Husband has a "one that got away!". Not sure how I feel

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No ring no bring? What on earth does that mean?

It means that you don't get to bring a date unless it's your spouse.

Or fiancé - hence the reference to the ring... it means even if you have a serious girlfriend of several years, if it's not serious enough that you're engaged, she's not invited, you can't bring her to the wedding. "No ring, no bring"

[Anonymous]

I think it's weird he brought this up to you out of the blue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine going through someone else's old saved letters and photos and just throwing it all away without consulting them first. I would be furious if someone did that to me.

It all depends. My dh's ex gf harassed us for sometime when we got together and after we got married. I tossed everything with her photo.

On the other hand when you get married no need to keep exes photo etc. around imo.

Certainly, if his ex harassed you guys, I understand not wanting anything reminding you of her and that experience. But there's absolutely nothing wrong with keeping photos/mementos/whatever of your life experiences, including old flames. I think if someone insists that their partner trash all the photos from their past that include an ex, that's unhealthy and controlling.

It's also unhealthy for someone to keep all that. My dh has a few not so admirable women that I wouldn't want me kids to see. When you get married it's time to move forward and clean house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine going through someone else's old saved letters and photos and just throwing it all away without consulting them first. I would be furious if someone did that to me.

It all depends. My dh's ex gf harassed us for sometime when we got together and after we got married. I tossed everything with her photo.

On the other hand when you get married no need to keep exes photo etc. around imo.

Certainly, if his ex harassed you guys, I understand not wanting anything reminding you of her and that experience. But there's absolutely nothing wrong with keeping photos/mementos/whatever of your life experiences, including old flames. I think if someone insists that their partner trash all the photos from their past that include an ex, that's unhealthy and controlling.

It's also unhealthy for someone to keep all that. My dh has a few not so admirable women that I wouldn't want me kids to see. When you get married it's time to move forward and clean house.

Some of us are actually okay with our spouses keeping mementos of past relationships without turning into jealous, controlling harpies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine going through someone else's old saved letters and photos and just throwing it all away without consulting them first. I would be furious if someone did that to me.

It all depends. My dh's ex gf harassed us for sometime when we got together and after we got married. I tossed everything with her photo.

On the other hand when you get married no need to keep exes photo etc. around imo.

Certainly, if his ex harassed you guys, I understand not wanting anything reminding you of her and that experience. But there's absolutely nothing wrong with keeping photos/mementos/whatever of your life experiences, including old flames. I think if someone insists that their partner trash all the photos from their past that include an ex, that's unhealthy and controlling.

It's also unhealthy for someone to keep all that. My dh has a few not so admirable women that I wouldn't want me kids to see. When you get married it's time to move forward and clean house.

PP here. Agree to disagree on that point. To me, if a couple is secure in their relationship, there shouldn't be a need to purge all evidence of prior relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

But then last night, he started telling me how he never knows how much he is allowed to tell me. That raised a lot of curiosity so of course I asked. And then he shared, kind of quietly, about how he had been planning to marry the girlfriend before me but she broke his heart.


If my husband did this, I would ask why he was bringing it up and what he hoped for the conversation to accomplish. It seems like a really pointless thing to talk about at this juncture.

I think it's pretty obvious from the conversation what he was hoping to accomplish. He feels like his inability to tell her things, to be open and share himself with her, is limited by her insecurity and overreaction to things. She pressed for an example, and he gave her one. After so many years, it shouldn't be a secret that he had a serious girlfriend before her that he considered marrying, and the fact that he had this serious girlfriend before OP doesn't inherently have implications for OP or their marriage.


I don't know. I can only look at it from the perspective of my own marriage. If DH said that, and then brought up some old girlfriend, I'd be curious and somewhat annoyed as to what he hoped to accomplish by dredging this up after years of marriage and kids. If he hadn't told me about some prior girlfriend and their issues already by this juncture, what could possibly be the benefit of doing so now?

This is exactly what I'm saying. It shouldn't have been something OP's DH had to keep a secret for so many years, but for some reason he felt he did need to keep it a secret. OP wanted an example of how he felt he couldn't talk to her, so this is one he mentioned. What he was hoping to accomplish was probably less about the girlfriend, and more about trying to improve his relationship with his wife so that there aren't secrets. The old girlfriend should be a pretty low-stakes thing to share at this point, far lower stakes than other things he might be feeling more vulnerable about today (not things that have implications for the OP or their marriage, but things about him and his inner emotional life). This might have been a test balloon for whether he can trust OP enough to more open and vulnerable with her about things more significant to him, and thus have a closer marriage; if so, she's failing spectacularly.

I mean, the fact that OP's post is all about the ex-girlfriend and the fact that he husband said he feels like he can't tell her things says everything. To me, the latter would be a much bigger issue in my marriage than the former.

I mean, maybe, but that seems to be some pretty poor thinking on her husband's part - "I have trouble discussing my emotional life with my wife, so I'll start by bringing up some other woman that I almost married. I'm sure that'll be a noncontroversial place to start."

Sure, if your only focus as the spouse hearing this is on yourself and not on what your spouse is trying to tell you. If his other options for talking to her are about the depression he's been struggling with, or his anxiety about professional prospects that he feels are drying up, or fears about getting older and dying, he's not going to start there with someone he doesn't trust it's too sensitive if she reacts badly. Anything he would bring up as an example in this context is going to be loaded in some way, because otherwise he either would have said it already or it would be so trivial that it wouldn't matter whether he said it or not. To him, it was probably a great example because this woman was so far in the past and utterly meaningless to their current relationship, and yet he still feels like it needs to be a secret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't we all have some one who "got away"? That person is no longer in our lives, so it's easy to imagine them as whoever we want them to be. It's a fantasy to keep this notion alive.

If your husband & this lady were meant to be, she wouldn't have broke it off for some guy she met at a conference. He might be reminiscing this week because he has more time on his hands, but try not to overthink it. You all got married and he's committed to you, right? The rest is history.

Bingo.

You can drive yourself crazy with all sorts of "what if" scenarios, but there's really no point. It didn't happen. He had a relationship before you that was more intense than you realized. That you didn't know until now is probably a good thing.

Im still in contact with my one who "got away" because we managed to transition a trainwreck relationship to a really strong friendship. Does the mind wander to the what ifs? Sure. And they all end with "phew, bullet dodged." With someone who isn't still in your life, it is so much easier to play that game without pesky reality interfering. Bailing at the wedding is a fairly solid sign that it absolutely wasn't meant to be. Sure, life isn't a perfect fairy tale, but that's an insurmountable problem. So, yes, she literally got away. Don't go looking for trouble. Also, don't throw away someone's stuff.

He probably didn't bring you to weddings until you got engaged because he was gun-shy -- the guy had been drop-kicked badly.

[Anonymous]

I mean, maybe, but that seems to be some pretty poor thinking on her husband's part - "I have trouble discussing my emotional life with my wife, so I'll start by bringing up some other woman that I almost married. I'm sure that'll be a noncontroversial place to start."


Sure, if your only focus as the spouse hearing this is on yourself and not on what your spouse is trying to tell you. If his other options for talking to her are about the depression he's been struggling with, or his anxiety about professional prospects that he feels are drying up, or fears about getting older and dying, he's not going to start there with someone he doesn't trust it's too sensitive if she reacts badly. Anything he would bring up as an example in this context is going to be loaded in some way, because otherwise he either would have said it already or it would be so trivial that it wouldn't matter whether he said it or not. To him, it was probably a great example because this woman was so far in the past and utterly meaningless to their current relationship, and yet he still feels like it needs to be a secret.

You're just making excuses, and they're not convincing at all. OP is severely overreacting, but DH did exercise poor judgment and a lack of sensitivity in bringing this woman up at this belated juncture.

[Anonymous]

Of course, he didn't ask to take you to weddings while you were dating, he had just been burned badly on that one!

Step back and don't get into these microcomparisons with a woman who is no longer in the picture.

The real question is why you are so insecure and how can you fix that. I doubt it has to do with your husband, based on what you've told us.

Only you can steady yourself.

PS To the PP who posted the 1:1 graph, thanks - that made me chuckle. Is there a male version??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, let me get this clear. A suicidal bulimic woman who cheated on him is your DH's "one that got away?"

I don't think you need to overthink this either OP.

Right WTF!!!

[Anonymous]

I say dump him and see which you prefer - being someone's 2nd choice or being single.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, let me get this clear. A suicidal bulimic woman who cheated on him is your DH's "one that got away?"

I don't think you need to overthink this either OP.

Must have been super super hot.



He is probably just frisky if this is first time you have talked net sex has been low priority

Hahaha! She was (weren't we all and plus she was bulimic so stick thin!) but DH loves being a problem solver and apparently I'm too busy to create this drama and make DH feel needed. If only he knew the drama I created on DCUM!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, let me get this clear. A suicidal bulimic woman who cheated on him is your DH's "one that got away?"

I don't think you need to overthink this either OP.

Must have been super super hot.



He is probably just frisky if this is first time you have talked net sex has been low priority

Hahaha! She was (weren't we all and plus she was bulimic so stick thin!) but DH loves being a problem solver and apparently I'm too busy to create this drama and make DH feel needed. If only he knew the drama I created on DCUM!

If that's the level of contempt you have for him, maybe he does wish he were still with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine going through someone else's old saved letters and photos and just throwing it all away without consulting them first. I would be furious if someone did that to me.

+1 wtf. I still have a letter from my ex apologizing for how horrible he was to me. I endured so much mental and verbal abuse from him (he was bipolar and refused to take his medication) and though I've long since gotten over it as it was years ago, I did not want to throw away the letter he wrote to me apologizing once he was stabilized with medication.

I also have "the one who got away" who I was absolutely crazy about and devastated by the split, but I have no desire to be with him at this point and haven't in many years, but it still hurt a lot at the time. OP is overreacting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No ring no bring? What on earth does that mean?

It means that you don't get to bring a date unless it's your spouse.

Or fiancé - hence the reference to the ring... it means even if you have a serious girlfriend of several years, if it's not serious enough that you're engaged, she's not invited, you can't bring her to the wedding. "No ring, no bring"

This is the stupidest rule I ever heard of.