How to handle unwanted gift from DH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband bought me a convertible as a surprise gift for mothers day. Not my favorite car but I grew to love it as it showed he cared for me. I suggest you do the same.

I would be livid if my spouse did this.

In the grand scheme of life is it really something to get livid over?

Yes if it is a pattern.
How selfish does a person have to be to get someone a gift that the person not only doesn't want but that the giver likely wants.

How crappy to tell my DH: "I slaved all day making you this itallian meal for your birthday with bread, pasta, sauces, wine"
if he is gluten free and doesn't drink but i LOVE itallian food.
That is NOT a gift for him. I don't care how much i worked on it.

The thought and care isn't there if the giver knows the getter does NOT want it.

[Anonymous]

why do you think he did it inspite of you telling him you weren't interested? There are a couple of reasons

1. He did it because you told him no, being spiteful

2. He thinks you might enjoy the experience but are not open to it without it being foisted on you

3. He wants others to think he is a great husband for planning this for you since they don't know you don't want it

4. It really is an excuse for him to get vicarious pleasure from the event

You know your husband, honestly which on do you think it is? I am often #2 in my family, they are not open to new experiences but always enjoy them once I "make" them do it.

[Anonymous]

Very much depends what it is and how insistent you were about not wanting it.

Party where he invited your family and long-lost friends and did all the work?

very different than signing you up for say, a bartending class.

[Anonymous]

My husband does this to me. He also gets me gifts that he actually wants for himself and that I will never use. It's frustrating. This year for Xmas he got me a gift certificate for a massage. No way I will ever use it. We have had the discussion a million times. I have a thing about strangers touching me, it's always been part of my personality. It creeps me out and causes me anxiety. I never get manicures or pedicures for this same reason. I will NEVER use this massage certificate and I am perplexed at why he would even give it to me knowing that I would hate getting a massage.

I'm now and a conundrum. I'm afraid to tell him I do not want this gift because I'm afraid he will call me ungrateful and get mad (but he KNOWS I would not get a massage). Does he want me to give it to him to use for himself??

I have no idea what to do. I told him what I wanted for Christmas, and he didn't get me that, he got me the massage certificate instead for some reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH let me know he’s surprising me with a very sweet and generous (non-sexual) “experience” gift that I am not at all interested in. We talked about it previously; he suggested it and I said clearly that it is not something I want. I told him what I want instead. He either didn’t hear that or didn’t believe that, and now has involved friends and family to pull it off. He is an extrovert and I am an introvert, and I think he sometimes has a hard time seeing my perspective or believing I’d rather do something solitary. He’s been putting a lot of effort into this gift and I truly do appreciate that, but I wish he hadn’t done it. I know he was disappointed in my reaction when he told me. I’m disappointed too, and I feel terrible that I’m not excited about it. He’s doing the thing he wants for me, not the thing I want. We’re working with limited time and funds so it’s an either/or situation. I’m not sure what to do. It’s not too late to back out, but he will be hurt and embarrassed if I decline and it would be awkward for the others involved. So that isn’t really an option. I’m trying to focus on appreciating the gesture, but it really feels like another responsibility now, and I’m not very good at feigning excitement. I really don’t want to do this, but backing out would be worse. Any ideas on how to change my mindset on this? I think it’s a bad idea to mention to DH that I wish he hadn’t done it. How do I act happy about it?

Just be honest with him.
What the hell are you married to someone for if you can't be honest with them?
What kind of marriage do you have where you always feel forced to tip-toe around topics all the time for fear of hurting someone's feelings?
That's what love and communication and understanding and respect and commitment is for - to prevent disaster from tearing you apart when it comes time to be honest.
Geezus you people are nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband does this to me. He also gets me gifts that he actually wants for himself and that I will never use. It's frustrating. This year for Xmas he got me a gift certificate for a massage. No way I will ever use it. We have had the discussion a million times. I have a thing about strangers touching me, it's always been part of my personality. It creeps me out and causes me anxiety. I never get manicures or pedicures for this same reason. I will NEVER use this massage certificate and I am perplexed at why he would even give it to me knowing that I would hate getting a massage.

I'm now and a conundrum. I'm afraid to tell him I do not want this gift because I'm afraid he will call me ungrateful and get mad (but he KNOWS I would not get a massage). Does he want me to give it to him to use for himself??

I have no idea what to do. I told him what I wanted for Christmas, and he didn't get me that, he got me the massage certificate instead for some reason.

Sounds like my husband. How many bath bombs have to go unused sitting on the edge of the bathtub before he finally understands that I don't want them, told him I didn't want them, and don't even pretend to use anymore?

I would give the massage certificate to someone else, not your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suck it up buttercup and learn a lesson from this. Next time, tell him in no uncertain words exactly what you want.

"We talked about it previously; he suggested it and I said clearly that it is not something I want. I told him what I want instead."

Sounds like that's what our buttercup did indeed do!

+1. WTH PP? I think you're probably someone like the OP's husband who just. doesn't. listen.

[Anonymous]

It depends on what it is. If it’s a party then the gift is for more than just the OP and I say just be gracious.

[Anonymous]

My DH does this and not just with gifts but chores, activities, shopping, etc. He truly thinks I will like something and that I don’t realize I’ll like it or that I’m just being polite when I say I don’t want it. I kid you not, in counseling when the male counselor repeated what I said, he seemed to hear it. Otherwise, he just doesn’t get it. He has gotten slightly better but it’s still a problem. He really is a good father, provider, and generally good person, so I deal with it. If you find a solution, please share!

[Anonymous]

Three ideas:

1) agree with others that best case is you are honest with him, ideally in a non-blaming way.

2) if you can’t do that, can you come up with a lie that would save face with family and friends? “Oh, so sorry we won’t be able to rent that private yacht for everyone to sail to FiJi. Something has come up at work and I absolutely can’t go. Or my doctor says I can’t be on a boat for more than 15 minutes until we get my Blood pressure under control.” Or whatever.

3) if that won’t work, just tell yourself it’ll be fine and stay positive. Don’t dwell on it. I get the sense you have some social anxiety and this is a large group event. The anticipation is often much worse than the event itself. I’m scared of heights but if I absolutely had to do a hot air balloon ride, I would just steel myself for it and focus on not looking down. Maybe I’d love it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband bought me a convertible as a surprise gift for mothers day. Not my favorite car but I grew to love it as it showed he cared for me. I suggest you do the same.

I would be livid if my spouse did this.

In the grand scheme of life is it really something to get livid over?

Yes, it is a form of control and completely disregards OP as a person with her own agency.

[Anonymous]

Is this a guy thing?
My husband and I had been talking about getting a new dog. My position was that we should get a young adult dog because puppies are SO much work. DH’s position was that a puppy would be great! Guess what he surprised me with on Christmas? Yup. A puppy. Fortunately her cuteness outweighs what a pain she can be— and DH is taking the lead on house training her.

[Anonymous]

It's a major problem, at least if it's part of something larger, because it signifies potentially major communications, respect or partnership issues in the relationship.

The PP with the puppy? That is unreal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:a gift is not something one gets to chose. There are two sides to a gift. The giver picks the item they want to gift for their own reasons including, at times, giving something that receiver may not chose for themselves. The other side of the gift giving processes is the receiver graciously receiving the gift. OP, you are lacking on both sides of this equation.

1. You don't pick your own gift. I've given close family members things they might not have chosen for themselves and among the reasons I've done this, at times, is because I thought they might have a horizon expanding moment and learn the enjoy something new. Sure, your husband may have picked something he also enjoys but that does not mean his motivations are totally selfish. You, on the other hand, wanting him to "gift" only that which you, in advance, want is a selfish motivation. You are taking away joy from the gift giver. Their joy is the experience of considering what to give someone else.

2. gracious acceptance of things we may not want is a gift to the giver and also a chance for us to grow individually.

I'm very surporsed that other people on DCUMS do not know and live by these principles because so many people on DCUMS are stay-at-homes or other types why contribute to their families by gift giving and sending thankyou notes, etc.

People tell me I am a wonderful gift giver because I spend a lot of time choosing a gift that they are thrilled with. My secret weapon is being a good listener and observer.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think you have to act happy about it. Just go and be pleasant. He knows you’re unhappy about his choice so perhaps he will do better next time.