Wife sacrificed career for kids/husband wants her to make more money

[Anonymous]

Wow!

Some women have to become WOHMs because their life situation is really shitty. I think in another thread someone was bemoaning that they are not in a realationship and have not had sex as frequently as they wanted. Well, better that then this crap!

[Anonymous]

You went to your lawyer for marriage advice. I am going to say that your children are almost certainly better off with someone else raising them. Hire a nanny, send them to live with relatives, and don’t get them back until you see how messed up that is.

[Anonymous]

Just approach your life like you are a single mom, because you effectively are a single mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You went to your lawyer for marriage advice. I am going to say that your children are almost certainly better off with someone else raising them. Hire a nanny, send them to live with relatives, and don’t get them back until you see how messed up that is.

No, it is pretty clear that she senses he is planning a divorce and getting her back to work is part of cutting HIS liability. She does need legal advice.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

To clarify, our kids are 2 and 5. One is in elementary school. I work as a consultant and started doing this last year as we both agreed that working a regular full time job will not be possible for me precisely because he works so much. We make a fair amount of money. Our daughter is in private school, which requires the volunteer work.

My career is built on work overseas and with this administration, there has been a significant cut in the international affairs market, several non profits have had to reign in expenses and lay off staff. My added struggle is that when I see a job that matches my background, it requires significant travel and/or long hours , which again would require more than just getting a Nanny. He makes a decent amount and that is also because he has a high demand job with a lot of hours. I worked in non profit so it was apparent early on, in addition to the anger issues, that I handle most of the child care taking. It was not what I anticipated. I actually thought he would be helping but instead I got an angry man lurking in the background and exploding when I couldn’t get the baby to stop crying. It was awful, but he did get better when she was around two and a half and out of diapers. That was also around the first time I left him alone with her.

The medical problems he has are beyond anxiety and I rather not write here what they are but they did require significant treatment that would not allow us to have kids later. Right or wrong our second is here.

I left my career because I was able to telework that first year I came back but afterwards, my main project was ramping up and my boss requested that I stop telecommuting and also, with my project ramping up, I would have to travel overseas often. Again, I thought it would be possible but not after he started with his anger issues after we had the baby. Our Moms both had already come when I had trips overseas to help with the baby but my big project requires 2-3 weeks away. I could see that something was going to give so before failing on the job and getting fired, we agreed I resign, take a break, and try to find something that is more family friendly.

We live near a metro stop and about 55 minutes of a ride into downtown DC. It makes it difficult to get back in time to pick up the girls in time. I’ve looked where we live but not successful. The work in my field is in DC. I’ve tried of other random jobs, and even with a pay cut, haven’t had much luck, since my background doesn’t match well or I have had this pause in my career.

Thanks to all for your feedback. I truly appreciate it. Even the hurtful posts are eye opening. I asked how others manage and appreciate the detailed responses. You have lit a fire under me and believe me, I miss throwing on a suit, I miss running meetings, I miss guiding junior staff, and most importantly, I miss the feeling of making a positive difference in the world.


Lastly, got it. Making my personal plan to prepare. Hoping for the best, though expecting the worst. Thanks again to each of you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I built a career that requires frequent travel overseas. When we had our first child, my husband essentially bailed on me and left ALL the care taking on me. It started as early as in the hospital on day two when he had to change the diaper while I was confined to the bed (emergancy c section). I had to rely on the nurses to step up and help instead.

Since then it’s been a rollercoaster. We now have two kids, he’s been to anger management, we’ve had marriage counseling, I talked to a lawyer about my options and decided it’s best to try and make it work. He also has severe anxiety so now on pills to calm him. I quit my job because it was impossible for me to balance halnding the baby 100% alone and manage my workload. It’s now been several year, we have two kids, and I’ve tried to work as a consultant but not getting enough gigs. I’m still expected to be there when they are sick, have dentist or doctor appointments, volunteer at school, be home when their schools are closed etc..

I have no idea how I can manage going back to work full time yet he is telling me I have to. I want to scream because he has no clue all that I do to manage the house and kids. He still will not change diapers. I have to insist he does it to help me on the weekends, along with other general caretakeking. It is draining and I dread me getting a job, having to take a ton of days off of work, and eventually getting fired.

How the heck to other working Moms manage? Also, we have no family in town. It’s just us two and he works a ton of hours, including the weekends.

He has spoken to an attorney as well. He's been advised well. File for divorce before getting a job. Divorce is inevitable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First get a divorce and your alimony settlement (he already talked to a lawyer and that’s why he’s pressuring you to get a job) then after it’s final you can seriously start looking for work. Yes, he can get it adjusted after you find work but this will give you the runway you need.

Don't get a job until you divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
How are people having so much trouble understanding OP's situation? I travel a fair bit, and DH works long hours. Both kids are in pre-school, but we also still have their nanny (since older DC was a baby) working FT. She does everything from grocery shopping, to cooking, to laundry in addition to drop-off/pick-up at school. But, when I travel, none of that matters. DH still has to step up and take care of the kids in the evening, often come home earlier than he would normally, take days off work if they and the nanny are both sick (happens), etc. And if you don't believe there are DH's who would simply refuse to those things, then you need to spend more time on DCUM reading threads started by frustrated, unsupported mothers.

Then you wouldn’t have chosen to have a second child and increase your burden.

OP explained why she did this. In retrospect, it doesn't seem like the best decision...but her reasoning wasn't insane. She didn't have a second kid blindly. And regardless, her kids are here now. She needs to figure out how to manage with a DH who simply won't help. As someone who travels for work frequently (though usually short, domestic trips), I'm saying that even an awesome FT nanny who's worked for us for 5 years is not enough. If DH didn't share the parenting load, I could not keep my job.

Lol!!! My beat friend is a widow with absolutely no help. Zero. She has a great nanny and manages a very good white collar job.

You are very easily overwhelmed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First get a divorce and your alimony settlement (he already talked to a lawyer and that’s why he’s pressuring you to get a job) then after it’s final you can seriously start looking for work. Yes, he can get it adjusted after you find work but this will give you the runway you need.

This is what I immediately thought too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First get a divorce and your alimony settlement (he already talked to a lawyer and that’s why he’s pressuring you to get a job) then after it’s final you can seriously start looking for work. Yes, he can get it adjusted after you find work but this will give you the runway you need.

This is what I immediately thought too.

Yes. When I got divorced many years ago it was a benefit that I wasn't working. Seems like they can afford it, and she wants to raise her kids. At least she should wait until both are in school. He sounds awful, but having your kids is a lifesaver. To me your kids are a lot of support.

OP forget him, and keep planning.

[Anonymous]

OP, I read the updates. I think the bottom line is your prior job traveling overseas frequently wasn’t family friendly. Whether you stay married to the spouse that is no help at all or decide to divorce, you need to make your logistical decisions like you are a single mom. If you were a single mom, you would not have your kid in a private school that required all this volunteering unless you had an extremely flexible and /or part-time job. I agreed with the PP that said a man with his back against the wall and strapped for time would not say he has to “volunteer”. If you went the nanny or aupair route you would want to find someone that does light house hold stuff like feeding the kids and helping with their laundry and flex your hours so they aren’t going over the weekly amount. There isn’t much you can do to force another adult to do something but you can make decisions that make your life easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A man with his back against the wall financially and strapped for time would never say he has to "volunteer."

+1. OP has made a series of very bad decisions that got her to this place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP.

I'm stuck too. I came to this country as a dependent on my husband's visa, and am not allowed to work. My career is shot, and I have a husband with severe ADHD who cannot reliably work. My home country has a terrible employment rate right now. What the heck do I do?

Why are you both still here?

[Anonymous]

What in the world was the treatment he got for head injury that was going to impact his fertility? This seems implausible.

[Anonymous]

An Au Pair and housecleaner sounds perfect for you. The 2 year old goes to preschool...Au Pair does mornings and afternoons/early evenings. Housecleaner...cooks, laundry and cleans up 2x a week...order shopping/food for delivery. For Treav, use Au Pair and a regular sitter...my sister uses a college student when she travels and the girls love her.