Reply to Help me navigate this type of argument or response with my DH

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, take this for what it's worth.  I'm a marriage therapist and I've been married for 30 years.

It doesn't matter what your husband is doing, you are the one that needs to change because he may never change.

First piece of advice - pick up the mugs yourself and put them in the sink.  Don't want to do that?  Okay, then be prepared to have this discussion about dirty mugs for another 20 years.  This is so easy for you to just take care of, who cares if it's "your" job or "his" job.

Second, if you are going to make an issue of the mugs just use a few words, no need to go on and on since you've probably had this conversation a hundred times.

"I would really appreciate it if you would put your mugs in the sink."

End of discussion.  He can retort with whatever he'd like, just say "mmm hmmm" and keep on moving through your day.

Same with the lights example.

The money thing - I believe if their is enough money for the essentials then nobody has any  business telling anybody else how to spend money.  Again, you may disagree but you wouldn't like it if it was done to you.

And my last piece of advice, stop watching everything he does and says, he's allowed to not be perfect and so are you. Let it go.[/quote]

I have to say that you must not be a good therapist.  Someone has an issue with their partner and your first piece of advice is to just accept it and work around it (pick up mugs yourself)?  Shouldn't you be giving advice on how to better communicate with your partner?  I mean other posters are saying "go to therapy to learn to communicate better."  If they went to you, you'd just say to not bring it up and do it yourself  - basically "just deal with it."  Bad advice.

Second - and this is just advice to you (take it or leave it, but I've been to therapy for years and years with different therapists) but when a client is giving you an example of something that bothers her, don't assume absolutes.  Your last piece of advice is predicated on an assumption that they're watching everything he does and says.  Bad assumption and a dangerous one for a therapist to make.

Maybe take come continuing education courses or something to freshen up your skills.[/quote]

Not everyone is going to like what I advise. They want to continue doing what they've been doing and hope their partner will magically change. If you want things to change then you have to do it. Pick up the damn mugs. They aren't bothering him, they're bothering you. He isn't leaving them there because he doesn't love you or care about your needs, he's leaving them there because cleaning them up isn't important to him. Be angry about it forever or decide to let it go, he's got 10,000 traits and 100 of them will suck. Try to put it in perspective.

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