Why don't people reciprocate these days?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Not everyone has a messy house, but so many are saying that's the reason they can't have people over. I don't mind playdates at a fun, messy house.

But evidently at least some of the people who have a messy house DO mind having people over to a messy house.

I have friends whose homes I have never seen the inside of, due to the mess. It's not because I mind the mess. It's because they mind having me see the mess.

Yep! I get it. But it's like my friend saying she can't date because she needs to lose 10lbs in order to date. At this point it's a mental block.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because I do too much already. Sorry, it is so much easier to accept an invitation for Sat at 5 then to look at the calendar, find a date and time, check with DH, buy food, drinks, clean up, cook, etc. I really just don't have it in me and I am ok with it! I work full time, my husband travels a lot and I've got two young kids (one who is the world's worst sleeper). I am perpetually tired and frazzled. I'm sorry if this annoys you, but all my friends know my situation and don't expect reciprocations. I am totally upfront and honest that its not going to happen and no one cares, because they are friends.

So you're ok with your friends doing all of these things:
looking at the calendar, find a date and time, check with their DH, buy food, drinks, clean up, cook, etc.

But you can't do it yourself? Rude.

Truth.

Do you really think the rest of us don't have busy lives, aren't perpetually tired and frazzled?

No my friends aren't perpetually tired and frazzled and they enjoy having people over. Also you don't invite people over and expect a reciprocation. That's rude.

NP. No, it is not rude; it is part of the social contract (hooray, I got to quote Sheldon Cooper!) to reciprocate. It is rude to not reciprocate. Go look up Emily Post or any of the other etiquette gurus if you aren't believing anyone here.

[Anonymous]

I knew someone on DCUM would argue that "expecting" reciprocation is selfish or needy or greedy or rude(!).

The real answer, OP, is that far too many people today simply expect you to entertain them. It never occurs to them to reciprocate because -- hey! they're busy! You're obviously not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I knew someone on DCUM would argue that "expecting" reciprocation is selfish or needy or greedy or rude(!).

The real answer, OP, is that far too many people today simply expect you to entertain them. It never occurs to them to reciprocate because -- hey! they're busy! You're obviously not.

I host a lot and maybe expect reciprocation maybe 25% of the time. I have a low bar. If I invite you over 4x and you don't invite me even once, I assume you don't want to be friends and you don't enjoy my company or my kid's.

[Anonymous]

Ha, I posted upthread about having 3 kids and always having kids and people over. Our house is pretty messy and cluttered and our best furniture is from Ikea but I don't really care. It would certainly be cleaner if we didn't have kids over all the time. We aren't hosting 5 course meals, on Friday we had two families over and ordered pizza. I didn't really clean up at all before hand.

There is a spectrum of Fear of Other People Judging You and I think I'm on the low end. Don't like my messy house? don't come over!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ha, I posted upthread about having 3 kids and always having kids and people over. Our house is pretty messy and cluttered and our best furniture is from Ikea but I don't really care. It would certainly be cleaner if we didn't have kids over all the time. We aren't hosting 5 course meals, on Friday we had two families over and ordered pizza. I didn't really clean up at all before hand.

There is a spectrum of Fear of Other People Judging You and I think I'm on the low end. Don't like my messy house? don't come over!

Love this!

[Anonymous]

I totally understand you OP. At least they are coming to your house!
We've given up just to even invite people to meet in public because they usually don't respond or say no. I always give people more than 3 chances. We've been the ones asking others 4-5x over the past 3 months. Nobody reciprocate. It's one sided. I'm tired of it. A few times I practically invited myself over to their house/pool after I asked them do you want to come over to our pool so the kids can play? nope, they say you are welcome to come over to the pool we joined-huh.

Yet, when they see you, they are all smiles and say they want to plan something together with you.
Also, I notice people just don't want to do anything. They want something planned for their kids so they don't have to do anything.

[Anonymous]

Every time a post like this pops up here it makes me feel better that we're not the only one not having playdates reciprocated. I think a lot of it is a combination of busyness and laziness. It's easier to let someone else do the inviting, so why bother?

The holiday piece of your post is a little more complicated, OP. Family dynamics often make including more people tough/impossible.

[Anonymous]

OP, my kids are older now and here's my view. I was always the social arranger and inviter when I had little kids like yours, primarily because I liked to be able to put my kids to bed in their own beds at a decent hour but still have regular adult socializing.

I kinda burned out on it, and now I'd say our friends invite us over twice before we reciprocate. I was just thinking that I need to arrange more events at our house.

My point is that with long term friends, over the decades it all evens out so don't sweat it now.

[Anonymous]

Being older and wiser and was one of those who did not reciprocate it was 2 things:
1. Fear of judgement
2. Absolutely no time to do the things necessary to be the perfect hostess, my cooking did not always turn out, never had the right amount of serving pieces, would have had to take two days off to get ready, etc. We did not stock food or liquor, and it was a budget buster for us.

This was stupid looking back, but you wanted to know.

[Anonymous]

Fear of Judgment definitely seems to be a common thread here.

[Anonymous]

It stresses my husband out to have people over. I do let my close friends know that and often have them over with just kids if he's out of town etc. We do host a big neighborhood thing once a year or so. If he were up for it we'd do it much more. One of my closest neighbors loves hosting so we go there much more than they come to us. We talk about it openly and she's ok with it. I do other stuff like take her kids for half an hour if the nanny has to leave early, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:for me the issue is whether the people we always host are truly friends. I love to cook,entertain,have a house full of people. I just wish we were also invited more. I suspect if we stopped hosting many of these "friendships" would fade away. I also stay home and happily pick up kids, drive more than my share, our house is the house all the kids come and hang out at. It is expensive and hectic but I genuinely enjoy helping out, but sometimes feel like a "sucker".

I wonder this, too. And it's a crappy feeling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They may not realize it's important to you, or just think you like hosting. I have a friend who has a huge gorgeous house and she hosts everything. I know she doesn't care about reciprocating because when I've invited her to group dinners/ events at my house on a couple of different occasions she reached out to me to ask if she can host the event at her house, and then moved the entire party to her place. If you host as often as you say your friends may just think that's your thing and you would rather host than attend.

What? I don't even understand this. Like you invite people over and she says, "let's move everything to my house."? How rude.

Sorry, just checked back in. I get that it seems crazy on paper, but it's a completely shared friends group, her house is about 3 times the size of mine (and has a pool), and she has little kids and I don't. So by hosting she doesn't have to find childcare, it's a more comfortable environment, and we're very good friends so she knows I won't take offense and I don't, and if for some reason it's important to me to keep it at my place I'll speak up (and I will). I guess it's all dependent on a lot of behind the scenes stuff, most importantly the specific nature of the friendships involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:for me the issue is whether the people we always host are truly friends. I love to cook,entertain,have a house full of people. I just wish we were also invited more. I suspect if we stopped hosting many of these "friendships" would fade away. I also stay home and happily pick up kids, drive more than my share, our house is the house all the kids come and hang out at. It is expensive and hectic but I genuinely enjoy helping out, but sometimes feel like a "sucker".

me too. Same set of circumstances. You're not alone in feeling that way.