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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I met my BF through work.  We were friends for a year and after I found another job we stayed in touch.  After that we dated for a few months and became BF/GF 6 months ago.  It's serious and we have met each others friends and family.  There are currently no plans to live together and marriage is something way down the line.  I am very happy with him except I see one major red flag.  His family is still close with his ex wife and they don't even have children.  They divorced 3 years ago and did not part on good terms but she still kept in touch with his family.

I am not a jealous person and don't want to be controlling but this dynamic gets on my last nerve.  What makes it even worse is that she moved away after the divorce and she moved back and everyone is now living in the same city.  BF's identical twin brother posts pictures of her on his social media when they go clubbing together with their group of friends.  His parents have dinner with her.  I know of 2 instances and she has been back in town less than a month.  I realize she has been gone a long time and everyone is happy to see her but I don't want this woman in my orbit.  I asked my BF if this bothers him and he said no.  He said he knows it might be awkward but he can't control his brother and parents.  They have their own separate relationship with her that does not involve him.  Here is the part that really upset me.  He told me not to make an issue of it with his parents and brother.  It would only make them mad and they will never give up their relationship with his ex wife for my sake and I will have to get use to it.

This really bothers me but I have been told point blank not to bring it up and get use to it.  For the first time in our relationship I am having second thoughts about our relationship.  I keep asking myself what am I getting myself into.  I have never even met this woman and she is already causing trouble just by being around.  Any advice?[/quote]

I can see why it bothers you, but it's not going to change. His family can have a relationship with anyone they choose and talking with them is only going to alienate you and make you look controlling and nuts.

I don't think your BF is being mean to you in any way by telling you to "get used to it." I think he is warning you of what the response will be and the trouble you will cause by making this an issue.

I assume this angst is coming from two or three thoughts:

1. Your BF is secretly still in love with his ex
2. His family wants BF to dump you and get back together with ex
3. His family is not interested in bonding with you and prefers ex

You can only directly deal with item one by leaving the relationship if you believe it's true. Two and three are completely beyond you ability to control and any effort to do so is going to make you look bad. [/quote]

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