I was given a huge reality check about my failed marriage

[Anonymous]

For better or for worse.
For richer or for poorer.
In sickness and in health.

Til death do us part.

- signed, grownups

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. There’s a lot of women on this thread who are going to wake up one day and be shocked that their marriages collapsed and will blame everyone but never look into their own role. Focusing on your spouse doesn’t mean becoming a sex-slave in high heels in pearls, but making time to put the baby down, talk about something else, and remaining connected as a couple. In this age of competitive parenting it is mostly the women making themselves nuts about feeding and napping schedules, freaking out about any sitters ever, and focusing the entire family life on the kid. When I first had my kid, it drove me nuts when DH wasn’t worrying about doing things “the right way” and was just getting things done in a haphazard way and “forgetting” about the plan and schedules. However, a few months in, I realized that he was actually taking a healthier appproach and we were more than simply parents to a baby human. Things got done, the kid was happy and healthy, and parents kept their connection.

OP, I wish you the best in the future -you were not at fault, but congrats to you for thinking about how you might use relationship skills differently in the future.

This is the opposite of what I see with strong marriages.

What I find is that every marriage has a time where you can't "focus on their spouse". Like, infant/toddlers, death of a parent, child with cancer, loss of a job (men are the worse with this), cancer, depression, deployed overseas..... you name it. There is a time in your life that your spouse will not "focus on you". The good marriages are running marathons. They keep their eye on the prize and don't let their little feeling get hurt when the going gets rough.

There is not 1 marriage that does not have tough times. If you want to cut and run and "blame the rough times" go for it. But there is no life without hard times. It's the people that can cope and deal with these times without blaming their spouse that have the strongest marriage.

I was a huge fan of the West Wing, and having worked in the national security field, I completely got what Leo McGarry was telling his wife when he told her: "What I am doin right now, is more important than my marriage right now." It wasn't forever, but she chose to bail anyway instead of supporting him in the "most important thing" he was doing in his career.

My friend is a pediatric heart surgeon and she missed something at her child's school... the teacher asked where is your mom and he said "a baby has a hole in his heart and she had to fix it this morning"... that's a sobering perspective.

Sometimes you can't volunteer
Sometimes you can't stroke your spouses ego
Sometimes you can't treat your souse like an princess

It's okay, life happens, move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For better or for worse.
For richer or for poorer.
In sickness and in health.

Til death do us part.

- signed, grownups

Where does abuse fit in there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. There’s a lot of women on this thread who are going to wake up one day and be shocked that their marriages collapsed and will blame everyone but never look into their own role. Focusing on your spouse doesn’t mean becoming a sex-slave in high heels in pearls, but making time to put the baby down, talk about something else, and remaining connected as a couple. In this age of competitive parenting it is mostly the women making themselves nuts about feeding and napping schedules, freaking out about any sitters ever, and focusing the entire family life on the kid. When I first had my kid, it drove me nuts when DH wasn’t worrying about doing things “the right way” and was just getting things done in a haphazard way and “forgetting” about the plan and schedules. However, a few months in, I realized that he was actually taking a healthier appproach and we were more than simply parents to a baby human. Things got done, the kid was happy and healthy, and parents kept their connection.

OP, I wish you the best in the future -you were not at fault, but congrats to you for thinking about how you might use relationship skills differently in the future.

This is the opposite of what I see with strong marriages.

What I find is that every marriage has a time where you can't "focus on their spouse". Like, infant/toddlers, death of a parent, child with cancer, loss of a job (men are the worse with this), cancer, depression, deployed overseas..... you name it. There is a time in your life that your spouse will not "focus on you". The good marriages are running marathons. They keep their eye on the prize and don't let their little feeling get hurt when the going gets rough.

There is not 1 marriage that does not have tough times. If you want to cut and run and "blame the rough times" go for it. But there is no life without hard times. It's the people that can cope and deal with these times without blaming their spouse that have the strongest marriage.

I was a huge fan of the West Wing, and having worked in the national security field, I completely got what Leo McGarry was telling his wife when he told her: "What I am doin right now, is more important than my marriage right now." It wasn't forever, but she chose to bail anyway instead of supporting him in the "most important thing" he was doing in his career.

My friend is a pediatric heart surgeon and she missed something at her child's school... the teacher asked where is your mom and he said "a baby has a hole in his heart and she had to fix it this morning"... that's a sobering perspective.

Sometimes you can't volunteer
Sometimes you can't stroke your spouses ego
Sometimes you can't treat your souse like an princess

It's okay, life happens, move on.

+1 it is so unhealthy and unrealistic for a partner to demand to be your number 1 priority all of the time. We all go through phases where something else needs to be our focus. If you can't handle that, you need to get yourself some help because you are messed up. Did I flip my lid when DH was studying for the bar exam? No, because I'm a grown up. Did he lose it because I was more focused on our daughter when she was an infant? No because it was for a short period of time.

Over the course of our marriage, I definitely average out to be his top priority and vice versa. That's our focus, that over the long haul we prioritize each other. Not that I am his number 1 priority and sole focus at 10 AM on any given Tuesday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. There’s a lot of women on this thread who are going to wake up one day and be shocked that their marriages collapsed and will blame everyone but never look into their own role. Focusing on your spouse doesn’t mean becoming a sex-slave in high heels in pearls, but making time to put the baby down, talk about something else, and remaining connected as a couple. In this age of competitive parenting it is mostly the women making themselves nuts about feeding and napping schedules, freaking out about any sitters ever, and focusing the entire family life on the kid. When I first had my kid, it drove me nuts when DH wasn’t worrying about doing things “the right way” and was just getting things done in a haphazard way and “forgetting” about the plan and schedules. However, a few months in, I realized that he was actually taking a healthier appproach and we were more than simply parents to a baby human. Things got done, the kid was happy and healthy, and parents kept their connection.

OP, I wish you the best in the future -you were not at fault, but congrats to you for thinking about how you might use relationship skills differently in the future.

Thank you for posting this. As a single mom who dates, and understands how hectic the early years can be, I realize how important it is to nurture all aspects of your life.

I have to agree with this, too. Of course it's not on her that her husband cheated--he was (is) a self-centered dick for doing that. But the underlying message here is still valid--we (meaning both partners) have to not totally lose our focus on the marriage and on ourselves. I always cringe when I read new mothers talking about how they don't have time to shower, or dress nicely, or anything like that. It's not just for your spouse, but it will also make you feel better. You can put the baby down for 5 minutes, even if he/she cries. Take care of yourself. Good enough is the just that--nothing is perfect, and we'll screw it up along the way anyhow (parenting). When your kids hit their teens or adulthood, it's almost comical how much we worried about the right pacifier, screen time, preschools, no sugar, whatever. Do the best you can and make sure you have a happy marriage, too--that's incredibly important both to you and your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. There’s a lot of women on this thread who are going to wake up one day and be shocked that their marriages collapsed and will blame everyone but never look into their own role. Focusing on your spouse doesn’t mean becoming a sex-slave in high heels in pearls, but making time to put the baby down, talk about something else, and remaining connected as a couple. In this age of competitive parenting it is mostly the women making themselves nuts about feeding and napping schedules, freaking out about any sitters ever, and focusing the entire family life on the kid. When I first had my kid, it drove me nuts when DH wasn’t worrying about doing things “the right way” and was just getting things done in a haphazard way and “forgetting” about the plan and schedules. However, a few months in, I realized that he was actually taking a healthier appproach and we were more than simply parents to a baby human. Things got done, the kid was happy and healthy, and parents kept their connection.

OP, I wish you the best in the future -you were not at fault, but congrats to you for thinking about how you might use relationship skills differently in the future.

This is the opposite of what I see with strong marriages.

What I find is that every marriage has a time where you can't "focus on their spouse". Like, infant/toddlers, death of a parent, child with cancer, loss of a job (men are the worse with this), cancer, depression, deployed overseas..... you name it. There is a time in your life that your spouse will not "focus on you". The good marriages are running marathons. They keep their eye on the prize and don't let their little feeling get hurt when the going gets rough.

There is not 1 marriage that does not have tough times. If you want to cut and run and "blame the rough times" go for it. But there is no life without hard times. It's the people that can cope and deal with these times without blaming their spouse that have the strongest marriage.

I was a huge fan of the West Wing, and having worked in the national security field, I completely got what Leo McGarry was telling his wife when he told her: "What I am doin right now, is more important than my marriage right now." It wasn't forever, but she chose to bail anyway instead of supporting him in the "most important thing" he was doing in his career.

My friend is a pediatric heart surgeon and she missed something at her child's school... the teacher asked where is your mom and he said "a baby has a hole in his heart and she had to fix it this morning"... that's a sobering perspective.

Sometimes you can't volunteer
Sometimes you can't stroke your spouses ego
Sometimes you can't treat your souse like an princess

It's okay, life happens, move on.

+1 it is so unhealthy and unrealistic for a partner to demand to be your number 1 priority all of the time. We all go through phases where something else needs to be our focus. If you can't handle that, you need to get yourself some help because you are messed up. Did I flip my lid when DH was studying for the bar exam? No, because I'm a grown up. Did he lose it because I was more focused on our daughter when she was an infant? No because it was for a short period of time.

Over the course of our marriage, I definitely average out to be his top priority and vice versa. That's our focus, that over the long haul we prioritize each other. Not that I am his number 1 priority and sole focus at 10 AM on any given Tuesday.

More focused is one thing, completely focused to the exclusion of ________ is a problem. I think we can all agree that there's a difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. There’s a lot of women on this thread who are going to wake up one day and be shocked that their marriages collapsed and will blame everyone but never look into their own role. Focusing on your spouse doesn’t mean becoming a sex-slave in high heels in pearls, but making time to put the baby down, talk about something else, and remaining connected as a couple. In this age of competitive parenting it is mostly the women making themselves nuts about feeding and napping schedules, freaking out about any sitters ever, and focusing the entire family life on the kid. When I first had my kid, it drove me nuts when DH wasn’t worrying about doing things “the right way” and was just getting things done in a haphazard way and “forgetting” about the plan and schedules. However, a few months in, I realized that he was actually taking a healthier appproach and we were more than simply parents to a baby human. Things got done, the kid was happy and healthy, and parents kept their connection.

OP, I wish you the best in the future -you were not at fault, but congrats to you for thinking about how you might use relationship skills differently in the future.

This is the opposite of what I see with strong marriages.

What I find is that every marriage has a time where you can't "focus on their spouse". Like, infant/toddlers, death of a parent, child with cancer, loss of a job (men are the worse with this), cancer, depression, deployed overseas..... you name it. There is a time in your life that your spouse will not "focus on you". The good marriages are running marathons. They keep their eye on the prize and don't let their little feeling get hurt when the going gets rough.

There is not 1 marriage that does not have tough times. If you want to cut and run and "blame the rough times" go for it. But there is no life without hard times. It's the people that can cope and deal with these times without blaming their spouse that have the strongest marriage.

I was a huge fan of the West Wing, and having worked in the national security field, I completely got what Leo McGarry was telling his wife when he told her: "What I am doin right now, is more important than my marriage right now." It wasn't forever, but she chose to bail anyway instead of supporting him in the "most important thing" he was doing in his career.

While I don't watch West Wing, there are those (like my exDH) for whom there is always that more important national security crisis. So yes, you stay for the first...second....third, maybe. Some people love the thrill of being oh-so-important, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For better or for worse.
For richer or for poorer.
In sickness and in health.

Til death do us part.

- signed, grownups

Where does abuse fit in there?

Dr. Laura tells us the three As justify divorce: adultery, abuse, and addiction

Now addiction, I think that's debatable as it falls under the sickness and health clause.
Even Jesus said adultery was grounds for divorce. "And I say to you: Whoever divorces his wife, except for unchastity, and marries another, commits adultery" (emphases added).
Abuse, clearly, you have an obligation to get out.

But what is not debatable in the above vows? Getting fat, being busy with a baby. or not being so horny anymore are not grounds for divorce.
Knocking up another lady is....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. There’s a lot of women on this thread who are going to wake up one day and be shocked that their marriages collapsed and will blame everyone but never look into their own role. Focusing on your spouse doesn’t mean becoming a sex-slave in high heels in pearls, but making time to put the baby down, talk about something else, and remaining connected as a couple. In this age of competitive parenting it is mostly the women making themselves nuts about feeding and napping schedules, freaking out about any sitters ever, and focusing the entire family life on the kid. When I first had my kid, it drove me nuts when DH wasn’t worrying about doing things “the right way” and was just getting things done in a haphazard way and “forgetting” about the plan and schedules. However, a few months in, I realized that he was actually taking a healthier appproach and we were more than simply parents to a baby human. Things got done, the kid was happy and healthy, and parents kept their connection.

OP, I wish you the best in the future -you were not at fault, but congrats to you for thinking about how you might use relationship skills differently in the future.

Thank you for posting this. As a single mom who dates, and understands how hectic the early years can be, I realize how important it is to nurture all aspects of your life.

I have to agree with this, too. Of course it's not on her that her husband cheated--he was (is) a self-centered dick for doing that. But the underlying message here is still valid--we (meaning both partners) have to not totally lose our focus on the marriage and on ourselves. I always cringe when I read new mothers talking about how they don't have time to shower, or dress nicely, or anything like that. It's not just for your spouse, but it will also make you feel better. You can put the baby down for 5 minutes, even if he/she cries. Take care of yourself. Good enough is the just that--nothing is perfect, and we'll screw it up along the way anyhow (parenting). When your kids hit their teens or adulthood, it's almost comical how much we worried about the right pacifier, screen time, preschools, no sugar, whatever. Do the best you can and make sure you have a happy marriage, too--that's incredibly important both to you and your children.

Interesting I find most the men that are in it to win it don't judge their wife in sweats and hair in pony tail dealing with sick kids, getting gardening done, tired after a long day. Actually, they are happy to also just throw on some sweats and cuddle to watch the Caps or binge a series.

He doesn't judge her holding the baby all the time and she does not judge his antics on the sidelines.

It's the people that accept life is imperfect and give each other a break that make it for the long haul.

[Anonymous]

Dear diary. My ex-husband is an amazing man, the love of my life. He is now married to his hot secretary who is a great step mom, who has regular threesomes with her hot friends, and also center ice tickets to the Capitals. He was right to leave me, as I did not cater to his sexual needs.

- said no woman, ever.

[Anonymous]

My friend is a pediatric heart surgeon and she missed something at her child's school... the teacher asked where is your mom and he said "a baby has a hole in his heart and she had to fix it this morning"... that's a sobering perspective.

Sometimes you can't volunteer
Sometimes you can't stroke your spouses ego
Sometimes you can't treat your souse like an princess

Most of us aren’t surgeons, or we aren’t on call to jump into forest fires. If you choose to make everything else in the world a relatively permanent priority over your spouse, there are consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear diary. My ex-husband is an amazing man, the love of my life. He is now married to his hot secretary who is a great step mom, who has regular threesomes with her hot friends, and also center ice tickets to the Capitals. He was right to leave me, as I did not cater to his sexual needs.

- said no woman, ever.

This says more about what you are calling the man's "needs" than it does about the ex wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For better or for worse.
For richer or for poorer.
In sickness and in health.

Til death do us part.

- signed, grownups

Where does abuse fit in there?

Dr. Laura tells us the three As justify divorce: adultery, abuse, and addiction

Now addiction, I think that's debatable as it falls under the sickness and health clause.
Even Jesus said adultery was grounds for divorce. "And I say to you: Whoever divorces his wife, except for unchastity, and marries another, commits adultery" (emphases added).
Abuse, clearly, you have an obligation to get out.

But what is not debatable in the above vows? Getting fat, being busy with a baby. or not being so horny anymore are not grounds for divorce.
Knocking up another lady is....

Since you brought it up, Dr Laura also has another 3 A's: attention, affection, and affirmation.
Regardless of what YOU think, withhold AFFECTION and most men WILL consider that grounds for divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. There’s a lot of women on this thread who are going to wake up one day and be shocked that their marriages collapsed and will blame everyone but never look into their own role. Focusing on your spouse doesn’t mean becoming a sex-slave in high heels in pearls, but making time to put the baby down, talk about something else, and remaining connected as a couple. In this age of competitive parenting it is mostly the women making themselves nuts about feeding and napping schedules, freaking out about any sitters ever, and focusing the entire family life on the kid. When I first had my kid, it drove me nuts when DH wasn’t worrying about doing things “the right way” and was just getting things done in a haphazard way and “forgetting” about the plan and schedules. However, a few months in, I realized that he was actually taking a healthier appproach and we were more than simply parents to a baby human. Things got done, the kid was happy and healthy, and parents kept their connection.

OP, I wish you the best in the future -you were not at fault, but congrats to you for thinking about how you might use relationship skills differently in the future.

Thank you for your kind words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For better or for worse.
For richer or for poorer.
In sickness and in health.

Til death do us part.

- signed, grownups

Where does abuse fit in there?

Dr. Laura tells us the three As justify divorce: adultery, abuse, and addiction

But it's not in the vows cited above themselves, right? So you either have to interpret what they mean in a fuller context, or you have to say there are additional constraints not mentioned.

People who claim it's all in the vows -- and if you're a grownup, that's all you need to know -- either think a spouse cannot leave when there is terrible abuse, or they are being hypocritical.