alright -- tell me if i'm right to be upset here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry but from these descriptions you both sound insufferable. And obsessed with one-upping each other.

One upping? Not at all. Hurt that there is zero interest in anything having to do with me, when I have gone to great lengths to give her emotional support and time over the years? Absolutely.

You can't change your sister's behavior. You can only change your reaction to it. If you can't figure that out on your own, a terapist can help ( it should only take a few sessions).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you live in the DC area? I would absolutely not expect my sibling to fly cross country for a kid's birthday party, even a 1st birthday. I would not have gone overseas to her master's graduation (non-terminal degree graduations are not a big deal). And I would not expect her to go to her BIL's grad school graduation either.

This. Our extended family lives across the country and it never occurred to me they would want to attend the kids' parties, first birthday party or not. I also wouldn't expect them at any graduation (maybe his mom would go) events. There is nothing worse than a graduation ceremony. Why on earth would you go to your sister's, especially with a toddler. It sounds like hell.

[Anonymous]

I mean, I haven't yet met my newest niece and likely won't for years because her family isn't flying the two adults and 4 kids out here and I'm not flying my baby out there...and most certainly not for a 1st birthday party.

(My sibling didn't come to my law school graduation, nor would I expect him to....I barely wanted to go.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound jealous of her $200k HHI and the fact that she's getting her PhD. Are you a SAHM?

LOL -- ok, first of all, your post insults SAHMs. second of all, i'm not a SAHM. my husband and i have a HHI of $350,000. we just got back from a 2.5 week European vacation.

i am not jealous of her PhD in the humanities.

Obviously, your sister, on some level, realizes you are a complete, utter bitch and is getting distance from you. Because your disdain is crazy obvious.

We can close the thread now, lol.

How am I a complete, utter bitch by telling the truth when someone asks me an insulting question?

DP, curious why you found a question about whether you're a SAHM offensive. Is there something wrong with being a SAHM?

Because it came as part of a question asking whether i'm jealous of a certain income and academic achievement. It implicitly assumes that a SAHM would be some person who sits there and is jealous of others who are out there accomplishing things. I found the question insulting precisely because I don't think there's anything wrong with being a SAHM.

The reason I have these expectations of my sister is because in my family, it is a given that we go to one another's graduations, birthday parties, etc. I recognize that this isn't the case for everyone, but it is the case for my family. As a result, her decision to not attend my family's events (while making it clear she expects me to attend her events) is anomalous.

Up until recently I was a SAHM, and I was incredibly jealous of my friends who were working or going back to school because as much as I valued the work I was doing at home, I was also bored to tears. There is nothin wrong with being a SAHM, but that doesn't mean that some SAHMs don't feel jealous of their working counterparts sometimes.

[Anonymous]

You don't sound like a very happy person, OP. I agree with PP - you should go to a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you live in the DC area? I would absolutely not expect my sibling to fly cross country for a kid's birthday party, even a 1st birthday. I would not have gone overseas to her master's graduation (non-terminal degree graduations are not a big deal). And I would not expect her to go to her BIL's grad school graduation either.

This. Our extended family lives across the country and it never occurred to me they would want to attend the kids' parties, first birthday party or not. I also wouldn't expect them at any graduation (maybe his mom would go) events. There is nothing worse than a graduation ceremony. Why on earth would you go to your sister's, especially with a toddler. It sounds like hell.

Because if I don't go, and bring my husband and kid, she will be hugely and massively insulted. At the same time, she has no intention of going to anything related to my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry but from these descriptions you both sound insufferable. And obsessed with one-upping each other.

One upping? Not at all. Hurt that there is zero interest in anything having to do with me, when I have gone to great lengths to give her emotional support and time over the years? Absolutely.

I'm sorry-that's frustrating, but you should act accordingly now that you've come to this realization. Don't give her effort that will hurt you if not reciprocated.

Your snarky comments about how much her husband makes (in a HIGHER COL area than DC!) and her degree in the humanities aren't helping your case here, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't sound like a very happy person, OP. I agree with PP - you should go to a therapist.

Outside of my relationship with my sister, I'm an incredibly happy person. I love my job, my husband, my child ... my life is great outside of my issues with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry but from these descriptions you both sound insufferable. And obsessed with one-upping each other.

One upping? Not at all. Hurt that there is zero interest in anything having to do with me, when I have gone to great lengths to give her emotional support and time over the years? Absolutely.

I'm sorry-that's frustrating, but you should act accordingly now that you've come to this realization. Don't give her effort that will hurt you if not reciprocated.

Your snarky comments about how much her husband makes (in a HIGHER COL area than DC!) and her degree in the humanities aren't helping your case here, though.

The reason I made those comments were because people were making snarky comments to me. Maybe I should've taken the high road.

[Anonymous]

She lives cross country and has already met your not yet 1yo dd twice. That's very good actually. I and friends have many cross country sibs, and seeing a niece/nephew once a year is normal.

Lower your expectations. Skip the graduation if you want.

[Anonymous]

Did you marry first? Was she the same way when you were planning your wedding? Then when she got married, did she want you there for every event?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She lives cross country and has already met your not yet 1yo dd twice. That's very good actually. I and friends have many cross country sibs, and seeing a niece/nephew once a year is normal.

Lower your expectations. Skip the graduation if you want.

She went to visit my kid once. The other time was at my grandma's birthday party (which she flew from CA to FL for because, like I said earlier, we're a family that goes to one another's events).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound jealous of her $200k HHI and the fact that she's getting her PhD. Are you a SAHM?

LOL -- ok, first of all, your post insults SAHMs. second of all, i'm not a SAHM. my husband and i have a HHI of $350,000. we just got back from a 2.5 week European vacation.

i am not jealous of her PhD in the humanities.

Obviously, your sister, on some level, realizes you are a complete, utter bitch and is getting distance from you. Because your disdain is crazy obvious.

We can close the thread now, lol.

How am I a complete, utter bitch by telling the truth when someone asks me an insulting question?

DP, curious why you found a question about whether you're a SAHM offensive. Is there something wrong with being a SAHM?

Because it came as part of a question asking whether i'm jealous of a certain income and academic achievement. It implicitly assumes that a SAHM would be some person who sits there and is jealous of others who are out there accomplishing things. I found the question insulting precisely because I don't think there's anything wrong with being a SAHM.

The reason I have these expectations of my sister is because in my family, it is a given that we go to one another's graduations, birthday parties, etc. I recognize that this isn't the case for everyone, but it is the case for my family. As a result, her decision to not attend my family's events (while making it clear she expects me to attend her events) is anomalous.

How does she make it clear she expects you to attend her events? If she does, then I think she is being unreasonable and also is not being fair by not attending similar events for you.

However, the question is what can you do about it. You can't make her change. What you can do is stop expecting her to be different than she is. Yes it may be disappointing, but it will be better if you can accept that and stop feeling surprised when she doesn't ask you about your life, and doesn't travel to attend your events. You can decide whether that also means you want to talk to her less and not travel to her events.

I suppose you could try, once, saying "Larla, I am hurt that you aren't going to make it to X since I am making a big effort to go to your Y." But I don't think I would do that, because what would it really accomplish? Guilt her into attending something that she doesn't really want to be at? Would you really feel better about the relationship then?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you marry first? Was she the same way when you were planning your wedding? Then when she got married, did she want you there for every event?

I got married one year before she did. She showed no interest in my wedding, but did go to it. She expected me to be at everything for her wedding, which I was.

[Anonymous]

Only my mom and husband went to my grad school graduation.

Only I went to my husband's phd graduation.