How to handle unwanted gift from DH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH let me know he’s surprising me with a very sweet and generous (non-sexual) “experience” gift that I am not at all interested in. We talked about it previously; he suggested it and I said clearly that it is not something I want. I told him what I want instead. He either didn’t hear that or didn’t believe that, and now has involved friends and family to pull it off. He is an extrovert and I am an introvert, and I think he sometimes has a hard time seeing my perspective or believing I’d rather do something solitary. He’s been putting a lot of effort into this gift and I truly do appreciate that, but I wish he hadn’t done it. I know he was disappointed in my reaction when he told me. I’m disappointed too, and I feel terrible that I’m not excited about it. He’s doing the thing he wants for me, not the thing I want. We’re working with limited time and funds so it’s an either/or situation. I’m not sure what to do. It’s not too late to back out, but he will be hurt and embarrassed if I decline and it would be awkward for the others involved. So that isn’t really an option. I’m trying to focus on appreciating the gesture, but it really feels like another responsibility now, and I’m not very good at feigning excitement. I really don’t want to do this, but backing out would be worse. Any ideas on how to change my mindset on this? I think it’s a bad idea to mention to DH that I wish he hadn’t done it. How do I act happy about it?

This is not a gift for you any more, now you enjoying it or making a good show of enjoying it is a gift from you for your DH. Try to see it that way. You can work on the unwanted gift thing into the future but that can be a real blind spot/difficulty for people and this one is too far gone. Do your best to get into a generous mindset and make "his" gift as good as you can. It's the best thing at this point and you can work on the listening and the validation of your point of view (which you obvs deserve and didn't get) going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bet its a surprise party.

DH wants her family and friends to think he is SUCH A GREAT HUSBAND for throwing her a party. Am I right, OP?

Not much of a surprise.

[Anonymous]

so many selfish people on this thread.

waaa... whaaaa... whaa... he didn't get me the gift I wanted.... he is selfish because I don't like what he got me....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH let me know he’s surprising me with a very sweet and generous (non-sexual) “experience” gift that I am not at all interested in. We talked about it previously; he suggested it and I said clearly that it is not something I want. I told him what I want instead. He either didn’t hear that or didn’t believe that, and now has involved friends and family to pull it off. He is an extrovert and I am an introvert, and I think he sometimes has a hard time seeing my perspective or believing I’d rather do something solitary. He’s been putting a lot of effort into this gift and I truly do appreciate that, but I wish he hadn’t done it. I know he was disappointed in my reaction when he told me. I’m disappointed too, and I feel terrible that I’m not excited about it. He’s doing the thing he wants for me, not the thing I want. We’re working with limited time and funds so it’s an either/or situation. I’m not sure what to do. It’s not too late to back out, but he will be hurt and embarrassed if I decline and it would be awkward for the others involved. So that isn’t really an option. I’m trying to focus on appreciating the gesture, but it really feels like another responsibility now, and I’m not very good at feigning excitement. I really don’t want to do this, but backing out would be worse. Any ideas on how to change my mindset on this? I think it’s a bad idea to mention to DH that I wish he hadn’t done it. How do I act happy about it?

This is not a gift for you any more, now you enjoying it or making a good show of enjoying it is a gift from you for your DH. Try to see it that way. You can work on the unwanted gift thing into the future but that can be a real blind spot/difficulty for people and this one is too far gone. Do your best to get into a generous mindset and make "his" gift as good as you can. It's the best thing at this point and you can work on the listening and the validation of your point of view (which you obvs deserve and didn't get) going forward.

OP here. Thanks for this suggestion. I was looking for a way to turn my thinking around about it and this is helpful.

Thanks to everyone for your input. I’ve typed out 2 detailed responses and lost them due to “website errors” and reloading the page, so I’ll keep this short. I appreciate all the suggestions to be honest with DH about not wanting this gift, but he’s been really down on himself lately and he’s feeling pretty good about orchestrating this. Even if I were to say how much I appreciate the effort, which I do, if I let him know/remind him this isn’t what I want, he’ll only hear the criticism and his feelings will be hurt. (Yes, this is an issue we’re working on.) I don’t want to do that and I don’t want to take away something that he feels good about doing. And it’s not like some horrible experience I’ll have to endure - think quiet weekend at the beach with a good book vs jam packed whirlwind trip to major metropolitan city with a group. It will be more stressful for me than relaxing (the goal was to get a break/relax), but I can, and will, enjoy the time. So I’m going to decide to enjoy this gift in the spirit it was given.

To that point, I think he had a number of motivations in choosing to do this instead of what I wanted - including that it makes him feel good and especially that it makes him look good to others. But I also think that he thinks this is what I really wanted, despite what I said, and that I just didn’t want to put anyone out or ask for it myself. I know I could view that as paternalistic and annoying, but for the sake of my marriage I’m going to choose to view it as a loving gesture. And separately from this issue, will continue to work on the listening/communication so we don’t end up here again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH let me know he’s surprising me with a very sweet and generous (non-sexual) “experience” gift that I am not at all interested in. We talked about it previously; he suggested it and I said clearly that it is not something I want. I told him what I want instead. He either didn’t hear that or didn’t believe that, and now has involved friends and family to pull it off. He is an extrovert and I am an introvert, and I think he sometimes has a hard time seeing my perspective or believing I’d rather do something solitary. He’s been putting a lot of effort into this gift and I truly do appreciate that, but I wish he hadn’t done it. I know he was disappointed in my reaction when he told me. I’m disappointed too, and I feel terrible that I’m not excited about it. He’s doing the thing he wants for me, not the thing I want. We’re working with limited time and funds so it’s an either/or situation. I’m not sure what to do. It’s not too late to back out, but he will be hurt and embarrassed if I decline and it would be awkward for the others involved. So that isn’t really an option. I’m trying to focus on appreciating the gesture, but it really feels like another responsibility now, and I’m not very good at feigning excitement. I really don’t want to do this, but backing out would be worse. Any ideas on how to change my mindset on this? I think it’s a bad idea to mention to DH that I wish he hadn’t done it. How do I act happy about it?

This is not a gift for you any more, now you enjoying it or making a good show of enjoying it is a gift from you for your DH. Try to see it that way. You can work on the unwanted gift thing into the future but that can be a real blind spot/difficulty for people and this one is too far gone. Do your best to get into a generous mindset and make "his" gift as good as you can. It's the best thing at this point and you can work on the listening and the validation of your point of view (which you obvs deserve and didn't get) going forward.

OP here. Thanks for this suggestion. I was looking for a way to turn my thinking around about it and this is helpful.

Thanks to everyone for your input. I’ve typed out 2 detailed responses and lost them due to “website errors” and reloading the page, so I’ll keep this short. I appreciate all the suggestions to be honest with DH about not wanting this gift, but he’s been really down on himself lately and he’s feeling pretty good about orchestrating this. Even if I were to say how much I appreciate the effort, which I do, if I let him know/remind him this isn’t what I want, he’ll only hear the criticism and his feelings will be hurt. (Yes, this is an issue we’re working on.) I don’t want to do that and I don’t want to take away something that he feels good about doing. And it’s not like some horrible experience I’ll have to endure - think quiet weekend at the beach with a good book vs jam packed whirlwind trip to major metropolitan city with a group. It will be more stressful for me than relaxing (the goal was to get a break/relax), but I can, and will, enjoy the time. So I’m going to decide to enjoy this gift in the spirit it was given.

To that point, I think he had a number of motivations in choosing to do this instead of what I wanted - including that it makes him feel good and especially that it makes him look good to others. But I also think that he thinks this is what I really wanted,[b] despite what I said, and that I just didn’t want to put anyone out or ask for it myself. I know I could view that as paternalistic and annoying, but for the sake of my marriage I’m going to choose to view it as a loving gesture. And separately from this issue, will continue to work on the listening/communication so we don’t end up here again.

Have you read what you wrote? It's not paternalistic and annoying but signs of deep narcissism and selfishness. Substitute the "gift" with "$ex" and see how that sounds.

[Anonymous]

You absolutely have to tell him how you feel - at some point.

If you go along with this because it was a gesture f love, then you are reinforcing his belief that he knows you better than you know yourself. He will completely ignore anything you say that doesn’t affirm his image of you. The truly unfortunate part is that the longer that this goes on, the less he will know you until you’re glorified strangers who live in the same house.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the update, OP. You sound like a kind and thoughtful person who is trying to be understanding of your Dh - despite him messing this up a bit. Hopefully you'll have an okay time and that you can have a more relaxing trip next time.

[Anonymous]

Did you read your own post? Have you read the post with the lady whose husband knows everything?
You can be polite and STILL decline to participate in something you don't want to do. That is an OK thing to do. You may be setting a precedent if you go and pretend to enjoy it. Your husband will forever use this as the example of why he knows best and will struggle to listen to your wants/needs again.

You can say 'no thank you" and aren't required to go along with something just to be nice. https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2017/12/11/cat-person?reload=true

[Anonymous]

If you go along with this, the deal has to be that for his birthday you get to spend joint resources/vacation time on an experience you enjoy - AND he has to be a good sport about it and tell everyone how this is EXACTLY what he wanted and how much he loved the experience.

Write this down. Send each other emails, something. Say you will go along with this trip so he can save face but you’re going to need a real vacation to recharge later.

[Anonymous]

OP, I understand that you're trying to be kind to your husband and see this in the best light for the sake of your marriage. But I don't understand why you think anything will change in your marriage terms of his ignoring your clearly-stated preferences for how he spends your joint money, if you don't communicate about this now. You are basically pretending everything is fine b/c his feelings will be hurt if you bring up what you ALREADY TOLD HIM, namely that you don't want the big-city-lots-of-people trip. Are you going to tell him after the fact that you didn't really want to do it? He's either going to get mad then (and more justifiably, since you didn't tell him while it was maybe still cancelable) or he's going to take it as justification for ignoring your wishes. "She said she didn't want it but I know she enjoyed it!" So for your next birthday, or whatever, he will do the same thing. And I doubt this is just an issue in terms of planning trips--if he gets his "feelings hurt" whenever you express yourself that has to be a totally suffocating marriage to be in.

Anyway, I would urge you to have an honest conversation with him. You are clearly a kind person so you will be kind in this discussion. If he's unable to deal with kindly-stated facts like "Honey I already told you I didn't want to go to New York with 8 other people, I wanted to go to the beach with just you and me," that is not your fault.

[Anonymous]

I think your plan and overall approach is generous, mature, kind, and the best possible way you could approach this OP. Kudos to you - I wish your husband had equivalent emotional intelligence.

And I also hope that afterwards you will say to him, very directly, that what you most want from his is "xxx" - whatever that is. "Honey , I really appreciate all of the effort and energy and though that went into our weekend in NYC. Now I want to ask you for another gift. I would like to take two days to go to "X" - all by myself, at some time that is convenient for us. Having that to look forward to and to help me recharge my batteries would be the single greatest gift you could give me. What do you think?"

You need to be very direct and clear about what you want. You don't have to be accusatory, just clear.

I hope you really do find a way to enjoy whatever he's planned, for your own sake!

[Anonymous]

Good for you OP. Going forward, you 2 might want to have some parameters on gift giving to each other. A monetary limit would be the easiest. One can only do so much with a $100-200 limit.