Putting 6yo in Closet at Bedtime--Too Much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:6yo DC can be a handful. Always pushing boundaries and asking for more. During the day, it's easy to set boundaries by changing the subject, talking it out, etc. But at bedtime, I can't say "Hey, we already talked about that. No, you can't have one more XX...hey, let's see if Larla is at the park!" At bedtime, I also can't talk out why he can't have one more kiss; it will never, ever end.

So, I am firm and we are done w/bedtime at 8 sharp. 95% of the time, it's no problem. Then 5% of the time, DC will insist he's scared/not tired/cold/hot. He'll really work himself up over it. If I thought he was really scared or whatever, I'd comfort him. But given that this only happens when he's onery about not getting another hug or kiss, I think it's a power play. He gets worked up and starts screaming, crying. Part of me wants to comfort him, but my brain says not to set a bad precedent. So, I tell him he can stay in his room (I let him choose to read), but he cannot wake the rest of the house. He must be quiet. OR, he goes in the closet for 1 minute. He hates the closet. It's dark.

Anyway, I threaten him a couple times, then in the closet he goes. After 2-3 times repeating this, he finally goes to bed.

I don't do corporal punishment and mostly do things straight out of the postive parenting books. So, this doesn't sit well with me. Part of me says, this is too harsh. The other part says, we can't go back to the bad old days of him weaseling his way into staying up way too late. This is the only way that's worked for us.

What do you guys think?

OMG creepy. I would be conflicted about reporting this situation if a student revealed this to me. For sure I would be talking with the school psych...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly stuff like this can traumatize you forever. My dad scared me when I was about 7. He thought he was being funny. He hid around the corner and then jumped out when I walked through. I still remember this 30 years later. I went hysterical and laid on the floor shaking for a really long time. I'm still incredibly shaky and jumpy and when it's dark I think about him jumping out. still have nightmares occasionally.

Seriously? I just did this to my kid, she thought it was hysterical after she jumped about a mile. It wasn't his fault that you completely overreacted. And its completely different than locking a terrified kid in a closet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6yo DC can be a handful. Always pushing boundaries and asking for more. During the day, it's easy to set boundaries by changing the subject, talking it out, etc. But at bedtime, I can't say "Hey, we already talked about that. No, you can't have one more XX...hey, let's see if Larla is at the park!" At bedtime, I also can't talk out why he can't have one more kiss; it will never, ever end.

So, I am firm and we are done w/bedtime at 8 sharp. 95% of the time, it's no problem. Then 5% of the time, DC will insist he's scared/not tired/cold/hot. He'll really work himself up over it. If I thought he was really scared or whatever, I'd comfort him. But given that this only happens when he's onery about not getting another hug or kiss, I think it's a power play. He gets worked up and starts screaming, crying. Part of me wants to comfort him, but my brain says not to set a bad precedent. So, I tell him he can stay in his room (I let him choose to read), but he cannot wake the rest of the house. He must be quiet. OR, he goes in the closet for 1 minute. He hates the closet. It's dark.

Anyway, I threaten him a couple times, then in the closet he goes. After 2-3 times repeating this, he finally goes to bed.

I don't do corporal punishment and mostly do things straight out of the positive parenting books. So, this doesn't sit well with me. Part of me says, this is too harsh. The other part says, we can't go back to the bad old days of him weaseling his way into staying up way too late. This is the only way that's worked for us.

What do you guys think?

He's 6 - so, 1st grade? Kindergarten? It's the beginning of the school year, and that throws kids off sometimes. Also, has anything happened recently that could have upset him more than you expected it to?

You say that he throws a fit over not getting an extra hug/kiss. What does the rest of your bedtime routine look like? Is it rushed? Do you read to him before turning the lights out? I used to snuggle in bed and read to my son before tucking him in (and yes, sometimes he wanted extra hugs and kisses, or to go to the bathroom ONE last time (a hundred times it seemed), or get a drink, or whatever. It's stall tactics, I get it. BUT - letting him get to the point of totally worked up (screaming, crying, etc) just delayed bedtime even longer than the stall tactics. So, I gave up.

By giving up, I would say, "I will give you 3 kisses, and then you need to go to bed" and then I would walk out of the room, leave it open a crack so that there was some light, and that was it. If he got up to go to the bathroom/get a drink/whatever, he had to tuck himself back in.

The key to this working is that YOU must stay calm. If you are agitated, he's going to pick up on that. Do you have a partner who can take over when you get frustrated? (I'm a single parent, so I understand if you don't - it took a lot for me to learn to stay calm, and I had to leave the room a few times to have a drink of water or a piece of chocolate or something).

Something that is probably amping up the dramatics is that he knows that he's going to be put in the closet, and he's scared, but he doesn't know how to calm down. So you have to commit to stop putting him in the closet, and TELL HIM that you are going to stop. And then you have to follow through. The crying will get worse before it gets better, but once he realizes that you aren't going to put him in the closet, he will stop. And - when he does get that worked up - GIVE HIM A HUG. It costs you nothing. It doesn't diminish your parenting. It doesn't make him respect you less. Hugs and kisses and cuddles are GOOD for kids. So please, stop thinking its spoiling him, at that point in the evening, sleep is the goal - so whatever gets you there faster. He's SIX, he will mature so much in the next few years and this will become a distant memory.

This is spot on. He is going to throw the tantrum of his life as he subconsciously tests whether he can trust you. But you will probably stick this precious angel (who fails to be perfect 5% of the time at age 6!) back in the dark scary closet when he needs you the most. Freaking sick. Your opportunity to guide and PARENT your kids is in these situations, not when everything is rosy.

[Anonymous]

Seriously? I just did this to my kid, she thought it was hysterical after she jumped about a mile. It wasn't his fault that you completely overreacted. And its completely different than locking a terrified kid in a closet.

You are just lucky your daughter perceived your sick behavior humorously. Clearly she does not take uou seriously. Good work, mom.

[Anonymous]

So, he gets upset and worked up and can't calm himself down, and instead of comforting him, you threaten to lock him in the closet? And for some reason, this does not cause him to calm down? So you lock him in the closet?

In addition to being cruel, this is so counter-productive. If a kid is upset, common sense, if not basic empathy, should suggest that threatening them with something scary isn't really going to help them calm down.

[Anonymous]

This is horrible. You are terrorizing a child who is in need of help. What that help truly is, I have no idea and it sounds like you don't either.

I had a friend growing up who got put in a closet. It progressed until the grandparents (her own parents were unfit and the grandparents - who had custody - couldn't handle her form of acting out) put a lock on the door because she'd escape. At some point, CPS got involved. Things can get out of hand and this is no joking matter.

All that said, I hope you are not really doing this to a child and are just trying to create drama here on DCUM. If you are real, sounds like CPS should get involved and you need some parenting classes.

[Anonymous]

I'd observe what was different those 5% of those times that he responded in those ways, and try to control that, to avoid this type of meltdown.

My daughter is like your son. I don't do that. I let her cry it out. She becomes hysterical if I leave the room, so I sit in a corner and read a book and practice deep breathing. Eventually she runs out of steam and puts herself to sleep. It requires a lot of patience but I can only imagine the dark closet might increase his anxiety in the long run.

[Anonymous]

I think it all depends on the context in which it takes place. If the dark closet is a terrifying place, then no. But if it's just a small place that gets him to calm down, I think it's fine.

Personally, I would just spank (deliberately, not in anger, with a discussion, etc.) and I have done that for some bedtime issues. You said you're against corporal punishment, but I don't see your alternative as clearly superior.

[Anonymous]

Your child may develop a complex. Lots of therapy in the years ahead. I say that as a child who spent a lot of time forced into a closet.

[Anonymous]

How did you even come up with this idea, op?

Do a damn sticker chart. Start off with a reward every single morning. His favorite breakfast, a tv she's, even a toy. Try it. Keep at it. Don't give in. And stop putting him in the closet. Jesus.

[Anonymous]

19:57 here. I just remembered. Carrie. The movie Carrie. I'm picturing op as Piper Laurie with her wild hair. Scary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take a parenting class so you can understand child development and your responsibilities. Attributing your son's behavior as a power play shows you don't understand your children.

As a social worker I 100% completely agree.

You may not physically be doing damage, but you're definitely instilling using psychological & emotional damage as a punishment.

If your child already hates the dark & you're forcing him into a dark closet as a punishment, he will develop trust issues with you. This is a definite.

This can backfire on you in oh so many ways, OP & you positing here tells us that you're uneasy with this as well.

[Anonymous]

Well, I'm probably projecting here only because my DC is afraid of the dark, but that sounds harsh. As long as you know he isn't afraid of it, I guess. Otherwise, that would be quite traumatic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take a parenting class so you can understand child development and your responsibilities. Attributing your son's behavior as a power play shows you don't understand your children.

As a social worker I 100% completely agree.

You may not physically be doing damage, but you're definitely instilling using psychological & emotional damage as a punishment.

If your child already hates the dark & you're forcing him into a dark closet as a punishment, he will develop trust issues with you. This is a definite.

This can backfire on you in oh so many ways, OP & you positing here tells us that you're uneasy with this as well.

THIS!

Couldn't have said it any better.
Take a parenting class, develop some empathy.
YOU want to punish him for wanting a few more hugs & kisses... you are seriously unreal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take a parenting class so you can understand child development and your responsibilities. Attributing your son's behavior as a power play shows you don't understand your children.

As a social worker I 100% completely agree.

You may not physically be doing damage, but you're definitely instilling using psychological & emotional damage as a punishment.

If your child already hates the dark & you're forcing him into a dark closet as a punishment, he will develop trust issues with you. This is a definite.

This can backfire on you in oh so many ways, OP & you positing here tells us that you're uneasy with this as well.

Question for the social worker: Is this the type of situation that CPS would investigate if, say, the kid tells a mandatory reporter (e.g., a teacher) about it?