Putting 6yo in Closet at Bedtime--Too Much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:6yo DC can be a handful. Always pushing boundaries and asking for more. During the day, it's easy to set boundaries by changing the subject, talking it out, etc. But at bedtime, I can't say "Hey, we already talked about that. No, you can't have one more XX...hey, let's see if Larla is at the park!" At bedtime, I also can't talk out why he can't have one more kiss; it will never, ever end.

So, I am firm and we are done w/bedtime at 8 sharp. 95% of the time, it's no problem. Then 5% of the time, DC will insist he's scared/not tired/cold/hot. He'll really work himself up over it. If I thought he was really scared or whatever, I'd comfort him. But given that this only happens when he's onery about not getting another hug or kiss, I think it's a power play. He gets worked up and starts screaming, crying. Part of me wants to comfort him, but my brain says not to set a bad precedent. So, I tell him he can stay in his room (I let him choose to read), but he cannot wake the rest of the house. He must be quiet. OR, he goes in the closet for 1 minute. He hates the closet. It's dark.

Anyway, I threaten him a couple times, then in the closet he goes. After 2-3 times repeating this, he finally goes to bed.

I don't do corporal punishment and mostly do things straight out of the positive parenting books. So, this doesn't sit well with me. Part of me says, this is too harsh. The other part says, we can't go back to the bad old days of him weaseling his way into staying up way too late. This is the only way that's worked for us.

What do you guys think?

He's 6 - so, 1st grade? Kindergarten? It's the beginning of the school year, and that throws kids off sometimes. Also, has anything happened recently that could have upset him more than you expected it to?

You say that he throws a fit over not getting an extra hug/kiss. What does the rest of your bedtime routine look like? Is it rushed? Do you read to him before turning the lights out? I used to snuggle in bed and read to my son before tucking him in (and yes, sometimes he wanted extra hugs and kisses, or to go to the bathroom ONE last time (a hundred times it seemed), or get a drink, or whatever. It's stall tactics, I get it. BUT - letting him get to the point of totally worked up (screaming, crying, etc) just delayed bedtime even longer than the stall tactics. So, I gave up.

By giving up, I would say, "I will give you 3 kisses, and then you need to go to bed" and then I would walk out of the room, leave it open a crack so that there was some light, and that was it. If he got up to go to the bathroom/get a drink/whatever, he had to tuck himself back in.

The key to this working is that YOU must stay calm. If you are agitated, he's going to pick up on that. Do you have a partner who can take over when you get frustrated? (I'm a single parent, so I understand if you don't - it took a lot for me to learn to stay calm, and I had to leave the room a few times to have a drink of water or a piece of chocolate or something).

Something that is probably amping up the dramatics is that he knows that he's going to be put in the closet, and he's scared, but he doesn't know how to calm down. So you have to commit to stop putting him in the closet, and TELL HIM that you are going to stop. And then you have to follow through. The crying will get worse before it gets better, but once he realizes that you aren't going to put him in the closet, he will stop. And - when he does get that worked up - GIVE HIM A HUG. It costs you nothing. It doesn't diminish your parenting. It doesn't make him respect you less. Hugs and kisses and cuddles are GOOD for kids. So please, stop thinking its spoiling him, at that point in the evening, sleep is the goal - so whatever gets you there faster. He's SIX, he will mature so much in the next few years and this will become a distant memory.

[Anonymous]

Why are all you replying to a troll?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am claustrophobic and was afraid of the dark as a kid. This would have traumatized the HELL out of me, so I wouldn't do it to my kids. I think it's abusive to lock a kid in a dark place.

Is there some other consequence you can give? Loss of a toy or something he really loves? I hate bedtime shenanigans as much as the next parent, but I think you're going too far.

+1. This seems extreme for an otherwise normal 6yo especially if you say it's only 5% of the time. Your child isn't having a power struggle with you, he's 6 you win, who hasnt had a difficult night falling asleep or settling down. Tape a week calander to his door, let him check off green or red nights and if he gets a full week of green checks he can earn an allowance $1 or an ice cream or whatever is meaningful to him. Also, when having a hard time just tell him You understand, that you have to go do X and will come back in 5 mins to give him his hug or whatever and that he should just try to relax until you get back don't mention going to sleep. Locking him in a closet sounds batshit crazy to me. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's punishment not discipline.

I usually stay for 5 mins after reading every night and they are supposed to stay in bed after that. They like the door open. Usually I have a policy about shutting the door if they are getting out of bed - you can put pieces of tape on the floor as a visual - one warning it goes to the first piece of tape towards closed. Two warnings it goes to the second piece (more closed) and third warning the door is shut.

Something like this. Make it so you can lock the door from the outside if needed, but allow him to be locked in his room, not the closet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6yo DC can be a handful. Always pushing boundaries and asking for more. During the day, it's easy to set boundaries by changing the subject, talking it out, etc. But at bedtime, I can't say "Hey, we already talked about that. No, you can't have one more XX...hey, let's see if Larla is at the park!" At bedtime, I also can't talk out why he can't have one more kiss; it will never, ever end.

So, I am firm and we are done w/bedtime at 8 sharp. 95% of the time, it's no problem. Then 5% of the time, DC will insist he's scared/not tired/cold/hot. He'll really work himself up over it. If I thought he was really scared or whatever, I'd comfort him. But given that this only happens when he's onery about not getting another hug or kiss, I think it's a power play. He gets worked up and starts screaming, crying. Part of me wants to comfort him, but my brain says not to set a bad precedent. So, I tell him he can stay in his room (I let him choose to read), but he cannot wake the rest of the house. He must be quiet. OR, he goes in the closet for 1 minute. He hates the closet. It's dark.

Anyway, I threaten him a couple times, then in the closet he goes. After 2-3 times repeating this, he finally goes to bed.

I don't do corporal punishment and mostly do things straight out of the positive parenting books. So, this doesn't sit well with me. Part of me says, this is too harsh. The other part says, we can't go back to the bad old days of him weaseling his way into staying up way too late. This is the only way that's worked for us.

What do you guys think?

He's 6 - so, 1st grade? Kindergarten? It's the beginning of the school year, and that throws kids off sometimes. Also, has anything happened recently that could have upset him more than you expected it to?

You say that he throws a fit over not getting an extra hug/kiss. What does the rest of your bedtime routine look like? Is it rushed? Do you read to him before turning the lights out? I used to snuggle in bed and read to my son before tucking him in (and yes, sometimes he wanted extra hugs and kisses, or to go to the bathroom ONE last time (a hundred times it seemed), or get a drink, or whatever. It's stall tactics, I get it. BUT - letting him get to the point of totally worked up (screaming, crying, etc) just delayed bedtime even longer than the stall tactics. So, I gave up.

By giving up, I would say, "I will give you 3 kisses, and then you need to go to bed" and then I would walk out of the room, leave it open a crack so that there was some light, and that was it. If he got up to go to the bathroom/get a drink/whatever, he had to tuck himself back in.

The key to this working is that YOU must stay calm. If you are agitated, he's going to pick up on that. Do you have a partner who can take over when you get frustrated? (I'm a single parent, so I understand if you don't - it took a lot for me to learn to stay calm, and I had to leave the room a few times to have a drink of water or a piece of chocolate or something).

Something that is probably amping up the dramatics is that he knows that he's going to be put in the closet, and he's scared, but he doesn't know how to calm down. So you have to commit to stop putting him in the closet, and TELL HIM that you are going to stop. And then you have to follow through. The crying will get worse before it gets better, but once he realizes that you aren't going to put him in the closet, he will stop. And - when he does get that worked up - GIVE HIM A HUG. It costs you nothing. It doesn't diminish your parenting. It doesn't make him respect you less. Hugs and kisses and cuddles are GOOD for kids. So please, stop thinking its spoiling him, at that point in the evening, sleep is the goal - so whatever gets you there faster. He's SIX, he will mature so much in the next few years and this will become a distant memory.

So much this. Even adults can have a hard time calming themselves down. Little kids are still learning how to do this. They get upset, they can't calm down, and that freaks them out even more.

And I simply do not believe that you will spoil a child by giving him a hug when he's upset. You might spoil him by giving into his demands for things he shouldn't have or you don't want him to have, but physical affection to help calm a crying child is not going to spoil him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6yo DC can be a handful. Always pushing boundaries and asking for more. During the day, it's easy to set boundaries by changing the subject, talking it out, etc. But at bedtime, I can't say "Hey, we already talked about that. No, you can't have one more XX...hey, let's see if Larla is at the park!" At bedtime, I also can't talk out why he can't have one more kiss; it will never, ever end.

So, I am firm and we are done w/bedtime at 8 sharp. 95% of the time, it's no problem. Then 5% of the time, DC will insist he's scared/not tired/cold/hot. He'll really work himself up over it. If I thought he was really scared or whatever, I'd comfort him. But given that this only happens when he's onery about not getting another hug or kiss, I think it's a power play. He gets worked up and starts screaming, crying. Part of me wants to comfort him, but my brain says not to set a bad precedent. So, I tell him he can stay in his room (I let him choose to read), but he cannot wake the rest of the house. He must be quiet. OR, he goes in the closet for 1 minute. He hates the closet. It's dark.

Anyway, I threaten him a couple times, then in the closet he goes. After 2-3 times repeating this, he finally goes to bed.

I don't do corporal punishment and mostly do things straight out of the positive parenting books. So, this doesn't sit well with me. Part of me says, this is too harsh. The other part says, we can't go back to the bad old days of him weaseling his way into staying up way too late. This is the only way that's worked for us.

What do you guys think?

He's 6 - so, 1st grade? Kindergarten? It's the beginning of the school year, and that throws kids off sometimes. Also, has anything happened recently that could have upset him more than you expected it to?

You say that he throws a fit over not getting an extra hug/kiss. What does the rest of your bedtime routine look like? Is it rushed? Do you read to him before turning the lights out? I used to snuggle in bed and read to my son before tucking him in (and yes, sometimes he wanted extra hugs and kisses, or to go to the bathroom ONE last time (a hundred times it seemed), or get a drink, or whatever. It's stall tactics, I get it. BUT - letting him get to the point of totally worked up (screaming, crying, etc) just delayed bedtime even longer than the stall tactics. So, I gave up.

By giving up, I would say, "I will give you 3 kisses, and then you need to go to bed" and then I would walk out of the room, leave it open a crack so that there was some light, and that was it. If he got up to go to the bathroom/get a drink/whatever, he had to tuck himself back in.

The key to this working is that YOU must stay calm. If you are agitated, he's going to pick up on that. Do you have a partner who can take over when you get frustrated? (I'm a single parent, so I understand if you don't - it took a lot for me to learn to stay calm, and I had to leave the room a few times to have a drink of water or a piece of chocolate or something).

Something that is probably amping up the dramatics is that he knows that he's going to be put in the closet, and he's scared, but he doesn't know how to calm down. So you have to commit to stop putting him in the closet, and TELL HIM that you are going to stop. And then you have to follow through. The crying will get worse before it gets better, but once he realizes that you aren't going to put him in the closet, he will stop. And - when he does get that worked up - GIVE HIM A HUG. It costs you nothing. It doesn't diminish your parenting. It doesn't make him respect you less. Hugs and kisses and cuddles are GOOD for kids. So please, stop thinking its spoiling him, at that point in the evening, sleep is the goal - so whatever gets you there faster. He's SIX, he will mature so much in the next few years and this will become a distant memory.

So much this. Even adults can have a hard time calming themselves down. Little kids are still learning how to do this. They get upset, they can't calm down, and that freaks them out even more.

And I simply do not believe that you will spoil a child by giving him a hug when he's upset. You might spoil him by giving into his demands for things he shouldn't have or you don't want him to have, but physical affection to help calm a crying child is not going to spoil him.

I'm the PP right before you, and I agree with the bolded 100%. OP, hugging a child WILL NOT spoil them. Just like holding a baby WILL NOT spoil them. They are little, and learning, and NEED physical affection to thrive. All the research backs this up. Stop withholding physical affection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6yo DC can be a handful. Always pushing boundaries and asking for more. During the day, it's easy to set boundaries by changing the subject, talking it out, etc. But at bedtime, I can't say "Hey, we already talked about that. No, you can't have one more XX...hey, let's see if Larla is at the park!" At bedtime, I also can't talk out why he can't have one more kiss; it will never, ever end.

So, I am firm and we are done w/bedtime at 8 sharp. 95% of the time, it's no problem. Then 5% of the time, DC will insist he's scared/not tired/cold/hot. He'll really work himself up over it. If I thought he was really scared or whatever, I'd comfort him. But given that this only happens when he's onery about not getting another hug or kiss, I think it's a power play. He gets worked up and starts screaming, crying. Part of me wants to comfort him, but my brain says not to set a bad precedent. So, I tell him he can stay in his room (I let him choose to read), but he cannot wake the rest of the house. He must be quiet. OR, he goes in the closet for 1 minute. He hates the closet. It's dark.

Anyway, I threaten him a couple times, then in the closet he goes. After 2-3 times repeating this, he finally goes to bed.

I don't do corporal punishment and mostly do things straight out of the positive parenting books. So, this doesn't sit well with me. Part of me says, this is too harsh. The other part says, we can't go back to the bad old days of him weaseling his way into staying up way too late. This is the only way that's worked for us.

What do you guys think?

He's 6 - so, 1st grade? Kindergarten? It's the beginning of the school year, and that throws kids off sometimes. Also, has anything happened recently that could have upset him more than you expected it to?

You say that he throws a fit over not getting an extra hug/kiss. What does the rest of your bedtime routine look like? Is it rushed? Do you read to him before turning the lights out? I used to snuggle in bed and read to my son before tucking him in (and yes, sometimes he wanted extra hugs and kisses, or to go to the bathroom ONE last time (a hundred times it seemed), or get a drink, or whatever. It's stall tactics, I get it. BUT - letting him get to the point of totally worked up (screaming, crying, etc) just delayed bedtime even longer than the stall tactics. So, I gave up.

By giving up, I would say, "I will give you 3 kisses, and then you need to go to bed" and then I would walk out of the room, leave it open a crack so that there was some light, and that was it. If he got up to go to the bathroom/get a drink/whatever, he had to tuck himself back in.

The key to this working is that YOU must stay calm. If you are agitated, he's going to pick up on that. Do you have a partner who can take over when you get frustrated? (I'm a single parent, so I understand if you don't - it took a lot for me to learn to stay calm, and I had to leave the room a few times to have a drink of water or a piece of chocolate or something).

Something that is probably amping up the dramatics is that he knows that he's going to be put in the closet, and he's scared, but he doesn't know how to calm down. So you have to commit to stop putting him in the closet, and TELL HIM that you are going to stop. And then you have to follow through. The crying will get worse before it gets better, but once he realizes that you aren't going to put him in the closet, he will stop. And - when he does get that worked up - GIVE HIM A HUG. It costs you nothing. It doesn't diminish your parenting. It doesn't make him respect you less. Hugs and kisses and cuddles are GOOD for kids. So please, stop thinking its spoiling him, at that point in the evening, sleep is the goal - so whatever gets you there faster. He's SIX, he will mature so much in the next few years and this will become a distant memory.

So much this. Even adults can have a hard time calming themselves down. Little kids are still learning how to do this. They get upset, they can't calm down, and that freaks them out even more.

And I simply do not believe that you will spoil a child by giving him a hug when he's upset. You might spoil him by giving into his demands for things he shouldn't have or you don't want him to have, but physical affection to help calm a crying child is not going to spoil him.

I'm the PP right before you, and I agree with the bolded 100%. OP, hugging a child WILL NOT spoil them. Just like holding a baby WILL NOT spoil them. They are little, and learning, and NEED physical affection to thrive. All the research backs this up. Stop withholding physical affection.

[Anonymous]

I hope this is a troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I teach six year olds. If one of them told me that they were being locked in a dark closet I would be on the phone the next minute reporting to proper authorities.

+1 - I think part of the problem OP is that he's afraid/doesn't like it, and you know this. Yet, use it as a tool to subdue him. If it were just that the dark closet was calming to him, then I wouldn't have a problem with it. But there's a host of child abuse stories involving locked closets and children, and you put yourself in a very precarious position by continuing to use it.

[Anonymous]

it's cruel.

[Anonymous]

Honestly stuff like this can traumatize you forever. My dad scared me when I was about 7. He thought he was being funny. He hid around the corner and then jumped out when I walked through. I still remember this 30 years later. I went hysterical and laid on the floor shaking for a really long time. I'm still incredibly shaky and jumpy and when it's dark I think about him jumping out. still have nightmares occasionally.

[Anonymous]

OP, my DS (who is almost 9) has a similar issue with being fine turning out lights and going to sleep at the appointed time most of the time, but then having issues with it once in a while, saying he's scared or nervous or just asking if I can stay while he falls asleep. My rule is that as long as he is resting calmly and trying to sleep, I will stay. It happens so infrequently that I assume there's something going on underneath it, such as having read a book that has him spooked or something upsetting happening at school that he didn't tell me about, so I give him the bit of extra comfort. But, again, he has to be doing his part to fall asleep or else I leave the room. When I started agreeing to it I was concerned it might lead him to ask more and more, but the opposite happened -- the most willing I was to give him the extra company he was asking for, the less often he felt the need to ask. I bring an ipad with me and sit in a place where the light won't be shining on him and he can't see it, and then I can answer email and stuff while he falls asleep.

[Anonymous]

Jesus.H.Christ. Your kid wants another hug/kiss so instead you lock them in a closet. OP, you are a terrible person. Anyone know if there is a way for this site to trace the IP address and report this abuser to CPS? Of all the insanity I have read on here, this might be the worst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Duck and cover, OP, duck and cover. It's about to get ugly.

PS - I think it's fine.

I think it's fine too

[Anonymous]

I was forced to stay in a dark bathroom as punishment when I was little. I was terrified.

As an adult, I am still afraid of the dark. I still think about that bathroom sometimes.

I am also a generally anxious person as an adult. I catastrophize scenarios that don't seem to bother other people. I also am afraid of the streets at night, traveling on airplanes, and myriad other parts of normal life.

It could be the dear bathroom punishment that contributed to this. But also genetics because anxiety does run in my family.