Husband has a "one that got away!". Not sure how I feel
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Anonymous
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So the kids are away at camp for the first time. It's given husband and I more time to talk.
But then last night, he started telling me how he never knows how much he is allowed to tell me. That raised a lot of curiosity so of course I asked. And then he shared, kind of quietly, about how he had been planning to marry the girlfriend before me but she broke his heart. It's actually a sad story so I mostly feel bad for my husband. They had been dating for 4 years when he was young, after college. He was in grad school and she was working. They had travelled throughout Europe together. He then took her to a wedding -- at a wedding when the rule was "no ring, no bring" because he was planning to propose. But at the wedding, she told him that she had met someone else on a work trip and they broke up. He met me about 6 months later before he had a chance to get over her. I knew he dated her and that she called but he never told me how serious they were. And he always described her as having a lot if problems which is why he'd have to take her calls even during dinner. She had been raped multiple times before he met her and she was bulimic and suicidal and refused therapy so he was worried for good reasons. And she then got married to that guy that she left my husband for and we never heard from her and we got married. So I thought it was a girl that my husband was not really into. I had seen some photos hidden in some letters years ago with a bunch of his boxes and I threw it away, thinking that he didn't even realize that he had it. When we moved in together, an entire room was his boxes, so when I was on maternity leave, I went through them and almost everything got thrown away. But now I get that he was saving those letters and felt like that was the woman who got away. I now feel like I was my husband's second choice and he says it's silly because he married me and not her, but is it silly? I mean, he took her on a European tour when he had no money and we've done nothing like that. He got his friends to make an exception to the no ring, no bring rule on the one wedding at the time, and in the 10 weddings when we were dating, he didn't ask for an exception once or even bring me to weddings when he had a plus one until we got engaged (like his sister's!). |
Anonymous
| Stop overthinking it. |
Anonymous
| why would he tell you this? its an asshole move on his part. |
Anonymous
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Don't we all have some one who "got away"? That person is no longer in our lives, so it's easy to imagine them as whoever we want them to be. It's a fantasy to keep this notion alive.
If your husband & this lady were meant to be, she wouldn't have broke it off for some guy she met at a conference. He might be reminiscing this week because he has more time on his hands, but try not to overthink it. You all got married and he's committed to you, right? The rest is history. |
Anonymous
| It was annoying and pointless of him to bring this up with you. |
Anonymous
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So, let me get this clear. A suicidal bulimic woman who cheated on him is your DH's "one that got away?"
I don't think you need to overthink this either OP. |
Anonymous
| Ancient history. Don't overthink it. |
Anonymous
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So he didn't actually say this to you, you're assuming it and overreacting?! Grow up.
I met DH 3 months after his last relationship ended. Their relationship ended 3 days after he proposed to her and she said yes. Then DH got the feeling that she wasn't really into it, confronted her, she said she changed her mind, and he ended things. I have NEVER felt like I was his back up or that his ex was the one who got away. He has some old pictures in a box somewhere. Even has some old emails. I'm not threatened by it. DH didn't tell me right away. He assumed (and rightly so) that if he told me right away I'd get upset and think I was a rebound. And I probably would have. Then it's one of those things that is just weird to bring up, ya know? One of DH's friend's gfs actually told me (by accident) and DH felt bad about keeping it from me. I'm wondering if you guys are having problems? I mean, how did this even come up that he "doesn't know what he can tell you" |
Anonymous
| What did he say about you throwing those letters away? Did you have his permission? You sound really insecure. |
Anonymous
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Yes. You are being silly. You have no evidence she's the one that got away. So he has some old stuff regarding her? So do DH and I from our exes. Neither one of us have gone through them in.the decade we have lived together. I have no idea why you'd think he's saving it to look over it all.
If you want to over react and ruin your alone time with him, be my guest. Frankly you sound like an immature drama queen and that's why DH can't tell you things. Grow up. |
Anonymous
Seriously. It's no wonder DH has to keep things from her. She sounds immature, insecure, and a little dim. |
Anonymous
If he doesn't realize that he dodged a huge bullet, he's an idiot. Marrying and having kids with someone like that would be an absolute nightmare. I do think it's odd he brought it up since this happened years ago, and kind of a dick move since he took her on the fancy vacation. Kind of like finding out your wife did all kinds of kinky stuff with her ex but won't do them with you. Do you have a really hot fling from your past you could reminisce with your DH about? Seems only fair. |
Anonymous
+1. This is the part of the story I can't get over. I have saved letters and mementos from past relationships and would be extremely upset if someone (anyone, spouse, parent, child) threw them out without even checking with me. |
Anonymous
"[A]lmost everything got thrown away" is so passive. "I threw almost everything away." Own what you did. |
Anonymous
| OP, we all have one that got away. Get over it unless you have reasons to believe he is still talking to her. |