Is it tough for nova kids to make friends at Ivys?

[Anonymous]

PP here. My dad was a defense contractor, my mom was a teacher, and I went to public school outside of the NE corridor. But there were plenty like me and I fit in easily.

My best friends from college were from all over the SES spectrum. One of my closest friends was a multi-generation legacy with buildings named after his family at the school, and one of them was the child of a single mom teacher.

[Anonymous]

Silly question OP. People can find kindred spirits anywhere. When my dd went to Princeton, they had a fair number of kids from TJ there and they fit in just like everyone else. The co-ed eating clubs at Princeton really help with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hard for everybody to make friends at Ivies. I just toured Yale with my son and one of the first things I noticed was that almost everyone was alone. Walking alone, eating alone, studying alone. In the 2.5 hours I was on campus, I saw literally only three groups of friends. It was strange, and kind of disheartening.

Funny you should say this. We noticed the same phenomenon at Swarthmore.
After that, my child started rating schools based (in part) upon whether anyone greeted the tour guide as we walked around campus.

There really are different cultures at different schools. This is one factor that those of us who stress "fit" are referring to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll take the bait. My dd goes to a top a HYP. She came from public, dh and i are educated but are no means wealthy, we barely make over 200k. My dd has a deep musical talent and had a very prestigious music education, and graduated 1st in her class. She is more than prepared for this school. Socially, she tells me that there is a ton of imposter syndrome from ALL on the SES spectrum. I was told by a male classmate who joined us for dinner that everyone tries to figure out each other's "thing" i.e. how they got in, bc it's never just one thing. The "lowest" on the totem poll, which was surprising to me, were the Athletes. The group think there is that the academic standards are lowered very significantly for their admission. URM standards are not lowered nearly as much, as would have been my instinct, but I was told it's the athletes, many of whom hail from BS etc.

And I'll add that overall, this generation of kids are a bunch of loners. They don't socialize like we did, at least on campus. I'm sure you have seen on tours, you don't see groups of kids hanging out together. The influent of social media has totally reshaped how kids socialize, they do tend to not take social risks if that makes sense. Their seems to be too much predictability and less "lets throw a party and see what happens" and less impromptu get-togethers. Hard to explain. DD doesn't get it when I ask her bc that is their baseline.

DD has friends from every economic layer, making friends has a lot to do with your EC, so if you're an athlete who is poor, you WILL hang out with everyone on your team. DD has friends from the music ensembles, her house, and her courses. No surprise there.

LOL at thinking that the athletes are at the bottom of any totem pole at the Ivies. Maybe re SAT scores, but athletes and rich kids pretty much run the social scenes at every one of these schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll take the bait. My dd goes to a top a HYP. She came from public, dh and i are educated but are no means wealthy, we barely make over 200k. My dd has a deep musical talent and had a very prestigious music education, and graduated 1st in her class. She is more than prepared for this school. Socially, she tells me that there is a ton of imposter syndrome from ALL on the SES spectrum. I was told by a male classmate who joined us for dinner that everyone tries to figure out each other's "thing" i.e. how they got in, bc it's never just one thing. The "lowest" on the totem poll, which was surprising to me, were the Athletes. The group think there is that the academic standards are lowered very significantly for their admission. URM standards are not lowered nearly as much, as would have been my instinct, but I was told it's the athletes, many of whom hail from BS etc.

And I'll add that overall, this generation of kids are a bunch of loners. They don't socialize like we did, at least on campus. I'm sure you have seen on tours, you don't see groups of kids hanging out together. The influent of social media has totally reshaped how kids socialize, they do tend to not take social risks if that makes sense. Their seems to be too much predictability and less "lets throw a party and see what happens" and less impromptu get-togethers. Hard to explain. DD doesn't get it when I ask her bc that is their baseline.

DD has friends from every economic layer, making friends has a lot to do with your EC, so if you're an athlete who is poor, you WILL hang out with everyone on your team. DD has friends from the music ensembles, her house, and her courses. No surprise there.

LOL at thinking that the athletes are at the bottom of any totem pole at the Ivies. Maybe re SAT scores, but athletes and rich kids pretty much run the social scenes at every one of these schools.

I had a friend at a HYPS who would say that the quality of a class was inversely proportional to the number of baseball caps in the students' seats.

I'm very saddened by how cell phones probably affect how kids socialize at college. I can remember showing up in the cafeteria the first few weeks of school and sitting down with anyone who seemed a bit familiar (hall mates, students from class, etc.). Anyone who was familiar was welcome. Then we'd get into the pattern of knowing that our best pals usually ate around 6. Now, students probably text the 3 people they know from their first day and stick to those people like glue. It might seem much weirder to sit down with relative strangers.

[Anonymous]

DS had no trouble making friends, it’s not an extension of high school. His best friend is from a public school in WV. His roommates are from Iowa, Hawaii, and California. Kids find their group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll take the bait. My dd goes to a top a HYP. She came from public, dh and i are educated but are no means wealthy, we barely make over 200k. My dd has a deep musical talent and had a very prestigious music education, and graduated 1st in her class. She is more than prepared for this school. Socially, she tells me that there is a ton of imposter syndrome from ALL on the SES spectrum. I was told by a male classmate who joined us for dinner that everyone tries to figure out each other's "thing" i.e. how they got in, bc it's never just one thing. The "lowest" on the totem poll, which was surprising to me, were the Athletes. The group think there is that the academic standards are lowered very significantly for their admission. URM standards are not lowered nearly as much, as would have been my instinct, but I was told it's the athletes, many of whom hail from BS etc.

And I'll add that overall, this generation of kids are a bunch of loners. They don't socialize like we did, at least on campus. I'm sure you have seen on tours, you don't see groups of kids hanging out together. The influent of social media has totally reshaped how kids socialize, they do tend to not take social risks if that makes sense. Their seems to be too much predictability and less "lets throw a party and see what happens" and less impromptu get-togethers. Hard to explain. DD doesn't get it when I ask her bc that is their baseline.

DD has friends from every economic layer, making friends has a lot to do with your EC, so if you're an athlete who is poor, you WILL hang out with everyone on your team. DD has friends from the music ensembles, her house, and her courses. No surprise there.

LOL at thinking that the athletes are at the bottom of any totem pole at the Ivies. Maybe re SAT scores, but athletes and rich kids pretty much run the social scenes at every one of these schools.

I had a friend at a HYPS who would say that the quality of a class was inversely proportional to the number of baseball caps in the students' seats.

I'm very saddened by how cell phones probably affect how kids socialize at college. I can remember showing up in the cafeteria the first few weeks of school and sitting down with anyone who seemed a bit familiar (hall mates, students from class, etc.). Anyone who was familiar was welcome. Then we'd get into the pattern of knowing that our best pals usually ate around 6. Now, students probably text the 3 people they know from their first day and stick to those people like glue. It might seem much weirder to sit down with relative strangers.

Academically I'd say that most athletes at the Ivies tend to fall within the normal 25/75 range, with players from three sports (football, basketball, hockey) making up a solid chunk of the below 25%. The football and basketball teams are definitely the furthest out from the general population, but they tend to be pretty conscientious, hard-working students (which is how they end up at these schools in the first place).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ Nova kids at UVA and GTOWN don't really need to make new friends, as they know dozens if not hundreds the second they step on campus. Where as at a small Ivy they may not know anyone.

It's highly unlikely that they know hundreds of kids from the get go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a common complaint made in novels written by former Ivy Leaguers. So the perception that true middle class kids struggle a bit socially when surrounded by many with extreme wealth must have some basis in reality.

Not necessarily an income thing, more-so a geographic & feeder school thing. I mean who's going to have the social advantage: A kid from a school that sends maybe 1-2 a year to Harvard or the kids that attend some Silicon Valley public or NE boarding school that sends dozens of kids every year while also running in circles with kids at other feeders? And there's also something to be said about the savviness of these kids from feeders -- they know how to hit the ground running, ex. join the competitive clubs and then run the clubs.

What do you mean by the competitive clubs? And why would competitive clubs be better for friend making than more laid back clubs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to go to the same HS to know each other. They might have met on their travel soccer team, their middle school robotics club and/or at horseback riding or theater camp.

"Hundreds? What high school is sending hundreds of kids to UVA?"

Other than maybe T.J. in a good year, I don't know what this person is talking about. Our high school sent two (yes NOVA). No one comes in from NOVA knowing "100s".

My God you UVA moms are so pedantic and obtuse. Top nova high schools send dozens per year, kids know older and younger peers from their school, and others from the neighborhood = knowing 100s. Stop with your pathetic crusade to make UVA seem like some hyper-exclusive club -- it's not and it never will be.

http://www.arlingtonmagazine.com/college-admissions-snapshot/

First of all there are only a handful of "top Nova" high schools, so by default most incoming students even from Nova, wouldn't be from one of these schools. Second just because someone went to your HS, doesn't mean you know them to the extent that you will hang out with them.

[Anonymous]

Yes, they are required to wear a scarlet V at all times and are shunned by the community. But things are getting better. They used to be branded with a V. And some shades of scarlet almost disappear against a crimson background, so buy a lot of insignia wear.

[Anonymous]

^Sorry, Harvard is the only Ivy I know firsthand. Maybe things are better at the others.

[Anonymous]

This is an old thread but I'll respond anyway. I went to an Ivy from a mediocre public school. I didn't know anyone when I arrived but I made friends quickly, probably like all new freshmen.
One of my new best friends happened to be a girl who went to NCS. And yes, she did know and introduce us to other people from Sidwell, Landon, and St. Albans, and then I knew them all, too.

[Anonymous]

My DC is at an ivy with 10 other kids from DC private HS (about 120 kids in grade). Does DC hang around w them? No! Other than a nod when they see each other, they all have their own friends group they made on campus.

[Anonymous]

if it has been historically difficult to make friends for a kid that trend will likely continue in college regardless of where he/she is from. Such a weird question.