Parent's Pervy Friend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't say anything, you'll embarrass him ... just let it go.

Wrong answer. Would you tell your daughter this? Shame on you.

Would you tell anyone this? I don't want my son to think this is ok!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all are adults. Each adult should find the best way to handle the unwanted touching, which is not to continue to accept it. Either tell him there won't be any more touching/staring, stay away from him, offer your hand and no hug, or whatever. I teach my kids to say hello and good-bye; if they're not comfortable hugging/kissing/touching, that is okay. But you're still polite. No scene, and no unwanted touching.

Op here. I was really bothered by him staring at my chest for hours too. We were in a large group talking and everyone pretended they didn't notice. I probably got away from this guy 5x on Christmas. Obviously I need to get better at standing up for myself but the whole thing disgusts me. I don't see why I should have to be polite to the perverted old man. I've been avoiding him for years and this isn't working. I will say something next time even if it makes a scene.

You don't have to be polite, OP. You are putting his comfort and the comfort of the party over your own. Speak up.

Agreed. He's being a rude pervert. There is no reason you have to be polite.. none. Cut out the nice girls don't complain, don't speak up etc and call him out. What's the worst that will happen? He'll accuse you of lying and walk out in a huff? Then he'll be gone and you can all go back to enjoying yourselves.

[Anonymous]

If you and your SIL both feel this way, get together and sit down with your in-laws and tell them the story. He's their friend and they need to be aware of his behavior. Have your husband join as well. Your story needs validation for anything to happen. If your husband isn't willing to help you deal with his parents just tell him you won't go to the party next year. Making a big scene at the party won't do anything but wreck the party. If you're lucky your in-laws will simply not invite him again. Your MIL may think he's a perv.

[Anonymous]

UPDATE
OP here. Bumping this for thoughts on what to do this year. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I had a run in with this man at a wedding recently and it was bad. He followed me around all night and kept trying to get near me when I was on the dance floor. Ruined my night. The worst part was that I was seated next to him at dinner. I cried when I realized that and I didn't eat my meal or sit down other than for toasts all night. I am sick of spending my Christmas's with him. My inlaws have been hosting this party for 20+ years and they don't send invites, so they can't not invite him. It's an open house Christmas party. I get irrationally upset at his wife too for letting this go on and not seeing it. His wife has a degenerative illness. I have a feeling that my MIL would think I'm overreacting, and maybe I am. But this man ruins Christmas for me every year. I hate how upset and how stressed I feel every time I hear his voice.

A. Tell my inlaws we won't be coming for Christmas as long as Chester the molester shows up. But not coming for Christmas Eve, means we aren't coming for Christmas.

B. Do not allow him to hug me or kiss me on my cheek (he tries). Loudly yell if he gets too close. But it's a small party of less than 15 people. Because I only see this man on big celebrations like Christmas or a family wedding, I feel like I can't speak up because I don't want to ruin someone else's wedding or holiday. If it happened in a bar, I have no trouble telling men no.

[Anonymous]

don't go

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:UPDATE
OP here. Bumping this for thoughts on what to do this year. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I had a run in with this man at a wedding recently and it was bad. He followed me around all night and kept trying to get near me when I was on the dance floor. Ruined my night. The worst part was that I was seated next to him at dinner. I cried when I realized that and I didn't eat my meal or sit down other than for toasts all night. I am sick of spending my Christmas's with him. My inlaws have been hosting this party for 20+ years and they don't send invites, so they can't not invite him. It's an open house Christmas party. I get irrationally upset at his wife too for letting this go on and not seeing it. His wife has a degenerative illness. I have a feeling that my MIL would think I'm overreacting, and maybe I am. But this man ruins Christmas for me every year. I hate how upset and how stressed I feel every time I hear his voice.

A. Tell my inlaws we won't be coming for Christmas as long as Chester the molester shows up. But not coming for Christmas Eve, means we aren't coming for Christmas.

B. Do not allow him to hug me or kiss me on my cheek (he tries). Loudly yell if he gets too close. But it's a small party of less than 15 people. Because I only see this man on big celebrations like Christmas or a family wedding, I feel like I can't speak up because I don't want to ruin someone else's wedding or holiday. If it happened in a bar, I have no trouble telling men no.

I think either A or contact him before the party by email or letter and tell him: "you have been sexually harassing me for years. I dread being in the same room with you. I wish I could ban you from family parties, but unfortunately that's not my call to make. This year don't talk to me, don't stare and me, and most certainly don't touch me. If you harass me in any way, I will share all of this information with the entire family and I will never be in a room with you again."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:UPDATE
OP here. Bumping this for thoughts on what to do this year. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I had a run in with this man at a wedding recently and it was bad. He followed me around all night and kept trying to get near me when I was on the dance floor. Ruined my night. The worst part was that I was seated next to him at dinner. I cried when I realized that and I didn't eat my meal or sit down other than for toasts all night. I am sick of spending my Christmas's with him. My inlaws have been hosting this party for 20+ years and they don't send invites, so they can't not invite him. It's an open house Christmas party. I get irrationally upset at his wife too for letting this go on and not seeing it. His wife has a degenerative illness. I have a feeling that my MIL would think I'm overreacting, and maybe I am. But this man ruins Christmas for me every year. I hate how upset and how stressed I feel every time I hear his voice.

A. Tell my inlaws we won't be coming for Christmas as long as Chester the molester shows up. But not coming for Christmas Eve, means we aren't coming for Christmas.

B. Do not allow him to hug me or kiss me on my cheek (he tries). Loudly yell if he gets too close. But it's a small party of less than 15 people. Because I only see this man on big celebrations like Christmas or a family wedding, I feel like I can't speak up because I don't want to ruin someone else's wedding or holiday. If it happened in a bar, I have no trouble telling men no.

B!

OP, this has gone on for far too long. You NEED to tell him to stop. The older people in the party might be shocked and upset, but your comfort comes before theirs, it's that simple. You're an adult and can deal with the fall-out - I promise it won't be bad.

You can call the hosts beforehand to warn them that you will make a scene if he touches you.
You can call HIM beforehand to tell him not to touch you.
You can send a group email to all the guests warning them that he has been touching women for years and this is the year you can't bear any more.

Whatever you do, however you want to handle this, is JUSTIFIED. Please let this sink in.

And please don't blame his wife. Partners are NOT responsible for the behaviors of their spouse, ever. I have a husband with a mental disorder he refuses to treat, and I cannot be made responsible for his actions (don't worry, it's not sexual! He has severe ADHD and is chronically late for everything, misses important deadlines and has anger issues. I can't physically force a pill in his mouth, or drag him to a therapist, you see what I mean?).

[Anonymous]

Just kick him in the balls and punch him in the face. “See, Phil? Unwanted touching isn’t as fun as you thought it was, is it?”

[Anonymous]

OP, where is your husband in all this?

[Anonymous]

What is your relationship with your MIL that you can't tell her to uninvite the guy? She has a guest in her home that harasses the other women and she's okay with that?

She can invite the wife and say, "Sorry, your DH needs to stay home. He's not invited anymore." Your MIL's friend can then make the call on whether or not she comes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is your relationship with your MIL that you can't tell her to uninvite the guy? She has a guest in her home that harasses the other women and she's okay with that?

She can invite the wife and say, "Sorry, your DH needs to stay home. He's not invited anymore." Your MIL's friend can then make the call on whether or not she comes.

A lot of people just think it's normal or don't want to embarrass a friend (or the wife of the friend). At my wedding reception, my IL's friend was staring down my dress, making comments, trying to hug me and put his arm around me-to the degree that my MIL noticed, but all she had to say was "he's just really drunk, he doesn't mean anything." I had to be the one to say "if you don't get him away from me, I will hit him." People suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is your relationship with your MIL that you can't tell her to uninvite the guy? She has a guest in her home that harasses the other women and she's okay with that?

She can invite the wife and say, "Sorry, your DH needs to stay home. He's not invited anymore." Your MIL's friend can then make the call on whether or not she comes.

OP here. I have a good relationship with them (except for the fact that I act like a bitch every Christmas eve because of this man). They're very conservative and I'm sure they'd say that the man is just an innocent creeper. In fact, my MIL was the one who warned me about him in the first place since he does the same to her.

I will be very pregnant this Christmas, so there's no hiding my body like I normally do. I wore a button up shirt buttoned every button last year and wore a long cardigan over that.

[Anonymous]

Why are women always afraid of being impolite by pointing out when they are being sexually molested?

When perv dude says hello, extend your hand for a handshake. If he tries to hug, say in the calmest dead-pan voice, please don't touch me.
If he follows you around, tell him stop following me.
If he asks why or that he's not doing anything wrong, don't answer his questions or start an argument. Just walk away.

The only person who should feel embarrassed is this man. And perhaps your husband for not protecting you.

[Anonymous]

Monsters hate the light.

Now with this #metoo awareness, you're better positioned than in years past.

Don't mail a letter in advance. You never know what he might do with it.

Wait till the party. Don't let him hug you. If he tries too hard, say loudly that he's been acting inappropriately towards you for years and that it stops right now.

[Anonymous]

This has gone on long enough and frankly, I'd stop worrying about being polite and not causing a scene. If he tries to hug you, put your arms out and push him away. If he touches you from behind, slap his hand and say loudly, "Don't touch me. You're being inappropriate." Walk away. Seriously, someone needs to make a scene for this perv to be stopped.