Stepparents, how much money have you spent on/do you spend on your spouse's children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We merged fInances and had custody of my stepchild, so I paid for essentially 50% of my stepchild’s expenses. Mom spent almost nothing, expecting us to send money to cover everything from groceries to incidentals when stepchild visited during the summer.

I am in the same boat. Bio-mom is not in the picture except for a few visits a year and we cover everything (my DH never filed for child support). I cover my step-DD health insurance/co-pays and we count groceries as general family expense. She tells me what she prefers to eat and I buy within reason. I used to cover my step-DD activities and tutors, but stopped a few months back since it is really my DH's responsibility. I cover our two bio children daycare expenses out my own paycheck (my DH does not contribute at all) as well their other expenses--clothes, doctor co-pays, and activities. My DH does not contribute a dime from his income towards our bio-kids. He pretty much provides the roof over our head (4k mortgage), pays car insurance, electricity/gas, and trash removal. I also make car payments on all three cars, my step-DD drives one of them. I have been handed a really crappy deal and can't wait until step--DD is off to college!

I'm PP and it sounds like we are not at all in the same boat. I went into this marriage assuming we were equal partners in our household, which meant caring equally for my stepchild. I don't resent it, in my mind it was part of the deal in marrying DH and the least I could do considering DH's ex can barely care for herself much less contribute meaningfully to the upkeep of her child. My relationship with my stepchild isn't perfect, but I married DH and became a parent albeit step-, so I fully believe I have some responsibility to this child.

But if you and DH divorce, whats in it for you to have done all this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We merged fInances and had custody of my stepchild, so I paid for essentially 50% of my stepchild’s expenses. Mom spent almost nothing, expecting us to send money to cover everything from groceries to incidentals when stepchild visited during the summer.

I am in the same boat. Bio-mom is not in the picture except for a few visits a year and we cover everything (my DH never filed for child support). I cover my step-DD health insurance/co-pays and we count groceries as general family expense. She tells me what she prefers to eat and I buy within reason. I used to cover my step-DD activities and tutors, but stopped a few months back since it is really my DH's responsibility. I cover our two bio children daycare expenses out my own paycheck (my DH does not contribute at all) as well their other expenses--clothes, doctor co-pays, and activities. My DH does not contribute a dime from his income towards our bio-kids. He pretty much provides the roof over our head (4k mortgage), pays car insurance, electricity/gas, and trash removal. I also make car payments on all three cars, my step-DD drives one of them. I have been handed a really crappy deal and can't wait until step--DD is off to college!

Why are your finances separate?

The finances were joint for a while and it was not working; my income was being consumed by step-DD expenses for activities/tutors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We merged fInances and had custody of my stepchild, so I paid for essentially 50% of my stepchild’s expenses. Mom spent almost nothing, expecting us to send money to cover everything from groceries to incidentals when stepchild visited during the summer.

I am in the same boat. Bio-mom is not in the picture except for a few visits a year and we cover everything (my DH never filed for child support). I cover my step-DD health insurance/co-pays and we count groceries as general family expense. She tells me what she prefers to eat and I buy within reason. I used to cover my step-DD activities and tutors, but stopped a few months back since it is really my DH's responsibility. I cover our two bio children daycare expenses out my own paycheck (my DH does not contribute at all) as well their other expenses--clothes, doctor co-pays, and activities. My DH does not contribute a dime from his income towards our bio-kids. He pretty much provides the roof over our head (4k mortgage), pays car insurance, electricity/gas, and trash removal. I also make car payments on all three cars, my step-DD drives one of them. I have been handed a really crappy deal and can't wait until step--DD is off to college!

Ok, how do you deal emotionally with this one-sided arrangement? I think this is what the OP is getting at. It's a recipe for resentment.

I only have to deal with it for another 1.5 years until step-DD is off to college. I go to therapy and I have iron-clad boundaries set with step-DD and DH on what I will and will not do. My step-DD is rather ungrateful child and thinks the world is owed to her and we need to dance to her tune daily. I feel sad for her at times, due to her parents not doing any actual parenting and her mom not being there for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give 'em nothing. They'll hate you no matter what you do.

That’s so sad. I don’t know who I feel more sorry for: you with your closed off heart or the poor children who had to suffer you.

Ha, I am the one who is suffering, dealing with the ungrateful brats every day.

I agree that you are suffering. It must be horrible harboring such resentment toward the children of the man you love. Please seek professional help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We merged fInances and had custody of my stepchild, so I paid for essentially 50% of my stepchild’s expenses. Mom spent almost nothing, expecting us to send money to cover everything from groceries to incidentals when stepchild visited during the summer.

I am in the same boat. Bio-mom is not in the picture except for a few visits a year and we cover everything (my DH never filed for child support). I cover my step-DD health insurance/co-pays and we count groceries as general family expense. She tells me what she prefers to eat and I buy within reason. I used to cover my step-DD activities and tutors, but stopped a few months back since it is really my DH's responsibility. I cover our two bio children daycare expenses out my own paycheck (my DH does not contribute at all) as well their other expenses--clothes, doctor co-pays, and activities. My DH does not contribute a dime from his income towards our bio-kids. He pretty much provides the roof over our head (4k mortgage), pays car insurance, electricity/gas, and trash removal. I also make car payments on all three cars, my step-DD drives one of them. I have been handed a really crappy deal and can't wait until step--DD is off to college!

Ok, how do you deal emotionally with this one-sided arrangement? I think this is what the OP is getting at. It's a recipe for resentment.

I only have to deal with it for another 1.5 years until step-DD is off to college. I go to therapy and I have iron-clad boundaries set with step-DD and DH on what I will and will not do. My step-DD is rather ungrateful child and thinks the world is owed to her and we need to dance to her tune daily. I feel sad for her at times, due to her parents not doing any actual parenting and her mom not being there for her.

Why isn’t your DH parenting? Did you know he sucked as a dad when you married him? Is he like that with your kids together or do you keep him inline? Wondering if he’s one of those men who stop being emotionally invested in their kids once the mom is no longer sexually available.

[Anonymous]

We had custody of all the kids. Finances have always been completely merged. We don’t make any distinction between steps and bios in our family. We never have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give 'em nothing. They'll hate you no matter what you do.

That’s so sad. I don’t know who I feel more sorry for: you with your closed off heart or the poor children who had to suffer you.

Ha, I am the one who is suffering, dealing with the ungrateful brats every day.

I agree that you are suffering. It must be horrible harboring such resentment toward the children of the man you love. Please seek professional help.

+1000! I’ve been a stepmom for over 20 years. I have a very close relationship with my stepchildren. You sound just dreadful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give 'em nothing. They'll hate you no matter what you do.

That’s so sad. I don’t know who I feel more sorry for: you with your closed off heart or the poor children who had to suffer you.

Ha, I am the one who is suffering, dealing with the ungrateful brats every day.

I agree that you are suffering. It must be horrible harboring such resentment toward the children of the man you love. Please seek professional help.

+1000! I’ve been a stepmom for over 20 years. I have a very close relationship with my stepchildren. You sound just dreadful.

Her stepchildren must have good instincts!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We merged fInances and had custody of my stepchild, so I paid for essentially 50% of my stepchild’s expenses. Mom spent almost nothing, expecting us to send money to cover everything from groceries to incidentals when stepchild visited during the summer.

I am in the same boat. Bio-mom is not in the picture except for a few visits a year and we cover everything (my DH never filed for child support). I cover my step-DD health insurance/co-pays and we count groceries as general family expense. She tells me what she prefers to eat and I buy within reason. I used to cover my step-DD activities and tutors, but stopped a few months back since it is really my DH's responsibility. I cover our two bio children daycare expenses out my own paycheck (my DH does not contribute at all) as well their other expenses--clothes, doctor co-pays, and activities. My DH does not contribute a dime from his income towards our bio-kids. He pretty much provides the roof over our head (4k mortgage), pays car insurance, electricity/gas, and trash removal. I also make car payments on all three cars, my step-DD drives one of them. I have been handed a really crappy deal and can't wait until step--DD is off to college!

I'm PP and it sounds like we are not at all in the same boat. I went into this marriage assuming we were equal partners in our household, which meant caring equally for my stepchild. I don't resent it, in my mind it was part of the deal in marrying DH and the least I could do considering DH's ex can barely care for herself much less contribute meaningfully to the upkeep of her child. My relationship with my stepchild isn't perfect, but I married DH and became a parent albeit step-, so I fully believe I have some responsibility to this child.

Knowing I provided for a child in my care. Knowing I did the right thing at the right time. I don't ask myself what's in it for me when I provide for my bio child either. She could grow up and we could have a horrible relationship and I could die alone in a nursing home. Does that mean I wasted my money raising her?


But if you and DH divorce, whats in it for you to have done all this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We merged fInances and had custody of my stepchild, so I paid for essentially 50% of my stepchild’s expenses. Mom spent almost nothing, expecting us to send money to cover everything from groceries to incidentals when stepchild visited during the summer.

I am in the same boat. Bio-mom is not in the picture except for a few visits a year and we cover everything (my DH never filed for child support). I cover my step-DD health insurance/co-pays and we count groceries as general family expense. She tells me what she prefers to eat and I buy within reason. I used to cover my step-DD activities and tutors, but stopped a few months back since it is really my DH's responsibility. I cover our two bio children daycare expenses out my own paycheck (my DH does not contribute at all) as well their other expenses--clothes, doctor co-pays, and activities. My DH does not contribute a dime from his income towards our bio-kids. He pretty much provides the roof over our head (4k mortgage), pays car insurance, electricity/gas, and trash removal. I also make car payments on all three cars, my step-DD drives one of them. I have been handed a really crappy deal and can't wait until step--DD is off to college!

I'm PP and it sounds like we are not at all in the same boat. I went into this marriage assuming we were equal partners in our household, which meant caring equally for my stepchild. I don't resent it, in my mind it was part of the deal in marrying DH and the least I could do considering DH's ex can barely care for herself much less contribute meaningfully to the upkeep of her child. My relationship with my stepchild isn't perfect, but I married DH and became a parent albeit step-, so I fully believe I have some responsibility to this child.

But if you and DH divorce, whats in it for you to have done all this?

Knowing I provided for a child in my care. Knowing I did the right thing at the right time. I don't ask myself what's in it for me when I provide for my bio child either. She could grow up and we could have a horrible relationship and I could die alone in a nursing home. Does that mean I wasted my money raising her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We merged fInances and had custody of my stepchild, so I paid for essentially 50% of my stepchild’s expenses. Mom spent almost nothing, expecting us to send money to cover everything from groceries to incidentals when stepchild visited during the summer.

I am in the same boat. Bio-mom is not in the picture except for a few visits a year and we cover everything (my DH never filed for child support). I cover my step-DD health insurance/co-pays and we count groceries as general family expense. She tells me what she prefers to eat and I buy within reason. I used to cover my step-DD activities and tutors, but stopped a few months back since it is really my DH's responsibility. I cover our two bio children daycare expenses out my own paycheck (my DH does not contribute at all) as well their other expenses--clothes, doctor co-pays, and activities. My DH does not contribute a dime from his income towards our bio-kids. He pretty much provides the roof over our head (4k mortgage), pays car insurance, electricity/gas, and trash removal. I also make car payments on all three cars, my step-DD drives one of them. I have been handed a really crappy deal and can't wait until step--DD is off to college!

I'm PP and it sounds like we are not at all in the same boat. I went into this marriage assuming we were equal partners in our household, which meant caring equally for my stepchild. I don't resent it, in my mind it was part of the deal in marrying DH and the least I could do considering DH's ex can barely care for herself much less contribute meaningfully to the upkeep of her child. My relationship with my stepchild isn't perfect, but I married DH and became a parent albeit step-, so I fully believe I have some responsibility to this child.

Knowing I provided for a child in my care. Knowing I did the right thing at the right time. I don't ask myself what's in it for me when I provide for my bio child either. She could grow up and we could have a horrible relationship and I could die alone in a nursing home. Does that mean I wasted my money raising her?


But if you and DH divorce, whats in it for you to have done all this?

DO. We do it because it is the right thing to do to provide for children of the family.

[Anonymous]

I wonder how different the responses would be from the men. I think it's more socially acceptable for men to draw financial boundaries- it is expected that they do. In fact, men have an easier time remarrying than women because of such expectations.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you really think that in the previous post you cited, it was reasonable for the dad and stepmom to shower the half siblings with expensive gifts while the poster, her sister, and their kids sit and watch for hours?

That goes beyond spending unequal amounts, that’s being assholes.

Fine to keep finances separate, spend more on your own kids/grandkids, but don’t rub it in anyone’s face.

My widowed FIL remarried and he thinks it’s the wife’s job to take care of gifts. So my DS got to experience going to Toys R Us with them to pick out gifts for HER bio-grandkids, and my daughters got personalized t-shirts with their names spelled wrong. FIL would occasionally pick out expensive STEM gifts for DS that were not age appropriate and nothing for the girls. Some people just suck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how different the responses would be from the men. I think it's more socially acceptable for men to draw financial boundaries- it is expected that they do. In fact, men have an easier time remarrying than women because of such expectations.

I don’t know any men who refuse to financially support their minor stepchildren. In fact, most of the men I know who have stepkids are doing more for them than the biodads are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We merged fInances and had custody of my stepchild, so I paid for essentially 50% of my stepchild’s expenses. Mom spent almost nothing, expecting us to send money to cover everything from groceries to incidentals when stepchild visited during the summer.

I am in the same boat. Bio-mom is not in the picture except for a few visits a year and we cover everything (my DH never filed for child support). I cover my step-DD health insurance/co-pays and we count groceries as general family expense. She tells me what she prefers to eat and I buy within reason. I used to cover my step-DD activities and tutors, but stopped a few months back since it is really my DH's responsibility. I cover our two bio children daycare expenses out my own paycheck (my DH does not contribute at all) as well their other expenses--clothes, doctor co-pays, and activities. My DH does not contribute a dime from his income towards our bio-kids. He pretty much provides the roof over our head (4k mortgage), pays car insurance, electricity/gas, and trash removal. I also make car payments on all three cars, my step-DD drives one of them. I have been handed a really crappy deal and can't wait until step--DD is off to college!

Ok, how do you deal emotionally with this one-sided arrangement? I think this is what the OP is getting at. It's a recipe for resentment.

I only have to deal with it for another 1.5 years until step-DD is off to college. I go to therapy and I have iron-clad boundaries set with step-DD and DH on what I will and will not do. My step-DD is rather ungrateful child and thinks the world is owed to her and we need to dance to her tune daily. I feel sad for her at times, due to her parents not doing any actual parenting and her mom not being there for her.

Why isn’t your DH parenting? Did you know he sucked as a dad when you married him? Is he like that with your kids together or do you keep him inline? Wondering if he’s one of those men who stop being emotionally invested in their kids once the mom is no longer sexually available.

He is not a bad parent; he is a bit of a "yes" man and fails at some aspects of parenting.