Do you really wish your ex well?

[Anonymous]

NP here who left an abusive ex.

Before I left, there were days when I would fantasize about him getting into a car wreck. I still occasionally have those thoughts, when he's being a real dick to me. But they pass. Overall, I have wished him well since leaving, because (a) his well-being affects how well he parents our child and how he acts toward me, (b) I don't gain anything from wishing him ill, and (c) I know that there is a decent person in there also, trapped in a web of dysfunction that stems from his own unfortunate upbringing, and he already suffers daily from its aftereffects. Because of that, I feel sorry for him. If he were a flat-out a-hole instead, maybe my perspective would be different too.

I hated an abusive parent for many years, until I realized that hate is a corrosive emotion that only further harms the person who feels the hate. It does not improve my life if other people suffer, except insofar as some level of suffering can give people the ability to appreciate happiness more, and to feel compassion for others. But overall, if people are happy, they don't act like a-holes to other people, and we all benefit.

[Anonymous]

Oh hey.. I'm the person with the ex with HIV. I didn't post one likely big point.

Ex had nothing at all to do with "our" son for years. Ex fell off the face of the earth/crawled under a rock for I don't know how long. Zero contact, no attempt to pay support etc. After a few years I got remarried and new dh adopted ds.

I had no bad thoughts about him then really except for the lack of child support. At one point I heard he was moving around a lot, still trying to avoid angry drug dealers etc. At least he wasn't dragging a young child through all of the crap involved in his life.

[Anonymous]

I do. I wish all my ex-es well. At some point of my life I was in love with them, and there is still some good memories in my heart. I was really happy to find out that one of my previous ex finally (at his 43) married a successful doctor. Was very happy because he is such a great guy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do. I wish all my ex-es well. At some point of my life I was in love with them, and there is still some good memories in my heart. I was really happy to find out that one of my previous ex finally (at his 43) married a successful doctor. Was very happy because he is such a great guy!

I think that most of the other posters are talking about ex-husbands or ex-wives - people whose behavior broke up families, especially those with children. My ex nearly destroyed my life, my children, our finances. I don't particularly wish him well, but I don't really think about him much anymore. I have a better life now.

Your relationships sound young and superficial compared to my 20-year marriage from hell. But your post did make me smile. Good for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't. I wish nothing but unhappiness and horrible things to happen to him. Does this mean I don't really love him because I don't want him to be happy even if it means he's not with me? Does this mean I'm awful and immature?

I just want him to be as unhappy as he's made me. I want what he did to me to happen to him.

PLEASE just give me some honest answers

You are mad and most likely not very happy with yourself if this is your reaction. I totally get why you are reacting like that and I think it can be a fairly common reaction. You are hurt and want him to feel the pain that you are feeling.

However, you don't have to be the victim. You are NOT the victim. You are a strong individual who can probably do many things and will have a lot of time to focus on yourself now to make yourself an even better person for whoever comes into your life next. Take the high road and if he was truly that awful, karma will find it's way to him. Stay strong and build yourself up and try to understand why you are so mad. Learning to become self aware is a powerful tool.

Our ego is stronger than we realize, and I think if you were to sit back and look at this, you will see it's your ego and pride that is hurt. I don't say that to be an a-hole, but only because I have been where you are. We cannot control anyone but ourselves and our reactions to people and situations.

I wish you strength. Be well.

Who exactly do you think you are with this ridiculous judgement? You sound like you've been listening to too many self-help tapes or something. What makes you think you know anything about OP from her post?

OP, I don't know your story, but I don't know anyone who wishes their ex-husbands well immediately after a divorce - esp. if bad/hurtful/painful behavior caused the divorce. I can't speak for ex-boyfriends - those relationships are typically more shallow in every way, so they are different.

But time heals most hurtful feelings, and hopefully you won't care a bit about him in a few years!

Take care of yourself, go to therapy, go to the gym, take up a new hobby, surround yourself with friends, focus on your career. Keep busy, eat well, do lot of new stuff. You will do GREAT. And your ex might not deserve any nice feelings from you, but hopefully you won't even care about him soon.

ps: Don't force yourself to feel anything - if you feel bad thoughts, that's okay. It's normal and natural, and hopefully they will fade.

No judgement meant by that, just an observation. OP, I meant no harm by that statement and I apologize if it came across as hurtful. As I said, I e been in your shoes and was merely speaking from my point of view. That is my advice, my opinion and I am sorry if anyone is offended by it.

OP here. I wasn't offended at all, don't worry.
You're right, I am mad and really unhappy with myself in so many ways. And definitely want him to feel how I feel.

But thank you to both posters- your posts and advice were exactly what I need to be told

[Anonymous]

No. I often look him up on social media and his life keeps getting worse. Hope he drowns in a Louisiana swamp.

[Anonymous]

No, I don't wish him well. My preferred outcome is that he dies tomorrow and I collect life insurance. He has built a web of deceit around himself, and dragged me into it. Seven years later, I find out. My life as I know it has shattered. No, I don't wish him well.

[Anonymous]

When my ex-fiance in college broke up with me after I confronted him when I discovered he was cheating, I spent 20 years hoping he would get hit by a bus. Then one day, I realized I wasn't mad at him anymore. I looked him up, we became friends again, and just yesterday he texted that he loves having me in his life. We are just friends but it is a special kind of friend - the friend you are always vulnerable with because that's how you were before you learned to build walls, and because you knew each other before either of you were anything. I'm also Facebook friends with his dad.

I'm divorced and he is separated. We compare dating and divorce horror stories, job angst, mid-life angst, and work stress angst. We'll never be together romantically again, but I have grown to deeply love the guy - as a friend. So I guess time does heal some wounds if you are open to it, and it can create possibilities you never thought possible.