When your spouse is selfish in bed......

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's far more common for women to refuse to perform oral than men. But men are usually just told to deal with it.

I don't think either sex should settle for plain Jane sex the rest of their lives, but it seems like men are generally more adventurous than women so they are more likely to complain about it. I hope you all also call non-performing women selfish in bed too.

Since OP is talking about her spouse specifically, unless she sleeps with women as well this isn't about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A man is not "selfish" in bed. A man is only "ineffective" and "lame" in bed. He is lacking in either endowment, stamina or technique.

But mainly, you're frigid.

[Risky007]

Anonymous wrote:A man is not "selfish" in bed. A man is only "ineffective" and "lame" in bed. He is lacking in either endowment, stamina or technique.

Guess you have the wrong man.....lol

[Anonymous]

OP, sorry your husband acts like a big, sulky baby in bed. There's not a lot of hope for a man like that.

You're right, it's good policy to have the understanding that you get started first, because you can always have more during whatever else goes on. Men often lose motivation after they're done, and can't usually keep going, either. He needs to understand you're not just a masturbatory tool for him, but that you expect and deserve to enjoy it, too.

I had to reprogram a noob who thought porn was really how women work. It took a lot of frank communication from me, and openness on his part, to make things better. Any time he really paid attention to my responses to whatever he did, he could be very good. But when he would zone out and think about porn, or think about his "performance," he was boring, annoying, and made me feel like I might as well not be there.

More than anything, what makes a man a good lover is total focus and paying attention your every subtle response to what he's doing.

I had another ex who was a different case. It was like he forgot where everything was located between sessions. He was enthusiastic, but never focused on my responses.

I've also slept with men who did everything in weird, exact sequences, with no variations, as if they believed all women are the same, all the time, and they got it right with a woman once, years ago, so they're not going to change it, and too bad for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A man is not "selfish" in bed. A man is only "ineffective" and "lame" in bed. He is lacking in either endowment, stamina or technique.

Do you really think sex is just about PIV and that what makes it good is just slamming in and out as hard and as fast as you can? You sound like a teenaged boy with a porn addiction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A man is not "selfish" in bed. A man is only "ineffective" and "lame" in bed. He is lacking in either endowment, stamina or technique.

Or in my husband's case, lacking in all three

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here, stop complaining and tell us exactly what you want to get the Big O! No hinting!

If you genuinely don't know what it takes but are willing to follow instructions, this post is not about you. This post is about men who don't care what it takes. Or they say they care, in theory, but don't really want to do any work to get there. I also need to tell you that when a man who doesn't naturally like giving oral is told to give oral, it never feels good.

DH here and in a million years I won't understand how any man doesn't like giving oral to his woman. One of the most intense, intimate, erotic things there is, and in my experience women never, ever come better than with oral

My husband won't do it. He's a repressed Catholic and has never had a woman teach him. He's tried a few times but it's just awkward. There's no point because he won't relax and then I can't enjoy it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A man is not "selfish" in bed. A man is only "ineffective" and "lame" in bed. He is lacking in either endowment, stamina or technique.

Do you really think sex is just about PIV and that what makes it good is just slamming in and out as hard and as fast as you can? You sound like a teenaged boy with a porn addiction.

No what the pp and you think good sex is is the man working as hard as he can to get the woman off and the woman just laying there waiting to be "entertain". We hear all the time about men being bad in bed. New flash, 90% of women are horrible in bed. Seriously I think it's a combination of a lack of understanding male anatomy, not really caring about making sex enjoyable for your partner, performing some rope memory moves, thinking sex is a gift to the man, etc. Just because a guy gets off does not mean you are good in bed. A lot of times guys will finish quickly because they want to get it over with and move on. Remember the thread about Taylor Swift? Why her relationships with men do not last? Someone post she is bad in bed...that's the reason. Google Taylor Swift and bad in bed.

[Anonymous]

^^ I never come with oral. I've never liked it, even with guys who are such good lovers I know they are probably great at it (and do it enthusiastically).

Not everything works for everyone.

A good lover listens to the partner's body and goes with what's working.

There are few things worse than a man who thinks what he's doing is the gold standard and pretty much expects you to dig it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After a long and varied pre-marriage sex life, I've come to a sad conclusion that bad lovers aren't trainable. I mean, you can probably teach them a few tricks and with luck, they will become a little better, but they will never be as good as a naturally good lover. Some men just are very much into exploring and pleasing women, and some are not. It's like a fine palate or taste for music. If you don't have one naturally, you can become a little better, but never as good as someone who is naturally inclined that way. We all gravitate to things we love, when we do it often, we become better, and it's a self-feeding virtuous circle. This is why good lovers are naturally good.

This. My husband has many great qualities but he's simply not good in bed. He doesn't have an innate desire to explore my body and please me. He isn't adventurous in bed. He's not up for having sex in places outside of our home or really even our bedroom. It took me a while to figure it out. I'm actually not even that sure he is attracted to me. I'm not going to be able to change him so I've accepted it. I do get concerned I'm going to lose it in my 40s and have an affair. I crave that desire and ability to please.

I was you. My husband isn't comfortable with giving me oral, and I can't O any other way. Once I realized that, I went outside the marriage. Extramarital relations are totally against my religion and, formerly, my own personal code. But my lover is happily married, in all but the sex department, so he and I are a good match. I truly don't see the need to divorce because my husband and I are not sexually compatible. It's been over 3 years now and I am so much less frustrated and unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine's just not very good in bed. Like most men, he's too insecure to hear what I need because he interprets it as an insult to his manhood. The one time I said I didn't like something and asked for something else he lost his erection and then sulked. So now the tacit understanding is that it's better for him to have self esteem than for me to have pleasure, and they are mutually exclusive unless I find a way to like whatever he does.

I masturbate a lot and think about other people when I do it. When I'm with my husband I fake it weakly. Sometimes I don't fake it and then reassure him it's fine unpersuasively. I'm doing 90% of the work in bed and at home and equal work in the workplace so I feel my approach is generous enough.

At this point I'm not interested in having an affair but I could see myself doing so if someone caught my eye.

This is me, exactly; " tacit understanding that it's better for him to have self esteem than for me to have pleasure." I also do 90% of the work of the house and the family, and work 10 hours more each week on paid work. Yep, that's plenty of effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A man is not "selfish" in bed. A man is only "ineffective" and "lame" in bed. He is lacking in either endowment, stamina or technique.

Do you really think sex is just about PIV and that what makes it good is just slamming in and out as hard and as fast as you can? You sound like a teenaged boy with a porn addiction.

No what the pp and you think good sex is is the man working as hard as he can to get the woman off and the woman just laying there waiting to be "entertain". We hear all the time about men being bad in bed. New flash, 90% of women are horrible in bed. Seriously I think it's a combination of a lack of understanding male anatomy, not really caring about making sex enjoyable for your partner, performing some rope memory moves, thinking sex is a gift to the man, etc. Just because a guy gets off does not mean you are good in bed. A lot of times guys will finish quickly because they want to get it over with and move on. Remember the thread about Taylor Swift? Why her relationships with men do not last? Someone post she is bad in bed...that's the reason. Google Taylor Swift and bad in bed.

Dude, if I could get off from penetrating you, I would, and I wouldn't care that it happens too quickly or that I think you're horrible in bed. Just let me come from sticking something inside you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A man is not "selfish" in bed. A man is only "ineffective" and "lame" in bed. He is lacking in either endowment, stamina or technique.

Do you really think sex is just about PIV and that what makes it good is just slamming in and out as hard and as fast as you can? You sound like a teenaged boy with a porn addiction.

No what the pp and you think good sex is is the man working as hard as he can to get the woman off and the woman just laying there waiting to be "entertain". We hear all the time about men being bad in bed. New flash, 90% of women are horrible in bed. Seriously I think it's a combination of a lack of understanding male anatomy, not really caring about making sex enjoyable for your partner, performing some rope memory moves, thinking sex is a gift to the man, etc. Just because a guy gets off does not mean you are good in bed. A lot of times guys will finish quickly because they want to get it over with and move on. Remember the thread about Taylor Swift? Why her relationships with men do not last? Someone post she is bad in bed...that's the reason. Google Taylor Swift and bad in bed.

Yeah sorry I'm not Taylor. I give my DH oral as part of foreplay every single time. And I'm no starfish....ha ha ha this is the non explicit forum buy I practice yoga and rode horses for years. I got moves!

Sorry you've run into some boring in bed women, but we aren't all like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ I never come with oral. I've never liked it, even with guys who are such good lovers I know they are probably great at it (and do it enthusiastically).

Not everything works for everyone.

A good lover listens to the partner's body and goes with what's working.

There are few things worse than a man who thinks what he's doing is the gold standard and pretty much expects you to dig it.

+ 1000. Also, good lovers can talk about what they want and like. I used to be very uncomfortable talking about that. Many people are. But it makes a difference, and it brings you closer and makes the experience better, more personal and more intense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ I never come with oral. I've never liked it, even with guys who are such good lovers I know they are probably great at it (and do it enthusiastically).

Not everything works for everyone.

A good lover listens to the partner's body and goes with what's working.

There are few things worse than a man who thinks what he's doing is the gold standard and pretty much expects you to dig it.

+ 1000. Also, good lovers can talk about what they want and like. I used to be very uncomfortable talking about that. Many people are. But it makes a difference, and it brings you closer and makes the experience better, more personal and more intense.