I want out of this marriage. I want to scream

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Step One - get your career going again and get a nanny that helps with the kids. See if it helps the marriage - if it doesn't, then at least you will be ready to stand on your own two feet

This is the most sane advice, rather than trying to sparkle yourself up into a gem he can't afford to lose, get your career back.

He's an ass to say he's the best you can do. It's also kind of gaslighty since he had to woo you in the first place.

OP here. DH earns around 2m per year. We were both graduate students when we started dating. He was humble and kind, hardworking and had lots of potential. Now he is a self important prick.

I feel for you, OP. What is preventing you from hiring help and doing some things - whether work or something else - that brings you personal happiness? Your overall dynamic might shift if you have your own sense of self and happiness. And to all of the "power" posters - he must realize that you can leave and take half of his wealth, no?

I have part time help. DH told me to hire full time help so he isn’t burdened with helping.

I have mentioned going back to work and he has previously shot it down saying I won’t make enough to make it worth our while. I don’t care how much I earn. I am going to work part time at least.

He has been nice to me today. He can sense when I’m super pissed vs normal mad.

It sounds like your husband made a reasonable suggestion here and you shot it down. If you're making $2 million, this should be a no-brainer given that you clearly resent being a SAHM. I get the feeling that much of your anger is about you being upset that your husband continued having a lucrative career and you didn't.

Get full-time help and get back into the workforce, and try to recognize that your situation is better than the overwhelming majority of humanity.

[Anonymous]

OK, OP. I get it. You are unhappy. It is difficult to be a SAHP. Heck, yes.

What is it you do better yourself (education? work? exercise?)?
What is it you do for others (volunteering? is it fulfilling? Do you feel you are making a difference?)?
What is it you do that is purely for fun (art, visiting friends, shopping?)?
And what is it that you want from your husband that he isn't giving you (his time? sex? respect)?
What is it that you NEED?

Figure these things out and go after what you need right now to feel fulfilled and good.

[Anonymous]

OP, divorce him. He was the best you could do but I'm certain you're not the best he can do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, divorce him. He was the best you could do but I'm certain you're not the best he can do

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Step One - get your career going again and get a nanny that helps with the kids. See if it helps the marriage - if it doesn't, then at least you will be ready to stand on your own two feet

This is the most sane advice, rather than trying to sparkle yourself up into a gem he can't afford to lose, get your career back.

He's an ass to say he's the best you can do. It's also kind of gaslighty since he had to woo you in the first place.

OP here. DH earns around 2m per year. We were both graduate students when we started dating. He was humble and kind, hardworking and had lots of potential. Now he is a self important prick.

I feel for you, OP. What is preventing you from hiring help and doing some things - whether work or something else - that brings you personal happiness? Your overall dynamic might shift if you have your own sense of self and happiness. And to all of the "power" posters - he must realize that you can leave and take half of his wealth, no?

I have part time help. DH told me to hire full time help so he isn’t burdened with helping.

I have mentioned going back to work and he has previously shot it down saying I won’t make enough to make it worth our while. I don’t care how much I earn. I am going to work part time at least.

He has been nice to me today. He can sense when I’m super pissed vs normal mad.

It sounds like your husband made a reasonable suggestion here and you shot it down. If you're making $2 million, this should be a no-brainer given that you clearly resent being a SAHM. I get the feeling that much of your anger is about you being upset that your husband continued having a lucrative career and you didn't.

Get full-time help and get back into the workforce, and try to recognize that your situation is better than the overwhelming majority of humanity.

Not OP but getting the full-time help so he doesn’t have to help out sounded a wee bit jerkish to me. Sure he shouldn’t be expected to wash dishes or come home and clean but I read it as him not wanting to be bothered with the kids. He seems to look down on her a bit for not having an identity outside of being a SAHM. It’s almost as if she’s just the nanny while he lives the life of a busy, single guy who can throw himself into work because he has no family to be concerned about. Then the ‘you can’t do better’ comment is just UGH!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, divorce him. He was the best you could do but I'm certain you're not the best he can do

He knows this which is why he’s such a pompous ass to OP. The help threatening to leave is laughable to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow! The “best you can do” comment was harsh. He’s likely thinking about you as a single mother of 3 little ones. Add to that he makes a lot of money. He likely truly views you in that way. I really don’t know what to say except good luck.

Let's be real - what man pulling in 7 figures is waiting on a single mom of 3 kids under 10? I'll wait.

OP - spend some of that money. Get some full time help. So what if it is because he doesn't want to help? DO IT. Get your life, girl! If you think you would be happier with a broke ass guy who participates, you are deluding yourself.

Actually we all know a ton of women who are happily married to men who make much less than OP’s hubby (though not ‘broke’) who adore their wives and are actively involved with their children. They are loving, romantic, caring partners and hands-on fathers. I’ll take that over OP’s situation any day.

It’s not just that he’s not helping out. He’s not a partner for her as a woman. And he makes asshole remarks in response to her concerns. I love my responsive partner who will move heaven and hell to make me happy. It’s a great feeling to know there’s someone who believes it is their job in life to look out for you, ensure you’re always okay and make you happy. If I don’t smile, my partner doesn’t smile. And he works hard to make sure I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It is quite extreme to have 2 full time working parents when you have 3 kids under 10.

You're nuts.

Agreed. We navigated that situation nicely. The kids loved school and daycare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Step One - get your career going again and get a nanny that helps with the kids. See if it helps the marriage - if it doesn't, then at least you will be ready to stand on your own two feet

This is the most sane advice, rather than trying to sparkle yourself up into a gem he can't afford to lose, get your career back.

He's an ass to say he's the best you can do. It's also kind of gaslighty since he had to woo you in the first place.

OP here. DH earns around 2m per year. We were both graduate students when we started dating. He was humble and kind, hardworking and had lots of potential. Now he is a self important prick.

I feel for you, OP. What is preventing you from hiring help and doing some things - whether work or something else - that brings you personal happiness? Your overall dynamic might shift if you have your own sense of self and happiness. And to all of the "power" posters - he must realize that you can leave and take half of his wealth, no?

I have part time help. DH told me to hire full time help so he isn’t burdened with helping.

I have mentioned going back to work and he has previously shot it down saying I won’t make enough to make it worth our while. I don’t care how much I earn. I am going to work part time at least.

He has been nice to me today. He can sense when I’m super pissed vs normal mad.

It sounds like your husband made a reasonable suggestion here and you shot it down. If you're making $2 million, this should be a no-brainer given that you clearly resent being a SAHM. I get the feeling that much of your anger is about you being upset that your husband continued having a lucrative career and you didn't.

Get full-time help and get back into the workforce, and try to recognize that your situation is better than the overwhelming majority of humanity.

Not OP but getting the full-time help so he doesn’t have to help out sounded a wee bit jerkish to me. Sure he shouldn’t be expected to wash dishes or come home and clean but I read it as him not wanting to be bothered with the kids. He seems to look down on her a bit for not having an identity outside of being a SAHM. It’s almost as if she’s just the nanny while he lives the life of a busy, single guy who can throw himself into work because he has no family to be concerned about. Then the ‘you can’t do better’ comment is just UGH!

Maybe, though some SAHM's view their husbands as the "relief shift" who take over primary parenting duties as soon as they get home.

It still sounds like hiring help would be valuable here. At least OP would be less stressed out and be more able to appreciate her situation if she has more free time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow! The “best you can do” comment was harsh. He’s likely thinking about you as a single mother of 3 little ones. Add to that he makes a lot of money. He likely truly views you in that way. I really don’t know what to say except good luck.

Let's be real - what man pulling in 7 figures is waiting on a single mom of 3 kids under 10? I'll wait.

OP - spend some of that money. Get some full time help. So what if it is because he doesn't want to help? DO IT. Get your life, girl! If you think you would be happier with a broke ass guy who participates, you are deluding yourself.

Actually we all know a ton of women who are happily married to men who make much less than OP’s hubby (though not ‘broke’) who adore their wives and are actively involved with their children. They are loving, romantic, caring partners and hands-on fathers. I’ll take that over OP’s situation any day.

It’s not just that he’s not helping out. He’s not a partner for her as a woman. And he makes asshole remarks in response to her concerns. I love my responsive partner who will move heaven and hell to make me happy. It’s a great feeling to know there’s someone who believes it is their job in life to look out for you, ensure you’re always okay and make you happy. If I don’t smile, my partner doesn’t smile. And he works hard to make sure I do.

So how long have you and your “partner” been together? Doesn’t sound like you are married or have any kids. Op thinks it’s her husband’s job to “make her happy” too. Give me a break.

- signed happily married w/children for 30+ yrs

[Anonymous]

My husband earns little over hundred thousand. I am SAHM. Every day I greet him with a smile, take his jacket off, put his shoes away, and prepare a dinner. I am grateful to have a good man that loves me and provides for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH won me over with effort. Now married for 10 years with 3 kids. Don’t think I can be in this loveless passionless dead marriage any longer. I am childcare. We talk about child logistics and that’s it. I’m so resentful. I gave up my lucrative career to stay home. DH takes me for granted. I seriously cannot stand my husband and feel totally stuck. Yesterday I told him I want out and he just brushed me off and said he was the best I could do.

I want to run away and restart. Then I look at my children’s sweet faces and can’t leave.

He actually said that he was the best you could do? Wow. I'd see that as a challenge.

Work on yourself, OP. Shape up. Plan your exit. Get some childcare for the kids and either go back to your career (full time or part time) or start a business or side job. Get yourself in control of your finances. Look after yourself. Get your power back.

+1. Many men don't respect their wives once they become SAHMs and stop putting in effort because SAHMs often ARE stuck. My own marriage improved once I got back in shape, got a job, and became a self-supporting adult because DH knew I had options and other men were taking an interest in me.

So much this.

+100. Men will take advantage of the power they have in a relationship. Start looking for a job and daycare. You don't even have to tell your husband until you find something. This is not a conversation in which you will be asking to go back to work. You will tell him you are starting a new job, what the new daycare arrangements are. If he is not fully supportive of your return to work, you will have everything you need to know about the future of your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH won me over with effort. Now married for 10 years with 3 kids. Don’t think I can be in this loveless passionless dead marriage any longer. I am childcare. We talk about child logistics and that’s it. I’m so resentful. I gave up my lucrative career to stay home. DH takes me for granted. I seriously cannot stand my husband and feel totally stuck. Yesterday I told him I want out and he just brushed me off and said he was the best I could do.

I want to run away and restart. Then I look at my children’s sweet faces and can’t leave.

He actually said that he was the best you could do? Wow. I'd see that as a challenge.

Work on yourself, OP. Shape up. Plan your exit. Get some childcare for the kids and either go back to your career (full time or part time) or start a business or side job. Get yourself in control of your finances. Look after yourself. Get your power back.

+1. Many men don't respect their wives once they become SAHMs and stop putting in effort because SAHMs often ARE stuck. My own marriage improved once I got back in shape, got a job, and became a self-supporting adult because DH knew I had options and other men were taking an interest in me.

So much this.

Wow, so much for trust, mutual support, and intimacy... Some people are actually good people, you know. Although yes, OP's husband sounds like an ass.

+100. Men will take advantage of the power they have in a relationship. Start looking for a job and daycare. You don't even have to tell your husband until you find something. This is not a conversation in which you will be asking to go back to work. You will tell him you are starting a new job, what the new daycare arrangements are. If he is not fully supportive of your return to work, you will have everything you need to know about the future of your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband earns little over hundred thousand. I am SAHM. Every day I greet him with a smile, take his jacket off, put his shoes away, and prepare a dinner. I am grateful to have a good man that loves me and provides for me.

Mail order?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband earns little over hundred thousand. I am SAHM. Every day I greet him with a smile, take his jacket off, put his shoes away, and prepare a dinner. I am grateful to have a good man that loves me and provides for me.

OK, Mrs. Cleaver. Do you make him a martini and fetch his slippers, too?