How long do you think is a respectable time to mourn the death of a spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't judge moving on quickly but I DO judge not putting your (minor) kids first, and not making choices that best support them through their own loss and grief. They need to feel as safe and secure as possible, especially in the first year. So dating has to be handled sensitively and delicately.

Just to add - I feel very different if the kids are grown. Obviously it should still be handled with respect and care in terms of sharing your dating life with your family members, but grown kids don't come first in the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a friend whose wife died of cancer earlier this year. It was a long battle with cancer. Within a short few months, the widower started going on tinder and is now dating like a teenage boy. I can't help but feel like he is disrespecting his dead wife. Wife was a dear friend of mine.

Many spouses do their grieving before their loved one dies when it is anticipated like a cancer death is. Since caner deaths are long and protracted and very stress filled with appointment after appointment, it can seem like a relief when it is over. Since your friend's battle was long, he probably did his grieving beforehand and is now ready for his next phase of life. He may also be trying to not be alone and is postponing his grief until enough time has passed and he can actually bear it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad did this. It was horrible for all the grieving children and tore our family apart. The kind of women who sweep down to try to capture a grieving widow are not the kind of women one wants in their family.

I would say waiting one year when the headstone is placed is most appropriate. Second best would be wait until your kids make it through the firsts of major holidays (bday, Christmas, Mother's Day).

If you can't do that, wait until the family can get the nerve to clean out mom's closet.

At the very least, wait until the kids can get through a full week without crying over the loss of their mom.

If you can't at least do that then you are a jackass.

Not everyone waits a whole year for the headstone. Not everyone has a grave.

[Anonymous]

I have multiple friends that are widows/widowers.

1 year for sudden death
<6 months for a long term illness.

One friend went 7 years without a partner while caring for her dying H, she started dating 3 months after he died.

The widower at our school started bringing his girlfriend (now wife) to school events <1year after his wife's death and all the stepford wives were horrible to her.

MYOB people need to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad did this. It was horrible for all the grieving children and tore our family apart. The kind of women who sweep down to try to capture a grieving widow are not the kind of women one wants in their family.

I would say waiting one year when the headstone is placed is most appropriate. Second best would be wait until your kids make it through the firsts of major holidays (bday, Christmas, Mother's Day).

If you can't do that, wait until the family can get the nerve to clean out mom's closet.

At the very least, wait until the kids can get through a full week without crying over the loss of their mom.

If you can't at least do that then you are a jackass.

You realize that every single one of your benchmarks is about the children, even if they are adults. What about the dad, whose life it actually is?

Have you ever lost a parent? It is profound, even if you are an adult child. In OP's case, she's asking about someone who has children young enough to need care. People are obviously free to ignore what PP said was a respectable timeframe for her, but the grieving spouses actions have consequences to the families around them.

NP, I have lost a parent and I my sister and I were the ones encouraging our surviving parent to date a bit. Both are gone now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not your business. Everyone grieves differently.

So flying off to romantic getaways while you leave your kids at home with family members is ok two months after your wife's funeral? Sorry, I don't think that is ok.

Everyone needs a break.

[Anonymous]

Like many people have said.. it depends on the person and the scenario.

What people "on the outside" tend to forget (and by on the outside, I mean anyone who is not the spouse), is that the primary relationship between thos two people has usually changed drastically during the course of the illness. The spouse has already had to change their relationship from romantic/ lover, to caregiver. The expectations from both relationships are very different.

So while you are mourning your parent, friend.. whatever, this person has likely endured long months of mourning their lover, while dealing with the daily grind of what it entails to be a caregiver. This involves a lot of self sacrifice and putting your own hopes, wants, and needs on hold - often for very long periods of time.

So, cut them a break. You're mourning - they have likely long ago lost their relationship as they knew it, and deserve some time to be happy again. They have THEIR OWN life to live, to find happiness, to fulfill their own dreams.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not your business. Everyone grieves differently.

So flying off to romantic getaways while you leave your kids at home with family members is ok two months after your wife's funeral? Sorry, I don't think that is ok.

Everyone needs a break.

Yes, I think that is fine. Caring someone dying of cancer is so emotionally draining. it is absolutely OK to just be done with it by then and ready to try to find some joy again.

Have you been an end of life caretaker for someone you love before? You likely saw your friend every week or two for an hour. and it was emotionally difficult for you. Imagine if that is your constant life. also, cancer can be very uncomfortable at the end. He very likely felt it was a relief when she passed. outsiders might think that is awful but it is REALLY not. If you just sit there and mourn, you will likely end up in a spiral of very strong depression. many people need to get out and try to regain a normal life and for some people, that includes a partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This reminds me of the blog "Freckled Fox". She's a young mom with six kids who remarried less than three months after her husband died of cancer.

I just looked up the Freckled Fox. Interesting. She basically took a page out of the old Little House on the Prairie schoolbook. Housemom with five kids and the 'provider' is gone. What else was she supposed to? Go on food stamps? Nope, she found a new meal ticket and he's actually good looking.

Ewww Richard is so not good looking. Especially when you read his two recent posts and realize he is dumb as a post.

Telling your 5 kids 5 and under that they had "daddy Martin" (her husband who passed away in July) and NOW have "Daddy Richard" who she married in September? Yeah. THat's doing it wrong.

[Anonymous]

*ETA that Richard is no meal ticket. He doesn't work, presently, when he does, he is a nurse. She is financially set thanks to Marty's parents who bought them the home mortgage free, set up trust funds for Emily and the kids, and various gofundme's and other money grabs from the "grieving widow" while she was already dating Richard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would be rude to show up to the wake without a date.

+1 for the George Costanza reference. My wife jokes that I'll show up to her funeral with a date. What she doesn't realize is that if something were to happen to her, I'd likely not date for quite a while and absolutely will not marry again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not your business. Everyone grieves differently.

So flying off to romantic getaways while you leave your kids at home with family members is ok two months after your wife's funeral? Sorry, I don't think that is ok.

OP, I understand your opinion. Sadly, this is not uncommon for men. Happened in my family too. Dumping his young daughter off on Grandparents so he could chase tail across the country a few months post death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not your business. Everyone grieves differently.

So flying off to romantic getaways while you leave your kids at home with family members is ok two months after your wife's funeral? Sorry, I don't think that is ok.

OP, I understand your opinion. Sadly, this is not uncommon for men. Happened in my family too. Dumping his young daughter off on Grandparents so he could chase tail across the country a few months post death.

OP here. They were together for over 20 years and married for 10. I get that new women and sex can be exciting. I am sure their love life was gone long ago. It just seems wrong so soon after the funeral. Or at least be a little discreet about it. The widower acts like a sex crazed teenager. Seems to want to bed anything that moves. Checking out babysitters, single moms, young single women, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad did this. It was horrible for all the grieving children and tore our family apart. The kind of women who sweep down to try to capture a grieving widow are not the kind of women one wants in their family.

I would say waiting one year when the headstone is placed is most appropriate. Second best would be wait until your kids make it through the firsts of major holidays (bday, Christmas, Mother's Day).

If you can't do that, wait until the family can get the nerve to clean out mom's closet.

At the very least, wait until the kids can get through a full week without crying over the loss of their mom.

If you can't at least do that then you are a jackass.

Not everyone waits a whole year for the headstone. Not everyone has a grave.

NP here, have you ordered a headstone lately? It takes a long time.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're quite the lesson in the mindset of the judgmental. No matter how many people explain what it's like to be in his shoes, you can't see it and cut him some slack. You're determined to judge and condemn him. You'd as likely watch a man who'd been held prisoner and starved, as he was set free and given his first meals, and sneer at him for wolfing down food and having bad table manners.