I want out of this marriage. I want to scream

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone saying a disrespectful father gets the kids 50% of the time? Is that a new thing? Many dads don’t even know what size clothes their kids wear, what they eat, who their teachers or friends are or anything. Do they just get divorced and then snap their fingers and grow up?
Sounds like a mess.

Yeah and it sounds like the OP's husband wouldn't want split custody given his apathy towards parenting his kids. Although he might go for it 50/50 just to screw with his soon to be ex's finances and then hire a nanny to actually parent the kids.

Is this 1960? What bizarre sexist comments. As a 41 year old father of two I'd say there is very little difference between moms and dads these days in regards to parenting. Actual parenting (clothes shopping, grocery buying, cooking, cleaning driving to sports, etc) and not just 'decision making' parenting is even amongst my peer set and I even know a handful of full time SAHDs. Maybe it's because in live in progressive Del Ray that I see this, I don't know but the idea of corporate dad coming home to a clean house, a full dinner and a horny wife as the norm is over.

have you actually read the topic? your situation is irrelevant.

I'd bet you're one of those freaky moms that feels threatened by SAHDs. It's like you think theyre invading your space. I see it all the time at events. The alpha clique of SAHMs push the cold shoulder on the few SAHDs there. It's some bizarre form of social isolation. I haven't figured it out yet but it has hints of insecurity and paranoia that their easy world is being figured out.

SAHD's are never going to be fully mainstream. Reason? Women are not attracted to them 99% of the time, so they make relationships unviable. Sorry.

Sorry for what? That you aren't attracted to SAHDs? I DGAF what youre interested in even if I were a SAHD. And I'm 99% sure I wouldn't find you attractive. I can count on one hand the number of women who've popped out a couple kids and are still hot. Sorry, I don't do the gunty PTA cows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone saying a disrespectful father gets the kids 50% of the time? Is that a new thing? Many dads don’t even know what size clothes their kids wear, what they eat, who their teachers or friends are or anything. Do they just get divorced and then snap their fingers and grow up?
Sounds like a mess.

Yeah and it sounds like the OP's husband wouldn't want split custody given his apathy towards parenting his kids. Although he might go for it 50/50 just to screw with his soon to be ex's finances and then hire a nanny to actually parent the kids.

Is this 1960? What bizarre sexist comments. As a 41 year old father of two I'd say there is very little difference between moms and dads these days in regards to parenting. Actual parenting (clothes shopping, grocery buying, cooking, cleaning driving to sports, etc) and not just 'decision making' parenting is even amongst my peer set and I even know a handful of full time SAHDs. Maybe it's because in live in progressive Del Ray that I see this, I don't know but the idea of corporate dad coming home to a clean house, a full dinner and a horny wife as the norm is over.

have you actually read the topic? your situation is irrelevant.

I'd bet you're one of those freaky moms that feels threatened by SAHDs. It's like you think theyre invading your space. I see it all the time at events. The alpha clique of SAHMs push the cold shoulder on the few SAHDs there. It's some bizarre form of social isolation. I haven't figured it out yet but it has hints of insecurity and paranoia that their easy world is being figured out.

Not threatened. Just think the ones I know are kind of losers.

duh
imaging a SAHD trying to elbow his way into a SAHM circle so that he can talk about breasteeding and Christmas decorations
I mean who wants that, male or female

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH won me over with effort. Now married for 10 years with 3 kids. Don’t think I can be in this loveless passionless dead marriage any longer. I am childcare. We talk about child logistics and that’s it. I’m so resentful. I gave up my lucrative career to stay home. DH takes me for granted. I seriously cannot stand my husband and feel totally stuck. Yesterday I told him I want out and he just brushed me off and said he was the best I could do.

I want to run away and restart. Then I look at my children’s sweet faces and can’t leave.

He actually said that he was the best you could do? Wow. I'd see that as a challenge.

Work on yourself, OP. Shape up. Plan your exit. Get some childcare for the kids and either go back to your career (full time or part time) or start a business or side job. Get yourself in control of your finances. Look after yourself. Get your power back.

+1. Many men don't respect their wives once they become SAHMs and stop putting in effort because SAHMs often ARE stuck. My own marriage improved once I got back in shape, got a job, and became a self-supporting adult because DH knew I had options and other men were taking an interest in me.

So much this.

Right, WOHMs get divorced less and little kids love being in daycare

Who cares if WOHMs get divorced more or less? That's not the point, OP says that she, a SAHM, is considering divorce and is extremely unhappy. What is the harm in leaving the home and trying something different? What is the benefit to her children for her to be caring for them while sad and depressed?

Working full time with three kids under 10 can be even more stressful. Going back to work isn’t some panacea for unhappiness, many wohms are also unhappy, based on the posts elsewhere on the board.

However, if op really wants a divorce, she has no choice, back to work she goes.

[Anonymous]

WOHMs are 100x hotter than SAHMs. Not trying to hurt feelings but there's nothing attractive about a de facto wet nurse that's brain is mush and her entire wardrobe consists of yoga pants and fleece jackets

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WOHMs are 100x hotter than SAHMs. Not trying to hurt feelings but there's nothing attractive about a de facto wet nurse that's brain is mush and her entire wardrobe consists of yoga pants and fleece jackets

*whose brain is mush
Learn English if you want to insult people properly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a SAHM can make people very narrow focused,

Both my SILs are SAHMs. I completely support their choice to do that and one is a fantastic SAHM (the other not so much!).

But the reality is that it has made their world very small. They talk about kids, complain about kids, talk about home management and home decorating and not much else. All my brothers hear about is what the kids did wrong all day, all the frustrations of being at home with the kids. It would be like my brothers coming home and whining for an hour every day about everything negative that happened all day at work. i think too because they are around kids all day they start to talk like the kids - in the sense that they whine and complain and cry. And then they try and parent my brothers with nagging and other child parent like actions.

It is the reality of what people's daily lives become. You take on the characteristics of what you are around all day and want the other person to get your world.

One of my SILs is incredibly academically minded - being a SAHM was the right decision for their family but the wrong decision for her as a person. She was not good at the role, made everyone's life miserable and thankfully she has just gone back to work! My other sister in law just needs more variety in her life - she is better at home given their situation and great at being a SAHM but gets too narrow focused.

I am not sure being a SAHM makes their world very small. As a listener, SAHMs talking about their life is no smaller or less boring than some cubicle sitter droning and whining about super exciting job. Most people’s jobs are not exciting either.

I think the key is socializing with other adults outside of the context of childcare. Some SAHMs have little contact with anyone other than their immediate family and other SAHMs.

k

I’ve done both, had a much wider and more interesting social circle as a sah because I had time to socialize, as a woh, no time to see anyone besides work colleagues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But I think many pps are being way too hard on her. Being rich doesn't mean your life is great. Believe me, I know.
I also know what it's like to have married a nice guy and end up with an asshole. A rich asshole, but still an asshole.

Op here. Thank you. We have drifted apart. Money may or may not be the cause of his personality change. All I know is our marriage has been over for quite some time.

Then why in the world did you have the third kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WOHMs are 100x hotter than SAHMs. Not trying to hurt feelings but there's nothing attractive about a de facto wet nurse that's brain is mush and her entire wardrobe consists of yoga pants and fleece jackets

*whose brain is mush
Learn English if you want to insult people properly

Learn to use punctuation if you're going to correct others on the proper use of English. Ouch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really see how going back to work is going to be helpful. If OP isn't contributing to the family income (and the reality is that she almost certainly can't contribute in any meaningful way), then her husband is just going to see her work as an annoying and time consuming hobby. He will be pissed when he has a vacation, and she can't get off at the same time. She will still be 100% responsible for the kids and household, so unless she wants her kids to grow up with two absent parents, she is likely to get a job that has some flexibility and reasonable hours and is more supporting other people's careers than developing her own (I work in academic medicine, so maybe this is different in other fields, but I doubt it).
So, she will be working for no money, for reasons not respected or really understood by her family, in order to support someone else's career. And she can add finding and managing full time childcare and household help to her duties in addition to her work.

I do agree with finding hobbies and meaningful volunteer work. I am sure that you have skills that are useful to a lot of people.

the reason she would be working is because she wants to work. there is nothing to understand here; it's what most people do including her husband.

there is no such thing is meaningful volunteer work. if what you were doing had value people would pay you for it. hobbies are no better.

Says someone who has never devoted significant time to either. With the resources op has, she could easily find meaningful volunteer opportunities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone saying a disrespectful father gets the kids 50% of the time? Is that a new thing? Many dads don’t even know what size clothes their kids wear, what they eat, who their teachers or friends are or anything. Do they just get divorced and then snap their fingers and grow up?
Sounds like a mess.

Yeah and it sounds like the OP's husband wouldn't want split custody given his apathy towards parenting his kids. Although he might go for it 50/50 just to screw with his soon to be ex's finances and then hire a nanny to actually parent the kids.

Is this 1960? What bizarre sexist comments. As a 41 year old father of two I'd say there is very little difference between moms and dads these days in regards to parenting. Actual parenting (clothes shopping, grocery buying, cooking, cleaning driving to sports, etc) and not just 'decision making' parenting is even amongst my peer set and I even know a handful of full time SAHDs. Maybe it's because in live in progressive Del Ray that I see this, I don't know but the idea of corporate dad coming home to a clean house, a full dinner and a horny wife as the norm is over.

have you actually read the topic? your situation is irrelevant.

I'd bet you're one of those freaky moms that feels threatened by SAHDs. It's like you think theyre invading your space. I see it all the time at events. The alpha clique of SAHMs push the cold shoulder on the few SAHDs there. It's some bizarre form of social isolation. I haven't figured it out yet but it has hints of insecurity and paranoia that their easy world is being figured out.

SAHD's are never going to be fully mainstream. Reason? Women are not attracted to them 99% of the time, so they make relationships unviable. Sorry.

Sorry for what? That you aren't attracted to SAHDs? I DGAF what youre interested in even if I were a SAHD. And I'm 99% sure I wouldn't find you attractive. I can count on one hand the number of women who've popped out a couple kids and are still hot. Sorry, I don't do the gunty PTA cows.

meh. woman's hotness is not significantly affected by childbearing (unless it's some crazy number). look at all these VS models, actresses... no difference whatsoever pre-post. women who were really hot before giving birth by and large remain hot. a lot of average looking women imagine they were hotter than they were but in fact they were just younger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really see how going back to work is going to be helpful. If OP isn't contributing to the family income (and the reality is that she almost certainly can't contribute in any meaningful way), then her husband is just going to see her work as an annoying and time consuming hobby. He will be pissed when he has a vacation, and she can't get off at the same time. She will still be 100% responsible for the kids and household, so unless she wants her kids to grow up with two absent parents, she is likely to get a job that has some flexibility and reasonable hours and is more supporting other people's careers than developing her own (I work in academic medicine, so maybe this is different in other fields, but I doubt it).
So, she will be working for no money, for reasons not respected or really understood by her family, in order to support someone else's career. And she can add finding and managing full time childcare and household help to her duties in addition to her work.

I do agree with finding hobbies and meaningful volunteer work. I am sure that you have skills that are useful to a lot of people.

the reason she would be working is because she wants to work. there is nothing to understand here; it's what most people do including her husband.

there is no such thing is meaningful volunteer work. if what you were doing had value people would pay you for it. hobbies are no better.

Says someone who has never devoted significant time to either. With the resources op has, she could easily find meaningful volunteer opportunities.

I would absolutely never volunteer for anything. it's worthless to others and would be demeaning to myself. If people want me they need to pay for me.

[Anonymous]

I believe op is a frequent poster who has previously posted that she did not quit her job until pregnant with the third kid. If so, she know what it is like to work with kids, and how it did or did not affect her marriage.

I have a husband with a big, well paying job, and am a lawyer myself. It is very difficult to balance dh’s job, my job and our kids. When you have enough financial resources and one spouse has a very hours intensive job, it becomes very hard to justify the sacrifices that come with another full time career unless your job is truly blissful, which is just not the case for most jobs.
OP— you are truly fortunate to be able to literally do anything you want with your time. Find a way to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really see how going back to work is going to be helpful. If OP isn't contributing to the family income (and the reality is that she almost certainly can't contribute in any meaningful way), then her husband is just going to see her work as an annoying and time consuming hobby. He will be pissed when he has a vacation, and she can't get off at the same time. She will still be 100% responsible for the kids and household, so unless she wants her kids to grow up with two absent parents, she is likely to get a job that has some flexibility and reasonable hours and is more supporting other people's careers than developing her own (I work in academic medicine, so maybe this is different in other fields, but I doubt it).
So, she will be working for no money, for reasons not respected or really understood by her family, in order to support someone else's career. And she can add finding and managing full time childcare and household help to her duties in addition to her work.

I do agree with finding hobbies and meaningful volunteer work. I am sure that you have skills that are useful to a lot of people.

the reason she would be working is because she wants to work. there is nothing to understand here; it's what most people do including her husband.

there is no such thing is meaningful volunteer work. if what you were doing had value people would pay you for it. hobbies are no better.

Says someone who has never devoted significant time to either. With the resources op has, she could easily find meaningful volunteer opportunities.

I would absolutely never volunteer for anything. it's worthless to others and would be demeaning to myself. If people want me they need to pay for me.

What is your all important job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really see how going back to work is going to be helpful. If OP isn't contributing to the family income (and the reality is that she almost certainly can't contribute in any meaningful way), then her husband is just going to see her work as an annoying and time consuming hobby. He will be pissed when he has a vacation, and she can't get off at the same time. She will still be 100% responsible for the kids and household, so unless she wants her kids to grow up with two absent parents, she is likely to get a job that has some flexibility and reasonable hours and is more supporting other people's careers than developing her own (I work in academic medicine, so maybe this is different in other fields, but I doubt it).
So, she will be working for no money, for reasons not respected or really understood by her family, in order to support someone else's career. And she can add finding and managing full time childcare and household help to her duties in addition to her work.

I do agree with finding hobbies and meaningful volunteer work. I am sure that you have skills that are useful to a lot of people.

the reason she would be working is because she wants to work. there is nothing to understand here; it's what most people do including her husband.

there is no such thing is meaningful volunteer work. if what you were doing had value people would pay you for it. hobbies are no better.

Says someone who has never devoted significant time to either. With the resources op has, she could easily find meaningful volunteer opportunities.

I would absolutely never volunteer for anything. it's worthless to others and would be demeaning to myself. If people want me they need to pay for me.

What is your all important job?

this is not about my job being important. it's much more important than any volunteering i could even do as reflected by the fact that I am paid for my job and would not be paid for volunteering. when people must have something done they pay for it. when it's optional then it's a "volunteering opportunity".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really see how going back to work is going to be helpful. If OP isn't contributing to the family income (and the reality is that she almost certainly can't contribute in any meaningful way), then her husband is just going to see her work as an annoying and time consuming hobby. He will be pissed when he has a vacation, and she can't get off at the same time. She will still be 100% responsible for the kids and household, so unless she wants her kids to grow up with two absent parents, she is likely to get a job that has some flexibility and reasonable hours and is more supporting other people's careers than developing her own (I work in academic medicine, so maybe this is different in other fields, but I doubt it).
So, she will be working for no money, for reasons not respected or really understood by her family, in order to support someone else's career. And she can add finding and managing full time childcare and household help to her duties in addition to her work.

I do agree with finding hobbies and meaningful volunteer work. I am sure that you have skills that are useful to a lot of people.

the reason she would be working is because she wants to work. there is nothing to understand here; it's what most people do including her husband.

there is no such thing is meaningful volunteer work. if what you were doing had value people would pay you for it. hobbies are no better.

Says someone who has never devoted significant time to either. With the resources op has, she could easily find meaningful volunteer opportunities.

I would absolutely never volunteer for anything. it's worthless to others and would be demeaning to myself. If people want me they need to pay for me.

What is your all important job?

this is not about my job being important. it's much more important than any volunteering i could even do as reflected by the fact that I am paid for my job and would not be paid for volunteering. when people must have something done they pay for it. when it's optional then it's a "volunteering opportunity".

Don’t think you really understand how the world works for those who don’t need to work for income.