alright -- tell me if i'm right to be upset here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One-year old birthday parties are horribly boring. I would never expect someone to attend, much less to fly across the country to do so while they're about to finish their PhD. Just accept that you're the only one who cares about the party and move on. (And yes, I have little kids, and I have thrown birthday parties for them).

As for graduation, if you want to go out there and see hers, then great. But don't expect reciprocity. Graduations are also horribly boring. It's one thing to be there for someone to support them, but you can do that in any number of ways without actually sitting through the ceremony.

Finally, as for kids, no one is as interested in your kids as you are. Frankly, you sound like the type of person that expects others to care about the minute details of your kid's life. Much like all the above, get over the fact that no one else really cares. Sure, they don't want harm to come to your kid, and probably enjoy actually spending time with them, but they don't want to listen to you drone on and on about sleep schedules, feedings, etc.

You can be upset about whatever you want to be upset about, but you're not justified to be upset at your sister for this.

I'm not going to make assumptions about what kind of conversations you're trying to have with your sister about your child, OP, but I think it's worth considering if the pp may be right here. Not because of anything about you, but because it's a really common trap for newer parents to fall into. Whatever you're trying to talk to your sister about re your child, think about how interested you would be in listening to the equivalent conversation about her dissertation. Big events and issues are worth mentioning and should be acknowledged, but most people don't care about the day-to-day minutia either parenting or dissertation-writing.

The thing is that she doesn't even talk to me about her dissertation. It's all about grad dept drama. For hours and hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- she has a lot of disposable cash because her husband makes $200,000/year in the private sector and they live in a rent-controlled studio. I bring up my child, and she literally acts like I haven't said a thing.

I get that I might be expecting too much for her to fly out for the party or the graduation (though they're very close together, so you could easily do it in one trip). I guess my bigger issue is that she just shows zero interest in my life, or the life of my baby. Our phone conversations are entirely about her. This is something that started well before she was in her PhD program.

You are expecting too much for her to fly out for the party and the graduation. Seriously, I would never expect any family member to fly across the country for either of those things, let alone be angry that they didn't do it, and I don't care how much money or vacation time they have.

The other issue is different, and I think you just have to get used to the fact that she's not going to talk much about your life. If that bothers you, have fewer phone conversations with her.

[Anonymous]

Talk less with her on the phone, and accept that details of your baby's life are incredibly boring (maybe more boring than grad school drama). You guys might have more to talk about when/if she has children.

There is no way I would expect anyone to fly to attend a birthday party or a graduation. You are out of line on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't expect her to care about the minute details of my kid's life, and I barely mention my kid to anyone other than my parents and my sister.

The conversation goes like this:

My sister -- let me tell you about all the drama in my grad dept

Me -- so this is what my daughter and I have been doing lately

My sister -- let me continue to tell you about grad dept drama (this involves her 100% ignoring that I said anything)

I'll just adjust my expectations and not expect her to give a crap about my life.

So you interrupted her telling you about something going on with her to talk about your kid, and you think she's being the rude one?

No, I didn't interrupt her. She was finished with a grad dept drama story. I listened, responded to that, and then mentioned something about my life. She ignored it.

But that's not what your previous post says. Maybe you thought she was done talking about grad school when in reality she wasn't (as evidenced by the fact that she kept talking about it after your interjection), and she's off somewhere complaining about her sister who can't let her finish a story without jumping in to tell her all about how Larla tried to eat sand at the playground.

[Anonymous]

200k is not that much money for a couple in San Francisco, regardless of their studio apartment. Also, maybe they're saving to buy a house or her husband's job is not stable or something. Who knows? I think your expectations are way unrealistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One-year old birthday parties are horribly boring. I would never expect someone to attend, much less to fly across the country to do so while they're about to finish their PhD. Just accept that you're the only one who cares about the party and move on. (And yes, I have little kids, and I have thrown birthday parties for them).

As for graduation, if you want to go out there and see hers, then great. But don't expect reciprocity. Graduations are also horribly boring. It's one thing to be there for someone to support them, but you can do that in any number of ways without actually sitting through the ceremony.

Finally, as for kids, no one is as interested in your kids as you are. Frankly, you sound like the type of person that expects others to care about the minute details of your kid's life. Much like all the above, get over the fact that no one else really cares. Sure, they don't want harm to come to your kid, and probably enjoy actually spending time with them, but they don't want to listen to you drone on and on about sleep schedules, feedings, etc.

You can be upset about whatever you want to be upset about, but you're not justified to be upset at your sister for this.

I'm not going to make assumptions about what kind of conversations you're trying to have with your sister about your child, OP, but I think it's worth considering if the pp may be right here. Not because of anything about you, but because it's a really common trap for newer parents to fall into. Whatever you're trying to talk to your sister about re your child, think about how interested you would be in listening to the equivalent conversation about her dissertation. Big events and issues are worth mentioning and should be acknowledged, but most people don't care about the day-to-day minutia either parenting or dissertation-writing.

The thing is that she doesn't even talk to me about her dissertation. It's all about grad dept drama. For hours and hours.

Are you being deliberately obtuse? Substitute "grad dept drama" for "dissertation-writing" above, the same point still stands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't expect her to care about the minute details of my kid's life, and I barely mention my kid to anyone other than my parents and my sister.

The conversation goes like this:

My sister -- let me tell you about all the drama in my grad dept

Me -- so this is what my daughter and I have been doing lately

My sister -- let me continue to tell you about grad dept drama (this involves her 100% ignoring that I said anything)

I'll just adjust my expectations and not expect her to give a crap about my life.

So you interrupted her telling you about something going on with her to talk about your kid, and you think she's being the rude one?

No, I didn't interrupt her. She was finished with a grad dept drama story. I listened, responded to that, and then mentioned something about my life. She ignored it.

But that's not what your previous post says. Maybe you thought she was done talking about grad school when in reality she wasn't (as evidenced by the fact that she kept talking about it after your interjection), and she's off somewhere complaining about her sister who can't let her finish a story without jumping in to tell her all about how Larla tried to eat sand at the playground.

Alright, fine. I thought she was finished with the story. I thought I might be able to respectfully bring up something about my life after hearing about her grad dept drama for 2 hours (not an exaggeration). I guess I'm wrong.

[Anonymous]

How do they live in a rent-controlled studio if they make $200,000 a year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One-year old birthday parties are horribly boring. I would never expect someone to attend, much less to fly across the country to do so while they're about to finish their PhD. Just accept that you're the only one who cares about the party and move on. (And yes, I have little kids, and I have thrown birthday parties for them).

As for graduation, if you want to go out there and see hers, then great. But don't expect reciprocity. Graduations are also horribly boring. It's one thing to be there for someone to support them, but you can do that in any number of ways without actually sitting through the ceremony.

Finally, as for kids, no one is as interested in your kids as you are. Frankly, you sound like the type of person that expects others to care about the minute details of your kid's life. Much like all the above, get over the fact that no one else really cares. Sure, they don't want harm to come to your kid, and probably enjoy actually spending time with them, but they don't want to listen to you drone on and on about sleep schedules, feedings, etc.

You can be upset about whatever you want to be upset about, but you're not justified to be upset at your sister for this.

I'm not going to make assumptions about what kind of conversations you're trying to have with your sister about your child, OP, but I think it's worth considering if the pp may be right here. Not because of anything about you, but because it's a really common trap for newer parents to fall into. Whatever you're trying to talk to your sister about re your child, think about how interested you would be in listening to the equivalent conversation about her dissertation. Big events and issues are worth mentioning and should be acknowledged, but most people don't care about the day-to-day minutia either parenting or dissertation-writing.

The thing is that she doesn't even talk to me about her dissertation. It's all about grad dept drama. For hours and hours.

Are you being deliberately obtuse? Substitute "grad dept drama" for "dissertation-writing" above, the same point still stands.

No, I'm not. If she was talking about substantive issues, that would be one thing. Hearing about how stupid the other grad students in her dept are for the 1,000th time is another, in my mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do they live in a rent-controlled studio if they make $200,000 a year?

Because they found a rent-controlled studio. It's not income-based, it's just rent-controlled.

[Anonymous]

No.

Between my husband and I, we have a PhD, MD, and several MS degrees. There is no way on earth academic graduations are important enough to travel to see them.

So if you're happy traveling to someone else's graduation ceremonies, fine. But don't expect reciprocation.

[Anonymous]

You sound jealous of her $200k HHI and the fact that she's getting her PhD. Are you a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound jealous of her $200k HHI and the fact that she's getting her PhD. Are you a SAHM?

LOL -- ok, first of all, your post insults SAHMs. second of all, i'm not a SAHM. my husband and i have a HHI of $350,000. we just got back from a 2.5 week European vacation.

i am not jealous of her PhD in the humanities.

[Anonymous]

PP again - I understand that the overarching theme here is that your sister cares less about your life than you care about hers. You'll have to accept it, OP, and one way to do so is to extend yourself much less for her in the future - it will make you less resentful and expectant of a return. If she complains, you can just tell her the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One-year old birthday parties are horribly boring. I would never expect someone to attend, much less to fly across the country to do so while they're about to finish their PhD. Just accept that you're the only one who cares about the party and move on. (And yes, I have little kids, and I have thrown birthday parties for them).

As for graduation, if you want to go out there and see hers, then great. But don't expect reciprocity. Graduations are also horribly boring. It's one thing to be there for someone to support them, but you can do that in any number of ways without actually sitting through the ceremony.

Finally, as for kids, no one is as interested in your kids as you are. Frankly, you sound like the type of person that expects others to care about the minute details of your kid's life. Much like all the above, get over the fact that no one else really cares. Sure, they don't want harm to come to your kid, and probably enjoy actually spending time with them, but they don't want to listen to you drone on and on about sleep schedules, feedings, etc.

You can be upset about whatever you want to be upset about, but you're not justified to be upset at your sister for this.

I'm not going to make assumptions about what kind of conversations you're trying to have with your sister about your child, OP, but I think it's worth considering if the pp may be right here. Not because of anything about you, but because it's a really common trap for newer parents to fall into. Whatever you're trying to talk to your sister about re your child, think about how interested you would be in listening to the equivalent conversation about her dissertation. Big events and issues are worth mentioning and should be acknowledged, but most people don't care about the day-to-day minutia either parenting or dissertation-writing.

The thing is that she doesn't even talk to me about her dissertation. It's all about grad dept drama. For hours and hours.

Are you being deliberately obtuse? Substitute "grad dept drama" for "dissertation-writing" above, the same point still stands.

No, I'm not. If she was talking about substantive issues, that would be one thing. Hearing about how stupid the other grad students in her dept are for the 1,000th time is another, in my mind.

In other words, you are as bored by her as she is by you.