Stepparents, how much money have you spent on/do you spend on your spouse's children?

[Anonymous]

We have merged finances, although I do earn about 3/4 of the income. DSS is now in college and we pay 80% of his tuition as well as room and board. I hate to say it to a previous poster, but it’s actually become harder in ways now that’s he’s older. I wouldn’t say I go so far as resent, but I do have different ideas on appropriate levels of support, and not having equal input can be frustrating. For example, DSS is supposed to earn his own money outside of necessities ... but DH is much laxer about giving spending money for meals out, leisure activities, etc. It does get kind of old feeling like I’m being a stereotypical cheap evil stepmom (not that that’s been said - but it’s always the subtext when we disagree) when we are paying more than $70,000 a year and covering a lot of extras already. (Like we pay for car insurance and maintenance, but not gas. We bought a subway pass but aren’t paying for random Uber’s. We paid for unlimited meal plan, but not lunches out) DH is much more likely to approve these random expenses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We merged fInances and had custody of my stepchild, so I paid for essentially 50% of my stepchild’s expenses. Mom spent almost nothing, expecting us to send money to cover everything from groceries to incidentals when stepchild visited during the summer.

I am in the same boat. Bio-mom is not in the picture except for a few visits a year and we cover everything (my DH never filed for child support). I cover my step-DD health insurance/co-pays and we count groceries as general family expense. She tells me what she prefers to eat and I buy within reason. I used to cover my step-DD activities and tutors, but stopped a few months back since it is really my DH's responsibility. I cover our two bio children daycare expenses out my own paycheck (my DH does not contribute at all) as well their other expenses--clothes, doctor co-pays, and activities. My DH does not contribute a dime from his income towards our bio-kids. He pretty much provides the roof over our head (4k mortgage), pays car insurance, electricity/gas, and trash removal. I also make car payments on all three cars, my step-DD drives one of them. I have been handed a really crappy deal and can't wait until step--DD is off to college!

Why are your finances separate?

The finances were joint for a while and it was not working; my income was being consumed by step-DD expenses for activities/tutors.

You should split the finances. If he is paying the mortgage and other stuff, then split that instead of diving up what you pay for. You make it sound like he pays nothing. He pays the overall things and you pay all the other stuff. You don't need three cars and you can cut back activities if its too much. If Dad doesn't want child in activities, its his kid and stop them. Your health insurance is probably the same amount if you have two other kids on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give 'em nothing. They'll hate you no matter what you do.

That’s so sad. I don’t know who I feel more sorry for: you with your closed off heart or the poor children who had to suffer you.

Ha, I am the one who is suffering, dealing with the ungrateful brats every day.

I agree that you are suffering. It must be horrible harboring such resentment toward the children of the man you love. Please seek professional help.

My suffering will end when DH finally agrees they should be sent to boarding school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give 'em nothing. They'll hate you no matter what you do.

That’s so sad. I don’t know who I feel more sorry for: you with your closed off heart or the poor children who had to suffer you.

Ha, I am the one who is suffering, dealing with the ungrateful brats every day.

I agree that you are suffering. It must be horrible harboring such resentment toward the children of the man you love. Please seek professional help.

My suffering will end when DH finally agrees they should be sent to boarding school.

Story time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have merged finances, although I do earn about 3/4 of the income. DSS is now in college and we pay 80% of his tuition as well as room and board. I hate to say it to a previous poster, but it’s actually become harder in ways now that’s he’s older. I wouldn’t say I go so far as resent, but I do have different ideas on appropriate levels of support, and not having equal input can be frustrating. For example, DSS is supposed to earn his own money outside of necessities ... but DH is much laxer about giving spending money for meals out, leisure activities, etc. It does get kind of old feeling like I’m being a stereotypical cheap evil stepmom (not that that’s been said - but it’s always the subtext when we disagree) when we are paying more than $70,000 a year and covering a lot of extras already. (Like we pay for car insurance and maintenance, but not gas. We bought a subway pass but aren’t paying for random Uber’s. We paid for unlimited meal plan, but not lunches out) DH is much more likely to approve these random expenses.

I couldn't put up with that. I am respectful and civil with DW's children, but I don't think their college tuition is my responsibility. They eat the food I put in the fridge and that is that. I actually think it's better to be cheap and petty. Are you saving for retirement PP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We merged fInances and had custody of my stepchild, so I paid for essentially 50% of my stepchild’s expenses. Mom spent almost nothing, expecting us to send money to cover everything from groceries to incidentals when stepchild visited during the summer.

I am in the same boat. Bio-mom is not in the picture except for a few visits a year and we cover everything (my DH never filed for child support). I cover my step-DD health insurance/co-pays and we count groceries as general family expense. She tells me what she prefers to eat and I buy within reason. I used to cover my step-DD activities and tutors, but stopped a few months back since it is really my DH's responsibility. I cover our two bio children daycare expenses out my own paycheck (my DH does not contribute at all) as well their other expenses--clothes, doctor co-pays, and activities. My DH does not contribute a dime from his income towards our bio-kids. He pretty much provides the roof over our head (4k mortgage), pays car insurance, electricity/gas, and trash removal. I also make car payments on all three cars, my step-DD drives one of them. I have been handed a really crappy deal and can't wait until step--DD is off to college!

Ok, how do you deal emotionally with this one-sided arrangement? I think this is what the OP is getting at. It's a recipe for resentment.

I only have to deal with it for another 1.5 years until step-DD is off to college. I go to therapy and I have iron-clad boundaries set with step-DD and DH on what I will and will not do. My step-DD is rather ungrateful child and thinks the world is owed to her and we need to dance to her tune daily. I feel sad for her at times, due to her parents not doing any actual parenting and her mom not being there for her.

Are you concerned that your DH has checked out, PP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We merged fInances and had custody of my stepchild, so I paid for essentially 50% of my stepchild’s expenses. Mom spent almost nothing, expecting us to send money to cover everything from groceries to incidentals when stepchild visited during the summer.

I am in the same boat. Bio-mom is not in the picture except for a few visits a year and we cover everything (my DH never filed for child support). I cover my step-DD health insurance/co-pays and we count groceries as general family expense. She tells me what she prefers to eat and I buy within reason. I used to cover my step-DD activities and tutors, but stopped a few months back since it is really my DH's responsibility. I cover our two bio children daycare expenses out my own paycheck (my DH does not contribute at all) as well their other expenses--clothes, doctor co-pays, and activities. My DH does not contribute a dime from his income towards our bio-kids. He pretty much provides the roof over our head (4k mortgage), pays car insurance, electricity/gas, and trash removal. I also make car payments on all three cars, my step-DD drives one of them. I have been handed a really crappy deal and can't wait until step--DD is off to college!

Do you guys split every single expense?

It sounds exhausting to live like that. It much easier to merge finances. No matter how you slice it there is no keeping money separate once you get married - hopefully you figure this out before the divorce.

[Anonymous]

The stepparents sound like the children here with the nickel and diming and unfairness of it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have merged finances, although I do earn about 3/4 of the income. DSS is now in college and we pay 80% of his tuition as well as room and board. I hate to say it to a previous poster, but it’s actually become harder in ways now that’s he’s older. I wouldn’t say I go so far as resent, but I do have different ideas on appropriate levels of support, and not having equal input can be frustrating. For example, DSS is supposed to earn his own money outside of necessities ... but DH is much laxer about giving spending money for meals out, leisure activities, etc. It does get kind of old feeling like I’m being a stereotypical cheap evil stepmom (not that that’s been said - but it’s always the subtext when we disagree) when we are paying more than $70,000 a year and covering a lot of extras already. (Like we pay for car insurance and maintenance, but not gas. We bought a subway pass but aren’t paying for random Uber’s. We paid for unlimited meal plan, but not lunches out) DH is much more likely to approve these random expenses.

I couldn't put up with that. I am respectful and civil with DW's children, but I don't think their college tuition is my responsibility. They eat the food I put in the fridge and that is that. I actually think it's better to be cheap and petty. Are you saving for retirement PP?

You are not responsible but why marry a woman whose kids you hate. You sound terrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The stepparents sound like the children here with the nickel and diming and unfairness of it all.

It depends no the situation. My husband paid sizable child support that was a large portion of his income so anything extra like attorney fees or plane tickets would come out of my income. I'd buy and send the kids home with clothing as Mom refused to buy the kids more than a few things. Kids finally admitted she'd throw out the stuff we got but finally buy the kids a bit more so it was technically a win for the kids. If kids are living in your home and you agree to it via marriage, I don't get the hostility and all kids should be treated the same. Its a bit different when they are not in the home and child support is paid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have merged finances, although I do earn about 3/4 of the income. DSS is now in college and we pay 80% of his tuition as well as room and board. I hate to say it to a previous poster, but it’s actually become harder in ways now that’s he’s older. I wouldn’t say I go so far as resent, but I do have different ideas on appropriate levels of support, and not having equal input can be frustrating. For example, DSS is supposed to earn his own money outside of necessities ... but DH is much laxer about giving spending money for meals out, leisure activities, etc. It does get kind of old feeling like I’m being a stereotypical cheap evil stepmom (not that that’s been said - but it’s always the subtext when we disagree) when we are paying more than $70,000 a year and covering a lot of extras already. (Like we pay for car insurance and maintenance, but not gas. We bought a subway pass but aren’t paying for random Uber’s. We paid for unlimited meal plan, but not lunches out) DH is much more likely to approve these random expenses.

I couldn't put up with that. I am respectful and civil with DW's children, but I don't think their college tuition is my responsibility. They eat the food I put in the fridge and that is that. I actually think it's better to be cheap and petty. Are you saving for retirement PP?

You are not responsible but why marry a woman whose kids you hate. You sound terrible.

I don't hate them, but I don't see why I should pay for their expenses like college and extracurriculars. If DW and I hadn't met, she would have to handle those with her ex anyway. I don't like to feel used.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We merged fInances and had custody of my stepchild, so I paid for essentially 50% of my stepchild’s expenses. Mom spent almost nothing, expecting us to send money to cover everything from groceries to incidentals when stepchild visited during the summer.

I am in the same boat. Bio-mom is not in the picture except for a few visits a year and we cover everything (my DH never filed for child support). I cover my step-DD health insurance/co-pays and we count groceries as general family expense. She tells me what she prefers to eat and I buy within reason. I used to cover my step-DD activities and tutors, but stopped a few months back since it is really my DH's responsibility. I cover our two bio children daycare expenses out my own paycheck (my DH does not contribute at all) as well their other expenses--clothes, doctor co-pays, and activities. My DH does not contribute a dime from his income towards our bio-kids. He pretty much provides the roof over our head (4k mortgage), pays car insurance, electricity/gas, and trash removal. I also make car payments on all three cars, my step-DD drives one of them. I have been handed a really crappy deal and can't wait until step--DD is off to college!

Do you guys split every single expense?

It sounds exhausting to live like that. It much easier to merge finances. No matter how you slice it there is no keeping money separate once you get married - hopefully you figure this out before the divorce.

NP. It doesn't sound like the PP is splitting expenses. It sounds like she's paying for EVERYTHING while her husband gets off scot-free. He doesn't contribute to their children together, but she pays towards his daughter??? Tell me that doesn't rub you the wrong way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give 'em nothing. They'll hate you no matter what you do.

That’s so sad. I don’t know who I feel more sorry for: you with your closed off heart or the poor children who had to suffer you.

Ha, I am the one who is suffering, dealing with the ungrateful brats every day.

Then you and your wife failed as parents and something needs to change in the home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give 'em nothing. They'll hate you no matter what you do.

That’s so sad. I don’t know who I feel more sorry for: you with your closed off heart or the poor children who had to suffer you.

Ha, I am the one who is suffering, dealing with the ungrateful brats every day.

Then you and your wife failed as parents and something needs to change in the home.

I thought the PP was a woman?

[Anonymous]

This is incredibly sad. If you think the kids are brats and will never love you, shouldn't have married into that. If you marry someone who treats your kids as the other, you shouldn't have married that either.

My mom grew up in a divorced family and her step mom was incredibly abusive. The half-siblings never bonded. It's drama till this day over all kinds of things. I think there's nothing worse in the world than bad parents (including step parents). That's how we end up with so much evil.

I'm divorced now too. I will never remarry if it means having a man nickle and dime how we raise my DC and if he treats them as someone else's kids and doesn't take them on as part of me.