alright -- tell me if i'm right to be upset here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You live across the country, and she's seen your daughter 2 times in the past year? That's actually pretty good - especially for working on her PhD.

I would never think of going to an in-laws graduation.

You should not feel obligated to go to her graduation either. See each other because you want to, not on "occasions" or because you have to.

If she's working on her dissertation, the Fall may be an extremely busy time. Don't overthink things, or look for offense when it's not that complicated - sometimes people have their own important stuff going on.

Agreed. OP, I think you're expecting an awful lot of your sister.

Agree. My sisters both flat out told me they did not expect me to travel home for their kids' first birthday parties. If I was already in town, great, if not, no big deal but it was not an event to travel for. I didn't go home for either of my BILs MBA graduations because, again, it wasn't an event to travel for. In fact, it kind of sucks for the family when I do go home for these one off events as it generally means it isn't a good time for a longer, more substantial visit. They'd rather I wait for a good time to come home for a real visit so we all actually get to spend time with each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you live in the DC area? I would absolutely not expect my sibling to fly cross country for a kid's birthday party, even a 1st birthday. I would not have gone overseas to her master's graduation (non-terminal degree graduations are not a big deal). And I would not expect her to go to her BIL's grad school graduation either.

Same here. I wouldn't expect her to travel to you for the events you mentioned, but I wouldn't expect you to go to graduation. If you want to go, then go - but don't expect the same from her. Not flying across the country for a first Birthday or a BIL's graduation is reasonable and understandable.

It sounds like you go above and beyond by anyone's standards, OP - which is wonderful and your sister is lucky to have you. But you're not right to be upset. Disappointed, yes.

[Anonymous]

I skipped my own graduation ceremonies and I don't expect any relatives at kids' parties (the first birthday party?). Maybe, your SIL of a similar opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who in the world would fly cross-country for a 1-year-old's birthday???

PP here and yes - this too. This seems crazy.

[Anonymous]

I think it's fair to want her to express and interest in your child (who is a very important part of your life) and to want her to reach out to you by some mode of communication. I think flying across the country for a kid's party or for a BIL's graduation is an unusual level of commitment, and it's not fair to hold it against her if she can't or doesn't want to travel for those events.

[Anonymous]

OP here -- she has a lot of disposable cash because her husband makes $200,000/year in the private sector and they live in a rent-controlled studio. I bring up my child, and she literally acts like I haven't said a thing.

I get that I might be expecting too much for her to fly out for the party or the graduation (though they're very close together, so you could easily do it in one trip). I guess my bigger issue is that she just shows zero interest in my life, or the life of my baby. Our phone conversations are entirely about her. This is something that started well before she was in her PhD program.

[Anonymous]

No need to attend. My sister did not attend two of my three childrens weddings. Life goes on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- she has a lot of disposable cash because her husband makes $200,000/year in the private sector and they live in a rent-controlled studio. I bring up my child, and she literally acts like I haven't said a thing.

I get that I might be expecting too much for her to fly out for the party or the graduation (though they're very close together, so you could easily do it in one trip). I guess my bigger issue is that she just shows zero interest in my life, or the life of my baby. Our phone conversations are entirely about her. This is something that started well before she was in her PhD program.

If this is the way she's always been, why are you expecting her to be different now?

Are the birthday party and the graduation within 24 hours or each other? If not, how much free time do you think she has to travel for your events?

[Anonymous]

Okay, so your sister is a selfish twat. Acknowledge that and move on. Stop hoping she'll magically change.

[Anonymous]

One-year old birthday parties are horribly boring. I would never expect someone to attend, much less to fly across the country to do so while they're about to finish their PhD. Just accept that you're the only one who cares about the party and move on. (And yes, I have little kids, and I have thrown birthday parties for them).

As for graduation, if you want to go out there and see hers, then great. But don't expect reciprocity. Graduations are also horribly boring. It's one thing to be there for someone to support them, but you can do that in any number of ways without actually sitting through the ceremony.

Finally, as for kids, no one is as interested in your kids as you are. Frankly, you sound like the type of person that expects others to care about the minute details of your kid's life. Much like all the above, get over the fact that no one else really cares. Sure, they don't want harm to come to your kid, and probably enjoy actually spending time with them, but they don't want to listen to you drone on and on about sleep schedules, feedings, etc.

You can be upset about whatever you want to be upset about, but you're not justified to be upset at your sister for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One-year old birthday parties are horribly boring. I would never expect someone to attend, much less to fly across the country to do so while they're about to finish their PhD. Just accept that you're the only one who cares about the party and move on. (And yes, I have little kids, and I have thrown birthday parties for them).

As for graduation, if you want to go out there and see hers, then great. But don't expect reciprocity. Graduations are also horribly boring. It's one thing to be there for someone to support them, but you can do that in any number of ways without actually sitting through the ceremony.

Finally, as for kids, no one is as interested in your kids as you are. Frankly, you sound like the type of person that expects others to care about the minute details of your kid's life. Much like all the above, get over the fact that no one else really cares. Sure, they don't want harm to come to your kid, and probably enjoy actually spending time with them, but they don't want to listen to you drone on and on about sleep schedules, feedings, etc.

You can be upset about whatever you want to be upset about, but you're not justified to be upset at your sister for this.

This 100%.

[Anonymous]

I don't expect her to care about the minute details of my kid's life, and I barely mention my kid to anyone other than my parents and my sister.

The conversation goes like this:

My sister -- let me tell you about all the drama in my grad dept

Me -- so this is what my daughter and I have been doing lately

My sister -- let me continue to tell you about grad dept drama (this involves her 100% ignoring that I said anything)

I'll just adjust my expectations and not expect her to give a crap about my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One-year old birthday parties are horribly boring. I would never expect someone to attend, much less to fly across the country to do so while they're about to finish their PhD. Just accept that you're the only one who cares about the party and move on. (And yes, I have little kids, and I have thrown birthday parties for them).

As for graduation, if you want to go out there and see hers, then great. But don't expect reciprocity. Graduations are also horribly boring. It's one thing to be there for someone to support them, but you can do that in any number of ways without actually sitting through the ceremony.

Finally, as for kids, no one is as interested in your kids as you are. Frankly, you sound like the type of person that expects others to care about the minute details of your kid's life. Much like all the above, get over the fact that no one else really cares. Sure, they don't want harm to come to your kid, and probably enjoy actually spending time with them, but they don't want to listen to you drone on and on about sleep schedules, feedings, etc.

You can be upset about whatever you want to be upset about, but you're not justified to be upset at your sister for this.

I'm not going to make assumptions about what kind of conversations you're trying to have with your sister about your child, OP, but I think it's worth considering if the pp may be right here. Not because of anything about you, but because it's a really common trap for newer parents to fall into. Whatever you're trying to talk to your sister about re your child, think about how interested you would be in listening to the equivalent conversation about her dissertation. Big events and issues are worth mentioning and should be acknowledged, but most people don't care about the day-to-day minutia either parenting or dissertation-writing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't expect her to care about the minute details of my kid's life, and I barely mention my kid to anyone other than my parents and my sister.

The conversation goes like this:

My sister -- let me tell you about all the drama in my grad dept

Me -- so this is what my daughter and I have been doing lately

My sister -- let me continue to tell you about grad dept drama (this involves her 100% ignoring that I said anything)

I'll just adjust my expectations and not expect her to give a crap about my life.

So you interrupted her telling you about something going on with her to talk about your kid, and you think she's being the rude one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't expect her to care about the minute details of my kid's life, and I barely mention my kid to anyone other than my parents and my sister.

The conversation goes like this:

My sister -- let me tell you about all the drama in my grad dept

Me -- so this is what my daughter and I have been doing lately

My sister -- let me continue to tell you about grad dept drama (this involves her 100% ignoring that I said anything)

I'll just adjust my expectations and not expect her to give a crap about my life.

So you interrupted her telling you about something going on with her to talk about your kid, and you think she's being the rude one?

No, I didn't interrupt her. She was finished with a grad dept drama story. I listened, responded to that, and then mentioned something about my life. She ignored it.