Mil wants to be called Mama X

[Anonymous]

Damn. I hoped this was literal, like she wanted the kids to call her "Madame X." That would be a fun grandma.

[Anonymous]

I think it is weird OP.
It bothers me as much as MomMom.

Maybe I will see it differently when I am older but to me is feel like these grandmothers don't want accept their new roles.

[Anonymous]

OP:

Make a list of all the issues on which you think you are going to have battle with your in-laws, and think through now the ones you can give a little on. You can't win every battle (and you shouldn't)

What Grandma is called, time spent babysitting, following your baby schedule and rules while babysitting, offering unsolicited advice, where you spend holidays, gifts your child receives that you would rather they don't receive, time spent visiting, tagging along on a family vacation, etc.

And remember, in 15-20 years you will have all kinds of new battles, but they will be with your child, who you will hope cherishes his/her grandma:

Remembering to call your grandma, helping grandma with her smartphone, being patient with your grandma, being thankful for the crappy girt your grandma got you, visiting your grandma, driving your grandma to the doctor, etc.

[Anonymous]

How controlling some people are. Why can't you let a grandparent choose what they want to be called? Of course, your child may end up calling them something else, but as far as I've seen, one of the treats of being a grandparent is choosing what you want to be called.

My parents kept changing their minds over the years, so my mother is called three different names. She felt she was "too young" to even think about a grandmother title with the first, so I slyly chose to call her "Granny."

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm also older and wiser, with three children, all teenagers.

My MIL was a huge boundary-crosser. Started immediately, with generally pushy behavior and high expectations around the time of our engagement and wedding, then continued into my pregnancy with first GC. Wanted to accompany me to gyno appointments to see sonogram, find out sex of the baby, wanted to be bedside when I delivered, wanted to accompany me to well-baby check ups. No, no, no.

Oh, she also (and I've posted about this before on dcum) didn't think I sent out birth announcements fast enough so she sent her own to her family and friends.

Also hated that I EBF; less time with the baby. On the few occasions she cared for our baby, she'd go out of her way to undermine or worse, ignore some simple requests (a nap, medicine).

Just be aware, OP that this is just the first in a long line of situations where you'll have to assert yourself and create your own boundaries. Do it as gracefully as you can, pick your battles, but know she is unlikely to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Damn. I hoped this was literal, like she wanted the kids to call her "Madame X." That would be a fun grandma.

Oooh I'll go with Madame X. I've been pondering what I want to be called if I'm ever a grandmother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP:

Just to chime in, you will find life is long. I've finished raising my brood, and if I had to go back in time, I would be less reactive to things like this. As long as you don't feel your MIL is deliberately trying to undermine you, let her be called Mama X (I didn't read the whole thread, but was her grandma called Mama X too? That makes a difference).

The other thing is -- it is hard to think of this right now -- this baby really is not just yours. It is a person who will have his/her own relationships. And you will be thankful for all the people who love your child and are part of his/her loving community. So let your MIL love your child and be called what she wants to be called.

Just my two cents,

Older and wiser

Good advice.

Bad advice. Being a doormat is not good for anyone's relationship with anyone else. Pettiness is bad, but not wanting someone else to be "Mama" to your child is hardly petty.

I didn't read anything about being a doormat in that post. And you will find that many grandma's often act act as mothers to their grandchildren. Mine certainly did. My mom worked two jobs and I spent a lot of time with my grandmother. She was a second mother to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is weird OP.
It bothers me as much as MomMom.

Maybe I will see it differently when I am older but to me is feel like these grandmothers don't want accept their new roles.

My mom's always been Mom-Mom to my kids and it never occured to me that she was trying to claim the mom title from me. They're 21, 17, and 14 and it's never been an issue. Part of the reason that she went with Mom-Mom is because my own grandmom and grandma were still alive when my kids were born, so those names already "belonged" to someone else in our family. My mother was thrilled to be a grandma and no issue with accepting that role.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP:

Just to chime in, you will find life is long. I've finished raising my brood, and if I had to go back in time, I would be less reactive to things like this. As long as you don't feel your MIL is deliberately trying to undermine you, let her be called Mama X (I didn't read the whole thread, but was her grandma called Mama X too? That makes a difference).

The other thing is -- it is hard to think of this right now -- this baby really is not just yours. It is a person who will have his/her own relationships. And you will be thankful for all the people who love your child and are part of his/her loving community. So let your MIL love your child and be called what she wants to be called.

Just my two cents,

Older and wiser

Good advice.

Bad advice. Being a doormat is not good for anyone's relationship with anyone else. Pettiness is bad, but not wanting someone else to be "Mama" to your child is hardly petty.

I didn't read anything about being a doormat in that post. And you will find that many grandma's often act act as mothers to their grandchildren. Mine certainly did. My mom worked two jobs and I spent a lot of time with my grandmother. She was a second mother to me.

Yep. And, as hard as it can be to imagine when your kids are little, there may be a time when they're older when you're grateful for the unconditional love and guidance a grandparent can provide your child when it might be harder for you to connect with him or her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I appreciate all the responses. It's helpful to hear the other side and those who agree help me feel less crazy. For the record, Im not afraid of my children mistaking her for their mama. It's more , I worked really hard and waited all long time to be able to be a mama. It's a silly title/name I don't feel like sharing. And honestly I'm ok with being a little selfish at this point in my life.

I can relate, OP. My MIL is a lot like yours. She stayed with us when my first baby was born and she kept saying how much the baby resembles my husband (and her!), how it feels like it’s her own baby and things like that. She was very overbearing and totally took over - always knew what the best thing to do for the baby was and suffocated me with her never-ending advice. If she suggested that we call her “mama x”, I would have flipped out!

[Anonymous]

If you are going to butt heads with her and go down fighting, tooth and nail over every little thing....you are going to have a long and rocky road ahead of you.

People who have a genuine desire to get along and forge lasting relationships with other people, choose their battles more wisely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm also older and wiser, with three children, all teenagers.

My MIL was a huge boundary-crosser. Started immediately, with generally pushy behavior and high expectations around the time of our engagement and wedding, then continued into my pregnancy with first GC. Wanted to accompany me to gyno appointments to see sonogram, find out sex of the baby, wanted to be bedside when I delivered, wanted to accompany me to well-baby check ups. No, no, no.

Oh, she also (and I've posted about this before on dcum) didn't think I sent out birth announcements fast enough so she sent her own to her family and friends.

Also hated that I EBF; less time with the baby. On the few occasions she cared for our baby, she'd go out of her way to undermine or worse, ignore some simple requests (a nap, medicine).

Just be aware, OP that this is just the first in a long line of situations where you'll have to assert yourself and create your own boundaries. Do it as gracefully as you can, pick your battles, but know she is unlikely to change.

If OP's MIL is like yours, then the name request is an issue. If she's not, then it's a non-issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here

Thanks for the replies. I know it's not the the most rational thing but it does bother me and I can see myself getting resentful towards her for it. She already has joked to take the kids from us at various points. Since we got married she would say things like, they can just live with me and they would probably be happier living with me than in a tiny big city apt, she asked if she could homeschool our kids and they can just live with her m-f. I've played nice. A lot. I'm just tired of always feeling like she is undermining me and crossing boundaries. It starts with mama X and then she will start using mama flat out.

My plan right now is just to refer to her as her initials to the kids.

If these are her only "offenses," it sounds like you two just have very dissimilar personalities. I gently suggest that you'll be happier if you don't view things like this in the worst possible light, instead choosing to have a more charitable interpretation.

For example, at least 10 people have joked with me that they want to "steal" my kids, put them in their purses and take them away, etc. My step-mother says they would enjoy a country farm with her instead of strict old mommy, etc. My response is to laugh and say I'm pretty attached to them so they're stuck with me, I wouldn't consider laughing this off to be "playing nice" and I wouldn't think she is "undermining you" or "crossing any boundaries." Instead, I think she is just joking around and must really love my kids (yeah!).

As for the name thing, the kids will sort that out. One of my extended relatives tried to come up with a name of her own, and not one of the kids knows her name as a result. They just call her "that lady that comes to our house with X."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm also older and wiser, with three children, all teenagers.

My MIL was a huge boundary-crosser. Started immediately, with generally pushy behavior and high expectations around the time of our engagement and wedding, then continued into my pregnancy with first GC. Wanted to accompany me to gyno appointments to see sonogram, find out sex of the baby, wanted to be bedside when I delivered, wanted to accompany me to well-baby check ups. No, no, no.

Oh, she also (and I've posted about this before on dcum) didn't think I sent out birth announcements fast enough so she sent her own to her family and friends.

Also hated that I EBF; less time with the baby. On the few occasions she cared for our baby, she'd go out of her way to undermine or worse, ignore some simple requests (a nap, medicine).

Just be aware, OP that this is just the first in a long line of situations where you'll have to assert yourself and create your own boundaries. Do it as gracefully as you can, pick your battles, but know she is unlikely to change.

If OP's MIL is like yours, then the name request is an issue. If she's not, then it's a non-issue.

If MIL is wanting to be called Mama X and then hands the baby over to Op and says something dumb like: "Time to go to Larla now" instead of saying "Time to go to Mommy now"....that would be grating and an indication that Mama X is trying to be top Mama in da house. Mama's way or no way - a subtle undermining of Op that Op's husband may not pick up on.

Some women can be slyly bitchy to other women and that is unfortunate. But if Mama X is really just another name for Grandma....eh, so what.

[Anonymous]

I'm even annoyed with my MIL wanting me to call her "mom". I just can't. She keeps correcting me to say mom, but I have a mom and don't want another. Hypocritically she calls her FIL by his first name!