S/o I dislike dining with “introverts” and people who have nothing to say

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am an introvert and clam up when I cannot get a word in edgewise or when someone starts talking over me or changes the conversation while I am trying to speak.

I recently stopped hanging out with some people because the conversations border on small talk. I am not good at small talk and prefer real and meaningful dialogue with people. I'm not saying small talk is bad, but I'm no good at it.

If like you and you are interesting, we can talk for hours.

But don’t you see that you also have to expend some energy and make an investment in the conversation to make it interesting? I appreciate the frank response, but this is my issue. “If I like you and you are interesting...” well you have to be interesting too! It can’t just be me dropping a bunch of topics and hoping you’ll find one interesting. And sometimes it takes a little work and small talk. No one likes small talk. Of course we all like deep and interesting conversations. But to have this, you have to have opinions and observations, take small risks, tell something personal about yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an introvert and clam up when I cannot get a word in edgewise or when someone starts talking over me or changes the conversation while I am trying to speak.

I recently stopped hanging out with some people because the conversations border on small talk. I am not good at small talk and prefer real and meaningful dialogue with people. I'm not saying small talk is bad, but I'm no good at it.

If like you and you are interesting, we can talk for hours.

But don’t you see that you also have to expend some energy and make an investment in the conversation to make it interesting? I appreciate the frank response, but this is my issue. “If I like you and you are interesting...” well you have to be interesting too! It can’t just be me dropping a bunch of topics and hoping you’ll find one interesting. And sometimes it takes a little work and small talk. No one likes small talk. Of course we all like deep and interesting conversations. But to have this, you have to have opinions and observations, take small risks, tell something personal about yourself.

Sorry and I want to clarify- by personal I don’t mean talking about your sex life or whatever-I mean sharing a story from your personal life or sharing a personal opinion. -OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is getting piled on. But I know what’s she’s talking about. People who make no effort to carry their side of the conversation.

I have a co-worker who comes and stands in the door of my office to “chat”. She then proceeds to stand there and stare at me blankly until I ask her questions about herself. I never wanted to have the conversation to begin with. You are standing in my office. And now you feel no obligation to assist in keeping the convo going??

I can see the same thing at a dinner if there are some long pauses. Some people just always let someone else keep it going.

THIS. I don't get why everyone is piling on OP -- there are people like this and it's freaking annoying. I don't care if you're an introvert or not-- reality is, you're an adult and it's not cute to act like a shy 4th grader or to expect everyone else to entertain you while you contribute exactly 0. I have a cousin like this -- she'll call, say what's up and then basically sit on the phone silent, expecting you to carry the conversation and her expectation is bc we're family, that convo should go on for about an hour! And if you don't do it -- i.e. you've also had a long day, are in no mood to talk to someone giving one word answers while expecting you to regale them with stories and anecdotes, so you chat with yourself for 15 min and say you have to go -- she will then complain to her mama (BTW she's 40+ yrs old, not 7) that you don't care about family and you "give her attitude" -- and then of course in my family the aunt runs to my mom to "tell on me." Uh sweetheart - it isn't a grown adults job to entertain you, no matter how lonely you are and I can see why you're lonely bc family will at least do this sometimes out of obligation, whereas friends and work acquaintances are like -- I'm outta here . . . . I DO feel bad because she is family and is lonely and "chatting" with cousins is her outlet so I do it, but no way I'm doing that for a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you directly inviting her into the conversation? Or are you just talking, talking, talking?

I'm on the introvert/extrovert border. I can carry a conversation when others seem more shy/reserved/uncomfortable. I can speak to a room full of people, easily, without nerves.

But sometimes, it's hard to get a word in, and after a few attempts, I sit back and let the big personalities go to it. They interrupt me, and each other. On nights like that, I set the example by not interrupting others or dominating the conversation. Some big talkers ask a question and answer it themselves! It is SO annoying and rude.

If you make an effort, and they still clam up, that's one thing. But if you don't give others a chance to speak, you're the boor-ing one, even if they are boring.

Are you dining with the cast of The View or something? There are no “big personalities” where guests have to be invited into the conversation. It’s dinner with friends. There are breaks in the conversation. Share an anecdote.

Except when there aren't breaks in the conversation. Except when people just literally do not let others talk, or share anecdotes. I have an anecdote ready, start to tell it, get interrupted, and 5 minutes later, my contribution isn't relevant anymore.

Really. Take. A. Breath.

-np

NP
yup!!!
I recently hosted a birthday party for my daughter and couldn't get a word in at my own home. three women - two of whom I never met before - were going on and on and on about the most boring stuff ever. as an example, one mom spent a year in Europe several years ago and talked about it all the time, like it was yesterday. meanwhile I am actually from Europe and go there all the time and my kids are bilingual. some people just won't let others talk. and I am not going to fight with them.

Oh gosh exactly. Exactly. And the moment you dip a toe in the convo they lower their shields and charge forward- argh!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an introvert and clam up when I cannot get a word in edgewise or when someone starts talking over me or changes the conversation while I am trying to speak.

I recently stopped hanging out with some people because the conversations border on small talk. I am not good at small talk and prefer real and meaningful dialogue with people. I'm not saying small talk is bad, but I'm no good at it.

If like you and you are interesting, we can talk for hours.

But don’t you see that you also have to expend some energy and make an investment in the conversation to make it interesting? I appreciate the frank response, but this is my issue. “If I like you and you are interesting...” well you have to be interesting too! It can’t just be me dropping a bunch of topics and hoping you’ll find one interesting. And sometimes it takes a little work and small talk. No one likes small talk. Of course we all like deep and interesting conversations. But to have this, you have to have opinions and observations, take small risks, tell something personal about yourself.

Sorry and I want to clarify- by personal I don’t mean talking about your sex life or whatever-I mean sharing a story from your personal life or sharing a personal opinion. -OP

“Hey! I am a witty and cool extrovert. Let me prove it by oversharing immediately with things that make you uncomfortable! Because I am so urbane and sophisticated!”

Also some extroverts and their fellows mean girl the hell out of people who simply communicate differently or have a different personality. It’s rare to find an extrovert that’s not a raging narcissist with control issues. But the truly kind and witty extroverts I’ve met are worth their weight in gold.

[Anonymous]

My experience as an introvert is with a group of several extroverts I can’t get a word in.

[Anonymous]

Extreme extroverts are way more annoying than extreme introverts. Introverts don’t give you a headache, at least.

It’s OK to let a few points of conversation go by without weighing in. Pause and let someone else talk!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is getting piled on. But I know what’s she’s talking about. People who make no effort to carry their side of the conversation.

I have a co-worker who comes and stands in the door of my office to “chat”. She then proceeds to stand there and stare at me blankly until I ask her questions about herself. I never wanted to have the conversation to begin with. You are standing in my office. And now you feel no obligation to assist in keeping the convo going??

I can see the same thing at a dinner if there are some long pauses. Some people just always let someone else keep it going.

THIS. I don't get why everyone is piling on OP -- there are people like this and it's freaking annoying. I don't care if you're an introvert or not-- reality is, you're an adult and it's not cute to act like a shy 4th grader or to expect everyone else to entertain you while you contribute exactly 0. I have a cousin like this -- she'll call, say what's up and then basically sit on the phone silent, expecting you to carry the conversation and her expectation is bc we're family, that convo should go on for about an hour! And if you don't do it -- i.e. you've also had a long day, are in no mood to talk to someone giving one word answers while expecting you to regale them with stories and anecdotes, so you chat with yourself for 15 min and say you have to go -- she will then complain to her mama (BTW she's 40+ yrs old, not 7) that you don't care about family and you "give her attitude" -- and then of course in my family the aunt runs to my mom to "tell on me." Uh sweetheart - it isn't a grown adults job to entertain you, no matter how lonely you are and I can see why you're lonely bc family will at least do this sometimes out of obligation, whereas friends and work acquaintances are like -- I'm outta here . . . . I DO feel bad because she is family and is lonely and "chatting" with cousins is her outlet so I do it, but no way I'm doing that for a friend.

But that behavior does not describe the typical introvert. That’s just a weirdo family member (whom you happen to share genes with).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an introvert and clam up when I cannot get a word in edgewise or when someone starts talking over me or changes the conversation while I am trying to speak.

I recently stopped hanging out with some people because the conversations border on small talk. I am not good at small talk and prefer real and meaningful dialogue with people. I'm not saying small talk is bad, but I'm no good at it.

If like you and you are interesting, we can talk for hours.

But don’t you see that you also have to expend some energy and make an investment in the conversation to make it interesting? I appreciate the frank response, but this is my issue. “If I like you and you are interesting...” well you have to be interesting too! It can’t just be me dropping a bunch of topics and hoping you’ll find one interesting. And sometimes it takes a little work and small talk. No one likes small talk. Of course we all like deep and interesting conversations. But to have this, you have to have opinions and observations, take small risks, tell something personal about yourself.

Sorry and I want to clarify- by personal I don’t mean talking about your sex life or whatever-I mean sharing a story from your personal life or sharing a personal opinion. -OP

“Hey! I am a witty and cool extrovert. Let me prove it by oversharing immediately with things that make you uncomfortable! Because I am so urbane and sophisticated!”

Also some extroverts and their fellows mean girl the hell out of people who simply communicate differently or have a different personality. It’s rare to find an extrovert that’s not a raging narcissist with control issues. But the truly kind and witty extroverts I’ve met are worth their weight in gold.

Yes, so true! I’m married to an extreme extrovert and he would never put down someone because they are quiet in a group of extroverts. If anything, he goes out of his way to get to know them and all their introvert “secrets.” I have another extremely extroverted friend that’s like this- she appreciates differences in people, not bully and put them down simply for being quiet.

[Anonymous]

I think OP is just mad her introvert “friend” has no interest in her gossipy antics.

[Anonymous]

Gah! Being shy, quiet, or reticent is not introversion, people! Introverts are people who need a lot of alone time. They can be as gregarious as anyone a party, but then they need time alone to reenergize.

[Anonymous]

I am a large introvert. I never have any issues...all you have to do is ask the extroverts questions about themselves. Done and done.

[Anonymous]

I’m an extrovert, but if I don’t know you well and you start off with gossip and prying, I clam up. Not exactly a great first impression!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m an extrovert, but if I don’t know you well and you start off with gossip and prying, I clam up. Not exactly a great first impression!

esp. if they, like OP, expect you to be "vulnerable" and share secrets about yourself! I'd clam up too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m an extrovert, but if I don’t know you well and you start off with gossip and prying, I clam up. Not exactly a great first impression!

esp. if they, like OP, expect you to be "vulnerable" and share secrets about yourself! I'd clam up too.

You don’t get what I mean. To be vulnerable in a conversation is to have opinions, take a risk on a story, share something you think is funny or interesting. Sure it is easier to sit there and be quiet. It takes a little risk to be interesting. For example, I was in Texas and having lunch with a family friend of a friend. I didn’t know her but I loved talking to her. At one point she asked me “do you see the President all the time in DC, that would be so cool!” in kind of a star gaze way. A question like that takes risk. That person is willing to be vulnerable . She’s not afraid if it is a dumb question, she’s not concerned what people think of her. She’s just a person willing to take a risk in a conversation. We talked about her lularoe business, her kids, etc and it was awesome and interesting because she was willing to take these little risks on various topics. I respect people like that!