How long do you think is a respectable time to mourn the death of a spouse?

[Anonymous]

Does it matter to others if there was an illness beforehand? In my family the person moved on months after the unexpected death of the spouse. There was definitely chatter in our small town over that one.

[Anonymous]

He's probably just coping. It's that or coke.

[Anonymous]

Longtime friend of mine, a few years back, remarried pretty quickly (within a year) after his wife died. His wife was a dear friend of mine but I didn't think less of him. If he's happy, so be it. I am sure his deceased former wife would want him to be happy, too.

[Anonymous]

100% individual and thinking anything else - like that there is any kind of "acceptable" - is pretty disturbing.

[Anonymous]

If there are minor children involved, then the surviving spouse absolutely needs to put them first. They should not be swanning around with new dates or going out of town for at least a year, if not longer. Discreet dating is OK, but I would not bring a new partner into the home for quite a while. It is incredibly selfish for the parent to focus only on their own happiness and not realize that their children can never replace the lost parent the way that the parent can remarry.

Another issue is emotionally unintelligent, needy widowers making a bad choice of new partners when they jump right into dating. That could result in a bad stepparent being introduced into the family while the kids are still grieving, something which resulted in completely tearing apart my own family.

For grown children (or no kids), the situation is less fraught. The widow can make his own decisions. However, the widow should never expect grown children, friends, relatives of the dead spouse to jump for joy about the new partner. They should probably keep things discreet and under wraps for a while.

[Anonymous]

It really varies since all marriages, as well as individuals are very unique.

There isn't a real timeline since as one PP stated, every one of us grieves at a completely different pace.

[Anonymous]

My mother died suddenly. My father was on the prowl a few months later. He was seeing someone seriously five months later, and talking about marriage shortly after that. My parent had been married for 39 years. The marriage had estrangement over the last few years. I wish he had waited. And if having not waited, I wish he would have waited longer to force introductions. I was deeply mourning and not interested in meeting the woman or watching them kiss and act romantically. I am happy that he found someone, really. I know she fills a big void. I wish he hadn't brought her into my life so soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If there are minor children involved, then the surviving spouse absolutely needs to put them first. They should not be swanning around with new dates or going out of town for at least a year, if not longer. Discreet dating is OK, but I would not bring a new partner into the home for quite a while. It is incredibly selfish for the parent to focus only on their own happiness and not realize that their children can never replace the lost parent the way that the parent can remarry.

Another issue is emotionally unintelligent, needy widowers making a bad choice of new partners when they jump right into dating. That could result in a bad stepparent being introduced into the family while the kids are still grieving, something which resulted in completely tearing apart my own family.

For grown children (or no kids), the situation is less fraught. The widow can make his own decisions. However, the widow should never expect grown children, friends, relatives of the dead spouse to jump for joy about the new partner. They should probably keep things discreet and under wraps for a while.

Agree with all of this.

[Anonymous]

Who uses Tinder and is a widower? OP is a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who uses Tinder and is a widower? OP is a troll.

You be a widow or widower at any age. Tinder and apps like it are the dating scene of this generation as well as a younger crowd in general. You also don't have to pay for tinder unlike Match.com. Maybe he's just looking for a nice time, nothing wrong with that.

[Anonymous]

Every marriage, person, and grief journey is different and no one should sit in judgment of how any person might handle their grief or reconstitute a life after the death of their spouse.

I was widowed at 31, and did not wait a year to date. My husband had a long illness and made me promise that I wouldn't "put myself on a shelf" after his death. I love him and miss him, but life is for the living, and I need love with living people in my life.

[Anonymous]

I went through this and started having male companionship pretty soon after my SO's death. I was 29 at the time. I faced a lot of judgment from people around me. What I have to say to them is that you aren't walking in my shoes and you aren't feeling my pain. I am the person who is living through this, and I feel entitled to the painkiller of my choice.

[Anonymous]

+1 I am caring for DW right now as she battles Stage 4 cancer. While her fate is uncertain, there is a real possibility that she won't be here next year at this time. I've thought a lot about what I will do if/when she is gone. I hate that my mind goes there, but when faced with death I think it's something that we inevitably think about.

Caring for someone with advanced cancer is very difficult and stressful. A grieving process begins from the first moment after diagnosis and continues every time we get a new dose of bad news. Does the fact that I think about my life after she is gone mean that I love her less or that I'm not caring for her as well as I could? Absolutely not.

If I lose her, I don't know how I will grieve and how the healing process will progress. I know that I will always put the needs of my kids above anything and I will not do anything to worsen their grief or question my love for them. But at some point I know I will want adult companionship and who knows if that will be two months or two years after. What I do know is that is will be my choice and anyone who has a problem with it can STFU.

[Anonymous]

OP, he's grieved the whole time his wife suffered terminal illness. If you're a friend, be happy he moved on instead of burying himself with his wife. Maybe he needs his teenage dating out of his system, either way, his problem, not yours.

[Anonymous]

He's lonely and doesn't know how to handle it. He's used to having her there and he doesn't know how to live without someone in his life so this is his solution. It's not going to be helpful for him, but this is how he's choosing to deal with it.