Cut off relatives want to "come back"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps they are just relatives whose views have softened with the passage of time.

OP, you only have one family, and you only have one shot at the life you have. As a favor to your own family, and to your brother's family, why not try to bring them into your life?

OP: because they are self-entitled and selfish people. They only think about their convenience and how they appear to the public. Do you know why they threw a fit about their kids not being in the wedding? "What would OUR friends think?" I visit our parents all the time. They are frequently there at family gatherings. Not once, in 6 years, has either my brother or SIL, let alone their "well-mannered" children said as much as a hello to me. They either look away or stare into their phones. Why I would someone like that near my child?

Pot, meet kettle.

You are the definition of self entitled & selfish if you can't make peace for your parents sake.

[Anonymous]

Op, I defend your right to have whatever kind of wedding you want, including one to which children aren't invited (and I have young kids, so I understand both the desire to spend my time with them as well as the expense associated with leaving them at home for a few days). I had a tumultuous relationship with my younger brother growing up, and he died suddenly a few years ago. At the time, I had blocked him from my phone because of the texts he was sending me. I've been to therapy to deal with the guilt I had for not being in a better place with him when he died, but I don't think it's something that will ever fully go away.

You just need to do what is best for you. In some situations (like abusive ones), it is better to distance yourself, even if it means cutting out family. (I'm not sure that a single nasty email constitutes verbal abuse, but maybe there's more to the story). However, if the situation with you and your brother doesn't go beyond what you've stated, it sounds like the anger you're holding on to is doing more harm than anything he and his wife ever did to you. In that case, the best thing for yourself may be to forgive and move on. Life is short.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never had a good relationship with my only brother, we didn't care much about each other when we were kids. A few years ago I was getting married, I decided "what the heck, I'll invite him to the wedding. Sure, we only talk on each other's birthdays, but what the heck?" Now our invitation said "no children" and my fiance and I really meant "no children." Brother and SIL threw a huge tantrum, saying that I was mean and I was only excluding their three children. Who, may I add, at that time were all under the age of 5. DH's nieces and nephews also were "excluded" but no one had a fit and parents were very understanding. This was a destination wedding, relatively small. They ended up not coming, sent me a really mean nastygram via e-mail, so I blocked them from our lives.

Couples months ago DH and I had our first child. For whatever reason, my parents told my brother. Out of the blue, SIL writes me this very sugar-y e-mail saying how much she has missed "us" and that the children cannot wait to meet their new sibling. No apologies whatsoever for the nastygram they sent us. Now I haven't talked to these people in 6 years. We did a good job avoiding each other at family gatherings. Their children don't say hello to me when I visit my parents. So I am trying to understand the mentality of "why now? why do you want to meet my child?" Who are these self-entitled people?

Sorry for the vent.

I would stay away also.
From you and your influence.

A wedding is usually a family affair.
Having a destination wedding screams low class bad taste.

I agree.
The OP screams petty, entitled & completely lacking in self awareness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We had several friends at our wedding who already had kids and guess what, they found a way to NOT bring their kids to the wedding. Destination wedding is "low class"? Really? Then so is a wedding in your grandma's backyard.

My parents are well aware that my brother and I don't get a long. We are very, very different and have different family values. Like...when our father is in the hospital with a heart attack, maybe, just maybe you should come and visit him? Or if your parents loan your the money for car repairs, maybe, just maybe you should repay your two elderly parents? Or at least say "thanks, guys?"

I don't see their kids as "siblings" for my child. They are spoiled and ill-mannered. They are rude and obnoxious. Why would I want my kid around someone like that?

Were your friend's families all in attendance at your wedding? You had your brother's side of the family at your wedding - who was he supposed to ask to watch his kids? You think he should have gone through the expense of paying for airfare to this lovely destination and left his kids behind with a paid sitter? Or maybe he should have come alone and left his wife at home with the kids?

Bridezilla - ROAR!!! STOMP!!! STOMP!!! STOMP!!!!

My thoughts exactly!

If she is still so ridiculously focused on MY day six years later, can you imagine what she was like AT the wedding... geez.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Umm, there's another set of grandparents who could've taken those kids for 2 days. And they, btw, offered to take them, only for SIL to throw a tantrum "I don't go anywhere without my children." No one else had an issue. People found a way and those who couldn't, politely declined. They didn't send me e-mails the night before my wedding telling me how selfish I was, how I would die alone, bla-bla-bla.

Wait... what?

The did send you the emails or they didn't send you the emails?

I was on your side OP, but I'm starting to agree with other people & think you have a very skewed perception of what happened.

So what that your SIL doesn't travel anywhere without her kids, a LOT of moms have a great of something happening to them or the kids while she's away.

You of all people I'd think would understand this now, especially being a new mother. Maybe you wouldn't have comprehended it then, as you didn't have children of your own. However, I think your heels are so dug in now with this bitterness, you can't see the forest for the trees.

Can you honestly say you'd be fine leaving your child to go away to a wedding? Now times that anxiety you'd feel by 3.

Your anger & sanctimonious judgment after six years is still absolutely PALPABLE, so I'm not sure why you even posted this? You're right, they're wrong & that's the ONLY responses you'll accept.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Umm, there's another set of grandparents who could've taken those kids for 2 days. And they, btw, offered to take them, only for SIL to throw a tantrum "I don't go anywhere without my children." No one else had an issue. People found a way and those who couldn't, politely declined. They didn't send me e-mails the night before my wedding telling me how selfish I was, how I would die alone, bla-bla-bla.

Wait... what?

The did send you the emails or they didn't send you the emails?

I was on your side OP, but I'm starting to agree with other people & think you have a very skewed perception of what happened.

So what that your SIL doesn't travel anywhere without her kids, a LOT of moms have a great of something happening to them or the kids while she's away.

You of all people I'd think would understand this now, especially being a new mother. Maybe you wouldn't have comprehended it then, as you didn't have children of your own. However, I think your heels are so dug in now with this bitterness, you can't see the forest for the trees.

Can you honestly say you'd be fine leaving your child to go away to a wedding? Now times that anxiety you'd feel by 3.

Your anger & sanctimonious judgment after six years is still absolutely PALPABLE, so I'm not sure why you even posted this? You're right, they're wrong & that's the ONLY responses you'll accept.

*fear

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We had several friends at our wedding who already had kids and guess what, they found a way to NOT bring their kids to the wedding. Destination wedding is "low class"? Really? Then so is a wedding in your grandma's backyard.

My parents are well aware that my brother and I don't get a long. We are very, very different and have different family values. Like...when our father is in the hospital with a heart attack, maybe, just maybe you should come and visit him? Or if your parents loan your the money for car repairs, maybe, just maybe you should repay your two elderly parents? Or at least say "thanks, guys?"

I don't see their kids as "siblings" for my child. They are spoiled and ill-mannered. They are rude and obnoxious. Why would I want my kid around someone like that?

So why did you bother posting this then? Just do what you want. It's clear you have a major grudge and are unwilling to let it go. Fwiw- I agree with the PPs that you are not without blame for this situation, but until you see that it's pointless to try to resolve things with your brother.

This. Yes, the brother and SIL acted ungraciously, but Christ on a cracker, that was how long ago?

OP's reaction was to cut them off and hold a grudge for years. And when her SIL sent a perfectly normal message congratulating her on the birth of a child, OP interprets it in the worst possible way.

OP, making an effort to develop a minimally polite and civil relationship with your brother and SIL is not a favor you are bestowing on them, or a prize they have to earn. Lots of people have differences with their siblings or other family members, and most of them can still manage to say hello at family events.

You are not the innocent victim here--indeed, you sound pretty toxic yourself. You have made a choice to nurture anger and resentment for years instead of putting things in perspective.

You will probably never be close to your brother, but you could accept an overture and be at least polite and gracious in response.

Christ on a cracker, YES!!

This times 1000.

(btw, Christ on a cracker... definitely my new go to)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We had several friends at our wedding who already had kids and guess what, they found a way to NOT bring their kids to the wedding. Destination wedding is "low class"? Really? Then so is a wedding in your grandma's backyard.

My parents are well aware that my brother and I don't get a long. We are very, very different and have different family values. Like...when our father is in the hospital with a heart attack, maybe, just maybe you should come and visit him? Or if your parents loan your the money for car repairs, maybe, just maybe you should repay your two elderly parents? Or at least say "thanks, guys?"

I don't see their kids as "siblings" for my child. They are spoiled and ill-mannered. They are rude and obnoxious. Why would I want my kid around someone like that?

Those several friends spent hundreds extra on care costs. Now that you have a child, you will soon learn how pricey it is for parents to go do stuff without kids, whether date night or attend a destination wedding.

Frankly, destination weddings are so selfish. You know the guests foot part of your wedding costs because so many stay at your eesort, right?

Your brother may have his faults but you are not perfect either. You cut him off for the wedding thing. Now that many Anonymous people are giving you a different perspective and being sympathetic to your brother, don't you think it's time to let go and forgive your brother's family?

I don't know why everyone is dumping on OP. First, she is completely within her rights to have the wedding she wants. No one HAS to go to weddings. Her brother could have brought the kids and found a sitter for the time of the reception, I doubt the resort staff has never heard of nannies. A few hours with a sitter is not a big deal. If it IS a big deal, they could have just declined politely. Sending an angry email is out of line.

Now, I'm all for mending fences, but usually when I try to mend fences with someone I've gone off at a few years ago, I would at least preface it by some sort of acknowledgment. Like, "I know we haven't been on the best of terms lately but..." or "I know we've said some angry things in the past, and I apologize for that, but I would really like to be..." etc. But not pretend that it didn't happen.

You're assuming that the SIL has any idea that her brother even wrote the nastygram in the first place.

He could have signed the nastygram from both of them & not told her about it, or maybe he minimized the alleged vitriol that he wrote when telling SIL about it, or maybe he just told SIL that he simply declined the invitation & HE decided not to have a relationship with his selfish sister for banning their kids from the wedding.

Seems OP has ask of this pent up anger from more than just the wedding & unfortunately the SIL and kids are just collateral damage.

The OP will never see past her blinding rage though, so what's the use in any of this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We had several friends at our wedding who already had kids and guess what, they found a way to NOT bring their kids to the wedding. Destination wedding is "low class"? Really? Then so is a wedding in your grandma's backyard.

My parents are well aware that my brother and I don't get a long. We are very, very different and have different family values. Like...when our father is in the hospital with a heart attack, maybe, just maybe you should come and visit him? Or if your parents loan your the money for car repairs, maybe, just maybe you should repay your two elderly parents? Or at least say "thanks, guys?"

I don't see their kids as "siblings" for my child. They are spoiled and ill-mannered. They are rude and obnoxious. Why would I want my kid around someone like that?

Those several friends spent hundreds extra on care costs. Now that you have a child, you will soon learn how pricey it is for parents to go do stuff without kids, whether date night or attend a destination wedding.

Frankly, destination weddings are so selfish. You know the guests foot part of your wedding costs because so many stay at your eesort, right?

Your brother may have his faults but you are not perfect either. You cut him off for the wedding thing. Now that many Anonymous people are giving you a different perspective and being sympathetic to your brother, don't you think it's time to let go and forgive your brother's family?

I don't know why everyone is dumping on OP. First, she is completely within her rights to have the wedding she wants. No one HAS to go to weddings. Her brother could have brought the kids and found a sitter for the time of the reception, I doubt the resort staff has never heard of nannies. A few hours with a sitter is not a big deal. If it IS a big deal, they could have just declined politely. Sending an angry email is out of line.

Now, I'm all for mending fences, but usually when I try to mend fences with someone I've gone off at a few years ago, I would at least preface it by some sort of acknowledgment. Like, "I know we haven't been on the best of terms lately but..." or "I know we've said some angry things in the past, and I apologize for that, but I would really like to be..." etc. But not pretend that it didn't happen.

So that makes it ok?

God, you are a self centered human being & you are severely lacking in self awareness.

If you don't think that your "ELDERLY" parents want peace between their children, you're not only clueless but extremely selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never had a good relationship with my only brother, we didn't care much about each other when we were kids. A few years ago I was getting married, I decided "what the heck, I'll invite him to the wedding. Sure, we only talk on each other's birthdays, but what the heck?" Now our invitation said "no children" and my fiance and I really meant "no children." Brother and SIL threw a huge tantrum, saying that I was mean and I was only excluding their three children. Who, may I add, at that time were all under the age of 5. DH's nieces and nephews also were "excluded" but no one had a fit and parents were very understanding. This was a destination wedding, relatively small. They ended up not coming, sent me a really mean nastygram via e-mail, so I blocked them from our lives.

Couples months ago DH and I had our first child. For whatever reason, my parents told my brother. Out of the blue, SIL writes me this very sugar-y e-mail saying how much she has missed "us" and that the children cannot wait to meet their new sibling. No apologies whatsoever for the nastygram they sent us. Now I haven't talked to these people in 6 years. We did a good job avoiding each other at family gatherings. Their children don't say hello to me when I visit my parents. So I am trying to understand the mentality of "why now? why do you want to meet my child?" Who are these self-entitled people?

Sorry for the vent.

Sooo.....you can't move on and let go, you like to hold grudges forever?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Umm, there's another set of grandparents who could've taken those kids for 2 days. And they, btw, offered to take them, only for SIL to throw a tantrum "I don't go anywhere without my children." No one else had an issue. People found a way and those who couldn't, politely declined. They didn't send me e-mails the night before my wedding telling me how selfish I was, how I would die alone, bla-bla-bla.

Wait... what?

The did send you the emails or they didn't send you the emails?

I was on your side OP, but I'm starting to agree with other people & think you have a very skewed perception of what happened.

So what that your SIL doesn't travel anywhere without her kids, a LOT of moms have a great of something happening to them or the kids while she's away.

You of all people I'd think would understand this now, especially being a new mother. Maybe you wouldn't have comprehended it then, as you didn't have children of your own. However, I think your heels are so dug in now with this bitterness, you can't see the forest for the trees.

Can you honestly say you'd be fine leaving your child to go away to a wedding? Now times that anxiety you'd feel by 3.

Your anger & sanctimonious judgment after six years is still absolutely PALPABLE, so I'm not sure why you even posted this? You're right, they're wrong & that's the ONLY responses you'll accept.

*fear

What I think OP meant is that other people with young kids in a similar situation as the OP's brother and SIL did not send her emails saying those things, but her brother and SIL did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We had several friends at our wedding who already had kids and guess what, they found a way to NOT bring their kids to the wedding. Destination wedding is "low class"? Really? Then so is a wedding in your grandma's backyard.

My parents are well aware that my brother and I don't get a long. We are very, very different and have different family values. Like...when our father is in the hospital with a heart attack, maybe, just maybe you should come and visit him? Or if your parents loan your the money for car repairs, maybe, just maybe you should repay your two elderly parents? Or at least say "thanks, guys?"

I don't see their kids as "siblings" for my child. They are spoiled and ill-mannered. They are rude and obnoxious. Why would I want my kid around someone like that?

+1. Why would I want my children around low-culture cousins? We pay a hell of a lot of money to live in a great neighborhood and send them to great schools, I'm not tossing that out the window so they can get "turned out" by asshole cousins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We had several friends at our wedding who already had kids and guess what, they found a way to NOT bring their kids to the wedding. Destination wedding is "low class"? Really? Then so is a wedding in your grandma's backyard.

My parents are well aware that my brother and I don't get a long. We are very, very different and have different family values. Like...when our father is in the hospital with a heart attack, maybe, just maybe you should come and visit him? Or if your parents loan your the money for car repairs, maybe, just maybe you should repay your two elderly parents? Or at least say "thanks, guys?"

I don't see their kids as "siblings" for my child. They are spoiled and ill-mannered. They are rude and obnoxious. Why would I want my kid around someone like that?

+1. Why would I want my children around low-culture cousins? We pay a hell of a lot of money to live in a great neighborhood and send them to great schools, I'm not tossing that out the window so they can get "turned out" by asshole cousins.

Sanctimommy finally showed up with her sock puppet.

[Anonymous]

If you still have a copy of the nasty gram, copy that into your reply to your SIL, asking why she would want to reconnect with someone who sent her such a letter, and to kindly f*ck off.

[Anonymous]

I feel sorry for your future child.