Stepparents, how much money have you spent on/do you spend on your spouse's children?

[Anonymous]

I've noticed a flurry of threads relating to stepparents and expectations of money as if to say that stepparents who don't contribute financially to their spouse's kids regardless of age are mean, controlling and evil. There's one about the SAHM who complains that her DH wouldn't allow her to take any of his money to give to her DS in college. There's another one by a grown woman who begrudges that the wealthy stepdad doesn't treat her with gifts and trips the way he does with his own daughters. And so many responses speak of treating step and bio children completely equally without consideration for the stepparents' finite resources and relationship with the spouse's children. Personally, I think it's idealistic to expect a stepparent to contribute financially when there is no guarantee of any love, care or gratitude by the stepchildren. So I'm curious about just how much you have or continue to spend on your spouse's children? What factors have you taken in consideration? And if you are no longer married to that spouse, do you still provide financial support?

[Anonymous]

We merged fInances and had custody of my stepchild, so I paid for essentially 50% of my stepchild’s expenses. Mom spent almost nothing, expecting us to send money to cover everything from groceries to incidentals when stepchild visited during the summer.

[Anonymous]

I buy almost all of my SS clothing, shoes, and holiday gifts etc. Simply because my husband would never get it done in a timely fashion. I do “joke”and say I should be getting paid child support since I finance so much of his sons needs. ( DH makes at least twice as much as I do.)

[Anonymous]

I think the answer changes whether you married a SAHM or a working woman who makes the same income.

[Anonymous]

Nothing. I make it a point to keep our finances separate to ensure that I don't contribute financially to DH's kids. Not that I don't like them or anything but they have two parents who work and pay for their upkeep. I might get flamed for saying this, but I see myself as DH"s wife and that is that. I am not their mother, I didn't create them so why should I pay for them? An older coworker I know is still working because she spent her retirement money on her second husband's son's college bill, and interestingly enough, her husband left her for a younger woman! So call me cynical but I would never want to be used or feel used that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I buy almost all of my SS clothing, shoes, and holiday gifts etc. Simply because my husband would never get it done in a timely fashion. I do “joke”and say I should be getting paid child support since I finance so much of his sons needs. ( DH makes at least twice as much as I do.)

So you pay for a few of stepson's items, but DH more than compensates you for that. If you don't like it, ask him to do it. The "joking" is not going to go over well.

[Anonymous]

My husband has never treated his stepdaughter any differently than his own biological child. This said, he entered her life before she was two years old. Her biological dad, who left us when she was six months old, is in her life, marginally, but she considers stepdad her "real" dad. She is 35 with children of her own, also treated as "real" grandkids by my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has never treated his stepdaughter any differently than his own biological child. This said, he entered her life before she was two years old. Her biological dad, who left us when she was six months old, is in her life, marginally, but she considers stepdad her "real" dad. She is 35 with children of her own, also treated as "real" grandkids by my husband.

In this situation, it's reasonable to treat a stepchild like your own kid because the stepchild is young enough to bond with...it's in cases where the child in question is already in their teens and the new stepparent is being asked to pay their expenses which is not reasonable.

[Anonymous]

My step-grandmother married my grandfather a few years before my siblings and I were born. She was the one to choose and send presents for me when I was a kid. Since my children were born, she has continued to send presents for them, even once my grandfather died. She has her own children and grandchildren, so it's not as if we're her only family members. I'm very appreciate that she has been such a a good grandmother and great-grandmother to our family!

[Anonymous]

Please don’t get married to someone with children if you don’t wish to take on the “burden.” Christmas gifts is the least of it. Love is the most of it. I’ve had a step parent since I was a little girl and he always considered us a burden and wasn’t shy about saying so!

[Anonymous]

I don't track it. If they need something we get it for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please don’t get married to someone with children if you don’t wish to take on the “burden.” Christmas gifts is the least of it. Love is the most of it. I’ve had a step parent since I was a little girl and he always considered us a burden and wasn’t shy about saying so!

These posts seem to have an axe to grind against stay-at-home moms or whatever. They are shockingly lacking in empathy for the kids who are experiencing thesw situations. It's mind-boggling.

if you marry someone with kids, to some degree, you take on some responsibility

[Anonymous]

I think it depends upon whether the “kids” were adults when you married or if they were still minors.

[Anonymous]

This is why the evil stepmother is such a common theme in fairytales. Step parents frequently resent these children and don't want resources spent on them. One of my great grandmothers married at 14 to get herself and a younger sibling away from the stepmom. I asked another 96 year old great grandmother about her childhood, and she tearfully told me a sad story of her mistreatment by her stepmother. Tale as old as time.

[Anonymous]

Give 'em nothing. They'll hate you no matter what you do.