Stepparents, how much money have you spent on/do you spend on your spouse's children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends upon whether the “kids” were adults when you married or if they were still minors.

This. When we married, we each had one adult DC from prior marriages and I have a minor from my first marriage.

My XH pays $100 a month in CS (when he can be bothered) so DH is providing roughly 50% of minor DD’s needs. In contrast, I probably contribute the equivalent of $500 a year to SS who is in law school and DH probably contributes $40 a month to health insurance for adult DD. She’s turning 26 soon and that will be over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give 'em nothing. They'll hate you no matter what you do.

That’s so sad. I don’t know who I feel more sorry for: you with your closed off heart or the poor children who had to suffer you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've noticed a flurry of threads relating to stepparents and expectations of money as if to say that stepparents who don't contribute financially to their spouse's kids regardless of age are mean, controlling and evil. There's one about the SAHM who complains that her DH wouldn't allow her to take any of his money to give to her DS in college. There's another one by a grown woman who begrudges that the wealthy stepdad doesn't treat her with gifts and trips the way he does with his own daughters. And so many responses speak of treating step and bio children completely equally without consideration for the stepparents' finite resources and relationship with the spouse's children. Personally, I think it's idealistic to expect a stepparent to contribute financially when there is no guarantee of any love, care or gratitude by the stepchildren. So I'm curious about just how much you have or continue to spend on your spouse's children? What factors have you taken in consideration? And if you are no longer married to that spouse, do you still provide financial support?

Are you non bio grandma?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please don’t get married to someone with children if you don’t wish to take on the “burden.” Christmas gifts is the least of it. Love is the most of it. I’ve had a step parent since I was a little girl and he always considered us a burden and wasn’t shy about saying so!

I agree.

OP should never have married a man with children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give 'em nothing. They'll hate you no matter what you do.

Please never marry a man with children if you are like this poster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We merged fInances and had custody of my stepchild, so I paid for essentially 50% of my stepchild’s expenses. Mom spent almost nothing, expecting us to send money to cover everything from groceries to incidentals when stepchild visited during the summer.

I am in the same boat. Bio-mom is not in the picture except for a few visits a year and we cover everything (my DH never filed for child support). I cover my step-DD health insurance/co-pays and we count groceries as general family expense. She tells me what she prefers to eat and I buy within reason. I used to cover my step-DD activities and tutors, but stopped a few months back since it is really my DH's responsibility. I cover our two bio children daycare expenses out my own paycheck (my DH does not contribute at all) as well their other expenses--clothes, doctor co-pays, and activities. My DH does not contribute a dime from his income towards our bio-kids. He pretty much provides the roof over our head (4k mortgage), pays car insurance, electricity/gas, and trash removal. I also make car payments on all three cars, my step-DD drives one of them. I have been handed a really crappy deal and can't wait until step--DD is off to college!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give 'em nothing. They'll hate you no matter what you do.

That’s so sad. I don’t know who I feel more sorry for: you with your closed off heart or the poor children who had to suffer you.

Ha, I am the one who is suffering, dealing with the ungrateful brats every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We merged fInances and had custody of my stepchild, so I paid for essentially 50% of my stepchild’s expenses. Mom spent almost nothing, expecting us to send money to cover everything from groceries to incidentals when stepchild visited during the summer.

I am in the same boat. Bio-mom is not in the picture except for a few visits a year and we cover everything (my DH never filed for child support). I cover my step-DD health insurance/co-pays and we count groceries as general family expense. She tells me what she prefers to eat and I buy within reason. I used to cover my step-DD activities and tutors, but stopped a few months back since it is really my DH's responsibility. I cover our two bio children daycare expenses out my own paycheck (my DH does not contribute at all) as well their other expenses--clothes, doctor co-pays, and activities. My DH does not contribute a dime from his income towards our bio-kids. He pretty much provides the roof over our head (4k mortgage), pays car insurance, electricity/gas, and trash removal. I also make car payments on all three cars, my step-DD drives one of them. I have been handed a really crappy deal and can't wait until step--DD is off to college!

Why are your finances separate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give 'em nothing. They'll hate you no matter what you do.

That’s so sad. I don’t know who I feel more sorry for: you with your closed off heart or the poor children who had to suffer you.

Ha, I am the one who is suffering, dealing with the ungrateful brats every day.

Those poor kids.

Were you the affair partner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We merged fInances and had custody of my stepchild, so I paid for essentially 50% of my stepchild’s expenses. Mom spent almost nothing, expecting us to send money to cover everything from groceries to incidentals when stepchild visited during the summer.

I am in the same boat. Bio-mom is not in the picture except for a few visits a year and we cover everything (my DH never filed for child support). I cover my step-DD health insurance/co-pays and we count groceries as general family expense. She tells me what she prefers to eat and I buy within reason. I used to cover my step-DD activities and tutors, but stopped a few months back since it is really my DH's responsibility. I cover our two bio children daycare expenses out my own paycheck (my DH does not contribute at all) as well their other expenses--clothes, doctor co-pays, and activities. My DH does not contribute a dime from his income towards our bio-kids. He pretty much provides the roof over our head (4k mortgage), pays car insurance, electricity/gas, and trash removal. I also make car payments on all three cars, my step-DD drives one of them. I have been handed a really crappy deal and can't wait until step--DD is off to college!

Ok, how do you deal emotionally with this one-sided arrangement? I think this is what the OP is getting at. It's a recipe for resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please don’t get married to someone with children if you don’t wish to take on the “burden.” Christmas gifts is the least of it. Love is the most of it. I’ve had a step parent since I was a little girl and he always considered us a burden and wasn’t shy about saying so!

I agree.

OP should never have married a man with children.

How do you that OP is a woman? For all you know, He could be a man dating a single mom with two deadbeat baby daddys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why the evil stepmother is such a common theme in fairytales. Step parents frequently resent these children and don't want resources spent on them. One of my great grandmothers married at 14 to get herself and a younger sibling away from the stepmom. I asked another 96 year old great grandmother about her childhood, and she tearfully told me a sad story of her mistreatment by her stepmother. Tale as old as time.

But wasn't mistreatment a common theme back in the day before children's right was conceptualized? Child labor and whatnot. I don't understand why you vilify stepmothers when 99.9% of abuse from step parents occur from stepfathers who rape and molest. Don't you think that's worse than a stepmother who is financially indifferent?

[Anonymous]

Wow wow wow you people are awful. I say this as an adult step daughter. My mom and step father did not get married until my sister and I were teenagers/young adults and he treats us and our children pretty much the same as his own children. I'm so grateful, because my actual father is a complete dead beat who I barely have a relationship with. I am truly counting my blessings after reading this thread. All of you, try and be like the grinch and grow your heart a few sizes.

[Anonymous]

My stepmom did nothing for me- she wasn't a bad person or mean in any way, it was just clear that she viewed me as her husband's daughter.

I can't imagine getting remarried to someone with minor children (especially elementary age or younger) and not ensuring that they were provided with equal resources. That would either come from DH and ex or from DH and me- but one way or another, children deserve to know that they are loved and cared for equally. I think it's innately wrong to treat kids in the same family, differently-- that SAHM situation is terrible and that mom should go back to work with such a controlling spouse and work out the daycare bill with her DH. I have no issues with women staying at home, I stay at home, but there needs to be a lot of trust and equality.

What is common and makes me physically ill is stories about how DH or DW dies and all of the estate that would have gone to bio parent or child goes to uninvolved/ stingy step parent, including heirlooms, photos, etc. That's on the parent who didn't leave a will, but I have seen this in our own family and it's nauseating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We merged fInances and had custody of my stepchild, so I paid for essentially 50% of my stepchild’s expenses. Mom spent almost nothing, expecting us to send money to cover everything from groceries to incidentals when stepchild visited during the summer.

I am in the same boat. Bio-mom is not in the picture except for a few visits a year and we cover everything (my DH never filed for child support). I cover my step-DD health insurance/co-pays and we count groceries as general family expense. She tells me what she prefers to eat and I buy within reason. I used to cover my step-DD activities and tutors, but stopped a few months back since it is really my DH's responsibility. I cover our two bio children daycare expenses out my own paycheck (my DH does not contribute at all) as well their other expenses--clothes, doctor co-pays, and activities. My DH does not contribute a dime from his income towards our bio-kids. He pretty much provides the roof over our head (4k mortgage), pays car insurance, electricity/gas, and trash removal. I also make car payments on all three cars, my step-DD drives one of them. I have been handed a really crappy deal and can't wait until step--DD is off to college!

I'm PP and it sounds like we are not at all in the same boat. I went into this marriage assuming we were equal partners in our household, which meant caring equally for my stepchild. I don't resent it, in my mind it was part of the deal in marrying DH and the least I could do considering DH's ex can barely care for herself much less contribute meaningfully to the upkeep of her child. My relationship with my stepchild isn't perfect, but I married DH and became a parent albeit step-, so I fully believe I have some responsibility to this child.