Stepparents, how much money have you spent on/do you spend on your spouse's children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We merged fInances and had custody of my stepchild, so I paid for essentially 50% of my stepchild’s expenses. Mom spent almost nothing, expecting us to send money to cover everything from groceries to incidentals when stepchild visited during the summer.

I am in the same boat. Bio-mom is not in the picture except for a few visits a year and we cover everything (my DH never filed for child support). I cover my step-DD health insurance/co-pays and we count groceries as general family expense. She tells me what she prefers to eat and I buy within reason. I used to cover my step-DD activities and tutors, but stopped a few months back since it is really my DH's responsibility. I cover our two bio children daycare expenses out my own paycheck (my DH does not contribute at all) as well their other expenses--clothes, doctor co-pays, and activities. My DH does not contribute a dime from his income towards our bio-kids. He pretty much provides the roof over our head (4k mortgage), pays car insurance, electricity/gas, and trash removal. I also make car payments on all three cars, my step-DD drives one of them. I have been handed a really crappy deal and can't wait until step--DD is off to college!

Do you guys split every single expense?

It sounds exhausting to live like that. It much easier to merge finances. No matter how you slice it there is no keeping money separate once you get married - hopefully you figure this out before the divorce.

NP. It doesn't sound like the PP is splitting expenses. It sounds like she's paying for EVERYTHING while her husband gets off scot-free. He doesn't contribute to their children together, but she pays towards his daughter??? Tell me that doesn't rub you the wrong way.

He pays for the full mortgage - that’s a lot money - probably the same as she pays for daycare.

That’s why I think this bean counting is stupid. Make a budget together. Sure, it might make you feel good that nothing from your salary goes to your Stepkid, but guess what? If it comes from dads paycheck, it’s from household money. It’s a stupid distinction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is incredibly sad. If you think the kids are brats and will never love you, shouldn't have married into that. If you marry someone who treats your kids as the other, you shouldn't have married that either.

My mom grew up in a divorced family and her step mom was incredibly abusive. The half-siblings never bonded. It's drama till this day over all kinds of things. I think there's nothing worse in the world than bad parents (including step parents). That's how we end up with so much evil.

I'm divorced now too. I will never remarry if it means having a man nickle and dime how we raise my DC and if he treats them as someone else's kids and doesn't take them on as part of me.

But it's very unrealistic to equate paying for a stepchild with gaining their love. It's not going to be the kind of parental love that is unconditional. And not paying for them isn't being abusive. You're confusing a lot of different concepts. Abuse shouldn't happen period. The bio parents, however, should be handling the expenses of their bio children and leave the new spouses out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We merged fInances and had custody of my stepchild, so I paid for essentially 50% of my stepchild’s expenses. Mom spent almost nothing, expecting us to send money to cover everything from groceries to incidentals when stepchild visited during the summer.

I am in the same boat. Bio-mom is not in the picture except for a few visits a year and we cover everything (my DH never filed for child support). I cover my step-DD health insurance/co-pays and we count groceries as general family expense. She tells me what she prefers to eat and I buy within reason. I used to cover my step-DD activities and tutors, but stopped a few months back since it is really my DH's responsibility. I cover our two bio children daycare expenses out my own paycheck (my DH does not contribute at all) as well their other expenses--clothes, doctor co-pays, and activities. My DH does not contribute a dime from his income towards our bio-kids. He pretty much provides the roof over our head (4k mortgage), pays car insurance, electricity/gas, and trash removal. I also make car payments on all three cars, my step-DD drives one of them. I have been handed a really crappy deal and can't wait until step--DD is off to college!

Do you guys split every single expense?

It sounds exhausting to live like that. It much easier to merge finances. No matter how you slice it there is no keeping money separate once you get married - hopefully you figure this out before the divorce.

NP. It doesn't sound like the PP is splitting expenses. It sounds like she's paying for EVERYTHING while her husband gets off scot-free. He doesn't contribute to their children together, but she pays towards his daughter??? Tell me that doesn't rub you the wrong way.

He pays for the full mortgage - that’s a lot money - probably the same as she pays for daycare.

That’s why I think this bean counting is stupid. Make a budget together. Sure, it might make you feel good that nothing from your salary goes to your Stepkid, but guess what? If it comes from dads paycheck, it’s from household money. It’s a stupid distinction.

Yes, but the mortgage needs to be paid anyway. So DW without kids should pay for that instead of SD's tuition. They got their financial arrangements all screwed up.

[Anonymous]

I don't know how much I contribute personally since our finances (DH and I) are combined. If his child needs something and we can cover it, we cover it. We intend to help his child with college tuition as well. (DH's child is significantly older than the children we share).

Do I think it is required for stepparents to spend/leave money for stepchildren? Required? No. Nice to do? Maybe--depends on the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is incredibly sad. If you think the kids are brats and will never love you, shouldn't have married into that. If you marry someone who treats your kids as the other, you shouldn't have married that either.

My mom grew up in a divorced family and her step mom was incredibly abusive. The half-siblings never bonded. It's drama till this day over all kinds of things. I think there's nothing worse in the world than bad parents (including step parents). That's how we end up with so much evil.

I'm divorced now too. I will never remarry if it means having a man nickle and dime how we raise my DC and if he treats them as someone else's kids and doesn't take them on as part of me.

But it's very unrealistic to equate paying for a stepchild with gaining their love. It's not going to be the kind of parental love that is unconditional. And not paying for them isn't being abusive. You're confusing a lot of different concepts. Abuse shouldn't happen period. The bio parents, however, should be handling the expenses of their bio children and leave the new spouses out of it.

Agree with this 100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We merged fInances and had custody of my stepchild, so I paid for essentially 50% of my stepchild’s expenses. Mom spent almost nothing, expecting us to send money to cover everything from groceries to incidentals when stepchild visited during the summer.

I am in the same boat. Bio-mom is not in the picture except for a few visits a year and we cover everything (my DH never filed for child support). I cover my step-DD health insurance/co-pays and we count groceries as general family expense. She tells me what she prefers to eat and I buy within reason. I used to cover my step-DD activities and tutors, but stopped a few months back since it is really my DH's responsibility. I cover our two bio children daycare expenses out my own paycheck (my DH does not contribute at all) as well their other expenses--clothes, doctor co-pays, and activities. My DH does not contribute a dime from his income towards our bio-kids. He pretty much provides the roof over our head (4k mortgage), pays car insurance, electricity/gas, and trash removal. I also make car payments on all three cars, my step-DD drives one of them. I have been handed a really crappy deal and can't wait until step--DD is off to college!

Ok, how do you deal emotionally with this one-sided arrangement? I think this is what the OP is getting at. It's a recipe for resentment.

I only have to deal with it for another 1.5 years until step-DD is off to college. I go to therapy and I have iron-clad boundaries set with step-DD and DH on what I will and will not do. My step-DD is rather ungrateful child and thinks the world is owed to her and we need to dance to her tune daily. I feel sad for her at times, due to her parents not doing any actual parenting and her mom not being there for her.

Why isn’t your DH parenting? Did you know he sucked as a dad when you married him? Is he like that with your kids together or do you keep him inline? Wondering if he’s one of those men who stop being emotionally invested in their kids once the mom is no longer sexually available.

He is not a bad parent; he is a bit of a "yes" man and fails at some aspects of parenting.

That’s a clear step back from your earlier characterization.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We merged fInances and had custody of my stepchild, so I paid for essentially 50% of my stepchild’s expenses. Mom spent almost nothing, expecting us to send money to cover everything from groceries to incidentals when stepchild visited during the summer.

I am in the same boat. Bio-mom is not in the picture except for a few visits a year and we cover everything (my DH never filed for child support). I cover my step-DD health insurance/co-pays and we count groceries as general family expense. She tells me what she prefers to eat and I buy within reason. I used to cover my step-DD activities and tutors, but stopped a few months back since it is really my DH's responsibility. I cover our two bio children daycare expenses out my own paycheck (my DH does not contribute at all) as well their other expenses--clothes, doctor co-pays, and activities. My DH does not contribute a dime from his income towards our bio-kids. He pretty much provides the roof over our head (4k mortgage), pays car insurance, electricity/gas, and trash removal. I also make car payments on all three cars, my step-DD drives one of them. I have been handed a really crappy deal and can't wait until step--DD is off to college!

Ok, how do you deal emotionally with this one-sided arrangement? I think this is what the OP is getting at. It's a recipe for resentment.

I only have to deal with it for another 1.5 years until step-DD is off to college. I go to therapy and I have iron-clad boundaries set with step-DD and DH on what I will and will not do. My step-DD is rather ungrateful child and thinks the world is owed to her and we need to dance to her tune daily. I feel sad for her at times, due to her parents not doing any actual parenting and her mom not being there for her.

Why are you even married to this man?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We merged fInances and had custody of my stepchild, so I paid for essentially 50% of my stepchild’s expenses. Mom spent almost nothing, expecting us to send money to cover everything from groceries to incidentals when stepchild visited during the summer.

I am in the same boat. Bio-mom is not in the picture except for a few visits a year and we cover everything (my DH never filed for child support). I cover my step-DD health insurance/co-pays and we count groceries as general family expense. She tells me what she prefers to eat and I buy within reason. I used to cover my step-DD activities and tutors, but stopped a few months back since it is really my DH's responsibility. I cover our two bio children daycare expenses out my own paycheck (my DH does not contribute at all) as well their other expenses--clothes, doctor co-pays, and activities. My DH does not contribute a dime from his income towards our bio-kids. He pretty much provides the roof over our head (4k mortgage), pays car insurance, electricity/gas, and trash removal. I also make car payments on all three cars, my step-DD drives one of them. I have been handed a really crappy deal and can't wait until step--DD is off to college!

Ok, how do you deal emotionally with this one-sided arrangement? I think this is what the OP is getting at. It's a recipe for resentment.

I only have to deal with it for another 1.5 years until step-DD is off to college. I go to therapy and I have iron-clad boundaries set with step-DD and DH on what I will and will not do. My step-DD is rather ungrateful child and thinks the world is owed to her and we need to dance to her tune daily. I feel sad for her at times, due to her parents not doing any actual parenting and her mom not being there for her.

Why are you even married to this man?

I am the PP. When we married, the bio mom was in the picture and had step-DD on weekends and some holidays. She moved out of state and completely checked out except for a a visit once a year and a couple of weeks in the summer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We merged fInances and had custody of my stepchild, so I paid for essentially 50% of my stepchild’s expenses. Mom spent almost nothing, expecting us to send money to cover everything from groceries to incidentals when stepchild visited during the summer.

I am in the same boat. Bio-mom is not in the picture except for a few visits a year and we cover everything (my DH never filed for child support). I cover my step-DD health insurance/co-pays and we count groceries as general family expense. She tells me what she prefers to eat and I buy within reason. I used to cover my step-DD activities and tutors, but stopped a few months back since it is really my DH's responsibility. I cover our two bio children daycare expenses out my own paycheck (my DH does not contribute at all) as well their other expenses--clothes, doctor co-pays, and activities. My DH does not contribute a dime from his income towards our bio-kids. He pretty much provides the roof over our head (4k mortgage), pays car insurance, electricity/gas, and trash removal. I also make car payments on all three cars, my step-DD drives one of them. I have been handed a really crappy deal and can't wait until step--DD is off to college!

Ok, how do you deal emotionally with this one-sided arrangement? I think this is what the OP is getting at. It's a recipe for resentment.

I only have to deal with it for another 1.5 years until step-DD is off to college. I go to therapy and I have iron-clad boundaries set with step-DD and DH on what I will and will not do. My step-DD is rather ungrateful child and thinks the world is owed to her and we need to dance to her tune daily. I feel sad for her at times, due to her parents not doing any actual parenting and her mom not being there for her.

Why are you even married to this man?

I am the PP. When we married, the bio mom was in the picture and had step-DD on weekends and some holidays. She moved out of state and completely checked out except for a a visit once a year and a couple of weeks in the summer.

Was biomom covering the child’s expenses then? It seems like the financial situation of a step parent is always that you should be prepared to support the child. What if biomom died?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We merged fInances and had custody of my stepchild, so I paid for essentially 50% of my stepchild’s expenses. Mom spent almost nothing, expecting us to send money to cover everything from groceries to incidentals when stepchild visited during the summer.

I am in the same boat. Bio-mom is not in the picture except for a few visits a year and we cover everything (my DH never filed for child support). I cover my step-DD health insurance/co-pays and we count groceries as general family expense. She tells me what she prefers to eat and I buy within reason. I used to cover my step-DD activities and tutors, but stopped a few months back since it is really my DH's responsibility. I cover our two bio children daycare expenses out my own paycheck (my DH does not contribute at all) as well their other expenses--clothes, doctor co-pays, and activities. My DH does not contribute a dime from his income towards our bio-kids. He pretty much provides the roof over our head (4k mortgage), pays car insurance, electricity/gas, and trash removal. I also make car payments on all three cars, my step-DD drives one of them. I have been handed a really crappy deal and can't wait until step--DD is off to college!

Ok, how do you deal emotionally with this one-sided arrangement? I think this is what the OP is getting at. It's a recipe for resentment.

I only have to deal with it for another 1.5 years until step-DD is off to college. I go to therapy and I have iron-clad boundaries set with step-DD and DH on what I will and will not do. My step-DD is rather ungrateful child and thinks the world is owed to her and we need to dance to her tune daily. I feel sad for her at times, due to her parents not doing any actual parenting and her mom not being there for her.

Why are you even married to this man?

I am the PP. When we married, the bio mom was in the picture and had step-DD on weekends and some holidays. She moved out of state and completely checked out except for a a visit once a year and a couple of weeks in the summer.

Was biomom covering the child’s expenses then? It seems like the financial situation of a step parent is always that you should be prepared to support the child. What if biomom died?

That would freak me out. Not a stepparent but my sister is dating a man with kids and I've also met them. The kids are nice but a huge responsibility, so I'm worried for my sister should she marry.

[Anonymous]

I got my step kids in the divorce. They always seemed to fight with their bio mom. They couldn’t wait to go to college. Their dad and I split 3 yrs ago. I see the kids more than their bio parents do.

When they were growing up, exDH and I had joint accounts and we just bought them what they needed. That includes private school and college savings.

They are awesome kids. They want to spend winter break with their younger siblings. They both called and asked
me if they could stay with me over winter break. I’m thrilled they’ll be home for a few weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got my step kids in the divorce. They always seemed to fight with their bio mom. They couldn’t wait to go to college. Their dad and I split 3 yrs ago. I see the kids more than their bio parents do.

When they were growing up, exDH and I had joint accounts and we just bought them what they needed. That includes private school and college savings.

They are awesome kids. They want to spend winter break with their younger siblings. They both called and asked
me if they could stay with me over winter break. I’m thrilled they’ll be home for a few weeks.

You have custody of your stepkids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got my step kids in the divorce. They always seemed to fight with their bio mom. They couldn’t wait to go to college. Their dad and I split 3 yrs ago. I see the kids more than their bio parents do.

When they were growing up, exDH and I had joint accounts and we just bought them what they needed. That includes private school and college savings.

They are awesome kids. They want to spend winter break with their younger siblings. They both called and asked
me if they could stay with me over winter break. I’m thrilled they’ll be home for a few weeks.

You have custody of your stepkids?

No. They are both over 18 now. They've chosen me to be their go-to parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We merged fInances and had custody of my stepchild, so I paid for essentially 50% of my stepchild’s expenses. Mom spent almost nothing, expecting us to send money to cover everything from groceries to incidentals when stepchild visited during the summer.

I am in the same boat. Bio-mom is not in the picture except for a few visits a year and we cover everything (my DH never filed for child support). I cover my step-DD health insurance/co-pays and we count groceries as general family expense. She tells me what she prefers to eat and I buy within reason. I used to cover my step-DD activities and tutors, but stopped a few months back since it is really my DH's responsibility. I cover our two bio children daycare expenses out my own paycheck (my DH does not contribute at all) as well their other expenses--clothes, doctor co-pays, and activities. My DH does not contribute a dime from his income towards our bio-kids. He pretty much provides the roof over our head (4k mortgage), pays car insurance, electricity/gas, and trash removal. I also make car payments on all three cars, my step-DD drives one of them. I have been handed a really crappy deal and can't wait until step--DD is off to college!

Ok, how do you deal emotionally with this one-sided arrangement? I think this is what the OP is getting at. It's a recipe for resentment.

I only have to deal with it for another 1.5 years until step-DD is off to college. I go to therapy and I have iron-clad boundaries set with step-DD and DH on what I will and will not do. My step-DD is rather ungrateful child and thinks the world is owed to her and we need to dance to her tune daily. I feel sad for her at times, due to her parents not doing any actual parenting and her mom not being there for her.

Why are you even married to this man?

I am the PP. When we married, the bio mom was in the picture and had step-DD on weekends and some holidays. She moved out of state and completely checked out except for a a visit once a year and a couple of weeks in the summer.

Was biomom covering the child’s expenses then? It seems like the financial situation of a step parent is always that you should be prepared to support the child. What if biomom died?

No, she was not. We would send my step-DD there with take-out or she would pack her lunch/dinner with her. We did get a break in terms of driving to activities and have some time to ourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Personally, I think it's idealistic to expect a stepparent to contribute financially when there is no guarantee of any love, care or gratitude by the stepchildren.

Wow. WOW.

Maybe you shouldn't have married someone that already had children if you wanted to be 100% certain your stepchildren (who have already had to navigate the tricky and sometimes ugly world of divorced parents, and now have to contend with getting thrown into a blended family with no say on the situation) to love and care for you unconditionally and express unreserved gratitude for you gracing their pathetic little.lives with your glowing, angelic presence.