alright -- tell me if i'm right to be upset here

[Anonymous]

I'm very close to my sisters - like I talk to each of them every week and always know what is going on in their lives. They're the first people I call for advice or trouble. We engage in sibling rivalries, but I don't think we've ever done this particular kind of scorekeeping. And it seems like a terrible idea.

FWIW, I don't think any of us has gone to each other's kid's first birthday parties. 1st birthday parties are cute, but kinda dumb, and not important to kids at all - nor terribly important to parents with any sense.

Graduations we have treated as a mixed bag. I think I went to each of my sisters' college graduations, 1 phD graduation, and 1 of them came to my JD. so, I skipped a 3 masters graduation ceremonies (only one of them non-terminal). Not a big deal; we live far apart and it can be hard; I called and congratulated them; they did the same for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who in the world would fly cross-country for a 1-year-old's birthday???

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trying to figure out if my husband and I are right in being ticked off at my sister. She's a PhD student out in CA (though she's married to someone who makes very good money in the private sector). She is almost certainly not going to my daughter's first birthday party this fall, has met her 2 times, and literally never asks me about her. She is also almost certainly not going to my husband's grad school graduation, even though we went to her MA graduation overseas and are schlepping our daughter out to her PhD graduation next year.

I get that she's busy finishing her dissertation, but we both work full-time and have still made time for her (and will continue to do so).

Am I right to be perturbed?

Her not coming to a first bday, being self involved with what she is doing, well, NBFD as far as I am concerned.

Let's get real about 1st birthdays, the child DGAS about who is there as long as there is fun and even then they are limited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only my mom and husband went to my grad school graduation.

Only I went to my husband's phd graduation.

I totally understand that other people do things differently. My issue is that my family has a practice of going to one another's events (even when they are far away), making my sister's lack of attendance out of the ordinary.

Maybe it is time for your family to change their ways. It don't sound like it is working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only my mom and husband went to my grad school graduation.

Only I went to my husband's phd graduation.

I totally understand that other people do things differently. My issue is that my family has a practice of going to one another's events (even when they are far away), making my sister's lack of attendance out of the ordinary.

Maybe she is breaking with tradition and creating new norms. With good reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't expect her to care about the minute details of my kid's life, and I barely mention my kid to anyone other than my parents and my sister.

The conversation goes like this:

My sister -- let me tell you about all the drama in my grad dept

Me -- so this is what my daughter and I have been doing lately

My sister -- let me continue to tell you about grad dept drama (this involves her 100% ignoring that I said anything)

I'll just adjust my expectations and not expect her to give a crap about my life.

So you interrupted her telling you about something going on with her to talk about your kid, and you think she's being the rude one?

No, I didn't interrupt her. She was finished with a grad dept drama story. I listened, responded to that, and then mentioned something about my life. She ignored it.

But that's not what your previous post says. Maybe you thought she was done talking about grad school when in reality she wasn't (as evidenced by the fact that she kept talking about it after your interjection), and she's off somewhere complaining about her sister who can't let her finish a story without jumping in to tell her all about how Larla tried to eat sand at the playground.

I guess you've never heard about summarizing a story, PP. Jesus. Unclench and quit looking for a reason to nitpick the OP (who I think is expecting too much for a 1 year old's birthday but you're just being silly.)

[Anonymous]

A child's b'day party and a BIL's graduation party are pretty lower-tier priority for a cross-country visit, OP. You've lost perspective.

[Anonymous]

The fact that other family members are traveling cross country for these events (and we are schlepping our baby across the country for her graduation) set up the expectation. You can criticize me for that, but it's not in a vacuum. In any case, it doesn't matter. I talked to her tonight and she told me her life is just more important than mine (not an exaggeration) and that I can't expect her to travel for any family events this year. That includes Thanksgiving and Christmas. So since we are spending Thanksgiving with DH's family, my parents will be alone for Thanksgiving. At least we'll be with them for Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that other family members are traveling cross country for these events (and we are schlepping our baby across the country for her graduation) set up the expectation. You can criticize me for that, but it's not in a vacuum. In any case, it doesn't matter. I talked to her tonight and she told me her life is just more important than mine (not an exaggeration) and that I can't expect her to travel for any family events this year. That includes Thanksgiving and Christmas. So since we are spending Thanksgiving with DH's family, my parents will be alone for Thanksgiving. At least we'll be with them for Christmas.

Aw, aren't you the little guilt-tripper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that other family members are traveling cross country for these events (and we are schlepping our baby across the country for her graduation) set up the expectation. You can criticize me for that, but it's not in a vacuum. In any case, it doesn't matter. I talked to her tonight and she told me her life is just more important than mine (not an exaggeration) and that I can't expect her to travel for any family events this year. That includes Thanksgiving and Christmas. So since we are spending Thanksgiving with DH's family, my parents will be alone for Thanksgiving. At least we'll be with them for Christmas.

Aw, aren't you the little guilt-tripper.

WTF. Seriously. I honestly care about my aging parents. Not everything in the world has a cynical explanation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that other family members are traveling cross country for these events (and we are schlepping our baby across the country for her graduation) set up the expectation. You can criticize me for that, but it's not in a vacuum. In any case, it doesn't matter. I talked to her tonight and she told me her life is just more important than mine (not an exaggeration) and that I can't expect her to travel for any family events this year. That includes Thanksgiving and Christmas. So since we are spending Thanksgiving with DH's family, my parents will be alone for Thanksgiving. At least we'll be with them for Christmas.

Aw, aren't you the little guilt-tripper.

WTF. Seriously. I honestly care about my aging parents. Not everything in the world has a cynical explanation.

Do you really have no idea how you come across here?

[Anonymous]

The only thing that would niggle at me would be not asking about the baby only because I see my kids are the center of my world and like others to ask about them. In that same vein, her work is the center of her world and you should ask about that equally.


I have a big family and there is no expectation at all for anyone to travel for anything beyond a wedding or funeral. Graduations are boring for everyone but the graduate and no one should ever ask anyone to come unless that person volunteers!! Send a gift. First birthdays are for parents, not babies. Send a gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that other family members are traveling cross country for these events (and we are schlepping our baby across the country for her graduation) set up the expectation. You can criticize me for that, but it's not in a vacuum. In any case, it doesn't matter. I talked to her tonight and she told me her life is just more important than mine (not an exaggeration) and that I can't expect her to travel for any family events this year. That includes Thanksgiving and Christmas. So since we are spending Thanksgiving with DH's family, my parents will be alone for Thanksgiving. At least we'll be with them for Christmas.

Aw, aren't you the little guilt-tripper.

WTF. Seriously. I honestly care about my aging parents. Not everything in the world has a cynical explanation.

So you can leave your parents alone for the holiday, but she doesn't care about them if she doesn't visit on the same holiday you're not visiting?

Of course her life is more important- to her. I bet your life is more important- to you. I'd also venture a guess that your dh is more important to you than her dh, and your child is more important to you than her children will be. That doesn't mean the other people are unimportant, but they'll never be as important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She lives cross country and has already met your not yet 1yo dd twice. That's very good actually. I and friends have many cross country sibs, and seeing a niece/nephew once a year is normal.

Lower your expectations. Skip the graduation if you want.

She went to visit my kid once. The other time was at my grandma's birthday party (which she flew from CA to FL for because, like I said earlier, we're a family that goes to one another's events).

Jesus, nothing is good enough for you.

[Anonymous]

Fine, your sister is a horrible, selfish person, while you are a fountain of sacrifice and generosity. Feel better?

You can either accept that your sister does not have the exact same priorities you do, and scale back to do the things that you want to do or can do without feeling resentful, or you can keep beating your head against a wall. It sounds like your sister is doing this--she came to visit the new baby once. She came out for your grandmother's birthday. She's not planning to fly out for a baby's birthday party or a graduate school graduation. How about you start making the same kind of choices, and then maybe you won't feel so hurt and resentful?