Issue with blended family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you must know that anonymity on DCUM is rare. Again, I am a stepmom. I’m not anti-stepmom. But you are extraordinarily selfish. Of course DH’s family is hostile to you! You are hurting his kids and your kids are strangers! And it seems like you may well have had a big part in breaking up his marriage.

Why in earth should your stepkids have had to switch schools just because YOU wanted to get married?!!! And now you think that they need therapy it’s all of you? Seriously, every word you write reveals an astonishing level of self-centered ness.

This. OP, you are being so selfish! That's not an adequate reason for the children to change schools. No wonder they hate you. After they've already been through a divorce and too-early remarriage and have to share their father and get way less time with them, you want them to give up their school and their friends as well? My god. This is not going to work out and you are going to end up divorced because of your selfishness.

You have FIVE children. You chose a household with FIVE CHILDREN. Parents of five children do not get a week off every other week. It isn't realistic, it's selfish, and you're putting the burdens of your choices on innocent children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'm selfish at all. I've taken the high road this entire time. DH's family is barely civil to me, yet I grit my teeth and deal. His parents barely acknowledge my children, but lavish his kids with presents over the holidays. I've not said a single word about this unfairness, and have never said a negative word about their mother.

I have taken on board the suggestions about letting go of expecting his kids do too much with my younger ones. I can see how that might not be appealing to them.

Why should they be more than barely civil? They are good to their grandkids because they know they had nothing to do with you and your husband’s horrible decisions. All they know is what you’ve shown of your character- you were the AP turned wife. You’re lucky that they even acknowledge you so soon after such selfish actions from the two of you. Good god woman - have you not done this enough in upending these kids lives? You got the man - now you want the kids and in-laws to fall in line? Wow. Really - take a good look at yourself. Do what you can to make things better...what you’re doing now is not it.

You may not speak rudely to them in person, but you have selfishly caused great upheaval in the lives of the children and you are continuing to do so. Your choices have negative consequences for the children and you can't expect others who care about their well-being to be happy with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'm selfish at all. I've taken the high road this entire time. DH's family is barely civil to me, yet I grit my teeth and deal. His parents barely acknowledge my children, but lavish his kids with presents over the holidays. I've not said a single word about this unfairness, and have never said a negative word about their mother.

I have taken on board the suggestions about letting go of expecting his kids do too much with my younger ones. I can see how that might not be appealing to them.

You've been married less than a year, so you are talking about a grand total of one Christmas season as a blended family for your new in laws to adjust to additional step-grandkids. And of course they are going to "lavish" their grandkids with presents. A lot of loving grandparents do. You may come from a family with more moderation about holiday gift giving, but it doesn't make their way of doing things wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you must know that anonymity on DCUM is rare. Again, I am a stepmom. I’m not anti-stepmom. But you are extraordinarily selfish. Of course DH’s family is hostile to you! You are hurting his kids and your kids are strangers! And it seems like you may well have had a big part in breaking up his marriage.

Why in earth should your stepkids have had to switch schools just because YOU wanted to get married?!!! And now you think that they need therapy it’s all of you? Seriously, every word you write reveals an astonishing level of self-centered ness.

This. OP, you are being so selfish! That's not an adequate reason for the children to change schools. No wonder they hate you. After they've already been through a divorce and too-early remarriage and have to share their father and get way less time with them, you want them to give up their school and their friends as well? My god. This is not going to work out and you are going to end up divorced because of your selfishness.

You have FIVE children. You chose a household with FIVE CHILDREN. Parents of five children do not get a week off every other week. It isn't realistic, it's selfish, and you're putting the burdens of your choices on innocent children.

A big +1 to this. No healthy family of five kids elevates the marriage above the children to this extent.

[Anonymous]

I was not a long time family friend. Any play dates our kids had were part of much larger groups, so it isn't like they used to know me as a neighbor who is now their mom. At most, they remember me as someone their dad works with.

I have been to therapy related to my own divorce and I know it's best not to share adult information with kids. The kids have no business knowing about the sex lives of their parents. There are two sides to every story, and I'm honestly just trying to protect my kids from having their step brother from spew whatever version of the truth his mother has planted in his head. This isn't about me.
This is about protecting three young children from being exposed to misleading, inappropriate, and one-sided information that they are way too young to understand and process.

Take your feelings for me out of this scenario and please focus on how I can prevent the dysfunction that the step kids are dealing with from spreading to my kids. Mine are adjusting well and have accepted the divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was not a long time family friend. Any play dates our kids had were part of much larger groups, so it isn't like they used to know me as a neighbor who is now their mom. At most, they remember me as someone their dad works with.

I have been to therapy related to my own divorce and I know it's best not to share adult information with kids. The kids have no business knowing about the sex lives of their parents. There are two sides to every story, and I'm honestly just trying to protect my kids from having their step brother from spew whatever version of the truth his mother has planted in his head. This isn't about me.
This is about protecting three young children from being exposed to misleading, inappropriate, and one-sided information that they are way too young to understand and process.

Take your feelings for me out of this scenario and please focus on how I can prevent the dysfunction that the step kids are dealing with from spreading to my kids. Mine are adjusting well and have accepted the divorce.

I can understand you don’t want your kids to find out you are home-wrecking whore and your DH is a cheating ass. The older kids already know and your kids will learn the truth one day. Own it. Let the truth come out. I am sure you both were unhappy in your marriage, found a spark, etc but what you didn’t have was the moral character to divorce and then seek out a life partner or the consideration of your kids to wait for them to adjust to the divorce before foisting a new step parent and siblings on them. The only thing that would make this worse is if you decide to have a new baby with your new husband.

[Anonymous]

To OP -his kids are at a very tough age to deal with the upheaval of divorce. I hope you have sympathy for that.
I have an 11 year old and a teenager and they are entirely different from when they were young kids. I don’t think you get that because your kids are small.
I do encourage you to make sure the older kids get plenty of alone time with their dad every week. They need it and it will help your blended family in the long run. Encourage your husband to take his kids out for dinner alone every week. They need 100% of his attention focused on them at least some times. He should also plan a special activity with just them every week. Also, like others have said, it would be best to switch your custody schedule so your kids are with you at separate times from when the older kids are with you. I know this advice is contrary to your wishes and expectations but it is important to create a solid foundation for your blended family. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you must know that anonymity on DCUM is rare. Again, I am a stepmom. I’m not anti-stepmom. But you are extraordinarily selfish. Of course DH’s family is hostile to you! You are hurting his kids and your kids are strangers! And it seems like you may well have had a big part in breaking up his marriage.

Why in earth should your stepkids have had to switch schools just because YOU wanted to get married?!!! And now you think that they need therapy it’s all of you? Seriously, every word you write reveals an astonishing level of self-centered ness.

This. OP, you are being so selfish! That's not an adequate reason for the children to change schools. No wonder they hate you. After they've already been through a divorce and too-early remarriage and have to share their father and get way less time with them, you want them to give up their school and their friends as well? My god. This is not going to work out and you are going to end up divorced because of your selfishness.

You have FIVE children. You chose a household with FIVE CHILDREN. Parents of five children do not get a week off every other week. It isn't realistic, it's selfish, and you're putting the burdens of your choices on innocent children.

A big +1 to this. No healthy family of five kids elevates the marriage above the children to this extent.

This. When do the children ever get one-on-one time with their parent? OP, these children have been through a lot. They need the care and attention of their parents. You can have a normal amount of time for your marriage but nobody's going to have any sympathy for you taking a kid-free week every other week. That's just selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was not a long time family friend. Any play dates our kids had were part of much larger groups, so it isn't like they used to know me as a neighbor who is now their mom. At most, they remember me as someone their dad works with.

I have been to therapy related to my own divorce and I know it's best not to share adult information with kids. The kids have no business knowing about the sex lives of their parents. There are two sides to every story, and I'm honestly just trying to protect my kids from having their step brother from spew whatever version of the truth his mother has planted in his head. This isn't about me.
This is about protecting three young children from being exposed to misleading, inappropriate, and one-sided information that they are way too young to understand and process.

Take your feelings for me out of this scenario and please focus on how I can prevent the dysfunction that the step kids are dealing with from spreading to my kids. Mine are adjusting well and have accepted the divorce.

Wow, are you lucky I wasn't that 12 yo. I was fairly perceptive, and smarter than was good for me. I'd have ruined you with your kids.

And your popst now reveals that you don;t give a crap about your step kids, you just want to protect yours. Nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your expectations are unreasonable and you're pushing too hard. A year is not much time. It takes five years to blend a family. And it may never really blend. They don't have to like or care about you and your children just because you've married their father. They might never, ever want to have a truly blended family, and trying to force them will backfire.

Tweens are not going to be interested in preschool-level activities. It sounds like you're expecting them to miss out on things that they actually enjoy, for the sake of watching your 4 year olds do something. Why? In an intact family with five children, divide by age would be the norm.

Also, it's normal for 12 year olds to be disrespectful! It's part of adolescence. You don't have to tolerate it, but you do need to have age-appropriate expectations. It's not necessarily because of his ex. And also, second wife, it's very very rare that the woman your DH CHOSE to marry suddenly went bonkers and all problems are her fault. There might be a lot you don't know.

Remember that the adults have CHOSEN to put these children through a lot of turmoil. You chose them and they didn't choose you.

.

+1 Your expectations are completely unreasonable. They are little people with feels who are experiencing a huge life change. This isn’t all about you and your need to “blend” the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was not a long time family friend. Any play dates our kids had were part of much larger groups, so it isn't like they used to know me as a neighbor who is now their mom. At most, they remember me as someone their dad works with.

I have been to therapy related to my own divorce and I know it's best not to share adult information with kids. The kids have no business knowing about the sex lives of their parents. There are two sides to every story, and I'm honestly just trying to protect my kids from having their step brother from spew whatever version of the truth his mother has planted in his head. This isn't about me.
This is about protecting three young children from being exposed to misleading, inappropriate, and one-sided information that they are way too young to understand and process.

Take your feelings for me out of this scenario and please focus on how I can prevent the dysfunction that the step kids are dealing with from spreading to my kids. Mine are adjusting well and have accepted the divorce.

It sounds like you did cheat, then. Otherwise there would not be two sides. You cheated and others were not willing to keep your secret, and now you and your DH have lost the respect of his children. My only advice to you is to be honest with them, tell the truth for a change, and try to earn back their respect. It will not come easily. Your children will find out eventually one way or another. Think about what you will say, and remember that it's not the stepchildren's fault for telling them. It's your fault for doing it. It's gross to expect children to keep your dirty secrets.

It is typical for younger children to have an easier time accepting a divorce. Tweens are a difficult age. Which you would know if you had done any research before imposing your remarriage into their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was not a long time family friend. Any play dates our kids had were part of much larger groups, so it isn't like they used to know me as a neighbor who is now their mom. At most, they remember me as someone their dad works with.

I have been to therapy related to my own divorce and I know it's best not to share adult information with kids. The kids have no business knowing about the sex lives of their parents. There are two sides to every story, and I'm honestly just trying to protect my kids from having their step brother from spew whatever version of the truth his mother has planted in his head. This isn't about me.
This is about protecting three young children from being exposed to misleading, inappropriate, and one-sided information that they are way too young to understand and process.

Take your feelings for me out of this scenario and please focus on how I can prevent the dysfunction that the step kids are dealing with from spreading to my kids. Mine are adjusting well and have accepted the divorce.

You want to really protect your kids from their step-siblings then switch your custody schedule and have the stepmkids on different weeks. Oh wait...you are not willing to do that!

[Anonymous]

So, you were their father’s co-worker or your husband was and you or both of you used to be invited over to birthday parties / events. At some point, you started having an affair with the dad. Mom found out, they got divorced. Within a year, the two of you have remarried. You wanted the step kids to move schools, give up on their activities, not tell their side of the story to your kids, and see the dad when all of you are together. The only reason that this did not register on your kids’ radar is that they are younger, but they will grow up and either their half siblings will tell them or they will put 2+2 together and realize what happened. You can’t change that. Agree with all of the above, tone down your selfishness and egocentrism though highly doubt that you are able to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Second, is there any possibility of changing the custody schedule to switch weeks so his kids are there one week, your kids another, with maybe one overlap day??

His ex refuses to switch custody schedules. Besides, we feel very strongly about setting aside time for our marriage apart from the blended family because we've both learned the hard way what happens when kids are prioritized abive the marriage.

I don't get this thinking at all. Parents who have stayed together have kids with them 100% of the time, and yet somehow manage to keep the marriage alive (obviously, as they're still together). That;s just parenthood. If your marriage can't survive normal life, then you don't have much of a marriage. It's not normal to need (or get) every other week without kids so you can prioritize the marriage. Get a babysitter once a month like everyone else.

These kids (his and yours) have already had their time with each parent cut by 50%. Don't rush into cutting it further by making them share that limited time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, you were their father’s co-worker or your husband was and you or both of you used to be invited over to birthday parties / events. At some point, you started having an affair with the dad. Mom found out, they got divorced. Within a year, the two of you have remarried. You wanted the step kids to move schools, give up on their activities, not tell their side of the story to your kids, and see the dad when all of you are together. The only reason that this did not register on your kids’ radar is that they are younger, but they will grow up and either their half siblings will tell them or they will put 2+2 together and realize what happened. You can’t change that. Agree with all of the above, tone down your selfishness and egocentrism though highly doubt that you are able to do that.

Yes