Why don't people reciprocate these days?

[Anonymous]

Because I do too much already. Sorry, it is so much easier to accept an invitation for Sat at 5 then to look at the calendar, find a date and time, check with DH, buy food, drinks, clean up, cook, etc. I really just don't have it in me and I am ok with it! I work full time, my husband travels a lot and I've got two young kids (one who is the world's worst sleeper). I am perpetually tired and frazzled. I'm sorry if this annoys you, but all my friends know my situation and don't expect reciprocations. I am totally upfront and honest that its not going to happen and no one cares, because they are friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many folks have such messy houses? I keep seeing this as one of the excuses on this thread. Every time I go to someone's house I am usually shocked by how messy/cluttered it is, which of course I keep to myself.

I'm shocked that people would use their mess as a reason to not make friends or as a reason they don't need to reciprocate. If your mess is holding you back that much, maybe you need to get on top of it. And I mean this in a kind way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i decided to see what would happen if I stopped inviting my sil and her family over for various holidays/dinners/BBQs. We have not seen her in two years. My MIL is angry at us for "not reaching out". Makes no sense, as long as I host everything is great Does not occur to them that perhaps they should reach out too?

Do you want to be right, or do you want to see your sister-in-law and her family? (I'm guessing the former, actually. )

your guess is wrong. It is hurtful when you constantly put in effort, money, time and it is never returned. I am guessing you are one of those people that never host and does not have any appreciation into how much time goes into these things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many folks have such messy houses? I keep seeing this as one of the excuses on this thread. Every time I go to someone's house I am usually shocked by how messy/cluttered it is, which of course I keep to myself.

I'm shocked that people would use their mess as a reason to not make friends or as a reason they don't need to reciprocate. If your mess is holding you back that much, maybe you need to get on top of it. And I mean this in a kind way.

So now the to-do list for people who don't reciprocate isn't just

1. reciprocate

but

1. get on top of mess
2. reciprocate

I don't think that this will encourage reciprocation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because I do too much already. Sorry, it is so much easier to accept an invitation for Sat at 5 then to look at the calendar, find a date and time, check with DH, buy food, drinks, clean up, cook, etc. I really just don't have it in me and I am ok with it! I work full time, my husband travels a lot and I've got two young kids (one who is the world's worst sleeper). I am perpetually tired and frazzled. I'm sorry if this annoys you, but all my friends know my situation and don't expect reciprocations. I am totally upfront and honest that its not going to happen and no one cares, because they are friends.

So you're ok with your friends doing all of these things:
looking at the calendar, find a date and time, check with their DH, buy food, drinks, clean up, cook, etc.

But you can't do it yourself? Rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many folks have such messy houses? I keep seeing this as one of the excuses on this thread. Every time I go to someone's house I am usually shocked by how messy/cluttered it is, which of course I keep to myself.

I'm shocked that people would use their mess as a reason to not make friends or as a reason they don't need to reciprocate. If your mess is holding you back that much, maybe you need to get on top of it. And I mean this in a kind way.

So now the to-do list for people who don't reciprocate isn't just

1. reciprocate

but

1. get on top of mess
2. reciprocate

I don't think that this will encourage reciprocation.

Not everyone has a messy house, but so many are saying that's the reason they can't have people over. I don't mind playdates at a fun, messy house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i decided to see what would happen if I stopped inviting my sil and her family over for various holidays/dinners/BBQs. We have not seen her in two years. My MIL is angry at us for "not reaching out". Makes no sense, as long as I host everything is great Does not occur to them that perhaps they should reach out too?

Do you want to be right, or do you want to see your sister-in-law and her family? (I'm guessing the former, actually. )

your guess is wrong. It is hurtful when you constantly put in effort, money, time and it is never returned. I am guessing you are one of those people that never host and does not have any appreciation into how much time goes into these things.

OK, I apologize. You want to see your sister-in-law and her family. In that case, it seems clear to me that you have to invite them. They are not going to invite you. You can spend time stewing about what they ought to do but don't (and having your mother-in-law angry at you), or you can invite them. Those are the choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because I do too much already. Sorry, it is so much easier to accept an invitation for Sat at 5 then to look at the calendar, find a date and time, check with DH, buy food, drinks, clean up, cook, etc. I really just don't have it in me and I am ok with it! I work full time, my husband travels a lot and I've got two young kids (one who is the world's worst sleeper). I am perpetually tired and frazzled. I'm sorry if this annoys you, but all my friends know my situation and don't expect reciprocations. I am totally upfront and honest that its not going to happen and no one cares, because they are friends.

So you're ok with your friends doing all of these things:
looking at the calendar, find a date and time, check with their DH, buy food, drinks, clean up, cook, etc.

But you can't do it yourself? Rude.

Truth.

Do you really think the rest of us don't have busy lives, aren't perpetually tired and frazzled?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Not everyone has a messy house, but so many are saying that's the reason they can't have people over. I don't mind playdates at a fun, messy house.

But evidently at least some of the people who have a messy house DO mind having people over to a messy house.

I have friends whose homes I have never seen the inside of, due to the mess. It's not because I mind the mess. It's because they mind having me see the mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because I do too much already. Sorry, it is so much easier to accept an invitation for Sat at 5 then to look at the calendar, find a date and time, check with DH, buy food, drinks, clean up, cook, etc. I really just don't have it in me and I am ok with it! I work full time, my husband travels a lot and I've got two young kids (one who is the world's worst sleeper). I am perpetually tired and frazzled. I'm sorry if this annoys you, but all my friends know my situation and don't expect reciprocations. I am totally upfront and honest that its not going to happen and no one cares, because they are friends.

So you're ok with your friends doing all of these things:
looking at the calendar, find a date and time, check with their DH, buy food, drinks, clean up, cook, etc.

But you can't do it yourself? Rude.

Truth.

Do you really think the rest of us don't have busy lives, aren't perpetually tired and frazzled?

Honestly, I don't expect anyone to do these things. I'm just as happy to meet at a restaurant or a park where there's no obligation to reciprocate.
--NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i decided to see what would happen if I stopped inviting my sil and her family over for various holidays/dinners/BBQs. We have not seen her in two years. My MIL is angry at us for "not reaching out". Makes no sense, as long as I host everything is great Does not occur to them that perhaps they should reach out too?

Do you want to be right, or do you want to see your sister-in-law and her family? (I'm guessing the former, actually. )

your guess is wrong. It is hurtful when you constantly put in effort, money, time and it is never returned. I am guessing you are one of those people that never host and does not have any appreciation into how much time goes into these things.

OK, I apologize. You want to see your sister-in-law and her family. In that case, it seems clear to me that you have to invite them. They are not going to invite you. You can spend time stewing about what they ought to do but don't (and having your mother-in-law angry at you), or you can invite them. Those are the choices.

I know, I am just venting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Truth.

Do you really think the rest of us don't have busy lives, aren't perpetually tired and frazzled?

If you don't want to invite people over, then don't. If you do, then do.

Serious question -- Let's say that I'm not going to reciprocate, because [reasons]. Would you prefer it if I turned down your invitation?

[Anonymous]

I have people over nonstop. What annoys me are the people who think it's reciprocating by inviting us out for dinner, but we go dutch. It's fun and I like hanging out, but when I went to the effort of cooking and hosting a whole dinner (it's expensive) and then you think making dinner reservations is the same, it's not.

Same for when I host a dozen playdates and then you reciprocate by inviting us to a festival that I have to pay to get into.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because I do too much already. Sorry, it is so much easier to accept an invitation for Sat at 5 then to look at the calendar, find a date and time, check with DH, buy food, drinks, clean up, cook, etc. I really just don't have it in me and I am ok with it! I work full time, my husband travels a lot and I've got two young kids (one who is the world's worst sleeper). I am perpetually tired and frazzled. I'm sorry if this annoys you, but all my friends know my situation and don't expect reciprocations. I am totally upfront and honest that its not going to happen and no one cares, because they are friends.

So you're ok with your friends doing all of these things:
looking at the calendar, find a date and time, check with their DH, buy food, drinks, clean up, cook, etc.

But you can't do it yourself? Rude.

Truth.

Do you really think the rest of us don't have busy lives, aren't perpetually tired and frazzled?

No my friends aren't perpetually tired and frazzled and they enjoy having people over. Also you don't invite people over and expect a reciprocation. That's rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Truth.

Do you really think the rest of us don't have busy lives, aren't perpetually tired and frazzled?

If you don't want to invite people over, then don't. If you do, then do.

Serious question -- Let's say that I'm not going to reciprocate, because [reasons]. Would you prefer it if I turned down your invitation?

Actually yes. I'm hosting because I'm interested in making friends. I'm not hosting just so I can constantly have people over and then never get invited over myself. My feelings do get hurt when so few people reciprocate. I have low expectations though for when people have us over. No need to put on a big show or even have a lot of food. (I'm not OP)