Why don't people reciprocate these days?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because I do too much already. Sorry, it is so much easier to accept an invitation for Sat at 5 then to look at the calendar, find a date and time, check with DH, buy food, drinks, clean up, cook, etc. I really just don't have it in me and I am ok with it! I work full time, my husband travels a lot and I've got two young kids (one who is the world's worst sleeper). I am perpetually tired and frazzled. I'm sorry if this annoys you, but all my friends know my situation and don't expect reciprocations. I am totally upfront and honest that its not going to happen and no one cares, because they are friends.

So you're ok with your friends doing all of these things:
looking at the calendar, find a date and time, check with their DH, buy food, drinks, clean up, cook, etc.

But you can't do it yourself? Rude.

Truth.

Do you really think the rest of us don't have busy lives, aren't perpetually tired and frazzled?

This poster is a taker, not a giver. And she seems 100% justified in her mind because she is just so awesome. I would drop her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:for me the issue is whether the people we always host are truly friends. I love to cook,entertain,have a house full of people. I just wish we were also invited more. I suspect if we stopped hosting many of these "friendships" would fade away. I also stay home and happily pick up kids, drive more than my share, our house is the house all the kids come and hang out at. It is expensive and hectic but I genuinely enjoy helping out, but sometimes feel like a "sucker".

me too. Same set of circumstances. You're not alone in feeling that way.

+ 2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because I do too much already. Sorry, it is so much easier to accept an invitation for Sat at 5 then to look at the calendar, find a date and time, check with DH, buy food, drinks, clean up, cook, etc. I really just don't have it in me and I am ok with it! I work full time, my husband travels a lot and I've got two young kids (one who is the world's worst sleeper). I am perpetually tired and frazzled. I'm sorry if this annoys you, but all my friends know my situation and don't expect reciprocations. I am totally upfront and honest that its not going to happen and no one cares, because they are friends.

So you're ok with your friends doing all of these things:
looking at the calendar, find a date and time, check with their DH, buy food, drinks, clean up, cook, etc.

But you can't do it yourself? Rude.

Truth.

Do you really think the rest of us don't have busy lives, aren't perpetually tired and frazzled?

No my friends aren't perpetually tired and frazzled and they enjoy having people over. Also you don't invite people over and expect a reciprocation. That's rude.

NP. No, it is not rude; it is part of the social contract (hooray, I got to quote Sheldon Cooper!) to reciprocate. It is rude to not reciprocate. Go look up Emily Post or any of the other etiquette gurus if you aren't believing anyone here.

+1 for Sheldon Cooper.

[Anonymous]

It is part of being a polite member of society. If you enjoy someone else's hospitality often, then you should reciprocate in some fashion. We love to get together with friends, so we entertain a lot. But it's a lot of work. It's shocking how many people never think to reciprocate. It doesn't have to be fancy. Pizza and salad are cool with us, it's getting together with friends that we enjoy. Even if entertaining is stressful, at least once a year put the junk in the closet, buy some beer and wine, order some pizza, and invite your friends over. Be an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being older and wiser and was one of those who did not reciprocate it was 2 things:
1. Fear of judgement
2. Absolutely no time to do the things necessary to be the perfect hostess, my cooking did not always turn out, never had the right amount of serving pieces, would have had to take two days off to get ready, etc. We did not stock food or liquor, and it was a budget buster for us.

This was stupid looking back, but you wanted to know.

If you can't afford to host people, you should not accept their invitations to host you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being older and wiser and was one of those who did not reciprocate it was 2 things:
1. Fear of judgement
2. Absolutely no time to do the things necessary to be the perfect hostess, my cooking did not always turn out, never had the right amount of serving pieces, would have had to take two days off to get ready, etc. We did not stock food or liquor, and it was a budget buster for us.

This was stupid looking back, but you wanted to know.

If you can't afford to host people, you should not accept their invitations to host you.

As a blanket statement, that's pretty silly. Some people are fine not having their invitations reciprocated at all. Some people are fine having their invitations reciprocated in other ways. Some people don't want you to come unless you will reciprocate their invitation exactly. I guess you're one of those people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being older and wiser and was one of those who did not reciprocate it was 2 things:
1. Fear of judgement
2. Absolutely no time to do the things necessary to be the perfect hostess, my cooking did not always turn out, never had the right amount of serving pieces, would have had to take two days off to get ready, etc. We did not stock food or liquor, and it was a budget buster for us.

This was stupid looking back, but you wanted to know.

If you can't afford to host people, you should not accept their invitations to host you.

So DCUM finds yet another basic human need (companionship) that poor people should forgo.

[Anonymous]

I'm extremely introverted and social situations cause me stress. Your invitation gave me anxiety and I went to be polite. Everything was fine when I was there and you were a gracious host but I wasn't as relaxed as I appeared. I will not be hosting a dinner party, ever. DH and I rarely see each other as it is with work and he is also fairly introverted. Those social events feel like another work day.

I have kids over my house all of the time. My children are always welcome to have friends over and do every week. They are extroverted and they want others around. This doesn't bother me and I enjoy it, as long as I don't have to entertain adults. They can independently play and I am happy to feed them.

[Anonymous]

I have one friend who plans a lot of stuff. Sometimes I know she feels like she's always the planner and wishes other people would plan. Most of the time I feel so busy with what she's already planned & invited me to that there is no time for me to plan something else. Does that make sense? I don't know if other people would host if you did not. What do you think these families would say if you suggested alternating houses?

Some people just never think to host. Idk if it's bc they don't think they're good at it or what. But they're not hosting things and not inviting you - they are just never hosting.

[Anonymous]

A few other reasons I can think of why other parents may not reciprocate by inviting people to their home:

Many people are not naturals at entertaining. For some, hosting ten other adults in their home comes naturally. For others, not so much. It can be very intimidating.

They don't have the money to entertain like they think you might expect based on your own parties. Sorry, you entertain TOO well.

Their house isn't nearly as nice or big as yours. Perhaps it needs a few major repairs that make the owners self-conscious. Maybe they're in the middle of a major (stalled) renovation.

Perhaps they hosted a family occasion (Thanksgiving, etc.) and were told it simply wasn't as good as Thanksgiving at Cousin Larla's last year. Now they worry about entertaining anyone else.

If you had a rough childhood, inviting people into your home isn't something you grew up doing. You always went to other people's houses, or met them on neutral ground. Now imagine having 20 people over.

This said, it's very important to find ways to reciprocate -- like picking up the tab, arranging an outing, bringing a nice bottle of wine, remembering their birthday, and just being there for them. Whatever evens it out.

[Anonymous]

For anyone who needs a kick in the pants to host, I love the crappy dinner!
http://www.thekitchn.com/5-rules-for-hosting-a-crappy-dinner-party-235815

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being older and wiser and was one of those who did not reciprocate it was 2 things:
1. Fear of judgement
2. Absolutely no time to do the things necessary to be the perfect hostess, my cooking did not always turn out, never had the right amount of serving pieces, would have had to take two days off to get ready, etc. We did not stock food or liquor, and it was a budget buster for us.

This was stupid looking back, but you wanted to know.

If you can't afford to host people, you should not accept their invitations to host you.

So DCUM finds yet another basic human need (companionship) that poor people should forgo.

Imo poor

Poor people should reciprocate with inviting their friends for some beer and pizza. That works for me and at least you are making an effort to give back so it's not a completely one sided friendship.

[Anonymous]

I'm in same boat, OP. We have a large house and I've enjoyed hosting over the years. Now, due to a variety of reasons (ill parents, burn out, etc...), we aren't hosting much. Hardly anyone has offered to host us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:for me the issue is whether the people we always host are truly friends. I love to cook,entertain,have a house full of people. I just wish we were also invited more. I suspect if we stopped hosting many of these "friendships" would fade away. I also stay home and happily pick up kids, drive more than my share, our house is the house all the kids come and hang out at. It is expensive and hectic but I genuinely enjoy helping out, but sometimes feel like a "sucker".

me too. Same set of circumstances. You're not alone in feeling that way.

The fact you stay home is also a driver. So many working women are just trying to stay afloat. Having people over is one more stressor and more things to do when they get home from work. The weekends are for catching up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being older and wiser and was one of those who did not reciprocate it was 2 things:
1. Fear of judgement
2. Absolutely no time to do the things necessary to be the perfect hostess, my cooking did not always turn out, never had the right amount of serving pieces, would have had to take two days off to get ready, etc. We did not stock food or liquor, and it was a budget buster for us.

This was stupid looking back, but you wanted to know.

If you can't afford to host people, you should not accept their invitations to host you.

As a blanket statement, that's pretty silly. Some people are fine not having their invitations reciprocated at all. Some people are fine having their invitations reciprocated in other ways. Some people don't want you to come unless you will reciprocate their invitation exactly. I guess you're one of those people.

I should have said, if you can't afford to host or reciprocate in some way. I do not believe over years and years that anyone is fine with never receiving any type of reciprocation.