your feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surely OP is a troll? No one can be this dense.

I wish it was fake, but it's real. I'm about to lose my marriage over this. It's absurd.

You are justified in not wanting another child, she is justified in choosing not to stay with you because of it. It's a tough situation but neither of you is more "correct" in your feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your wife probably feels like you lied to her, repeatedly. Which, to be frank, you kind of did. You knew you didn't want another child, but on several occasions, you led her to believe that you were willing to have a second. I'm glad that you have finally sorted out your own feelings, but if your wife is not able to get over it, you kind of made your own bed there.

I don't think I lied. I was just content when our son was born and as time went on, my desire to have another child went to zero. Is having another child REALLY this important? Why not just move on and keep our family together? We have a good life.

You lied by omission. About a really really important thing. It’s obviously important enough for to your wife to end the marriage. You don’t get to decide whether it’s important to her.
You seem to not listen and just keep repeating the same thing. That might be part of the problem.

But she knew I was content! I was ok with the one child we had. Tell me why she NEEDS another child? I asked her if she would rather have the one child we have or no children at all. It seems like she's not thankful for what she has.

Wow, you are really intent on being right here, rather than saving your marriage? Good luck with that.

But the same can be said for her. She seems really intent on this rather than saving her marriage to me. Ridiculous.

You do not get it. You’re intent on framing your betrayal as being for the good of your family. She doesn’t want to be married to a dishonest man. Your response is that the lies got you what you wanted so why is she angry? She says she doesn’t want to be betrayed by her husband. You try to use her fertility struggles and even your son against her! Basically everything you do just shows that you have no moral compass and you’re surprised she’s talking about divorce???

[Anonymous]

All I'm hearing from OP is me, me, me, me, me......
Looks like his wife already has 2 kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to mention is seems your wife already compromised to two from having agreed on a big family.

When we agreed to have a big family BEFORE the marriage, we didn't know she had problems. Her fertility problems drained me and it's one of the reasons why I don't want anymore. She should accept that she has fertility problems and needs to compromise now. She says she's compromising with me because she went from wanting a big family to only having two kids. Again, why can't she just be thankful for what she has now?

OP, you really need to slow down. Your wife is not ungrateful for the child she has. She is (in my opinion understandably) disappointed in the HUSBAND she has.

Fertility issues are very hard on couples, but arguably, they are harder on the person actually experiencing them. Many women have a lot of their identity really tied up in their ability to have children, for better or worse. I have had 3 miscarriages and it really felt like my body was broken and couldn't do what it was supposed to do. I knew, rationally, that that was not true, but that was how I felt. Your wife does not need to "accept that she has fertility problems and needs to compromise." That is a really heartless thing to say. She is willing to go through a process that is excruciating both physically and emotionally, which should tell you a lot about how important this is to her.

she must be ungrateful if she's going to leave the marriage and break up our family over this. I'm hurting

You need to give your wife a break, OP.

She's facing the difficulty of a terrible choice:

1. Divorce and having to raise her child in a broken home, or

2. Face a lifetime being married to a self-victimizing, passive-aggressive, selfish liar like yourself.

I feel for her.

So how can I fix it? Let's say I give in and agree to have another one. She would want to talk about the process and I honestly wouldn't want to because I just don't want to do it. If I go thru with it, I just can't be happy about the process to get the kid. I would be a good dad to the baby because it's my responsibility and of course I would love the baby but I'm ok with our life just the way it is now.