How to handle unwanted gift from DH
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Anonymous
| DH let me know he’s surprising me with a very sweet and generous (non-sexual) “experience” gift that I am not at all interested in. We talked about it previously; he suggested it and I said clearly that it is not something I want. I told him what I want instead. He either didn’t hear that or didn’t believe that, and now has involved friends and family to pull it off. He is an extrovert and I am an introvert, and I think he sometimes has a hard time seeing my perspective or believing I’d rather do something solitary. He’s been putting a lot of effort into this gift and I truly do appreciate that, but I wish he hadn’t done it. I know he was disappointed in my reaction when he told me. I’m disappointed too, and I feel terrible that I’m not excited about it. He’s doing the thing he wants for me, not the thing I want. We’re working with limited time and funds so it’s an either/or situation. I’m not sure what to do. It’s not too late to back out, but he will be hurt and embarrassed if I decline and it would be awkward for the others involved. So that isn’t really an option. I’m trying to focus on appreciating the gesture, but it really feels like another responsibility now, and I’m not very good at feigning excitement. I really don’t want to do this, but backing out would be worse. Any ideas on how to change my mindset on this? I think it’s a bad idea to mention to DH that I wish he hadn’t done it. How do I act happy about it? |
Anonymous
| Be happy your husband has given you the gift of caring...wanting to make you happy. |
Anonymous
If he really cared about making her happy, he would have listened when she expressly told him she didn’t want this. It’s not like he’s surprising her with something he thinks she’ll like and just doesn’t realize; they discussed it and she said she didn’t want it. OP, if it were me, at this point I’d probably go through with it because of the others involved, but later after it’s over, I’d sit down and tell my DH that while I truly appreciate the effort he spent, I wish he would have listened to me when we discussed it first, and ask him to trust me in the future when I say what I do and do not like. |
Anonymous
| Suck it up buttercup and learn a lesson from this. Next time, tell him in no uncertain words exactly what you want. |
Anonymous
"We talked about it previously; he suggested it and I said clearly that it is not something I want. I told him what I want instead." Sounds like that's what our buttercup did indeed do! |
Anonymous
??? This is like me talking about wanting a dog and being vocal about being a cat hater. Being threatened with a cat. Holding strong, dislike them, do want dog. Christmas morning, I get a kitten. The exact opposite of 'wanting to make me happy." OP, do what you need to do to keep the peace, but this was a selfish and boneheaded decision on his part. I would definitely bring it up calmly and express how stressful it is for you. |
Anonymous
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I would personally be a bit miffed.
It’s like he is not taking you too seriously and/or he really does not respect your feelings either way. I would do my very best to hold back, but if you find that in doing so the outcome may be worse then just at least try to make minor modifications in your own plans in order to take some of the responsibility off of your back. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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What kind of experience gift is it? Just curious. It doesn’t change my answer.
I’d be irritated, but I’d go along and be very clear before the next gift comes along. I can understand if it’s something you haven’t done before how he might think that if you try it, you’ll like it. I don’t think that’s a selfish way of thinking exactly, more like inconsiderate. If you have tried it and know from experience rather than intuition that you dislike it, that’s selfish. For example, my sister doesn’t like art galleries or museums. There’s one where I live that’s really interactive and different from most art galleries. More like a playground with digital art. She would’ve never chosen it, but I took her there and she had a lot of fun. I know she was somewhere between irritated and dreading the experience when I surprised her with the tickets, but after we left she thanked me for following my gut and taking her somewhere new. I’m sorry you didn’t get what you wanted. I hope it’s not too unpleasant. |
Anonymous
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What is the gift? Have family and friends already had to invest time and/or money into it?
If it is something that you actively don’t want to do, like it fills you with dread to think about it, I would tell him and back out. If it’s just something that isn’t your favorite and you would have preferred something else, and family/friends have already invested in it, I would go through with it. Either way, feel zero guilt about your reaction. You told him you didn’t want this and he did it anyway. In fact, if you think backing out now would discourage him from doing this again, then back out. |
Anonymous
| Is it something you are afraid to do like skydiving? Or is it something you would prefer not to do like a spa weekend? I would probably go along, but be very clear regarding the future. No surprises. |
Anonymous
+1 if it was something I was scared to do because of potential harm to myself, I’d put a hard stop to it. If it was something like a spa day and big group dinner, I’d go along. |
Anonymous
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I'd be annoyed. He isn't doing this because he wants to make you happy. He's doing it because HE WANTS the experience FOR HIMSELF.
I think we need to know what the experience is. |
Anonymous
| Your husband made this gift all about himself rather than you. I'd go through with it this time but have a serious conversation with him later. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
| For his birthday plan and introverts type experience. |